How can I ignore my uhwBPD’s anxious, high-strung repetition of the same topic?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I need help. 

My uhwBPD gets into jags where he repeats the same one way discussion, over and over, sometimes all day long. He may talk about the same topic  many as ten times, all the way into the evening.  He might drop it for a while, but then he usually goes back to it, at least once, during  the course of a day.   It’s always a long, borderline angry soliloquy. It’s usually a fantasy about how he’s going to spend his/our summer, or  It’s about something in the news that may not even be  current or relevant  anymore, but it’s bothering him, a lot.      I used to address this issue logically, pointing out to him how much he’s repeating himself.  Big mistake.  He sees nothing wrong with it. He thinks he’s normal and shame on me for trying to shut him down.    Some of his  pet topics have been ongoing, off and on,  for 20 years.  He repeats them with a great deal of anxious, nervous  energy.  It’s maddening.

I’m starting to see that it gets worse around the changing of the seasons. So I guess at least I should know it’s coming.    I sometimes have earbuds in my ears, and I sneakily turn up the volume on my iPad, so I don’t hear every single word he’s saying. If he goes too long, I excuse myself and go into into another room, where do a silent, primal scream.  It’s awful. If I walk out the door, I’d have to leave the house 50 times a day, when he’s in this mode.  Thankfully, today I’m leaving the house to be with a friend.  But I can’t just get up and go out all hours of the night and day. 

Is there anything else I might do to ease the pain of this?

I know that if he has an outburst, I’m definitely leaving the house. I have a bag packed, just in case.    It do I need to leave when this happens too?

I really need help. 

Thanks. 

[JazzSinger]

I need help. 

My uhwBPD gets into jags where he repeats the same one way discussion, over and over, sometimes all day long. He may talk about the same topic  many as ten times, all the way into the evening.  He might drop it for a while, but then he usually goes back to it, at least once, during  the course of a day.   It’s always a long, borderline angry soliloquy. It’s usually a fantasy about how he’s going to spend his/our summer, or  It’s about something in the news that may not even be  current or relevant  anymore, but it’s bothering him, a lot.      I used to address this issue logically, pointing out to him how much he’s repeating himself.  Big mistake.  He sees nothing wrong with it. He thinks he’s normal and shame on me for trying to shut him down.    Some of his  pet topics have been ongoing, off and on,  for 20 years.  He repeats them with a great deal of anxious, nervous  energy.  It’s maddening.

I’m starting to see that it gets worse around the changing of the seasons. So I guess at least I should know it’s coming.    I sometimes have earbuds in my ears, and I sneakily turn up the volume on my iPad, so I don’t hear every single word he’s saying. If he goes too long, I excuse myself and go into into another room, where do a silent, primal scream.  It’s awful. If I walk out the door, I’d have to leave the house 50 times a day, when he’s in this mode.  Thankfully, today I’m leaving the house to be with a friend.  But I can’t just get up and go out all hours of the night and day. 

Is there anything else I might do to ease the pain of this?

I know that if he has an outburst, I’m definitely leaving the house. I have a bag packed, just in case.    It do I need to leave when this happens too?

I really need help. 

Thanks. 

[kells76]

Hi JazzSinger;

Wow, that would feel pretty irritating to be around nonstop, repetitive monologuing. I can't imagine that being pleasant or relaxing.

Does he seem to want/require an audience, or, once he gets going, does he kind of just keep going, regardless of who is or is not around?

Given that he's been doing stuff like this for ~20 years, is he doing anything new or different recently? Or is the difference more that you are (a) noticing a cyclical nature to it (the seasons), and (b) realizing that your past approach (logical "pointing out") wasn't effective? Just getting a better picture of your situation.

[JazzSinger]

Hi JazzSinger;

Wow, that would feel pretty irritating to be around nonstop, repetitive monologuing. I can't imagine that being pleasant or relaxing.

Does he seem to want/require an audience, or, once he gets going, does he kind of just keep going, regardless of who is or is not around?

