Well I’m new here

[Marilyn15]

Kind of afraid that the ex might be here but here goes. I need help. Two years ago to today I met a man, we have since got married. He has a S17 And a SD14. They split up 12 years ago. He was never married to her but took the daughter on as his own. Her bio father is in prison. He’s getting out this summer and supposedly wants to harm my husband. My husband and the ex had a very tumultuous relationship even Fist fighting. At one point he was stabbed in the hand and another time she cheated on him and I guess he was beat by a baseball bat by the other guy and his friends.The day I announced I was in a relationship my best friend realized who his ex was and told me to end the relationship that day and run. The sd14 stole some vape cartridges from my friend and soon after that she got into some marijuana at our home that my ss17 had. The ex called saying she could never come over again. At that point I was like yes this isn’t looking good for any of us. My husband started taking her places out of the house. Out to lunch, the mall, etc. when the sd did come over in the past she would not spend anytime with her father she would stay in her room, never called him after surgery, etc…to me the child doesn’t seem to have much empathy. .. when anything is questioned about her behaviors it’s parroted back that she is a child.Which at this point she is a young woman not a child. Months go by the ex gaslights and says she never said the daughter couldn’t stay. Then the daughter moves back to her moms because she can have more freedom there. She had been getting in trouble at school as well. She had been staying with a woman( her foster). The ex is used to her snapping her fingers and my husband will do what she says but that’s changed now. So the daughter kept texting my husband and her brother asking if she could stay here which I wonder why she was so desperate to stay ..when she did stay we saw her at meals. She would stay downstairs in her room or sleep all day. Anyways I text her and said to please stop asking if she could stay and I explained why. She said ok .fast forward a week. I get a text from the mom supposedly but it’s from the daughters phone saying that I do not support her relationship with her dad, I had said that I support them spending time together and I do as long as they leave me alone..this has been way too much drama for me. The text goes on and says I don’t care about the sd the ss. Said I did not know how to parent which is odd for her to say considering I have been parenting her son since he moved in. She goes on to tell me that I married into his baggage. And that I’m trying to keep my husband from them ? And also that I’m trying to keep the ss away from them. Which he is free to do as he likes. Then she goes on to say she was happy to have a stepmom but it’s so sad that this is the type she has. Yep one with boundaries. I just said good to know how you really feel about me best wishes and take care. The sd told the ss that the mom wrote the text but the sd would not take calls from my husband for a few days. Now everything has been swept under the proverbial rug and he has a lunch scheduled nothing was mentioned. My husband and the ex do not talk. I don’t know why but the last time there was a shouting match as I guess she called me a crazy b. The reason I am finally here is I suspect my ss has bpd. Today we went to the mall and it ended up in a shouting match. My step son saying that he wished that his father never met his mom. Saying that he didn’t have anything to live for. Saying that he wished he had normal loving parents and he screams and cries..he’s not speaking calmly.. To Which I’m thinking hello I’m here I care…I’m not his mom but I’m his parent figure.He has also stated he wishes he could go back in time and be a child again.he also said that he wished his parents did not talk about each other. I have never said anything about the mother to ss. I try to be healthy and conscious. I blocked the mother after when ss was hospitalized I had brought him clothes and food and she criticized my t shirt. She has told my husband many times I don’t deserve him. here I am feeding her son, cleaning house, driving him to school. I’m sure ss knows she is blocked but I do not care, I worry about ss he has no motivation to get a job. I feel like he might still be in my basement in 20 years. I have a appointment with my therapist but I’m wondering since I’m new if anyone could give me some tips on what to do here..

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Ourworld]

Hi Marilyn,

This is a very caring and supportive group, and I can hear how upset and conflicted you are, but you need to try and narrow down what you need help dealing with and make that clear.

Wishing you the best and hugs, OurWorld

[Sancho]

Hi Marilyn15
Thanks for posting. I waiting quite a while before I posted, worried that others in my world might become aware of what I was saying etc. Of course that wasn't the case, and I came to realise my 'paranoia' was a product of the bpd environment I was immersed in - an environment where you have to be careful about what you say, everything is misinterpreted and things change from one minute to the next.

In other words, the chaos of BPD!

But is was the best thing I ever did. I was just thinking the other day that I could read all the descriptions of bpd, all the criteria and diagnostic stuff and still I would never have understood what this looked like in day to day life if I hadn't come across this group.

Like the other day - I made a breezy comment to a relative (a young woman with BPD but I have had reasonable communication with for quite a while now), she made a reasonable reply then something must have happened and she raged at me full on!

I am in a particular chaos at the moment. DD was diagnosed with BPD quite a few years ago. GD is now 14 and things are very difficult, very worrying. GD is very restless, trying to find someone to connect with but can't settle anywhere. Very anxious and having difficulties at school. DD's response to all this is - well absurd is the word I would use. The extent of the BPD mental illness shows itself in her complete inability to be rational.

You are in the middle of something pretty chaotic and there are so many factors and relationships. One of the worrying ones is sd's biological dad and the possibilities there. I think that would be my first step - trying to work out how possible this threat is and what steps/plans you can have in place if/when something should occur. Of course among some groups of people this sort of talk is just that - but it is something you need to be clear in your own head about.

There are a couple of things that I have found helpful. The first is the idea of not JADE - ing. That is, not to Judge, Argue, Discuss or Explain. I have found that the more I engage - well I just become part of the chaos.

The other is those clear boundaries. Both ss and sd are at the age where things can be truly full on chaos. A paediatric psychiatrist once explained to me how to deal with things by using a diagram which consisted of a straight line (my life journey) and a line that was sometimes next to mine and then drifted off, then came back, then drifted off again.

The important thing was my straight line - keeping that going. I think it is good that sd and her dad have a way of regular contact that is personal to them and I really think it is great that you can step back - after all the involvement you have had - and be happy that they have time for their relationship to be maintained.

Re things like empathy - this is where the non JADE - ing is helpful. This lack is just part of this condition. For some people they react to that - whereas it can be something that is possibly part of the condition for this individual and therefore beyond their capability, particularly during the teen years, when it can be difficult for many.

Sorry for the rambling. You have done an amazing job in dealing with all this for so long. My only suggestions would be:
stay out of the chaos as much as is possible
try not to JADE in relation to the teenagers especially
keep your own straight line going ahead as much as you possibly can.

[Marilyn15]

Thank you