>Trying to deal with the pain

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

Thank you for listening.  My girlfriend split me again two weeks ago.  We have been together for three years and of course, I love her.  We have been together three years exactly, but I have known her for about 20 years, with a hidden crush on her most of those years.  It was like a fantasy to me when we got together, but the first split, which I had no idea what I was dealing with, happened within the first few months.  She split me about six times up until last December, some lasting days, weeks and one I think a month or two.  Each time, of course, it was me who couldn’t stand it anymore and got her back, usually by “accidentally” running into her. I knew from the beginning that she had mental health issues, she always said she was “sensitive”, and I can go on about the hell that “sensitivity” brought with it, but the stories are all  the same as I’ve read here.  Then last December, her ex husband moved back to town, this is a very small town.  She split me three times since then, now we are on two weeks today.  Each time the pain gets worse, this time it is almost unbearable but I don’t think I can take this anymore.  I hurt so bad I can’t eat, sleep, think, etc.  I’ve told her before that when she does this to me it literally makes me feel like I’m withdrawing from drugs, the pain is mental AND physical, it hurts and hurts bad.  She never comments, just gets that empty look in her eyes.  She is a high functioning BPD, nobody believes what she is really like.  I want to make the break, but I don’t know how to get through this pain.  She has absolutely possessed me, but I don’t want to go back this time, it might kill me.  Where do I find the strength to stop this?  I always thought I was strong, I’ve been through two marriages and all kinds of crap, but this is different.  I’m weak, I’m gutted, I’m crying.  Two weeks after this split and the pain just gets worse. 

[iquanablood]

Thank you for listening.  My girlfriend split me again two weeks ago.  We have been together for three years and of course, I love her.  We have been together three years exactly, but I have known her for about 20 years, with a hidden crush on her most of those years.  It was like a fantasy to me when we got together, but the first split, which I had no idea what I was dealing with, happened within the first few months.  She split me about six times up until last December, some lasting days, weeks and one I think a month or two.  Each time, of course, it was me who couldn’t stand it anymore and got her back, usually by “accidentally” running into her. I knew from the beginning that she had mental health issues, she always said she was “sensitive”, and I can go on about the hell that “sensitivity” brought with it, but the stories are all  the same as I’ve read here.  Then last December, her ex husband moved back to town, this is a very small town.  She split me three times since then, now we are on two weeks today.  Each time the pain gets worse, this time it is almost unbearable but I don’t think I can take this anymore.  I hurt so bad I can’t eat, sleep, think, etc.  I’ve told her before that when she does this to me it literally makes me feel like I’m withdrawing from drugs, the pain is mental AND physical, it hurts and hurts bad.  She never comments, just gets that empty look in her eyes.  She is a high functioning BPD, nobody believes what she is really like.  I want to make the break, but I don’t know how to get through this pain.  She has absolutely possessed me, but I don’t want to go back this time, it might kill me.  Where do I find the strength to stop this?  I always thought I was strong, I’ve been through two marriages and all kinds of crap, but this is different.  I’m weak, I’m gutted, I’m crying.  Two weeks after this split and the pain just gets worse. 

[iquanablood]

Here I am at day 15 this time, nothing is really getting any easier.  I still feel the longing and I hurt as bad as ever.  I have been through so many of these splits, made it months before, enjoyed the relief for the first week, but then the pain comes.  This is a very small town on the beach, her house is pure chaos, her car is too, rolling chaos of repairs half done and easy to spot.  I have been able to resist looking for it parked at various places near the beach this time, I hope that’s a good sign. 

I keep trying to focus on all the bad times in the relationship, but it is hard because deep down I know most of what happened was not really her fault, she is ill.  After a split two years ago, she appeared at my gate, I don’t remember the circumstances of her being there, it might have been the only time she contacted me first.  Anyway, she had not texted or contacted me for a month, but there she was telling me how much she loved me.  So I asked her, how can you love me so much but not contact me, I told her I ached to see her but she can go that long with no contact.  She became a beautiful woman-child in front of my eyes and said, “Because I’m crazy as PLEASE READ baby.”  It about ripped my heart out, and we have in fact talked a lot about her mental health.  She goes in and out of therapy and has been on the drugs before as well.

From the things she has told me about growing up, she is from a broken family, I think her mother had bpd, I think she has had it her whole life and I think her brother has it too. 

