Hi ronnie316,
There's so much that's relatable in here—it sounds like you've really gotten hit by the BPD tornado, and have been doing a good job trying to make sense of something that is completely insensible. I know you've been told that this is your fault, that you broke her trust, that her boundaries will never recover, that you're abusive and making her suicidal. But, as you've hopefully read, no matter who it was, pwBPD without therapy have a serious mental disorder which particularly impacts relationships. It doesn't matter if it's you, or a new partner, being with her—you haven't described yourself being abusive, you haven't described yourself being unfaithful. No matter how perfect of a partner you are, without therapy, she will always be emotionally dysregulated in romantic relationships due to this disorder.
A couple quick questions:
1. Has your exgf been officially diagnosed with BPD? Is she in therapy?
2. You posted on the "Detaching & Learning" board—is that where you're at? Do you want to detach, and if so, what can we help you with?
3. You asked:
Is there any chance she will come back ?
If she did hypothetically come back, would it matter? Knowing what you know about BPD, would you want to take another swing at a relationship like this (this may be a hard question to answer, and it's ok to say yes, but this board is going to be best at helping you figure out how to detach and say no).
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In terms of your question:
Is there any chance she will come back ?
as you noted, pwBPD often can recycle past partners. For BPD (now increasingly being referred to as emotional dysregulation personality disorder), all her feelings of pain, of hurt, of happiness, of anger, of fear, etc are dialed to a 10. They're like burns on her skin, and each time even the littlest experience touches one of them, it's the worst pain, worst anger, worst fear she's ever felt. So while for other relationships, after a breakup feelings can fade, often times for a pwBPD those feelings persist for quite a while longer. Both the good, but also overwhelmingly the bad (total devaluation).
She may come back. She may not.
But what do you want to do regardless? How is your self-worth at this time?What have you been doing to get through each day?
(not to sound tacky) If you had a genie and it were able to grant you three wishes,
what would you ask for right now? Would you ask for her back? Would you ask for self-growth, therapy, and time to heal from the pain you clearly have gone through?
This forum is a beautiful place to be with people who understand what it's like to be in, and detach from, a relationship with a person with BPD (a serious mental disorder which, as you clearly know, particularly impacts relationships). How can we best support you?
She is going to the gym regularly, having all meals. I on the other hand now feel how she used to feel. Alone, depressed and sometimes even suicidal. Secretly I am even hoping she comes back.
Also, please use this forum as a chance to not feel alone. I have gone through similar experiences, as well as similar pains, with my dBPDexgf. So many others on this site have with their partners as well. I have felt overwhelming pain, self-devaluation, and confusion about my experiences, and there were times where I felt so alone in this world, that no one could understand what I was going through. But I wasn't alone, and you are not alone here. It's taken me a while (about a year now) and some good therapy, but I'm so proud of the place I've gotten to, and my self-worth has never been so high. What have you been doing to not feel alone in-person—have you spent time with friends? Have you been working out, or taking up hobbies?
Please let us know how you're doing—excited to hear back from you!
-TheRedLion
