New here. Caught in a loop

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi All.
I'm new here. I'm married to someone with BPD (around 10 years together). First major signs of BPD were about five years ago with a diagnosis around three years ago. Partner has had some group DBT, but not currently in therapy of any description and resistant to either 1-1 or couples therapy.

We're trapped in a cycle where I'm always blamed for everything. I'm always told that I am a liar or manipulative for not fixing the relationship when I have said I would do things. Most of the conflict centers around sex. I am expected to instigate and make her feel more comfortable about wanting sex. But with lots of conflict, even getting to the stage where we can have any form of intimacy is a challenge. Because we go through periods of improvement and decline in this area, I am told that I'm lazy or am making promises to string her along/ manipulate her - when in reality, I just find it difficult driving all our intimacy when there is the threat of hostility hanging over my actions. I often feel like I have no choice but to accept her demands that I "fix" things, as she will never listen to my feelings about it (that we need to see someone for support because the conflicts make it so much harder!) I've had several therapists of my own in the past and identified that all I can do in this situation is work on accepting things as they are and work on my own mental health by engaging in things I enjoy. I currently have no T as I can't afford the sessions anymore. I've also done some work on my own behaviors. I have responded to situations badly. I used to have quite a long fuse, but I recognize some of the ways I have responded previously have been abusive.

I find that I am easily sucked back into conflict and we end up fighting for days. (I have no interest in fighting, but at the moment I am easily triggered and even when I am trying to be as empathetic and supportive as possible, certain things upset me). I have gone through phases where we have got on for much longer. She sometimes refers to times when I was "trying" - but always tells me I "gave up" for reasons that are never remotely in my line of thinking.

I guess I am after a few things:

First up, does anyone know of any free online support (other than here!)?

How do you work on acceptance? I want to be able to filter out the hurtful things she says to me that upset me. Unfortunately, she seems to say things that mirror my own subconscious thoughts about myself, which can put me in a very low place! So, any tips on acceptance and developing more resilience would be good.

Also, any tips anyone can share on regulating my own emotions?

Thanks in advance!

[cloudwithelipses]

Hi All.
I'm new here. I'm married to someone with BPD (around 10 years together). First major signs of BPD were about five years ago with a diagnosis around three years ago. Partner has had some group DBT, but not currently in therapy of any description and resistant to either 1-1 or couples therapy.

We're trapped in a cycle where I'm always blamed for everything. I'm always told that I am a liar or manipulative for not fixing the relationship when I have said I would do things. Most of the conflict centers around sex. I am expected to instigate and make her feel more comfortable about wanting sex. But with lots of conflict, even getting to the stage where we can have any form of intimacy is a challenge. Because we go through periods of improvement and decline in this area, I am told that I'm lazy or am making promises to string her along/ manipulate her - when in reality, I just find it difficult driving all our intimacy when there is the threat of hostility hanging over my actions. I often feel like I have no choice but to accept her demands that I "fix" things, as she will never listen to my feelings about it (that we need to see someone for support because the conflicts make it so much harder!) I've had several therapists of my own in the past and identified that all I can do in this situation is work on accepting things as they are and work on my own mental health by engaging in things I enjoy. I currently have no T as I can't afford the sessions anymore. I've also done some work on my own behaviors. I have responded to situations badly. I used to have quite a long fuse, but I recognize some of the ways I have responded previously have been abusive.

I find that I am easily sucked back into conflict and we end up fighting for days. (I have no interest in fighting, but at the moment I am easily triggered and even when I am trying to be as empathetic and supportive as possible, certain things upset me). I have gone through phases where we have got on for much longer. She sometimes refers to times when I was "trying" - but always tells me I "gave up" for reasons that are never remotely in my line of thinking.

I guess I am after a few things:

First up, does anyone know of any free online support (other than here!)?

How do you work on acceptance? I want to be able to filter out the hurtful things she says to me that upset me. Unfortunately, she seems to say things that mirror my own subconscious thoughts about myself, which can put me in a very low place! So, any tips on acceptance and developing more resilience would be good.

Also, any tips anyone can share on regulating my own emotions?

Thanks in advance!

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[PearlsBefore]

It's a very detailed introduction post; sorry it does take some hours (or occasionally days) to get much feedback, but be sure to bookmark and check back. I'm a little unclear on the relationship here, not least of all because I'm not sure if T means Tx therapy or T-testosterone. I'm inferring it's a lesbian relationship? You may find LGBT advocacy groups are easier outlets for free therapy, than seeking out MH groups that have a wider demographic clambouring for their services.

If you share your city/state/province, it'll also help people make recommendations.

[cloudwithelipses]

. I'm a little unclear on the relationship here, not least of all because I'm not sure if T means Tx therapy or T-testosterone. I'm inferring it's a lesbian relationship?

If you share your city/state/province, it'll also help people make recommendations.

Thanks for your response!

I am male, partner is female (both cis). Apologies for the confusion! And I meant to type therapist not just T!
Also, I am in the UK. But suspect this is more of a US-centric site  so I guess it would probably be online support.