I live for music in many ways and my therapists have always been singers, haha.  Everything reminds me of a song, and I used to tell her I just need a peaceful, easy feeling.  “I want to sleep with you in the desert tonight, a million stars all around”.  Beautiful, but that always made her kind of nervous, maybe she knows her life can never be like that, or maybe she doesn’t want it to be.

And now I feel like I’m abandoning a little girl on the side of some desert road at night.  “She makes love, just like a woman, but she breaks just like a little girl.”  WTF, Bob!  Are all these songs really about mental health?  I’m stuck on Cody Jinks with this split, and I can’t get Must Be the Whiskey out of my mind.  Holy PLEASE READ, make that tequila and it says it all, haha.

Thank you for letting me rant, she teaches a yoga class across the street from my house and I can see her come and go, the class just started but I didn’t watch her go in today, I sat here and wrote this.  She comes out in one hour.

[iquanablood]

This is just a bitch to get through.  I was divorced six years ago from my wife of 25 years, it was not this hard.  But we parted ways amicably, there was no infidelity, no animosity, we had just grown apart.  My pain then came from the loss of the family, most of the hurt I felt was for my children.  But they seem fine now, in fact I’ve been talking to my daughter about this situation and she has been a great listener and great support.  And I am friends with my ex, we talk all the time about paying for the kids college, her parents, my parents, etc.

Trying to get this girlfriend out of my mind is almost impossible.  I feel like she is possessing me, like she is talking to me at night when I sit here.  That gets worse every time we split, after the last one I asked her if she puts some kind of spells on me.  I don’t even believe in that stuff, at least not too much.  She said of course not, that is black magic, she only believes in good magic. 

I have resisted the urge to look at her from afar.  Last night I dreamed about her, it was nice.  What  can I say? 

I just keep wanting answers but I want out so why do I need them? 

[Pensive1]

I'm sorry to read of the pain you're going through. I can relate. Both of the women I've been in long-term relationships with had severe mental health issues and engaged in splitting. The first was my ex-wife - she has bipolar disorder and a history of childhood trauma, and broke up with me (then got back together with me) eight times in the final year at the end, after 13 years of marriage. Then my next longterm partner, a pwBPD, proclaimed that she was breaking up with me about every two weeks during our 25 year relationship - ultimately, she started an affair with a married ex-boyfriend and dumped me for good. In both those final breakups, the pain felt unbearable. But, as I found in both cases, the pain diminished with time. This too shall pass. And I can totally relate to your comments about the little girl aspect, with my second (BPD) partner.

There's a saying that "No-one is useless. You can always serve as a bad example." Perhaps I can do that for you. If I'd ceased the relationship with my BPD partner earlier, rather than working to mend things and always going back, I wouldn't have wasted as many years of my life, and the ultimate pain (with her concluding infidelity and breakup) woudn't have been as severe. That's just my two cents.

[iquanablood]

Thank you Pensive 1 for the encouragement.  In the past three years, my girlfriend and I have probably spent a third of that time apart due to her splitting.  I can only think of one time that she came back without me initiating communication, and I might even have been the one that time.

Every single time the pain gets so bad after a few weeks or months that I always go back, apologize for hurting her, try to get her to understand, tell her how much it hurts me, etc etc etc.  And every time I see her after a split, she looks great, happy, healthy, glowing.  I say how can you look so nice, go out with your friends, party, and I’m on my knees in the dark twisting in agony.  And she just says “I’m crying on the inside.”

I asked her once what it was about me that attracted her to me, what was her favorite thing about me, and she said “Your inner child is beautiful, very special.”  Some of the best times we had were playing children’s games, skimming stones, throwing rocks, shooting marbles, things like that.  She loves cartoons and kids movies, one of the nicknames she gave me is from a Nemo movie.  Once I was holding her down tickling her and she got a little upset, told me to stop because it would take away her powers.

But she has been through a lot of therapy in her life, I have not, so she does have a few more weapons than me, knowledge is power.

I know she is fighting with her son right now because he wants his girlfriend to come visit him, he is twenty, she is of course very jealous of the girlfriend.  Her son still lives with her because she won’t let go, she told me if she doesn’t take care of him then he will kill himself.  I’m worried because she projects her feelings onto others.  She’s a real mess. 