Given that he's been doing stuff like this for ~20 years, is he doing anything new or different recently? Or is the difference more that you are (a) noticing a cyclical nature to it (the seasons), and (b) realizing that your past approach (logical "pointing out") wasn't effective? Just getting a better picture of your situation.

Hi Kells76,

He has a couple of topics that he’s clung to for 20 years.  It’s beyond irritating.  I think what’s changed is that I FINALLY realize NOTHING I can say or do will change this behavior.   I either have to leave the room or feign interest,  no matter how painful, until he stops. And he does it loudly and with a lot of anxiety in his voice.  It’s almost like something is forcing him to do it.

I’m  seeing or finally admitting to myself just how difficult it is to live with him.That it’s not just the outbursts.   I’m finally acknowledging what I’ve been putting up with, year after year. And I’m also realizing that it is seasonal.  So yes, I’m just now getting a “better picture” of what’s going on. 

He definitely needs an audience.  If he notices that I am trying not to absorb what he’s saying, he gets annoyed.  So i feign interest, in hopes that he’ll stop.  It rarely works, because I think he knows I’m faking.  So he just goes in and on.  Sometimes times he gets mad at me.

One of his pet topics is, “We’ve got to get to the beach.” Meanwhile, in the 20 years we’ve been married, we’ve only been to the beach maybe 5 times, tops.  Thats because (a) I don’t think he likes the beach anymore, like he did when he was a very young man, since  we’ve never stayed more than 45 minutes, because it gets “too hot,” (b)  it’s a very long drive for us, since he insists on going to the far away  beach of his younger years , rather than someplace closer, and (c) he doesn’t want to do the driving any more! Then he spends the entire summer, resisting going to the beach.  Complaining and beating himself up on most days, saying that he should be at the beach but it’s too far to go. Then he’ll cycle back to the “We’ve got to get to the beach” stuff.  He’ll do this all summer long, into the fall. Or, if I’m lucky, he’ll stop by mid-summer, realizing we’re not going to the beach.  BTW, I like the beach, but realize the one he wants is  too far, and we have other options.  Also, sadly, his anxiety makes me almost hate the beach. 

I’m sorry.  That’s bizarre behavior.  And I’ve observed it’s worse this year, because he’s bought big bulky equipment — a HUGE “portable” refrigerator and a gas grill for our trips to the beach.  Meanwhile, about 15 years ago he bought a grill for the same purpose, and we NEVER used it.  We gave it to Goodwill. 

Thanks so very much for responding.  I really, really appreciate all comments.

[CC43]

Jazz,

That sounds very frustrating and draining.  I can see why you want to extricate yourself from all that negativity.

I lived a long time with a chronic complainer.  He constantly complained about how much work he was doing, how little everyone else was doing and how little he was appreciated, etc.  He would be extremely jealous if anyone else was having fun or was joyful, because he was not, and he felt left out.  He made sure we knew how unfair it felt to him.  Looking back, I think this situation was a combination of him feeling overwhelmed, and at the same time, powerless.  He didn't quite realize that his choices were in fact his choices.  I think he might have felt "trapped," and complaining was his outlet.  Nobody called him on it, so it became chronic.

So what do you do?  You can try validating:  "I understand why you'd feel that way."  You can try further exploration of the situation:  "You've been ruminating about this a long time.  How does that make you feel?  Why?"  And you could try to find a way out:  "What do you think you can do to resolve this quandary?"  Or something more aggressive: "I've heard you complain about this topic hundreds of times.  Every time I suggest a solution, you disagree, and you don't provide any alternative.  So why do you continue to involve me?  You're not interested in my input, and the negativity is weighing on me.  If you don't have anything new or positive to say about this topic, then keep it to yourself.  From now on, when you bring up this topic, I'll remind you how it makes me feel, and if you continue, I'll leave the room."

