Assistance with understanding BPD traits

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

I'm going to apologise in advance because this is a fair wall of text.

So I'm currently broken up from my ex of 7 months. She broke up with me at the start of January over a cold one paragraph text saying that she 'Just wasn't feeling it anymore' and 'Can't cope with the back and forth'.

I've been seeing my counsellor and discussed the relationship at length and my counsellor is leaning towards the conclusion that my ex has BPD. That has been... eye opening to say the least.

I was wondering if some of you here could help me confirm some of the behaviours that she was exhibiting are BPD?

For example the start of the relationship was calm and happy, we didn't meet incredibly frequently, but when we did we got on like a house on fire. Every time we built up to an emotionally intimate moment she would pull away, and either attempt to breakup with me (with a myriad of reasons) or go silent for a few days. Last minute cancellations of dates were common. It was extremely confusing. We went out to a seaside town, went to an aquarium, had an amazing day, she comes back to mine, we have sex and cuddle for hours, then 2 days of silence and an attempt to breakup with 'I really like you and feel so safe with you and it just scares me too much'.

One time we went on a camping weekend together, and for me it was just the most magical time, and she also said that it was her favourite weekend of the year. A couple of days later, she wants to breakup and just feels like we're friends, despite the intense sex and emotionally deep conversations we had while we were away. I thought I was going nuts. But I left it there. I'm not one to beg and plead. 4 days later she messages me as if nothing had happened, said she'd be happy to go out for a walk and clear the air. We did, we reconciled, she initiated a kiss WITH ME, and then we were going with it again.

In the last couple of months of our relationship she really upped her game, she started seeing me loads more, she invited me to dinner for her birthday with her family, she invited me over for Xmas dinner in December with her family, we were going to away for a few days together, but she cancelled that about a day before because her Gran had died. We then had a belated Christmas day together where we exchanged presents and she bought me an amazing dressing gown, tickets to Harry Potter World, and was talking about going travelling and gave me a Christmas card saying she was so excited to see what 2024 had in store for us, and then we had passionate sex in the back of her car. Then BOOM, 3 more days of silence, I messaged her on NYE and she didn't even respond. Then two days later she ended it over the one paragraph text I mentioned.

I asked her to talk about it to atleast give me an explanation, and she just said that there was 'Nothing else to say'. I asked about the Harry Potter World tickets and the travelling plans and she basically said 'I did want to do those things, but I don't really want to now. I was devastated but I cut my losses and went No Contact. She then breadcrumbed me with memes. A week after that when I wasn't particularly engaging with her she messages me saying she needs to talk to me and that her dad has assaulted her mum and she was terrified. Me, still being hopelessly in love with her stayed up talking to her and trying to comfort her. She apologised a few times for putting this all on me, but it didn't feel particularly genuine, once the apology was out, it was straight back to her. After that happened I went back to NC and she reached out again 2 weeks later saying that she was so thankful for everything I'd done for her and that she was sorry she'd been PLEASE READ. I replied curtly but politely and said it's fine. She then invited me over for dinner. I wanted some form of closure so I accepted and said, 'Just let me know when you're free'. She then messaged me AGAIN the next day asking for my charity run donation page (I was running a half marathon in memory of my uncle) to which I sent a link.

Since then, silence. No update on the dinner plans, no donation to my charity run. But she still intently watches my stories on Instagram.

And she's now back on dating apps, comically with the phrase 'Looking for emotional intelligence' in her bio, as if she see's me as emotionally defunct, after all the emotional support I gave her through tough times.

As a note, I never experienced any rages from her, but there's been plenty of hot and cold behaviour, last minute cancellations, various erratic things that have made me question whether she ever cared about me at all. Was our relationship not long enough to experience the real rage aspects and the REALLY bad behaviours, or has my counsellor maybe been a bit overzealous with their 3rd party diagnosis? And this is by far the worst pain I've had from a breakup. I hope some of you might be able to relate and shed some light on this for me. Thanks for your time.

