Understanding the Relationship Cycle

[bunnybee]

Hello,
First time poster here in need of some support. I’m not really sure on where to start with this. I guess i can give some insight to my relationship first. My boyfriend and I have been living together for about a year now and have been together for a year and a half. We were long distance and decided to close the gap to give our relationship a real chance. I will say that I came into his life at a big change period for him. Leaving a job he had been in for nearly 7 years, to struggling to find a new one and helping him cope with rejections for months. I think the biggest support I need is maybe understanding the cycle of our relationship and how others deal with theirs. I have done a lot of research on BPD to try to understand but sometimes it leaves me with a lot of unanswered questions. I’ve noticed he goes through these periods with me where he wants to spend all of his time with me, he is really generous and sweet and affectionate and then suddenly for no apparent reason he switches to not really wanting to be around me at all, making me question if he even loves me anymore, and just seeming disinterested in the relationship as a whole. During this period it is hard to not feel alone as I don’t have any friends or family nearby for support. Sometimes I am able to vent to coworkers about my feelings but I try not to do this often. I suffer badly with anxiety and low self esteem which I am trying to correct but it’s not easy. During the periods where he is withdrawn it just seems like there is this distance between us. I have tried everything from giving him his space, to trying to talk to him about what may be bothering him, to just trying to leave him little notes and messages to let him know all of the nice things that I and others think about them but I guess none of them seem to work. When I give him space during this period it seems like this makes him more upset and when I try to talk to him he says nothing is wrong. He sometimes will get angry with me about very little things, no outrages or anything like that he will just refuse to speak to me. I apologize and he does the same thing for a day or two and then everything is okay again. I just feel like I can’t ever come to him when he has done something that has hurt my feelings because he just shuts down. I love this man very much. I try so hard to be sympathetic and understanding to his situation and try different things that may make him more comfortable but I feel like I am not succeeding. He is my best friend and I know he feels the same about me and I know he loves me. He is definitely a acts of service type of love language as opposed to the physical touch which has taken some getting used to but I understand now this is how he expresses his love for me. A lot of changes going on for us right now such as moving into a new place, and a new job with hours where we will not be seeing eachother much. I guess I’m not sure what I’m asking for exactly in terms of support. But any words of encouragement or similar experiences would be great to hear. Thanks for taking the time to read this.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[tina7868]

Hi bunnybee! I am sorry about the circumstances that brought you here, but glad you`re sharing your story with us. A lot of us here can relate to elements in your story. Through posting here, it is possible to gain a lot of insight and grow both as an individual and as a partner.

I`m sorry if I missed this, but is your partner diagnosed with BPD?

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It sounds like you care a lot about your partner, and want to understand a pattern of behaviours that results from your dynamic.

First, from reading your post, it seems like the pattern boils down to :

he wants to spend a lot of time with you → he doesn`t want to be around you anymore, refuses to speak to you → you aren`t sure what to do → a day or two passes, then everything is back to `normal`

Would you agree with this sequence? Would you modify anything?

We cannot control how people react. However, by gaining insight into the pattern that occurs, how it makes you feel, and what you can control, a lot of the unpleasant feelings on your end can be mitigated.

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A lot of changes going on for us right now such as moving into a new place, and a new job with hours where we will not be seeing eachother much.

These new elements can also be contributing to increased levels of stress. It`s important to keep in mind the situational aspect of things. In the past, how have things gone when something `new` was introduced into your lives?


Looking forward to reading your answer! Feel free to respond with as little or as much detail as you feel comfortable with. Everyone has their own process and pace, take your time to settle in and be patient with yourself!

[bunnybee]

So sorry! Yes my partner has been diagnosed and from what I understand received some therapy several years ago but hasn’t been since then. I guess with change there is just always an adjustment period but it feels like these are the times where he nitpicks me about certain things that he normally wouldn’t care about or that he does himself and when I bring this up he comes up with excuses but ultimately apologizes.

[kells76]

Hi bunnybee, adding my voice to welcome you to the group 

Can you tell us a bit more about this:

it feels like these are the times where he nitpicks me about certain things that he normally wouldn’t care about or that he does himself and when I bring this up he comes up with excuses but ultimately apologizes.

What does it look like when that happens? I.e., is it over text, on the phone, or in person? How long does it last? What have you typically done when he gets that way?

There may be some alternatives to try, when he goes down that path, that could be healthier for you and the relationship.