My sister has a tendency to talk about negative topics ad nauseam.  Usually I'll let her rant around five to fifteen minutes.  Then I'll give her a warning:  "We've talked about this already [and there's nothing more to add].  I'm tired talking about this.  Let's change the subject."  She'll typically say, "OK, but . . ."  After 10 seconds, I will interrupt, "I said we've talked about this enough for today."  And she will say again, "OK, but . . . " And I will interrupt again, "If you continue to talk about this, I'll have to hang up."  By then (the third warning), she'll stop. 

[JazzSinger]

Jazz,

So what do you do?  You can try validating:  "I understand why you'd feel that way."  You can try further exploration of the situation:  "You've been ruminating about this a long time.  How does that make you feel?  Why?"  And you could try to find a way out:  "What do you think you can do to resolve this quandary?"  Or something more aggressive: "I've heard you complain about this topic hundreds of times.  Every time I suggest a solution, you disagree, and you don't provide any alternative.  So why do you continue to involve me?  You're not interested in my input, and the negativity is weighing on me.  If you don't have anything new or positive to say about this topic, then keep it to yourself.  From now on, when you bring up this topic, I'll remind you how it makes me feel, and if you continue, I'll leave the room."

CC43,

Thanks so much for the tip.   I will try, using some of your words.  In the past, I’ve explained to him that I have nothing more to add or say, and that I think he’s exhausted the topic. But that didn’t stop him.  It only made him angry, insisting that ruminating over something for 20 years is normal. This time, I’ll take it a step further, and I WIll tell him to keep it to himself ( although I fear a blow up).  And then, I will leave the room.

 I think it might work. I’ve got to establish boundaries.

Thanks so much. 

[Gerda]

This sounds similar to my husband. He'll talk on and on and on about things he's interested in (or upset about). I used to try to engage with him and give him my opinion on the topic, but I eventually figured out that he only wanted me to agree with him on everything. If I disagree with anything he gets mad. He also has no patience to listen to anything I want to talk about. I noticed years ago that if I tried to talk to him about something, it wouldn't be long before he would change the subject back to something he's interested in or otherwise twist it around to make it about him.

So now I've pretty much given up trying to have any real reciprocal conversations with him and just go "mmhm" and "uh-huh" until he's done. It does help that he often does this on the phone. He'll call me when he's on his lunch break or when he's commuting to or from work and talk for a hour or two. If I'm at home at the time, I'll just put my phone on speaker and do something else while he talks.

When we're both at home it's harder, but really, he doesn't even seem to notice that I'm not really listening to him. It's weird, but it really does seem to me like he either doesn't notice or doesn't care that I'm just sitting there going "uh huh" for an hour or two. Occasionally he complains that I don't give him enough feedback, but again, I've figured out that he just wants me to agree with him about everything.

I agree with CC43 that you can try setting boundaries. When I get really tired of listening to him, I have figured out some things I can tell him to end the conversation. Some sort of "oh sorry, I gotta go do something" kind of excuse.

[Pook075]

One of his pet topics is, “We’ve got to get to the beach.”

My response would be, "Great.  Let's book it now."

Sometimes you have to retreat these conversations, but sometimes it also pays to lean in.  If he's unstable about the beach or the hardware store or what's for dinner then address it directly and either force him to either make a decision...or have you make the decision.  Either way breaks the cycle.

It is bizarre behavior and it is quite annoying at times, but that's mental illness.  So when he's stuck in a loop, break the loop!

[JazzSinger]

So now I've pretty much given up trying to have any real reciprocal conversations with him and just go "mmhm" and "uh-huh" until he's done. It does help that he often does this on the phone. He'll call me when he's on his lunch break or when he's commuting to or from work and talk for a hour or two. If I'm at home at the time, I'll just put my phone on speaker and do something else while he talks.

Gerda,

Thanks for sharing. 

I do a lot uhhuh’s and mmhm’s too.  But there are times when he gets angry if he realizes  I’m ignoring him. That’s when I lie and insist I’m playing close attention.  I have found that if I tell him I have nothing to add, he gets ANGRIER. That’s when I leave the room.  That stops him, until he gets tuned up again a day or so later.  I never know when he’s going to get off the topic.   I’ve also realized that some topics last forever, reappearing and disappearing, over the years.  .