But this is going to kill me if it doesn’t stop.  I still have some of her things, she may or may not ask for them back.  She has keys to my place, after one split I asked for them back thinking we were done, she became the little girl again, very hurt, of course I let her keep them.

Everything hurts today, trying to focus on all the bad times, all the reactions that were completely different from what I thought they would be, all the screaming, she screamed at me the night my dog died because I was sad. 

My inner child wants to stomp all the eggshells, smash them to pieces, laugh and run.  But I don’t want to hurt her more, meanwhile, she has ripped out my heart and is probably eating it right now.

[Pensive1]

re: "Some of the best times we had were playing children’s games, skimming stones, throwing rocks, shooting marbles, things like that.  She loves cartoons and kids movies, one of the nicknames she gave me is from a Nemo movie."

I can kind of  relate to this. Some of the best times that my BPD ex and I had were when we could both just be present, with no objective, just taking joy in walking in beautiful natural areas, or other such "play" activities. Something - some flower or bird - would catch her eye, and she'd be grinning, and she'd be almost like a critter wagging its tail. I loved those times.

I finally pretty fully let go of her. And with enough time, most of the pain/grieving seems to have dissipated.

[iquanablood]

I’m still here and I’m still struggling with the pain, I feel like I’m walking through a valley of darkness, with lust and desire following me like dogs.  But I’m free, there are no chains, no cages, no bars, no innuendos, no accusations, no limits.  I read somewhere that if you think your bpd partner who split you really loves you and needs you, and you feel the same about them, ask yourself if you are ready to dance the dysfunctional dance again?  I’m struggling to answer that question still….

“My love she’s like some raven, at my window with a broken wing.”
Love Minus Zero/No Limit

[iquanablood]

Day 34 and I feel like I’m backsliding rapidly.  Not sure what’s wrong.  One thing I know for sure, I will need to talk to a therapist at some point, I’ve been trying to self-analyze, too many doubts.  Why is this hurting so much right now?  I have been in survival mode, day to day, lots of music, eating well, not drinking too much, exercising.  To bed around 9:00 and up at 4:30 or 5:00.  The early morning darkness and quiet I find comforting.  I’m probably in better physical shape than I’ve been in for quite some time.  Today I feel like it will be hour by hour, if not minute by minute.  My head is spinning. Why?

My daughters left this morning to go back to college after their Easter break.  Do I have my own abandonment issues?  My father was in the military, I moved every year of my life growing up.  I spent six months alone, by myself until I made some friends.  Then we moved, and I did it all again, six months alone, six months with friends I knew I would leave soon.  My father died last September, I’m still processing that.

I don’t like this NC.  I don’t like giving someone the silent treatment, am I a narcissist?  I’m always the one who contacts my pwBPD after a split.  Maybe I have BPD traits?  I think I do right now.  But it also could be part of the survival mode I’m trying to endure.  How can I refuse to contact someone I love so much?  I tell myself the woman I love is impossible to deal with, maybe she was never really there, just a fantasy I got caught up in.  She probably doesn’t even think of me. This stuff really hurts.

Sundays are the hardest, I live at the beach in a small town and everybody goes to the beach on Sundays.  I was stupid and went to the beach last Sunday, on Easter.  I sat on the steps of a boardwalk to look at the ocean and the people, I needed to be in the world of the living for a few minutes.  It was 5:00 in the afternoon, I thought I was safe.  A grave miscalculation.  She walked down the beach in front of me, black bikini with her black percheron mane down to her waist.  She never acknowledged me.  I’m a fool.

I really want this to stop, I’ve been around a long time, and I’ve never had my emotions cut so deep.  All I gotta do is survive.  More music, clean the place, rant on here, thanks for listening. 

“I’m sick of love
 And I’m in the thick of it
 This kind of love
 I’m so sick of it”
Bob Dylan, Love Sick

[seekingtheway]

Similar to you, I just got out of a three year on/off relationship with my ex who seems to have a quiet, high functioning version of borderline. We also live in a beachside town where we often bump into each other, which makes things much harder.

I am a month into this final breakup - but only a week of true no contact.

I feel if I went back again it would break me - it has been slowly breaking me over the last year in particular. If I could've made it work with him, I would have done, I loved him deeply. But it didn't work. Clearly. And that is out of my control, and sounds like out of yours too?

