3 versions of a letter - Long term NC person

[lemonademaker]

 * I am not brand new to anything concerning BPD.
Just a newer version of myself after a lot of no contact- here to add to the conversations


versions of a letter

1. Hi mom. I have thought and do think of you often. I do love you and that has not changed…Im not ready to have contact again but it has been on my mind a long time to reach out and say hello.

2. Hello mom.
I love you.
I forgive you.


Down below:  The letter  that I won’t send but what I wish I could communicate.

Hi mom,
Hello MOM!
MOM…yes hello.
I miss you. I love you.
 I often think of a relationship that doesn’t exist between us.
 One where I can be my own person and take care of my needs and you do the same and occasionally we share company. Maybe a lunch, or a holiday that starts and ends well. 
I wish that my marriage was a joy to you and not a source of competition for time and attention .

I often dream of a mom that doesn’t NEED me to SHOW how much I love her but already KNOWS

Lets see, I hurt for the missed experiences we did not share over the years. 


l often think about breaking my consistent NC to tell you I love you. And I just wish you knew it. But I can say it over and over in my head…I even can imagine you handling this  letter well and it bringing you some small joy to hear from me.


But then mom, but then.

The fact is I have reasons for not speaking to you that have not changed. It's not to keep you punished or made to feel ashamed.  It is simply the most straightforward method for me to stay safe.

And I don’t want to add to Pain by saying hello for hellos sake and then not having furthe relationship.

So I find some peace and understanding in  writing this letter I won’t send. I do have my good thoughts, my prayers that I pray for you, and my resolve to just keep things as they are.

Reason being: It will hurt us less.

Im glad you gave birth to me.

_ daughter



The  third version is true and why I never find a reason to send version one or two.


I don’t want to send anything now but I do want to share in case it helps others feel seen.

-lemonademaker

[zachira]

Going no contact with our own mother is so painful yet often the only way to protect ourselves. My mother with BPD is deceased and I am no contact or low contact with most of the members of my large extended family of disordered people. I am one of many family scapegoats across several generations.

Having a mother who is unable to love her own child is a life long sorrow. It does not matter if she is dead or alive. The sadness never goes away and needs to be expressed from time to time. I am glad you have reached out to this site though sad for the circumstances that bring you here. There are many members on this site with similar painful relationships with their mother who are either low contact or no contact with her. Post anytime as we are here to listen and support you.

[Notwendy]

For me, personally, I wouldn't send anything in writing. My BPD mother keeps things written and refers to them when they support her point of view. For something not to send- #3 expresses what this feels like- imagining the relationship we wish we could have, but isn't there.

I think a part of this is wishing to "be seen" as a distinct human being rather than the projections of our BPD parent. The person my mother thinks I am is a reflection of her own thinking and projections. I can't change how she perceives or feels. There isn't a consistent relationship because it changes with her feelings.

[Teach21]

I cried reading your third letter.  It would be so nice to just have a "mom".  I'm very, very thankful for my MIL. I am divorced but still a part of the family and included in everything. My MIL and I are very close, but it took me a long time to understand she wasn't a threat. In the last few years, I've been able to experience what having a normal mom would have been like.

[BPDstinks]

goodness, that made me choke up a bit; I have a scenario, I wonder if I can answer, how about a mom (me!) who sooo wants to have a relationship with her pwBPD (24 year old daughter) who cut ties with the majority of her family; she & I did EVERYthing together; it has been a solid year since I have seen my BPD; she is the first person I think of in the morning & the last at night; she sends me random texts but only if she needs something (sometimes she makes a personal note); I am trying so hard to be patient, but I want to call her & say....i love you, talk to me! (she told me NOT to call her or she would get a restraining order) above all...I think her distancing herself IS keeping her safe (I don't pretend to understand why) so....this is just how it must be, until...?

[Notwendy]

I think that when mental illness impacts family connections, it's a unique situation- I don't think there's an exact solution- but something that becomes a part of our existence. I think it's difficult to fathom how a mother can not love their own child, or vice versa. Even when there's abusive behavior involved, you can see that many of us still have difficulty with boundaries with our mothers even when the boundaries are necessary for our own well being. We want some kind of connection, and it may be that the pwBPD's ability to have this kind of relationship is limited.

The reverse- when a pwBPD becomes distant from a loving parent is also unthinkable.

