New here, lost and sad

[Halcyon_days]

Hi all. I've spent the last few days reading the site and the forum and it's been comforting, to say the least.

My 15yo DD was recently diagnosed with BPD. The last few years have been honestly hellish. She's been in and out of the hospital, residential settings, partial programs, DBT classes and individual therapy - nothing has helped. Of course, she doesn't actually want anyone to help her. Everyone is stupid.

She hasn't been to school consistently in years. She's incredibly disrespectful to teachers, doctors, therapists - absolutely everyone. Over the past six months or so, I've increasingly been the target. She insults me constantly, calling me a dumb bitch or a fat ass. She's becoming more violent with me, she's attacked me physically on several occasions now. She hates my partner, even though he has been very kind to her. She breaks things in our home. Lately she has started running away and turning off her location so I can't find her.

She got upset with me the other day because I woke her up to go to school and when she left, instead of going to school she went to the police station and told them I threw her out of the house and that she no longer feels safe with me. I was shocked! I have never and would never hurt her and I would certainly never throw her out. That set off a chain of events where now she is temporarily placed with child services. She's called me a few times to scream at me, but other than that I really don't know will happen.

I'm just so tired and heartbroken. Her father hasn't been a part of her life for the last few years, so I have been dealing with this on my own. I have brought her to every specialist and begged for help. Nobody has been able to help us. And now I'm truly afraid I will lose her. She's been telling some pretty extreme stories about abuse from her dad for the last few years, and now it seems I'm going to be getting the same treatment.

I love her so much. I miss her. I want to her be happy and safe and live a good life. It all feels so hopeless now. Thank you for listening.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Sancho]

Hi Halcyon_days
I remember my dd around that age and a bit older - it is hell on earth in my opinion. In particular I remember the nights when I didn't know where she was - I was so anxious I felt like I would break!

It seems as though things have escalated in recent times and I wonder if dd is involved in any substance abuse? My dd self medicates and her symptoms are relieved - but much worse when she is withdrawing. In particular if she is woken then she can really go off her head.

You have been dealing with this for years already - and have tried to open doors. At this age it is so hard for a young person with mental health issues to comprehend how they need to commit to working with others, particularly when they are likely to be triggered at any moment by some insignificant event such as someone saying something or even looking at them.

It is so hard being the 'target of blame'. After many, many years of it I have learned to let the truly shocking words and phrases float passed me, but it still makes me wonder how my dd's brain is wired that all this can pour out of her mouth!

The other shocking aspect of this illness is that the tales told about us are so distorted and untrue. I have found this also very difficult but I know the clue is in the name of the illness - borderline. My dd floats on the border of reality and fantasy to the point of psychosis some times. I cannot recognise any of the stories she tells of our past, but if I try to correct her - well off she goes!

You are exhausted and - I know this is probably impossible - but perhaps taking some 'time out' yourself while this is happening, while dd is not home (and you don't have a say in that at this point in time I gather?). It is a bit like fixing your own oxygen mask first in the plane situation.

I wish I had some wonderful suggestion I could make that would be helpful. All I can say is that I am glad you are here. For me one of the most important things is being able to come here to a place where I know there are others that understand exactly what it is like to journey with a loved BPD child. I don't get that understanding anywhere else in my life.

I hope you can feel the support and understanding here, and I hope some of the resources will also provide you with the tools you need to cope with the very difficult illness.

Thanks for posting . . .

[js friend]

Hi Halcyon Days,

Im so glad that you are here.

Many years ago I found this site and it definitely saved my sanity through those hellish teenage years as you put it. I can totally relate to what you say about your dd, the only difference is that my udd has never been in an inpatient facility. Most of my dds behaviours were passive aggressive rather than acting out in public so most of the time it seemed to be dd's word against mine.

What I found truly helped me was to get emotional support for me. One of the programmes I found was a teen parenting group in my local community. It allowed me to meet other parents who were also going through similiar things with their own children, although many parents there didnt have it so extreme so they often couldnt really relate, but I found it to be a safe place where I could speak honestly in a confidential environment without feeling judged. At the same time I was lucky enough to found this site. Take what you can from this site HD. Keep posting, even if it only to get it off your chest. Although I cannot relate to your dd,s inpatient stuff, I can relate to many of the behaviours. Look after yourself and keep posting.

[Halcyon_days]

Thank you both. This is so hard right now. I have no communication with child services and I have no way to get her medication to her or let anyone know about her appointments. I'm so anxious all the time. She's not been going to school and skipped her therapy appointment. I'm afraid she will get more and more dysregulated. I'm trying to take care of myself but is frustrating to feel so powerless.

[Sancho]

I am shocked that you have no way of being in touch with child services! I'm really angry - so can't imagine how anxious and frustrated you are!

If I was in this position I would go straight to my local member of parliament, making sure I had clear statements about dd's medical history and the fact that BPD folk live on the edge of reality and that there is no truth to what your dd is saying.

I am so, so sorry for you in this situation. The member is where I would start. Ultimately they are the ones responsible for the department of child services. If your local member doesn't listen, find out who the minister for Child Services is and approach them.

This is untenable!

[AcheyMom]

I’m so sorry for what you are going through. I remember those years, it’s when our lives were turned upside down.  I don’t understand why you have no contact person from child services. Normally they assign the parent a worker.  As far as I know, they can’t just kidnap your child and not communicate with you!  This must feel awful! 

