Please help- Divorce process initiated but its really hard

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

So far uBPD has refused mediation with one attorney, when I was trying to be amicable, insisted on two attorneys.

So I got an attorney got him to book Mediation, gave her over a month notice, refused that.

Wont get an attorney on retainer, I sent her cash.

So I have had to file, she is avoiding service. Is angry with me and said why didn't I arrange a time for service after "all she has done for me". I asked her for a time then, she just complained how I didn't do that at first, and didn't give me a time.

While saying she is not being obstructive she wants to get on with it!!!!

Now is insisting I move out, even though my attorney says don't. 

Is accusing me of drinking and taking drugs while looking after the children, stayed out the other night when she said she would be home. I ask her next morning via text to tell me if plans change so i can answer the kids. Then accuses me of using the children to emotionally manipulate her...

Is making up lies to friends, which I can easily prove as lies. I think the couples therapist nailed it. She is in psychosis and is extremely toxic.

I am really worried. I am trying to get this done swiftly, while she gas lights me she wants to too. But does nothing. I can't even get the papers to her and just so badly want to move out.

Please help, my heart rate is high, I feel sick. This is traumatizing me even more! She keeps saying she will mediate and doesn't want a long fight, but can I believe her. Should I go straight for temp orders?

[CravingPeace]

So far uBPD has refused mediation with one attorney, when I was trying to be amicable, insisted on two attorneys.

So I got an attorney got him to book Mediation, gave her over a month notice, refused that.

Wont get an attorney on retainer, I sent her cash.

So I have had to file, she is avoiding service. Is angry with me and said why didn't I arrange a time for service after "all she has done for me". I asked her for a time then, she just complained how I didn't do that at first, and didn't give me a time.

While saying she is not being obstructive she wants to get on with it!!!!

Now is insisting I move out, even though my attorney says don't. 

Is accusing me of drinking and taking drugs while looking after the children, stayed out the other night when she said she would be home. I ask her next morning via text to tell me if plans change so i can answer the kids. Then accuses me of using the children to emotionally manipulate her...

Is making up lies to friends, which I can easily prove as lies. I think the couples therapist nailed it. She is in psychosis and is extremely toxic.

I am really worried. I am trying to get this done swiftly, while she gas lights me she wants to too. But does nothing. I can't even get the papers to her and just so badly want to move out.

Please help, my heart rate is high, I feel sick. This is traumatizing me even more! She keeps saying she will mediate and doesn't want a long fight, but can I believe her. Should I go straight for temp orders?

[livednlearned]

It doesn't sound like she's able to function in a reasonable way. Her words don't mean what they say.

I mean, you mention psychosis.

That's not a very stable mindset for making consequential decisions much less follow through.

Maybe it's time to focus on what parts you have (real) control over, which is what you do? Versus what she says she will do (or not).

[ForeverDad]

It is nice that you've attempted mediation, too bad she's resisting by adding conditions and complaints.  Not at all surprising.  Don't be overly concerned, court will handle what is necessary.  Most courts order mediation attempts soon after the initial temp order is issued.  Yes, I wrote "attempts".  For most here mediation failed, our ex-spouses were just too entitled and blaming so early in the divorce process.

So don't feel it is your responsibility to cave to her entitledness just to make mediation quickly succeed.  If you do succeed so soon then you might have to ask yourself whether you have Gifted Away too much of your parenting rights.  Don't fret, if mediation fails, it fails, you just go back to court for the next steps.

A bit of warning here... Court does not care how "Nice" or how "Fair" or how "Willing you are to Gift Away your parenting to accommodate her dictates".  As long as you aren't Nasty or do something wrong, then that's enough.  Courts don't award brownie points.  Focus on your needs and especially your children's needs... your kids need you in their lives.  While it may seem at times they favor women by default, court's main goal is to referee you both through the unwinding marriage process.

A question... What is your sense about your ex's goals, confused as she may be?  How involved is she in parenting chores?  Does she treat the kids as extensions of herself or is she more focused on adult relationships?