My best explanation ( and one doesn't know exactly what someone else is thinking) from listening to my mother speak about people is that she truly sees herself as a victim. On some level, I think she is aware that her behavior may play a part in relationship issues but somehow she manages to reframe her situation to where she is a victim. This plays out most with her immediate family members but in more recent years, since she is elderly, her caregivers. The closest they are to her, the more she projects this dynamic on to them. It also is, in part, reality. Since she has been verbally abusive to some of them, they may still do their job but they don't linger, or chat with her, or pay extra attention to her, so she feels neglected and this reinforces her perspective.

To be a victim, there needs to be a perpetrator and that role is projected on to the people closest to them. I've concluded that my mother doesn't perceive my own good intentions or the person I am. Even when I do nice things for her, she perceives something I did wrong or didn't go and ascribes intent to them. If I forget to do something, apparently to her, it was on purpose. She speaks of other people that way as well.

Perhaps this is the dynamic with the reverse situation as well. Your D's perception of you may not match with the reality of who you are- but it's the closeness of your relationship that has led to this projection. Perhaps the idea that you might "reject" her leads to her doing it first. I don't know the answer to this, as we can't change how other people think but realizing it's a result of the distorted thinking helps me to not see it as personal.

I received a call from my mother recently. She called me up wanting to share her feelings with me. This is the relationship dynamic- by about adolescence, my mother would confide in me- I would listen to her feelings as an emotional caretaker. But it's not usual that my mother is emotionally vulnerable to me. She can be manipulative. This time, she sounded genuine.

I listened empathetically. She said someting confusing to me so I asked a question. To that, she shut down- said she was sorry she called and "hated herself " for "dumping her feelings". I replied- "it's OK, I can listen, I don't hate you and so you shouldn't hate yourself. It's OK and I can listen". To which she replied she thought she had something to tell me but she didn't anymore and got off the phone.

She called me to talk and I was willing to listen and then she changed her mind.

My BPD mother's communication with me is also need based- when she needs something, either emotionally or some task she wants me to do for her. That is the entire basis of our relationship and I think it's at her capacity. In a way, your D's contacting you when she needs something may be at her emotional capacity. If you were to call her to want to talk to her- that is your feelings and your D can't even manage her own feelings.

This is a hope for a reciprocal relationship which makes sense- you want this connection but it may not be possible for your D to do that. My mother is overwhelmed with her own feelings. She isn't able to manage anyone elses. If your D is texting you for things she needs- that is her communication. On your part, there's boundaries about what to say yes to, or no to. Saying no to my mother results in a reaction from her but again, this is her putting me into perpetrator position. We shouldn't be enabling being treated like a pushover but unless we hold a boundary, that's likely to happen. I think it's fine to text your D that you love her if you feel you want to. If she's asked you not to text her, do it in reply to a text. But don't include an expectation like "call me". She may see this as an imposition. My BPD mother perceives requests as impositions. Just say it without expectations.

[BPDstinks]

hi!  This might be the best advice i have ever read!  I know BPD has mentioned "fear of rejection) (that would make alot of sense, b/c as a teenager she would have ONE fried, at a time, they would be SOOO close & 6 months later said friend would just DISAPPEAR (i can think of 4 close friends) she (her word) ghosted her one friend and than reached out & apologized; well, i suppose time will just tell, but, oh my goodness i miss her

[Notwendy]

It can also be their own actions- people don't tolerate their behavior for the long run. I have seen this kind of behavior with my mother and her friends, and now, some of her caregivers. Romantic relationships tend to follow a pattern of initial "love bombing" and then devaluation. Other relationships also seem to follow this - not the romance aspect- but my mother tends to be very nice at first and think well of the other person- and then eventually devaluation or the other person decides to not be friends.

Sometimes my BPD mother will "discard" someone and start over, a sort of reinventing herself with someone new. She's an unknown to a new person. A family in her neighborhood befriended her as a surrogate "grandma" to them. It was an OK situation. She would not be a danger to the kids as she was on her best behavior with them and they didn't leave them with her- they just visited as a family. I was visiting and they invited her over and she didn't want to bring me along. This made no sense- I had met them before and we got along fine but maybe this didn't fit with the situation she had with them.

I don't know why your D has distanced herself from you but it's possible she has a new set of friends or a partner and wants her new situation to be separate from people who already know her. Eventually though, new friends become familiar ones. I hope in time your D does contact you more. It might be cyclic. My BPD mother does this- frequent contac and then none for a while.