My daughter is 33 now with a child of her own and her mental health is so poor that CPS has had to intervene 4 times. They have bent over backwards for her each time offering her all kinds of support and insisting that my grandson have at least 2 visits per week with her until she is well enough to have him back.  I would definitely reach out to someone about this.  Your local politician at state or provincial level or a lawyer who specializes in child protection cases (some offer a free consultation).  This is not right.
Sending love and strength your way…

[kells76]

Hi Halcyon_days and first of all, 

I have no communication with child services and I have no way to get her medication to her or let anyone know about her appointments.

What has your experience been so far with trying to communicate with/to them?

...

We recently went through a CPS investigation (initiated by me about things my H's kids told us about their mom's house) here in the USA. Are you in the USA or elsewhere?

Even as the investigated party, you should still have rights (at least in the US) with regards to information about a CPS investigation. If your D15 has been placed out of your home, then it certainly seems like there should be a report, with a report number, in process.

Additionally, you should be able to call CPS on your own if you have concerns about a child being neglected. If you are concerned that your D15 is not receiving necessary medications and not attending prescheduled medical appointments, then you could call CPS and say you have a medical neglect concern. While there is no guarantee what they will do, it could be worth a try, and might create a record or paper trail.

I spent a lot of time reading our state's "DHS Child Welfare Procedure Manual". If you google "[your state] DHS Child Welfare Procedure Manual" you may be able to get some helpful info about how they proceed with investigations. The one I looked at is written for workers, not family, but it gives a behind-the-scenes look at how workers may be approaching your situation.

[Halcyon_days]

I finally managed to get in contact with her caseworker. He has tried to meet with her a few times but she was nasty and says she doesn't need any help. We are meant to have a zoom meeting to come up with a plan, but I'm not feeling confident that she's going to be willing to do anything. She's wanting to get some of her things out of the house but I've had to go see my parents in another state because of some health issues they are having and I won't be back until the 22nd. I'm not going to give her the door code to get in because I can't trust that she won't steal things or trash the house. She's been calling me to yell at me every few days and I'm making sure not to JADE but at this point I'm just not even wanting to answer. Her school is recommending placement elsewhere, they can't give her the amount of support she needs. She hasn't been to school in weeks anyway. She stopped seeing her therapist because she says she doesn't need any help. I don't think she wants to even go back, she has been demanding her birth certificate so she can get a job. I'm in the US, but I'm really at a loss for what, if anything, I can even do for her.

[Sancho]

I'm glad you have been able to make contact with the caseworker. It also means that this person will understand how difficult it is to relate/communicate with your dd ie the other side to the story your dd tells.

Also good you are away.

I am struggling atm with gd. My dd has diagnosed bpd and I can see some signs of BPD in gd - but differences of course. But gd filled out forms for ADHD etc and came up with strong signs of ODD - Oppositional Defiance Disorder. I am wondering if your dd also has this condition because whereas BPD seems to have the blaming thing strongly, ODD just defies anyone in relation to everything. What you describe - teachers etc - anyone in any authority position - are ********* and they can ******.

My gd is around the same age as your dd and these ODD were terrible for a year or so. Improved now but still there. I can't get gd to see a doctor or anyone - talking triggers anger - but I have some natural remedies that I use.

It's such a long, lonely journey . . .

Thinking of you

[Halcyon_days]

It's been a few weeks (a month? More?) since I updated here last. A few things have happened...

My daughter and I have been in mostly pleasant/positive contact. We had our initial hearing with the county services and they have adjudicated her as ungovernable. She's been successfully attending summer school and has restarted seeing her therapist. She got tossed from her group home for bad behavior and placed with a foster parent. That was good for a while, but got tossed from there for refusing to follow any rules. Everything is still everyone else's fault, she doesn't see any responsibility for these situations. She's currently back on group home.

Her caseworker is good and cannot believe that my daughter has willingly put herself into this situation. My DD is inexplicably under the impression that if she stays in care until she is 16, the county will give her an apartment of her own. This is not true, not a thing that could ever happen, not in a million years. They just don't do that. I let her know that this is just not a thing and she got angry and me and insulted me. I told her that I wasn't going to be insulted and I ended the conversation. She then said she wouldn't care if she didn't talk to me for three weeks, so I told her ok, I would speak to her in three weeks. Later on that night she wrote back that she was sorry. I told her that I accept her apology.

I got to thinking and I'm just so tired of being insulted and spoken to so incredibly cruelly and disrespectfully. I do not speak to her this way, and nobody in my life talks to me like this. She asked to come over and I told her no, that while I accepted her apology, my feelings are hurt and I could see her next week but I needed some time. That got me a litany of insults, so I just  ended the conversation and left it there.

I don't know what will happen.

[greeneyes33]

I'm also new, have a same-age daughter. She makes similar comments, and the police have said they might call her "ungovernable". So far it's been avoided because she moved in with her dad and stepmother, who said she just needed a lot of love. Everything was great until she snuck out of the house, left a window open, started smoking weed in their home, and her stepmother got angry (as she should!).

My daughter should be failing out of school due to her grades, but the district cannot fail children, so she's going on to the next grade. She was rejected from the local trade high school due to her grades, which is really bad for her. She now says she's going to be a realtor and will be a millionaire when she's 23, and we will all be apologizing to her then. I feel like I'm going crazy. She does have "flying monkeys" who say she's amazing and that I'm lying. She has an intake appt for an outpatient drug treatment program.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Halcyon_days]

Ugh, I'm sorry to hear all this. My daughter also failed all of her classes this past last in school and had to go to summer school (which she actually did). She was adjudicated as ungovernable by the city didn't here. She got arrested a few days ago for committing a smash and grab robbery at a clothing store with her dirtbag friends. I am just so disgusted right now.