Your first appearance in family or domestic court... The temp order hearing is crucially important.  Yes, often it is a remarkably brief hearing to rubber stamp that mother gets the temp custody and majority parenting during the divorce process and father is stuck with the bills and alternate weekends.  (Yes, I was there and suffered that.)  But you and your lawyer don't have to sit quietly and not stand up for your parenting.  If you know that you would do better as temp custodial parent with as much time as possible, you'll have to be prepared to present (in the brief time allotted for the hearing) WHY your kids need you as a reasonably normal father to continue very involved in their lives.

These days courts in many states are more inclined to start with 50/50 time for the parents but perhaps not if you don't advocate for it.  Can you name - have you met and interfaced with - the professionals in the kids' lives such as pediatricians, daycare, preschool or elementary school teachers?  Do you have documentation (or at least specifics) of recent (within past 6 months) poor parenting examples of your ex-spouse as basis to seek as much parenting as possible for you?

[CravingPeace]

Thanks livednlearned on it!
FD:

It is nice that you've attempted mediation, too bad she's resisting by adding conditions and complaints.  Not at all surprising.  Don't be overly concerned, court will handle what is necessary.  Most courts order mediation attempts soon after the initial temp order is issued.  Yes, I wrote "attempts".  For most here mediation failed, our ex-spouses were just too entitled and blaming so early in the divorce process.

So don't feel it is your responsibility to cave to her entitledness just to make mediation quickly succeed.  If you do succeed so soon then you might have to ask yourself whether you have Gifted Away too much of your parenting rights.  Don't fret, if mediation fails, it fails, you just go back to court for the next steps.

A bit of warning here... Court does not care how "Nice" or how "Fair" or how "Willing you are to Gift Away your parenting to accommodate her dictates".  As long as you aren't Nasty or do something wrong, then that's enough.  Courts don't award brownie points.  Focus on your needs and especially your children's needs... your kids need you in their lives.  While it may seem at times they favor women by default, court's main goal is to referee you both through the unwinding marriage process.

A question... What is your sense about your ex's goals, confused as she may be?  How involved is she in parenting chores?  Does she treat the kids as extensions of herself or is she more focused on adult relationships?

This is the million dollar question, what she says and how she acts are exactly polar opposite, or it changes very quickly.
Originally she said she thought it was better the kids only saw me every other weekend as that was better for them. Recently since she has seen an attorney, and before recent escalation she was talking with me about 50:50 schedules, but was very non committal. So I think her attorney may have said to expect that.

I would say she is much more focused on the children than adult relationships. Adult relationships with her are generally short lived. Usually she starts complaining then ghosts them, after they were the best thing ever.
I think she likes having a captive audience, so she can be super mum. So she is very involved. However she gets emotional and screams and swears at them when she gets frustrated. So I would say intermittently abusive. I have not recorded this though. By the time I get a phone out it would be too late as it usually comes from nowhere. The youngest is very focused on mom. The oldest is starting to get frustrated with her I can see it. My usual reaction is to get them out of there when she starts screaming, and tell them Mom gets emotional. I just don't want to live there and be seen as an enabler in the future.

Your first appearance in family or domestic court... The temp order hearing is crucially important.  Yes, often it is a remarkably brief hearing to rubber stamp that mother gets the temp custody and majority parenting during the divorce process and father is stuck with the bills and alternate weekends.  (Yes, I was there and suffered that.)  But you and your lawyer don't have to sit quietly and not stand up for your parenting.  If you know that you would do better as temp custodial parent with as much time as possible, you'll have to be prepared to present (in the brief time allotted for the hearing) WHY your kids need you as a reasonably normal father to continue very involved in their lives.



These days courts in many states are more inclined to start with 50/50 time for the parents but perhaps not if you don't advocate for it.  Can you name - have you met and interfaced with - the professionals in the kids' lives such as pediatricians, daycare, preschool or elementary school teachers? 

