How to deal with jealousy/False accusations

[autistman]

Hello, I decided to register and may start posting here, because I have not found much detail online or in literature or anywhere about how to deal with jealousy.

How do I respond to "go be with her" I get that so much because I happen to have a female friend that she thinks is pretty. And if I want to study with her, talk to her, she says "go talk to your friend" or "go study with your friend". And I could literally be on the verge of death with a cancer diagnoses and she'd tell me to "talk to her about it". These messages are usually via text or call. She will also abruptly randomly hang up and say that. Her extreme obsession with this person is unbearable and she can sense the nervousness as it is a trigger for me because it's gotten us into some bad arguments and I hate hearing that woman's name at least 10 times a week, she picks up on it, making it even worse.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[autistman]

I also have a therapist now that can help with this but I only start contact with her on Tuesday so she is unavailable to help, so I don't want to make things worse. I don't know whether to ignore her completely or not.

[once removed]

we have a good workshop here with lots of tips and tricks for dealing with a jealous partner: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=78324.0

i think more specifics will help to understand whats going on in this case.

whats the nature of your friendship with your female friend? how long have you been friends? did the friendship predate your romantic relationship? any romantic history with your friend?

what has your partner indicated the issue with her is, and when/why did it start?

[autistman]

Thank you, I will read on it.

Me and my female friend have known each other for over 4 years, and are relatively close. My partner I've only dated a few months, I like her very much and have no intention of leaving her for any woman. No history of any crushes, physical intimacy or romance of any kind though. I also usually don't talk to her in voice calls alone, but usually with other friends, mainly guys, as she is part of a bigger friend group. But I did vent stuff to her about my girlfriend because that friend acts "borderline", not towards me or any friends but towards romantic partners so I looked to her for guidance, my girlfriend found out and thought me asking her for advice was me attempting to "make her jealous" and reverse psychology her into dating me.

[autistman]

Thank you, I will read on it.

Me and my female friend have known each other for over 4 years, and are relatively close. My partner I've only dated a few months, I like her very much and have no intention of leaving her for any woman. No history of any crushes, physical intimacy or romance of any kind though. I also usually don't talk to her in voice calls alone, but usually with other friends, mainly guys, as she is part of a bigger friend group. But I did vent stuff to her about my girlfriend because that friend acts "borderline", not towards me or any friends but towards romantic partners so I looked to her for guidance, my girlfriend found out and thought me asking her for advice was me attempting to "make her jealous" and reverse psychology her into dating me. My partner dyes her hair orange, and this friend is a natural redhead. This female friend of mine for one reason or another seems to bring out viscous insecurities in her.

[once removed]

This female friend of mine for one reason or another seems to bring out viscous insecurities in her.

learning that you were venting about her to your friend can reasonably do that. good intentions aside, it can create a rift, or some discomfort. couples fight about this sort of thing often.

so i think the first thing to do is work to understand where shes coming from, and understand that its a reasonable reaction, even if shes not going about it in the most reasonable/mature way.

you may want to attack this on two fronts:

1. the first would be to listen. youll want to bring the conflict up 2 or 3 times, over a period of time, and preferably in a time of calm. ask questions. dont JADE, but seek to give your partner the space to communicate what the issue means to her, and to feel heard. then say youd like to take some time to think it over. do so. when you bring it up that second or third time, that would be a better time to say your piece, after youve listened. it might include apologizing for venting the relationship issues outside of the relationship; communicating that you get why it would bother her. it might include some reassurance about how you feel about your relationship, and your commitment to it/her. it should communicate that you want to resolve the issue, together, and to each of your satisfaction.

2. it sounds like your friendship isnt a threat to the relationship, or in the way of it. what do you think would happen if the two of them spent more time around each other?

[autistman]

She refuses to meet or talk to her and hates her guts. Added her on social media to interrogate her and act passive aggressively.

I acknowledges how she felt and then she blocked me just now. Kind of expected it.

[autistman]

She just turned her phone off nevermind. She's likely trying to gaslight me or something. I'm unphased for now

[once removed]

I acknowledges how she felt and then she blocked me just now. Kind of expected it.

what happened? what was said?

[autistman]

I pretty much said I understood how she feels and I'm here to listen and she said she doesn't care about me anyway (because I don't care about her) and I got blocked. "Devaluation" or whatever. I am talking to friends, working out, et cetera. Just focusing on myself, all I can do.

[autistman]

Not blocked*** but she turned off her phone most likely.

[autistman]

Now she's telling me she's gonna cheat on me with a cute guy she met on bumble, very classy woman.

[autistman]

It is to try and get a confession of love from me.

[once removed]

It is to try and get a confession of love from me.

it sounds like shes looking for love/reassurance, and going about it in immature ways.

it also sounds like the trick here is less about "what to do or not to do" in a particular circumstance, but that the way the two of you handle conflict is destructive.

have you had a chance to read through this 3 minute lesson on ending conflict: https://bpdfamily.com/content/ending-conflict