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[Sab120]

I'm going to apologise in advance because this is a fair wall of text.

So I'm currently broken up from my ex of 7 months. She broke up with me at the start of January over a cold one paragraph text saying that she 'Just wasn't feeling it anymore' and 'Can't cope with the back and forth'.

I've been seeing my counsellor and discussed the relationship at length and my counsellor is leaning towards the conclusion that my ex has BPD. That has been... eye opening to say the least.

I was wondering if some of you here could help me confirm some of the behaviours that she was exhibiting are BPD?

For example the start of the relationship was calm and happy, we didn't meet incredibly frequently, but when we did we got on like a house on fire. Every time we built up to an emotionally intimate moment she would pull away, and either attempt to breakup with me (with a myriad of reasons) or go silent for a few days. Last minute cancellations of dates were common. It was extremely confusing. We went out to a seaside town, went to an aquarium, had an amazing day, she comes back to mine, we have sex and cuddle for hours, then 2 days of silence and an attempt to breakup with 'I really like you and feel so safe with you and it just scares me too much'.

One time we went on a camping weekend together, and for me it was just the most magical time, and she also said that it was her favourite weekend of the year. A couple of days later, she wants to breakup and just feels like we're friends, despite the intense sex and emotionally deep conversations we had while we were away. I thought I was going nuts. But I left it there. I'm not one to beg and plead. 4 days later she messages me as if nothing had happened, said she'd be happy to go out for a walk and clear the air. We did, we reconciled, she initiated a kiss WITH ME, and then we were going with it again.

In the last couple of months of our relationship she really upped her game, she started seeing me loads more, she invited me to dinner for her birthday with her family, she invited me over for Xmas dinner in December with her family, we were going to away for a few days together, but she cancelled that about a day before because her Gran had died. We then had a belated Christmas day together where we exchanged presents and she bought me an amazing dressing gown, tickets to Harry Potter World, and was talking about going travelling and gave me a Christmas card saying she was so excited to see what 2024 had in store for us, and then we had passionate sex in the back of her car. Then BOOM, 3 more days of silence, I messaged her on NYE and she didn't even respond. Then two days later she ended it over the one paragraph text I mentioned.

I asked her to talk about it to atleast give me an explanation, and she just said that there was 'Nothing else to say'. I asked about the Harry Potter World tickets and the travelling plans and she basically said 'I did want to do those things, but I don't really want to now. I was devastated but I cut my losses and went No Contact. She then breadcrumbed me with memes. A week after that when I wasn't particularly engaging with her she messages me saying she needs to talk to me and that her dad has assaulted her mum and she was terrified. Me, still being hopelessly in love with her stayed up talking to her and trying to comfort her. She apologised a few times for putting this all on me, but it didn't feel particularly genuine, once the apology was out, it was straight back to her. After that happened I went back to NC and she reached out again 2 weeks later saying that she was so thankful for everything I'd done for her and that she was sorry she'd been PLEASE READ. I replied curtly but politely and said it's fine. She then invited me over for dinner. I wanted some form of closure so I accepted and said, 'Just let me know when you're free'. She then messaged me AGAIN the next day asking for my charity run donation page (I was running a half marathon in memory of my uncle) to which I sent a link.

Since then, silence. No update on the dinner plans, no donation to my charity run. But she still intently watches my stories on Instagram.

And she's now back on dating apps, comically with the phrase 'Looking for emotional intelligence' in her bio, as if she see's me as emotionally defunct, after all the emotional support I gave her through tough times.

As a note, I never experienced any rages from her, but there's been plenty of hot and cold behaviour, last minute cancellations, various erratic things that have made me question whether she ever cared about me at all. Was our relationship not long enough to experience the real rage aspects and the REALLY bad behaviours, or has my counsellor maybe been a bit overzealous with their 3rd party diagnosis? And this is by far the worst pain I've had from a breakup. I hope some of you might be able to relate and shed some light on this for me. Thanks for your time.