Yes I have been to most of these appointments, I also help coach their sports teams, take them to kids parties etc etc, take them to the ER when hurt etc. I mean she does too. But it's very 50:50. We just don't go together! I will move to a house 1 mile away to make it easy for them. 10 minutes drive to school. I have found a place with their own bedrooms etc etc.

Do you have documentation (or at least specifics) of recent (within past 6 months) poor parenting examples of your ex-spouse as basis to seek as much parenting as possible for you?

Yes but it would be very he said she said. No video or audio evidence

[ForeverDad]

Yes but it would be very he said she said. No video or audio evidence.

Vague claims such as "he always..." or "she always..." is considered hearsay and then typically ignored.  But if you have specific incidents with details then that may be sufficiently credible for the court to ponder.

But let's assume you do get 50:50 schedule.  These days courts encourage frequent exchanges.  (I wanted alternate weeks and hence fewer exchanges since my ex caused most of her antics at exchanges.  My lawyer glared at me and asked, "Do you want the court to believe your kids are better off with your ex for long periods?  Follow the Custody Evaluator's recommended 2-2-3 schedule.")

So we followed the 2-2-3 (2-2-5) schedule:
Mon-Tue overnights with one parent, Wed-Thu overnights with the other parent and then Fri-Sat-Sun weekend overnights alternated between the parents.  In that way the kids are never without you for more than 5 days at a time, well, except for assorted holidays and vacations.

Is your youngest still nursing?  Your ex may exclaim, "My baby can't leave me since I'm breastfeeding!"  Though emotionally gripping, that ought not be an issue.  In that case your ex could express her milk and pass it along at exchanges, just like millions of other mothers do who are divorced or working away from home.

Ah, but what about temp custody, stating who makes the major decisions?  Court may want it simple, not expecting bickering couples to agree on sharing custody.  If that issue arises, could you two split the different custody aspects?  Two aspects that we've found important are education (schooling) and mental health decisions.  In my case, our son started play therapy when he was still 3 years old, it continued for 8 years until he proudly 'graduated'.

Also, are there going to be moving restrictions in the temp order so ex doesn't move too far away without your and the court's approval?  (You cannot restrict your ex from moving away, she is an adult after all and you can't live her life one divorced, but on the other hand you can require that her exit doesn't reduce your parenting time.)

[Gerda]

Speaking as someone with a mom who probably has BPD and a dad who just kind of stood back and let her do all the parenting, try to get 50/50 parenting time! You'll have to talk to your lawyer about what are the best strategies to do that, but what's best for your kids needs to be your focus.

When you said she's focused on the children, that was actually a  for me. That's how they are when the kids are little, but soon the kids learn they have to start emotionally caretaking Mom, walking on eggshells to avoid upsetting Mom, blaming themselves for Mom's behavior, etc. That's not a good way for kids to grow up.

Good luck!

[livednlearned]

Might be worth picking up a copy of Bill Eddy's book Raising Resilient Children. He teaches how to model flexible thinking, managed emotions, and moderate behaviors to kids when one parent has a PD.

Many of the families that end up here are special needs in the sense we need explicit instruction on how to model healthy relationships. For whatever reason, we didn't get the base layer, that essential foundation.

Navigating what it means when people say one thing and does another (or does nothing) --this is actually a learned skill for many of us.

I was explicit about the lessons with my son. I didn't describe those behaviors in terms of his dad but when a teachable moment came up in his friend group, or when we saw it in tv shoes, I tried to make a point about what was going on. The key is that you actually know what's going on.

You now have evidence that she has no follow-through. What if you were to set a time limit?

"Let's get this worked out by day/date. If we can't do that, I will __________."

Few of us got anything done swiftly -- that is not a word I would use to describe high-conflict divorces. One of the main tactics used by a high-conflict person in family law court is stonewalling. You are seeing that behavior now and it will likely be a mainstay. 

