I need to get past the illusion.. Help?

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

My BPD boyfriend discarded me again. This time feels final. He completely moved out in January but continued to tell me he loved me. I went NC but we got in touch 3 weeks later of a check he let bounce. He told me he loved me and that and that he felt sick over the break up. Long story short I let him back. Foe three weeks he loved bombed (im guessing) we felt perfect. He was different more understanding. He was asking me the vary day he left if he could move his furniture back in. We where on the couch having a great time making plans for a romantic weekend. He walked into the bedroom and walked out accusing me of texting someone else. He left and told me to accept its over and move on. He will not speak to me and has me blocked. Im stuck, shattered, confused. I cant eat, sleep or function at work. I need advice Im desperate.

[Neffy76]

My BPD boyfriend discarded me again. This time feels final. He completely moved out in January but continued to tell me he loved me. I went NC but we got in touch 3 weeks later of a check he let bounce. He told me he loved me and that and that he felt sick over the break up. Long story short I let him back. Foe three weeks he loved bombed (im guessing) we felt perfect. He was different more understanding. He was asking me the vary day he left if he could move his furniture back in. We where on the couch having a great time making plans for a romantic weekend. He walked into the bedroom and walked out accusing me of texting someone else. He left and told me to accept its over and move on. He will not speak to me and has me blocked. Im stuck, shattered, confused. I cant eat, sleep or function at work. I need advice Im desperate.

[Turkish]

That's brutal Neffy76, and I'm sorry.

It sounds like he has the BPD self-loathing script running in his head ("I'm worthless and unworthy of love; i don't matter"). It sounds like you were and are sincere.

[Kashi]

I know exactly how you feel, how hurtful it is, how confusing it is

It pulls at your heart and mind like nothing else

One day you are going to come to a place where you no longer believe anything he says.  He will hurt in ways that will take quite a while to recover from.  You will start to question your own reality.  Your self-esteem will be virtually nonexistent.  You will see the core of the person you gave your love to. It won't be pretty.  You will hardly recognize the person.  You will continually be blamed, gaslighted, and his emotions (bad ones) projected on to you.  He possible could cheat on you, steal money and you will feel used. 

You will realise how severe his mental illness is and how there was nothing you could have done.

Listen.   They have an emotional wall and a big guard that stands there all the time.

You thought he opened to you but that is not the case.  They never and I mean never drop that wall.

You are in fact loving a wall.  Inside the wall is a person who thinks and has needs of a child, is scared, has distorted thoughts about themselves and you.  On the outside of the wall is the facade.  Between the two is simply a mess and tangle of thoughts.  On top of the wall is the guard who punishes if any "hurt" can be established,  and those hurts can be so minor you don't even know most of the time they happened.  If you do often they are irrational.

But mark my words.  Every hurt he has stuck away in his mental library.

One day you will get punished x 100 for all those hurts he has filed on you.

Also know he has exit plans ready to go.   He will activate them without a thought about you.

So, while you are feeling love for him remind yourself that love is actually yours, not his.

His love is some kind of diluted, childlike, needy, fear-based emotion he thinks is love. 

The kindest thing you can do for both of you is if he has you in the silent treatment phase, use it.

Leave and don't back.   If he contacts, you just keep it simple.  He left you and hurt you and you can do that anymore. 

He needs to get help and sort himself out because it's not safe and it's hurtful.

Then shut it down.

It will only get worse.   If I could tell myself that very story 15 years ago and I had listened, or had someone tell me.  I would be far better place than I am now.  Far happier.  Far less anxiety. 

You realize that relationship will affect your mental health? 

[Neffy76]

Believe me this relationship has destroyed me. All the ghosting after wonder weekends w/o explanation, constantly blaming me for cheating, silent treatments, coming home to no furniture and constantly forgiving, And now i have nothing to show for it. I dont exist and he is talking to other woman. its hard to understand how you could hurt someone who has given you everything but their first born.

[Wipedout]

Same thing just happened to me. Plans for two trips coming up. I too believe this was the final discard.I can barely move.I feel I have to stop asking why she does what she does and start asking why I keep going back for more abuse. Especially when everything I read and see suggests they never felt OR gave the same love we gave. . If this is really REALLY the case that they never felt what we did then this is damn scary.

[Pook075]

In my breakup, we had booked a cruise the week before...and bought her a new car a week before that.  The final week was deafening silence though and I had no idea what had happened.

That was 19 or 20 months ago, and now I do understand what happened.  It wasn't about me and it wasn't my fault.  She just couldn't be married anymore and had to go live her best life.

If it helps, the pain does fade over time and understandings become more clear.  This ultimately wasn't about you, but a deep seeded fear inside him that he'll always be running from.  It's mental health and that's not anyone's fault.