Creating Crisis Situations to Avoid Responsibility

[AcheyMom]

My daughter seems to create huge health crisis situations to avoid accountability when she makes bad choices that result in potential consequences.  That way people see her as sick and can’t get upset or call her out on her poor behaviour.  Sound familiar to anyone?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Pook075]

My daughter seems to create huge health crisis situations to avoid accountability when she makes bad choices that result in potential consequences.  That way people see her as sick and can’t get upset or call her out on her poor behaviour.  Sound familiar to anyone?

Yup, it sounds familiar to everyone here.

With the two BPD's in my life, the way people see them is infinitely more important than what they actually do.  And you know what- that's perfectly fine.  Let them do them.  They have free will and get to make their own choices.

However, this isn't about your daughter if we're being honest, it's about you.  She can do whatever she wants and you have no control over that.  But you can control how you respond.  If her actions make you act in a way that's not normal for your life, then you're being manipulated.  And if you bail her out based on her actions, it's enabling her and showing that bad behavior produces good things in life.

With my BPD daughter, I don't care if she's sick or not.  Wrong is wrong and I'll call her on it.

[kells76]

How does word get out about her "health situations"? Does she tell you (email, text, social media, etc) directly?

[AcheyMom]

She’s constantly going to the hospital, posting it on FB, claiming she has COPD (The Doctor said she doesn’t),when a boyfriend leaves her it becomes a mental health emergency and she has to be hospitalized.  She is also Bipolar and will stop taking her meds and spiral quickly so you have to take care of everything for her including dealing with the animals she keeps getting and then ultimately discarding them because she can’t take care of them.  Her son has been in our care a few times.  Our focus now is on him and we don’t help her anymore with the messes she gets into.  But we back off only for  social services to step up and fix things for her. These episodes where she stops her meds seem deliberate since she keeps doing it when she gets into a pickle.  I probably sound cold and maybe I am now because she’s 33 and it’s like groundhog day.  Last summer she was hospitalized. Urgently 4 cats were re-homed. She has gradually collected 2 cats and 2 dogs over the last 6 months. Her we go again….

[Pook075]

She’s constantly going to the hospital, posting it on FB, claiming she has COPD (The Doctor said she doesn’t),when a boyfriend leaves her it becomes a mental health emergency and she has to be hospitalized.  She is also Bipolar and will stop taking her meds and spiral quickly so you have to take care of everything for her including dealing with the animals she keeps getting and then ultimately discarding them because she can’t take care of them.  Her son has been in our care a few times.  Our focus now is on him and we don’t help her anymore with the messes she gets into.  But we back off only for  social services to step up and fix things for her. These episodes where she stops her meds seem deliberate since she keeps doing it when she gets into a pickle.  I probably sound cold and maybe I am now because she’s 33 and it’s like groundhog day.  Last summer she was hospitalized. Urgently 4 cats were re-homed. She has gradually collected 2 cats and 2 dogs over the last 6 months. Her we go again….

My BPD daughter is 25 and can't have kids (thankfully).  Her pets are a cat, a dog, and a snake.

Other than those few differences, our story is identical.

[kells76]

She’s constantly going to the hospital, posting it on FB, claiming she has COPD (The Doctor said she doesn’t),when a boyfriend leaves her it becomes a mental health emergency and she has to be hospitalized.  She is also Bipolar and will stop taking her meds and spiral quickly so you have to take care of everything for her including dealing with the animals she keeps getting and then ultimately discarding them because she can’t take care of them.  Her son has been in our care a few times.  Our focus now is on him and we don’t help her anymore with the messes she gets into.  But we back off only for  social services to step up and fix things for her. These episodes where she stops her meds seem deliberate since she keeps doing it when she gets into a pickle.  I probably sound cold and maybe I am now because she’s 33 and it’s like groundhog day.  Last summer she was hospitalized. Urgently 4 cats were re-homed. She has gradually collected 2 cats and 2 dogs over the last 6 months. Her we go again….

Sounds exhausting -- for everyone.

Are you FB friends with her, or do others on FB forward/share her posts with you?

I wonder if there's a way to insulate you from getting these messages.

[AcheyMom]

My BPD daughter is 25 and can't have kids (thankfully).  Her pets are a cat, a dog, and a snake.

Other than those few differences, our story is identical.

Sorry you are in a similar boat.  Does she find other enablers if you back off?  My daughter plays on peoples’ sympathy and it works every time.  She is stuck in a victim mentality and people helping her is NOT helping. It’s difficult to decide to take a hands off approach only to watch someone else step up to the plate and save the day for her.  She’s not learning to adult.  It may be because she has a child because CPS are the worst offenders.  When her son is put into someone else’s care for example, the onus is put on the caregiver to shuttle my grandson back and forth for her to have visits. Usually it’s us, this time it was his aunt. She never has to get on a bus and make an effort to see him.  He’s delivered to her door.  Social workers have helped her get subsidized housing, she wrecks the place and then they help her when the landlord takes her to court by paying the legal fees. I just find everyone treats her like she’s fragile and can’t do anything for herself.  But she can figure out how to go tanning, get lip injections, even plastic surgery last year!  It’s frustrating.

[AcheyMom]

Sounds exhausting -- for everyone.

Are you FB friends with her, or do others on FB forward/share her posts with you?

I wonder if there's a way to insulate you from getting these messages.

I am not FB friends with her.  I changed my name so she can’t find me.  She recently friended my husband so I saw some posts.  I don’t wish to see any more.  She’s posting memes about being a wonderful Mom after having her son taken into care for the 4th time due to neglect!  People on her FB don’t know that. A million glam selfies of herself clearly using filters but claiming to have done her makeup.  I see she got hair extensions and two new puppies but she’s selling her sons clothes on marketplace because she has no money.  I don’t want to know. I won’t look anymore. There is not enough attention in the world for her.

[Pook075]

I am not FB friends with her.  I changed my name so she can’t find me.  She recently friended my husband so I saw some posts.  I don’t wish to see any more.  She’s posting memes about being a wonderful Mom after having her son taken into care for the 4th time due to neglect!  People on her FB don’t know that. A million glam selfies of herself clearly using filters but claiming to have done her makeup.  I see she got hair extensions and two new puppies but she’s selling her sons clothes on marketplace because she has no money.  I don’t want to know. I won’t look anymore. There is not enough attention in the world for her.

I just completed a divorce with my BPD ex, so there's been a lot of transition the past few years.  My daughter would play us against each other while blaming both of us, then she'd use that to her advantage with family and friends as well.  But somehow through the divorce, my ex and I have become more united in working together specifically with her.

Financially, I've cut her off completely due to my own money problems, and she's finally starting to support herself and make responsible financial decisions.  My ex wife will help with medical stuff and we discuss everything else before helping.  It's forced our kid to actually grow up though and own some of her own responsibilities.

For Facebook, I'm friends with my kid but don't even look at her posts...it's usually dark humor and the occasional brag.  A lot of it is out of context but that's okay, I've accepted that she has to be herself and it's not my problem. 

I've faced similar problems with my ex, that's ultimately what led to divorce, she was in her own world of denial about how her actions destroyed our marriage.  Again, it's okay though...she's responsible for her and it's not my burden.  I'll listen and offer support, but I won't become directly involved with her decision making.