The pain and rumination can distract you to the point of insanity, but what has helped me is to get clear about the mistreatment I faced in the relationship. I sat and wrote down every instance I could think of where I was treated badly, moments that felt really off and disturbing... I then allowed myself to get angry - and this is where the turning point has been for me. I went through a week or so of feeling very traumatised, feeling the full effect of his abuse, seeing it all for what it was.

Sure, I still feel love and empathy for him. I don't hate him. But I'm so angry with him for how badly he treated me, and it's helping to push me to the zone where I no longer want that. I think it's an important step... to push yourself to not want to be treated badly any longer. And sure, look at your part and the reasons you allowed it, but there's plenty of time for those reflections later down the line... but I think while the pain is so strong and you're stuck in the limerence of a trauma bond, it can be so useful to get clear about what the dynamic truly was... write down facts. Try and push aside the poetic side of love for a little while and get clear on the facts of this relationship and look at it for what it was on paper.

[iquanablood]

Thank you for your post, seekingtheway, I really appreciate it.  That’s interesting that you are at the same point as I, in a similar circumstance.  I almost always bike or walk around this town, so it is very easy to run into people.  I am at day 35 this time, I believe.  This time I also feel that it would really kill me to endure another round of this.  That is why I decided to scream about it this time, so to speak.  I’m sick of it.  The last year I feel has sort of deteriorated to a point of no return.

I made it through another Sunday yesterday.  Not easy for sure but I did it.  I spent about three hours of my time studying the workshops on here, they have helped me a good bit through this. I seem to be moving in and out of all the grief and abandonment cycles randomly.  One thing I did get into which I hadn’t really studied yet is mirroring.  I thought my pwBPD had some sort of schizophrenia as well, but now I realize how she hides her mental health.  She simple changes with the crowd.  It is why you cannot explain their behaviors to their friends, etc.  She is a chameleon, and here I thought I was the cold blooded reptile.  My blood flows hot and red, and it always will.  And yes I do love her, and in my mind I have a list of all the cold-blooded things she did to me, but maybe I should write them all down, as you suggest.  I’ll make sure I have a really long piece of paper and couple of pens. 

Like Waylon said, “I’ve always been crazy but it’s kept me from going insane.”  She is definitely pushing me into insanity, I need it to stop.

Haha sorry about the poetic look at love, I made my living as a musician for a long time and still write poetry.  I’ve written some good ones lately, the only problem is I need a muse to write good ones. 

Thanks again, seekingtheway, I understand and I really want you to heal yourself.  I hope I can, I don’t want to live that way anymore.  Maybe someday I’ll actually lift my eyes up and look at the ladies on the beach again.  For now, I’ll keep scanning the horizon for pain.

“Michael Jackson in Disneyland
 Don’t have to share it with nobody else
 Lock the gates, Goofy, take my hand,
 And lead me through the world of self”
Warren Zevon, Splendid Isolation

Buenas noches

[iquanablood]

Day 42, six weeks.  Can’t say I feel much better, the last few nights the drug-like withdrawals again.  Every fiber of my body says to run, forget the insanity and run, but the obsession is still there.

Yesterday I discovered mistakes I made weeks ago with some banking issues.  Couldn’t sleep, been up since 3:00 and on the phone trying to get it straight.  I think I got it, just a miracle I caught it when I did.  So I guess the moral of that story is don’t forget to check in with the land of the living every now and then.

This feeling is disgusting.  Is disgust an emotion?  Trying to remember the raging as a way to let go.  When she raged at my place it always ended with screeching car tires.  At her place she would finally lapse into a psychotic trance,  snot, slobber and tears, then all the sudden thrust out her arms and say “Hug me!”  Yeah, sure.

Into the great wide open…

[Logicalwayswins]