Thanks again.

[JazzSinger]

My response would be, "Great.  Let's book it now."

Sometimes you have to retreat these conversations, but sometimes it also pays to lean in.  If he's unstable about the beach or the hardware store or what's for dinner then address it directly and either force him to either make a decision...or have you make the decision.  Either way breaks the cycle.

It is bizarre behavior and it is quite annoying at times, but that's mental illness.  So when he's stuck in a loop, break the loop!

Pook075,

Thanks so much.

I’m remembering that once, when he was on a seemingly never-ending kick about moving to another state, one day I said,

“OK! I’m ready to move!”

He got this terrified look on his face, and started giving me reasons why we shouldn’t move.  LOL.  Never heard about it again for at least a year. 

So maybe I’ll tell him that I too can’t wait to get to the beach, and that I’m dying to use the giant, “portable” refrigerator he bought for us to take with us to the beach.  Hopefully, that’ll break the loop. 

Thanks again. 

[CC43]

Hi Jazz,

I agree with Pook and hope it works.  If my husband proposed, let's go to the beach, I'd say, OK, let's go tomorrow (or as soon as realistically possible).  I'd announce that I'll go to the grocery tonight to get provisions for sandwiches.  It wouldn't matter it's not summer . . . we could have a nice stroll along the beach and enjoy some fresh air and ocean views with no crowds!

(I am a "Yes" person and typically jump on any invitation to do something fun.  My husband is a "No" person and really needs prodding to do some things.  So if he ever suggests doing something together, 99% of the time, I say "Yes," even if it's inconvenient or not my cup of tea.  Doing things with someone you love is more important than doing things you love . . .)

I've used this tactic a few times with my husband, who doesn't have BPD.  However, I caution that it won't always work.  He'd give me a list why the idea is stupid . . . he's busy, the weather isn't good, it's not summer, etc.  If I say, OK then, let's reserve a date, he'll say, I don't want to get out my calendar right now, there's nothing to reserve, I have other things to do in the summer, etc.  So he basically just continues with the complaining.

At that point, that's when I might say, then why do you involve me?  I've offered solutions, but you're not interested.  This endless talk and excuses not to do anything about it are really stressing me out.  So if you're going to bring up the topic again and yet refuse to listen to me or make an effort to improve the situation, I'm going to get too stressed out.  I'll have to leave the room if you make me feel that way, because I don't want to get in a fight, and I don't want to ruin the day.

[JazzSinger]

Hi Jazz,

I agree with Pook and hope it works.  If my husband proposed, let's go to the beach, I'd say, OK, let's go tomorrow (or as soon as realistically possible).  I'd announce that I'll go to the grocery tonight to get provisions for sandwiches.  It wouldn't matter it's not summer . . . we could have a nice stroll along the beach and enjoy some fresh air and ocean views with no crowds! .

Thanks, CC43. 

The thing is, he DOESN’T want to go to the beach.  He just wants to ruminate. He seems to like the fantasy.  And it’s something he used to do over 30 years ago, when he lived very close to the beach. This was before we were married or even knew each other. 

When the weather gets warm, he talks about going to the beach, every night, saying that we’ll go the following morning.  He gets anxious about it. He talks so much about it that in the early years of our marriage, I’d prepare for it — I’d get my swimsuit out, etc.  And then the next day, we didn’t  go! We almost NEVER GO. He doesn’t want to do the driving, or he has other excuses.  It’s so frustrating.  We’ve been to the beach maybe 4 or 5 times in 20 YEARS, because he forced himself. We stay maybe 45 minutes, and on the way back, he’d sometimes say, “You know I forced myself to drive to the beach.” I don’t understand it.  It’s very frustrating.

But thanks. I’ll try pushing it.  Maybe it will break the pattern, one way or another.

 Thanks so much.