Telling BPD Mother Truth

[Our abuse recovery guide]

Hello,

This is my first time here. Hope someone can help. I have a mother with BPD. I have been placating her for a decade pretty successfully though it is time-consuming and draining to lie so much (in order to validate her feelings etc.). I felt it was safer for me to just keep her happy and I also had a vague idea that I was being helpful to other family members by "taking a hit for the team".

But now a member of our family is moving and I knew this would trigger a nasty result for me as her primary emotional support. She laid a trap for me and I fell into it. First, she baited me by intentionally violating a few of my boundaries. I remained passive. Then she asked if I like her ... Well, I have been having some work stress lately etc. and I snapped. My entire family has collaborated to keep our true opinions from her and I just dumped the entire, cold, truth on her head. I told her she is abusive, that I know she lies, that I am not a romantic partner but a daughter, etc. I told her she isn't safe to be around, I could go on. I haven't told the truth in so long it was almost like a drug. I couldn't stop. I'm also a bit scared at how much anger this incident shows I have.

Now I am sitting here wondering if I have done something wrong. If I should apologize. She isn't speaking to me but is doing things to show she isn't speaking to me (dropping stuff off etc.) I expect there have been repurcussions from this for other family members, which I feel guilty about. I am also suspicious I am confusing guilt with just fear of when and how she will get back at me.

Is it heartless to tell a BPD person the truth? I'm so confused. My system is broken and I don't know if I want to go back. Please help.

[yeslady]

Hello,

This is my first time here. Hope someone can help. I have a mother with BPD. I have been placating her for a decade pretty successfully though it is time-consuming and draining to lie so much (in order to validate her feelings etc.). I felt it was safer for me to just keep her happy and I also had a vague idea that I was being helpful to other family members by "taking a hit for the team".

But now a member of our family is moving and I knew this would trigger a nasty result for me as her primary emotional support. She laid a trap for me and I fell into it. First, she baited me by intentionally violating a few of my boundaries. I remained passive. Then she asked if I like her ... Well, I have been having some work stress lately etc. and I snapped. My entire family has collaborated to keep our true opinions from her and I just dumped the entire, cold, truth on her head. I told her she is abusive, that I know she lies, that I am not a romantic partner but a daughter, etc. I told her she isn't safe to be around, I could go on. I haven't told the truth in so long it was almost like a drug. I couldn't stop. I'm also a bit scared at how much anger this incident shows I have.

Now I am sitting here wondering if I have done something wrong. If I should apologize. She isn't speaking to me but is doing things to show she isn't speaking to me (dropping stuff off etc.) I expect there have been repurcussions from this for other family members, which I feel guilty about. I am also suspicious I am confusing guilt with just fear of when and how she will get back at me.

Is it heartless to tell a BPD person the truth? I'm so confused. My system is broken and I don't know if I want to go back. Please help.

[Notwendy]

Hello,
Is it heartless to tell a BPD person the truth? I'm so confused. My system is broken and I don't know if I want to go back. Please help.

I understand the fear after doing this. I have a mother with BPD and the unspoken family rule is to maintain there is nothing wrong with her. So telling the truth feels wrong and scary. I am middle age and my mother is elderly and even now, I feel a sense of dread about not going along with this.

We were, in a sense, raised to act as our mothers' emotional caretakers. To do otherwise feels scary- and it makes sense that it does. "Failing" to do this resulted in our BPD mothers being angry at us and a threat to the relationship. For a child - bonding with the mother is essential.

I can also relate to feeling "baited" into reacting. One thing that helped me was to read about the Karpman triangle dynamics. It seems that the dynamics in your family are similar- walking on eggshells around BPD mother who is in victim perspective. For that to happen, there needs to be a perpretrator and a rescuer. You went into "perpetrator" role with her. With the other person moving out, your mother had some uncomfortable feelings- she needed to let them out, and so the dynamic included drama with you.

You did nothing wrong. You basically took on a role in a family pattern that works for your family. As kids, we learn to have certain behaviors in a family. As adults, we can work on changing them. Once you become aware of how your mother can do or say something that results in an emotional reaction from you, you can change how you respond. Note- this isn't about sparing her feelings or walking on eggshells and not telling her the truth- but about recognizing when you feel upset and taking some "time out" for self care rather than automatically responding.