Thank you for listening.  My girlfriend split me again two weeks ago.  We have been together for three years and of course, I love her.  We have been together three years exactly, but I have known her for about 20 years, with a hidden crush on her most of those years.  It was like a fantasy to me when we got together, but the first split, which I had no idea what I was dealing with, happened within the first few months.  She split me about six times up until last December, some lasting days, weeks and one I think a month or two.  Each time, of course, it was me who couldn’t stand it anymore and got her back, usually by “accidentally” running into her. I knew from the beginning that she had mental health issues, she always said she was “sensitive”, and I can go on about the hell that “sensitivity” brought with it, but the stories are all  the same as I’ve read here.  Then last December, her ex husband moved back to town, this is a very small town.  She split me three times since then, now we are on two weeks today.  Each time the pain gets worse, this time it is almost unbearable but I don’t think I can take this anymore.  I hurt so bad I can’t eat, sleep, think, etc.  I’ve told her before that when she does this to me it literally makes me feel like I’m withdrawing from drugs, the pain is mental AND physical, it hurts and hurts bad.  She never comments, just gets that empty look in her eyes.  She is a high functioning BPD, nobody believes what she is really like.  I want to make the break, but I don’t know how to get through this pain.  She has absolutely possessed me, but I don’t want to go back this time, it might kill me.  Where do I find the strength to stop this?  I always thought I was strong, I’ve been through two marriages and all kinds of crap, but this is different.  I’m weak, I’m gutted, I’m crying.  Two weeks after this split and the pain just gets worse. 

WIth BPD the intense emotions make you feel like a prisoner- as for the drug reference- BPD idolizes you- thats a high- especially when they are paired with a NPD- when your devalued cut off its withdrawal.

Ok i want you to just think- you already know what happens- you know where this leads to- you already know how it ends.

you cant and wont change her, and she will just make your life bad. cut her off completely be done with her once and for all- she seems to have the upper hand pulling on heart strings. Meet someone else who deserves you- she does not.

BPD suffer from emotional disregulation- they live in chaos- its almost like being bipolar except this is not chemical- its maladptive coping skills. BPD also have a higher incidence of cheating. theres nothing for you here- keep it moving you can do it.

[seekingtheway]

Just replying here after seeing a few of your replies on other posts, including mine... hang in there. Each day is a step forwards. I identify with how painful it is... it can feel so overwhelming at times. And even more difficult when you know where that person is and that you could bump into them if you wished.... it's sometimes easier when geography keeps you apart and you don't have any fear of bumping into them or reminders of places you spent time together. I feel that with my ex, like I'm always walking around in a state of fight or flight, wondering when I'm going to bump into him.

I just went away for a week actually and thought it was going to be the perfect healing week where I could re-connect with my joy and peace... it didn't end up being that. My system is clearly quite depressed and not quite ready to access the joy... so this week my job is to welcome the pain - invite the tears, sit with all of it, sleep when I can, try and feel into the pain and identify what exactly I'm feeling... what I'm afraid of...

And therapy starts for me this week too. I've had to four months to get an appointment. I don't know if you're in therapy already? There's plenty of intentional healing that can be done when you're ready, but just know you're not alone with the really intense, overwhelming feelings that see-saw through the day.

[iquanablood]

Thank you seekingtheway, I’m still fighting, day 48 today.  Two nights ago I had some kind of mental breakdown, actually cried or something, not even sure if that’s what it was.  I’m trying hard to separate the facts from the fantasy with this woman, limited success with that.  I do want to remember how I felt during the bad times, I want to understand why I feel so bad now, when those times could be behind me forever.

It’s a hard thing to figure out.  Maybe it was because there is never a dull moment with her, especially the times when she probably could have used a straight jacket.  Maybe it was because I lied to myself for so long, and I don’t like to be called a liar.  Maybe it was because I hate to lose…  I don’t know.

Another Sunday, the toughest days for me to get through.  But after all, I’m the toughest.  Hmmm…

Haha, have a nice day!

[ThanksForPlaying]

Stay tough.

Check this out - from Jimmy V's famous speech:

"To me, there are three things we all should do every day. If we do this every day of our life, you’re going to … What a wonderful … Number one is laugh. You should laugh every day. Number two is think, you should spend some time in thought. And number three is you should have your emotions moved to tears. Could be happiness or joy, but think about it. If you laugh, you think, and you cry, that’s a full day. That’s a heck of a day. You do that seven days a week, you’re going to have something special."

The hardest one for me is crying. But it doesn't have to be sadness. And it doesn't have to be a LONG cry. 5 seconds of getting choked up will do it. Watch a sports clip or something. Something that gives you happy tears. It releases endorphins... literally gives you a little buzz. And it can actually make your brain cry LESS about the sad stuff. For me, I try to get it out of the way in the morning. If I cry later, that's fine, but I've already gotten my full emotional cycle in for the day. I know it's not that simple, but try it sometime. The brain is amazing.