She said I broke her.. and she wants space to figure out her thoughts

[EastAtlanta]

Hello guys, I hope and pray this thread is still active as I am struggling and greatly need the help. For some back story I met my GF online about 2.5 years ago, and it was instant fireworks. We FaceTimed everyday leading up to me flying out to meet her in person for the first time and to driver her down to my home state to be with me. Everything was going great, almost perfect until recently, at least that’s how I felt. She has always had a hard time sharing and expressing her feelings minus telling me to look up BpD and figure it out basically. So all the times she felt I was pushing her aside to do something I was interested in affected her and I never knew. Recently I stumbled across messages between her and a new friend in her life and the messages were so much friendly as they were flirty majorly on his end. In my past I’ve had these issues and I am short to blow up and get angry and yell. Well this time she said I took it way too far and what I did and said was to mentally break her and I pushed her over the edge. I have agreed to seek therapy for myself, and for us together, and we have not formally broken up. However, she tells me that she wants space from me, yet anytime I do anything she wants to know where I’m going, what I’m doing, and who I’m talking to. But I’m not allowed to know or ask questions or she says I’m breaking her space. Last night we talked a little and she said that she wants to rebuild our friendship before we work on rebuilding the relationship and I don’t know what that exactly means for the future.. we bought a house 6 months ago, and share the responsibility of taking care of 10 cats and 3 dogs, mostly her choice to have this amount of animals. I am lost and don’t know what to do or who to turn to because all I want is for this to get better and to feel the love from her again, she has slept in the living room for the last 10 days so I am prone to nightmares and restless sleep. Please any advice on what I can do or say is a godsend. I have started reading “Stop Walking on eggshells” to learn the coping mechanisms she may use and how to interact and I felt I’ve learned a lot, but what it I learned it too late?

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RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[kells76]

Hi EastAtlanta and

Glad you found us and started doing some reading. Learning more about BPD can feel so validating as we process what has happened. Yes, the site is still active, members join every day and many members keep posting for years. There are a ton of articles (like these on Saving a relationship that is in or near breakup) and older threads that have solid information, too.

This was interesting to me:

She has always had a hard time sharing and expressing her feelings minus telling me to look up BpD and figure it out basically.

Has your GF been officially diagnosed with BPD? If so, is she accepting of the diagnosis?

I have agreed to seek therapy for myself, and for us together, and we have not formally broken up.

How is the therapist search going? Having an individual T can be a lifesaver when BPD is in the mix. We have to get our own emotions healthily managed and cared for, before we can have more constructive and effective interactions with a pwBPD.

I have started reading “Stop Walking on eggshells” to learn the coping mechanisms she may use and how to interact and I felt I’ve learned a lot, but what it I learned it too late?

A lot of members have had that fear, too -- it would be terrifying to think that what you've learned is "too little too late" 

The facts that both of you are still living in the same house, and that she says you aren't broken up (even though she wants space), seem positive.

To me, it seems like while you're in an uncomfortable position, you have stuff to work with -- and a solid first step could be working with your own feelings, anxieties, and fears (I've had to do this, too). Take a look at our workshop on distress tolerance -- let us know if anything resonates with you. Once you can get yourself to a baseline, you are in a much better place to hear her concerns with new tools and skills that can help her feel more heard.

Keep us in the loop, and again, welcome;

kells76

[EastAtlanta]

I felt the urge to write a new post to better describe my original post. So for 2.5 years I have loved and cared for my BP partner, she has been nothing short of an amazing lover, and amazing individual, and all around a great woman in my life. We have had some issues in the past with the way that we argue. Due to my past, I have a fear of abandonment and certain things that she has said or done has made me feel helpless and while she is the type to act In I am completely opposite and I’m the type to act out. Well, when we get into these spats it gets loud and she shuts down on me, we had gone quite a while with not a single issue minus one occasion where we got into a fight and I broke a shelf on my side of the bed and scared her. I apologized and we were good for a few months until recently. I found messages between her and a new friend in her life and she was reciprocating messages if I love you to this guy, and feeding into the flirtatious behaviors he was showing. I blew up, worse than ever before and I ended up smashing a hole in my wall with my head and once the smoke settled we talked and she explained it was a misunderstanding on my end and that she didn’t mean it that way and this guy was just a friend. Ultimately she refused to remove him from her life and thus has caused me much mental turmoil and anguish. This last Tuesday we got into one last massive fight and I did and said a bunch of hurtful things to the point she said I broke her mentally and that she needed space away from me. However, she still checks in on me constantly because she “feels bad” and right now I’m in limbo with giving her space while not knowing where I stand with her and she is still friends with this guy and contacts him daily. What do I do? I can’t make her remove this individual who Is ruining our life together, and how long does space mean? We sleep in separate rooms, we do not have any intimate time together minus a kiss and hug. I am at a loss and don’t know what to do because everyday I worry she is just falling out of love with me and is starting to fall for him.  Please any advice on what I can do to cope with the amount of space she wants and how to respect that when we live together and we cross paths all day and she still calls on me for help and everything.  I work 8 hours a day and most times come home, and end up having to clean the majority of the house myself, as well as cooking dinner for us each night and then doing the dishes. But then I am getting nothing 