I don't know if it's being hurtful or not to tell a BPD parent the truth. On their part, they will likely perceive it from victim perspective. On the other hand, their behaviors are hurtful too. We don't have to allow someone to treat us poorly. I would put it another way- telling my BPD mother the truth doesn't work, because she isn't accountable for her actions from victim perspective. It doesn't result in any resolution of the situation. There's no point in doing it. (and I also have tried with the result being an escalation of her behavior and doing things to get back).

Yes, the silent treatment feels scary. My BPD mother does that too. I understand confusing guilt with fear due to the possible repercussions of not going along with the "family rule".

With my BPD mother, you either go along with it or not and if not- the relationship is strained. I faced this dynamic as well. The requirement for a relationship with her is to allow her to be emotionally and verbally abusive and not say anything to her about it. I chose to distance myself emotionally from that. I am "low contact" with her. This did impact my relationship with some other family members.

I don't see a resolution that isn't somewhat uncomfortable. We can't change another person. We want a relationship with our mothers but if that relationship isn't safe for us, we have to also be protective of ourselves.

[Tangled mangled]

At Yeslady,
I’m just here to say, you did nothing wrong. I’m also a daughter of an ubpd mother who has highly narcissistic tendencies.
My mothers managed to alienate me from most family members because I to ‘rebelled’ against her: I called her a beggar begging for coins and that she was only pretending to know God. My reaction was not provoked like yours but she was trying hard to hook her nose in my family business by getting close to my ex husband.

At the time, I felt like I had trampled on my own Christian beliefs to honour my parents but 2 years later that feeling has dissipated to a point where I feel both at all towards my mother. I continue to face the repercussions but in my case , I don’t rely on any family member for support in any way- aka they need me far more than I need them. Realising the power I always had has been liberating. I don’t care anymore about my mum and what she believes. I have had dreams where I spat it all out in her face just like you did in reality- so that’s how deep the pent up anger can go.
You are an adult with rights and freedoms and you owe her nothing- considering the role you have played for decades.
The repercussions of your actions towards your mum may just be the catalyst for required change that you desperately need. It’s hard to accept but I wouldn’t go back begging for forgiveness if I were in your position, that will be granting validation to her awful behaviour.

[yeslady]

Thank you both so much for your replies. It has been 3 days of silence now and I wake up every day with what amounts to a panic attack. I keep rereading your replies. Besides my husband and siblings no one knows my situation and I never met anyone who could relate to my BPD issues before. My husband, like both of you, are encouraging me to see this recent blow-up as an opportunity for a change. I also have Christian beliefs (like Tangled mangled) in honoring your parents and didn't want to set my children a bad example. But I also agree with Notwendy that telling my BPD mom the truth is ultimately pointless and I knew that at the time. I just got overwhelmed by the abuse. Basically, my mom has patterns and I know them so well that even one particular sentence from her, I know, will mean months of suffering for me. I know that 1 sentence is just the start. So, I guess I didn't handle this in the ideal way but I also will try not to blame myself and turn the result toward good. To not go crawling back and try to accept that either way I will have to face some uncomfortable feelings. This is super scary to change these patterns. I'm scared that living like this for so long has made me "not right". I see people with their parents and everything is so loving and I feel like not-so-secret leper ... like on the inside. I also think about the way she has caused certain things to go in my life and I feel I might not be capable of making good decisions. It's difficult to trust yourself when you've spent your whole life making decisions out of fear. Sorry to put this on you. I just felt like writing it. Thank you again. You are both very compassionate people.

[Notwendy]

To not go crawling back and try to accept that either way I will have to face some uncomfortable feelings. This is super scary to change these patterns. I'm scared that living like this for so long has made me "not right". I see people with their parents and everything is so loving and I feel like not-so-secret leper ... like on the inside.

Yes, this is a familiar feeling- like this difficult relationship is due to me. I used to fear that if people knew about my mother, they would not like me. I think this is also reinforced by my mother blaming me and not taking accountability for her own behavior and others assuming she's a loving mother and so, I must be a problem child.

There was an elderly woman in our community who we used to visit. She had two daughters. We never met them and don't know if they visited or not. It was easy to assume that the daughters were selfish and not visiting their mother. I didn't assume that. I know that my mother can be wonderful and charming to others and how she acts with me when nobody else is around. However, if someone has not experienced this, they don't know that.

Other people will judge but the way I try to manage this is that I too believe there is a higher Judge and that's the only one that matters. This goes both ways. God made my mother exactly as she is and while I may not completely understand the whole picture, God does. So I try to not judge her personal morality but I still can assess her behavior. I don't need to allow anyone to be hurtful to me. I also can decide that if she acts a certain way, I don't have to behave that way.

