Sobriety Revealed BPD

[NorthStarGuide]

Would love to know your go to phrases when your loved one enters their borderline zone.

My spouse stopped drinking alcohol about a year ago and since then it has been very clear that he has the symptoms of BPD. I had attributed his symptoms to drinking but now realize that the drinking was the medication to calm the inner turmoil.

I am grieving what feels like the loss of my marriage, the loss of my person..... I'm thankful to find this community of support because to the outside world, my spouse is "normal", but to those of us who are close to him, we experience the chaos. 

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[kells76]

Hi NorthStarGuide and

You're not alone in coping with a partner with substance use issues plus BPD; that's no walk in the park. It is good to hear that he is trying sobriety?

Just to get a bit more background on your situation, how long have the two of you been together? Do you have any kids? And what catalyzed his decision to stop drinking?

In terms of your question here:

Would love to know your go to phrases when your loved one enters their borderline zone.

it might depend on what your goals are. If your goal is to protect yourself from hurtful words and actions, then in a sense, no words are required -- you're allowed to have true boundaries and exit the situation.

If he is in a place where he isn't being hurtful, and you want to connect with him, then true emotional validation may be the way to go.

Want to walk us through an example situation, and we can give you some ideas?

...

I am grieving what feels like the loss of my marriage, the loss of my person..... I'm thankful to find this community of support because to the outside world, my spouse is "normal", but to those of us who are close to him, we experience the chaos. 

I'm starting to think that is a key step in choosing to stay in a relationship with a pwBPD -- grieving what you wanted and what could have been, and moving towards acceptance that this person is who he is.

As you process so much, do you have a therapist or counselor for yourself?

Looking forward to hearing more from you;

kells76

[HimalayanMouse]

Hi,

I am in a very similar situation, my husband also quit drinking a year back, though he has recently started again. And just like you, I am realising the extent to which the issues were not being caused by the alcohol, but rather being masked by it.

I have a degree of sympathy for my husband in all this, in that he likely also expected that things would feel better and easier once he had quit, and instead his emotions became even harder to manage. So returning to alcohol feels like the answer, even though it will make him sick. In truth he needs to get to a realisation that strategies that will help him manage all the big emotions will also reduce his drive to drink, but he is not there yet.

At least, although I still hate seeing him drunk, I am now less angry about the drinking itself now I understand it is a symptom and a poor coping strategy. I used to get so cross with him when he reeled in, but now at least I know some strategies that I can validate that he is feeling overwhelmed, and maybe even suggest some better alternatives if he is not splitting on me in that moment. I am learning about letting him feel the consequences of his actions, as I also realise I have enabled his drinking somewhat by trying to cover for it. Though that is not always easy, I can't leave a pool of vomit in the sink our daughter uses for example.

So, I don't have great answers for you yet, but just wanted to comment that you are really not alone in this, I am walking the same path as you simultaneously.

All the best.

[Amina]

I've been seeing a man for 4.5 years, and have known for some time about his splitting and BPD symptoms.  He returns to abusing Xanax which makes his mood swings and symptoms worse.  He thinks it helps him sleep or perhaps he finds euphoria in it when taking a lot, but. unfortunately this is a terrible drug to abuse in general, and especially when mood swings happen from the BPD and then the withdrawal of the xanax causing mood swings and physical symptoms. 

[Amina]

Also, in my experiences I've learned it is rare to have only a very serious addiction problem.  I have known people that are wonderful, and admit their addictions and it is their primary affliction, but mostly people with long-time serious addictions that affect work, family, and friendships, are suffering from some form of a mental health issue and/or personality disorder.