[tina7868]

Hi EastAtlanta! Welcome to the group  . Thank you for sharing your story with us.

It sounds like you have been through an emotional rollercoaster.

Ultimately she refused to remove him from her life and thus has caused me much mental turmoil and anguish. This last Tuesday we got into one last massive fight and I did and said a bunch of hurtful things to the point she said I broke her mentally and that she needed space away from me.

It seems like this other guy is a big source of contention. Could you share more about what was said during this fight?

Please any advice on what I can do to cope with the amount of space she wants and how to respect that when we live together and we cross paths all day and she still calls on me for help and everything.

It will be harder because you live together, but I urge you to focus on yourself and your own well being during this time. It is important to take space for yourself to get centered, in order to evaluate the situation from a place of calm. It sounds like a lot of your thoughts revolve around her and what she`s thinking, which is undertandable, but you more importantly need to tap into your own emotions in a time like this.

Be patient and kind with yourself!

[EastAtlanta]

I know this is most likely a non judgement zone and I’m scared to express these feelings because I am filled with shame and disgust with myself for my actions. Before I continue I feel the need to say upon doing more research and soul searching I have learned how to bring things up and talk with her without causing blow up fights and to remain calm and repeat her feelings back to her that I understand acknowledge them and I try my best to reason with her. I am also pre-diagnosed with BPD myself as of recently which is an extremely scary thought. But during our fight I screamed, viscerally that it feels like she don’t even want me, that no one has wanted me that I choose her everyday and she can’t even choose me, after all she promised all she said she couldn’t make a decision. To keep this friend or to lose me, I told her these fights and these feelings have pushed me to the point where I wanted to kill myself and it still wasn’t good enough, I peeled out of our driveway and zipped down the road and she called me and continued arguing, I came back and we argued some more I accused her of lying to me, hiding PLEASE READ, I took off my necklace she gave me 2 years ago that I’ve never ever taken off and said goodbye to her and drove away crying, hysterical, I was honestly going to just hit a tree at 110 but I called my buddy and he talked me down and I came back home and my thoughts were a little more clear and I was no longer in that white hot rage. Since then we have discussed the idea we both need therapy, plus couples therapy, and that she wants space to clear her thoughts, but the thing about that is her constantly checking in on what I’m doing, if I leave without any word which is me giving her space, she texts or calls to ask where I’ve gone and I just feel like she wants space on her terms and PLEASE READ my feelings, she comes to me 3-5 times a night to give me a hug and a kiss and even before i go to bed.

[tina7868]

Hi EastAtlanta!

I know this is most likely a non judgement zone and I’m scared to express these feelings because I am filled with shame and disgust with myself for my actions.

Indeed, this is a non-judgement zone. I would encourage you to extend that non-judgement towards yourself. Mistakes happen in life. As members, we draw on our own experiences in order to support you, but of course that has limitations, because we aren`t trained professionals.

Your insight that therapy would be helpful in better understanding yourself. How is the search for a therapist going?

What is the situation like now between the two of you?

[EastAtlanta]

Good morning. The search for a therapist is slowing coming together. I have no health insurance and no way to financially afford it otherwise but I have a few good friends who are helping me out and talking with me daily and sending me links and providing me help. The situation between me and my SO is okay? I’m still a little on edge because of the space but we spent yesterday together at the movies and then around the house a bit and there was a little tension whenever I wanted to talk about my feelings. But I was able to express my feelings without getting to any negative stage and was able to step away from a conversation that otherwise would’ve normally set me off. Then she came to me when I went to the bedroom to get ready for bed and apologized for not listening and she told me that things will be more normal soon she hopes and that she just needs some more space for right now, so ultimately it’s not exactly where I want it to be, but it’s a start. Still trying to process and cope with some fears but it’s a daily process