I try to walk my own line of morals and values with her. Admittedly, it can feel like walking a tightrope and I fall over frequently. Still, I try to act with good intentions towards her and if she can't perceive that, I believe that God can see that I try.

The word is "honor" not obey, or love, or keep happy. Ideally, with a loving parent, these words all go together. When it's an emotionally abusive situation- separating them is a challenge. One way I rationalize it ( and you will need to work this out within your values) is that I honor their higher self. If I were to enable my mother to be abusive, that would not be honoring her best potential. So I have boundaries. Also, if a parent asks us to do something that isn't moral- we should not obey. If my mother asked me to rob a bank ( she didn't do that) I would not be honoring her by robbing the bank.

An example of acting in someone's best interest is refusing to give in to a toddler's request to have cookies for dinner. The toddler is likely to tantrum. But we know it's not in their best interest to only eat sweets even though we know they will be upset with us.

Enabling isn't honoring someone but we all have to work out how to manage this in our own way. I would encourage you to speak to your own clergy about how to manage "honoring a parent". 

[xBluex]

I am incredibly new to understand BDP but reading your post felt like you took the words and experiences right from my mouth. I have no idea how this discussion board works but I'd love to talk to you more if you don't mind.

[Notwendy]

Hi xBluex-

We "talk" by posting on this board. I see you started a post. People will answer. We are all learning from each other. It's interesting that- even though BPD is a spectrum and people are unique- some of our experiences are so similar. None of us are professionals and we are all learning- so this is a good place to start learning about BPD and how to manage the relationship with your mother.

[Teach21]

Thank you for your post, yeslady. I suffer the same way you do. I tell the truth, then feel guilty, and then go crawling back seeking her love because she gives me the silent treatment. I've learned a lot from this forum and how that above behavior keeps the cycle going. It's fear, obligation, and guilt. I have told my mom the truth so many times, but it doesn't matter. Nothing changes. She will never get it, and it just keeps our relationship in the same cycle. You didn't say anything wrong. Think about why you had those things to say in the first place.

My mom lives in a different country, and I just received a message from her this morning accusing me of not loving her and that I don't care if I ever see her again. (She tells me she is going to die and she won't live past this year. She's said the same thing for the last 6 years.) In February I told her I wanted to visit her this summer and tried to arrange dates with her 4 times. She self-sabotaged and ended up telling me she didn't want me to come because we don't have the relationship she wishes we had, and it's too hard on her. I have made other plans, and now she wants me to come. She also wants me to continue trying to convince my brother and sister to talk to her. They've been no contact for 14 years. I have done so many, many times but she tells me I could probably count the number of times I've tried on one hand. There are always accusations from her. What I do is never enough, and I always try to defend myself. I have learned not to defend. I will respond to her message with "It makes me sad that is what you think of me."  That's all. Nothing else. Someone on this forum recommended videos by Jerry Wise. https://www.youtube.com/@jerrywise/videos  I learned about "systems anxiety". The videos have helped me learn how to respond to her and how my responses can either perpetuate the cycle or help break it.

[Tangled mangled]

@Teach21,
You are a kind loving daughter honestly.

If my mum says this:

 My mom lives in a different country, and I just received a message from her this morning accusing me of not loving her and that I don't care if I ever see her again.

She’ll be right. I don’t love my mum and I don’t think anything will change that. Mine lives in a different country too and there’s no way I will book a flight and make plans to see her. She was very abusive to me when I was a child and she continued into my adult life. If mine sends me a message like that my response would be TRUE. Mine is blocked anyway so she doesn’t get the chance to continue the abuse.
I’ve handed it all to God and made peace with not being my mum’s scapegoat.


Take care of yourselves people, if you’re doing things for an abusive parent thinking you don’t want to regret not ‘helping’ them when they are gone, well those who have experienced this ordeal like us actually attest to feeling nothing but relief once they are gone.
My mum’s family don’t seem to live long but my dad’s side they live until they are almost 100. If I didn’t cut off from my parents that would be atleast 30 more years of abuse to go. My dad is worse than my mum: he’s a malignant narcissist with possible sociopathy- he pretends to have poor memory ( mid 70s only) when he’s called out.
Protect and set  yourself free.

[zachira]

Take care of yourself as you learn to own what feelings are yours and which feelings belong to your mother. Many members on this site including myself are a work in progress as we disentangle ourselves from feeling so guilty and so defective for not being able to meet the impossible standards and demands placed on us by our disordered family members.