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[Pook075]

I was wondering if some of you here could help me confirm some of the behaviours that she was exhibiting are BPD?

Hi Sab and welcome to the family.  I'm so sorry you're going through this.

As far as a diagnosis, we're not qualified here other than what we see with BPD's in our lives.  Some are children, or parents, or brothers/sisters of people who suffer from BPD.  Others are married/divorced or in dating relationships with a person showing BPD traits.

A great book to check out is "Stop Walking on Eggshells, 3rd Edition" since it has a diagnosis tool for BPD and NPD.  Again though, this doesn't confirm BPD/NPD, it just shows there's traits present and it could be a possibility.

From what you shared, we can check the boxes for mood swings, unstable relationships, impulsive behaviors, and rapidly changing views.  It looks like the fear of abandonment is there as well (she abandoned you to avoid being abandoned) so BPD is certainly a possibility.

Enough about her though- what are you doing to cope with all of this?  Have you considered therapy to work through all of this?  Let us know how we can help guide you through the next few days/weeks.

[once removed]

Was our relationship not long enough to experience the real rage aspects and the REALLY bad behaviours, or has my counsellor maybe been a bit overzealous with their 3rd party diagnosis? And this is by far the worst pain I've had from a breakup.

how difficult a person is, or how badly they might have treated us (hypothetically or actually) is not a particular indicator of a personality disorder, or the severity of it. so if youre comparing your experience with others, and wondering why you didnt experience those things, it may throw you off.

if it helps, as a starting point, most of the exes described here have bpd traits, but on a subclinical level, meaning they wouldnt reach the threshold for a diagnosis; it might be better thought of as "borderline personality style". whats the difference? mostly, the severity of mental illness; the level of suffering they are experiencing, and the impact of that on their own lives. practically speaking, for us? not much. just a splash of bpd traits can make for a very difficult and hurtful person that causes a lot of destruction, often times even more so than someone who would reach a clinical threshold, who might otherwise be too consumed with their own turmoil.

navigating all of this can be tricky. this should help: https://bpdfamily.com/content/what-borderline-personality-disorder

what i found most helpful in recovering from my breakup, was looking at BPD traits as they applied to my ex and our relationship, and having a strong support system. the breakup really rocked my world, and it sounds like yours has as well. we know what thats like here, and we can tell you that it does get better.

it sounds like her insensitivity, and leaning on you in the aftermath has been particularly hurtful and confusing. it is common for someone with bpd traits to do this, as a means of coping, and while its generally not consciously malicious, its no less hurtful to us, and it will help to see it for what it is.

i also know what its like to have a relationship end when it seems like its on an upswing. it can feel out of nowhere, like the rug has been pulled out from under you, and leave you with lots of questions. coming to terms with the trajectory of the relationship - the hot/cold, the on again/off again, can ultimately help you make sense of things. it certainly sounds like she struggles, and that her internal battles had a lot of really hurtful impact on you.

we're here for you. it does get better.

[CC43]

Sab,

BPD is tricky to diagnose, and tough for loved ones to handle.  I'm not a psychologist.  People are highly varied, and everyone experiences a wide range of emotions from time to time.  I have a stepdaughter diagnosed with BPD.  I'd say the features are as follows:

Emotional dysregulation; seemingly out-of-proportion emotional reactions to situations
High sensitivity to stress
Angry outbursts, usually misplaced
Avoidance to an extreme; procrastination
Blaming others for everything
Inability to apologize; digs in heels rather than owning up to bad behavior
Easily triggered by disappointments or apparent "rejection"
Not taking responsibility for her own decisions
Ghosting; suddenly cutting off people (no communication/contact)
Constantly feeling slighted, wronged or "abused" by others
Retreating from life; staying in bed all day for weeks on end
Losing friends
Kicked out of rooming situations
Lashing out at family
Tantrums
Self-sabotaging behaviors (e.g. walking out on a coveted job after only one or two days)
Standing people up frequently, without any explanation, or with a lame excuse (e.g. oversleeping; dead phone battery)
Inability to support oneself as an adult
Difficulties concentrating because of rumination
Difficulties completing schoolwork
Difficulties getting or keeping a job
Entitled behavior
Wanting to be the center of attention at all times
Drama queen
Little empathy for others
Extreme demandingness of others; disregard for other people's needs or schedules
Can't stand to see others be happy or have success
Suicidal thoughts, threats and attempts
Feeling despair and hopelessness
Saying things like, I can't stand this much longer
Feeling miserable, inferior, worthless
Paranoia; feeling like others are conspiring against her
Ability to "pull things together" for something she wants, but "falling apart" shortly thereafter
Projecting ill feelings or negative traits onto others: "You're a narcissist; you're bullying me; you're being dramatic."
Twisting facts to justify victimhood status
Frequent lying to avoid responsibility
Not really knowing who she is or what she likes; shifting/unstable sense of self
Can't get past the past; ruminating endlessly about ancient slights
Wanting retribution
Pervasive negativity
Difficulties focusing on or planning for the future
Thinking about the future stresses them out, so they avoid it
Poor "executive function" (planning, prioritizing and following through to get tasks done)
Seeming "out of it" when under extreme stress

I think most of us show some of these traits from time to time, or after experiencing a traumatic event.  But the key to me is whether the person can return to a healthy "baseline" reasonably quickly.  Are these traits and behaviors so severe and pervasive that they disrupt one's life, functioning and relationships?  Then it could be a disorder.

[Sab120]

Thank you for all your replies it means a lot.

I apologise if I seemed frustrated. I just want to understand BPD, or BPD traits better, so to better understand my ex.

As for what I've been doing, I've been going to therapy (And understanding that I have some codependency issues and may have developed a trauma bond, which I'm working on) , hitting the gym, learning about BPD and mental health in general, getting my own place etc. But it's been 3 months since the breakup and 2 months since we last spoke and the pain is still very much present.

I guess I hope one day she might reach out and we might be able to have a chance to talk about it, but I'm aware that that's unlikely to be the case. I wonder if she ever thinks about me, and I hope she doesn't view me negatively, but again, I know thats very possible.

[once removed]

I just want to understand BPD, or BPD traits better, so to better understand my ex.

sure, that makes a lot of sense. the article i linked to appears in the top left corner, where you see "Diagnosis + Treatment", if you hold your cursor over it, it links to several other "big picture" articles. additionally, the articles under the "tips" section can help you explore your relationship itself, and, likewise, the "Tools" section can help you to process/heal.

i was in a lot of pain myself, when i came here, and the tools gave me ways i didnt have, to cope.

But it's been 3 months since the breakup and 2 months since we last spoke and the pain is still very much present.

its not a very long time to heal from a breakup, or given the circumstances. in my own experience, i faced a lot of unique/particular hurdles that were harder to overcome than others, especially without support. there were some that remained, even after the pain had passed. there wasnt a magic bullet that made the pain go away, but there was a lot of help in processing it, so that it did.

I guess I hope one day she might reach out and we might be able to have a chance to talk about it, but I'm aware that that's unlikely to be the case.

you might be right. whether she reaches out or not, its unlikely that anything she can say/do will help you to heal. an ex partner just isnt in a great place to do that; they have their own narrative, theyre in a different place in terms of processing, their version of "what went wrong" may change over time.

I wonder if she ever thinks about me

if it helps, i think you know she does, if shes checking your instagram stories. harder to say what, if anything, she thinks specifically.

[Sab120]

Once Removed: Thank you for bringing a bit of logic and sense to an otherwise emotional mind. I really appreciate your kind words and it helps to put things into perspective, I will certainly look at the articles you've listed and put in some work to learn from this.

I've always been a pretty steadfast and logical person and it scares me just how much my emotions are ruling me right now, so it's nice to be brought back down to Earth.

Wishing you the best.