[CravingPeace]

Thanks all so much for the advice. The youngest is bottle fed, and will be on cows milk in the next couple months so not so worried. I picked up raising resilient children, and Splitting. Feeling pretty sad today she wrote me a card for our wedding anniversary even though I had filed. said "With Sadness, Sorry for any and all things I have done that have contributed to us ending up here. I hope you find your true happiness". Made me feel very sad about how this is all coming to an end, and something I desperately never wanted. I wanted to have a happy stable family. I never set out to break a family apart. (I feel that way as it's me filing) Its tough as when she is regulated all is fine/ok, but it's a bit of a mirage as the explosions, gaslighting and lies I just can't do anymore. Recently she has been telling close friends that I quit couples therapy after one session. The opposite of what happened. She must know that is a complete lie!

I just feel so sad she is that messed up.

[CravingPeace]

So currently still struggling to get mediation booked  my Attorney says they are stalling (my wife just wants me there so she can hate me, as a reminder I filed!) and meanwhile I cant move out without a parenting plan else I risk it looking like I abandoned the kids.

My attorney reached out to hers. Her attorney said she will only accept a certain statue. It isnt the minimum custody but its me having the kids every other weekend for 3 nights , and one night every week mid week. So 5 nights in 14...

With my work schedule as much as it pains me that might work as one child is less than 1. But I would be absolutely good with 50% once they are all school age.

But if I agree to this now what happens when the youngest is school age? Will it be hard to change me up to 50%.

Realistically I would struggle with a less than 1 year old with work right now but I dont want to do something that will screw me for ever.

My wife currentky doesnt work .

Any advice welcome. My main concern is how hard is it to change to 50 50 if i take less now while the youngest is not at school

 

[CravingPeace]

Sorry typing on phone. To clarify when i say screw me I am obv talking about me and the kids. They need me. Althoigh mum can be great fun, the emotional issues i worry about.
 

[ForeverDad]

People with BPD traits (pwBPD) typically are very entitled at the start of a divorce.  That's why usually mediation fails, they're too entitled.  And if you had given in just to get mediation to succeed, then you almost certainly Gifted Away too much.

My typical comment is that you should do all you can to ensure you get the best ( = least bad) temp order possible because it is quite difficult - though not impossible - to recover from a lousy temp order.

It is not that you can't care for a toddler.  If you have to go off to work, you can use daycare for the kids.  That's a good way for little kids to socialize with other kids guided by trained and impartial adults caregivers.  Or a trusted relative, though be forewarned any helpful relatives will also get blacklisted by your ex.  I used a daycare for years that was a mere walk away from son's elementary school.  He aged out of daycare when he started middle school, around 12 years of age.

Don't rush too quickly to decide.  The goal is to think outside the box, don't let your ex limit your options.  The peer support from others here will share what worked with them and you can pick and choose whatever fits your situation.

[GaGrl]

You do not have to be in the same room as your eggs during mediation. You can request separate rooms, with the mediator going back and forth.

[livednlearned]

My main concern is how hard is it to change to 50 50 if i take less now while the youngest is not at school

What is your L saying about this for your area?

There are step-up plans you can work towards. It isn't uncommon for parents of young kids to bake this into their agreement.

It is very challenging to change anything through courts in my experience. Typically a court will require evidence of substantive change. Where I got my divorce, the "temp" custody order put in place became permanent based on the logic that it had become status quo and appeared to have worked temporarily for us so why not permanently. They don't really tell you that but it's a way for the courts to move people forward because obviously we were able to come to some sort of agreement so why should that change. Agreeing to something under pressure is what many of us did for most of the marriage and it's not a winning strategy when you're transitioning to a new kind of family arrangement.

It doesn't seem likely that your ex will agree to something reasonable so you may reach an impasse. What is the best-case scenario, the one you think would be amazing? What is the worst-case scenario? What's the one you can live with? Keep the last one to yourself and hold it in your back pocket until the last moment. Push for the best-case for as long as possible.

[ForeverDad]

Why do most of us have failed mediation?  Because the ex, having acting-out disordered traits, is usually too entitled and demanding at the beginning of the case.  They've had many years demanding and you acquiescing for then to expect actual negotiation with give & take.

Why do many of us reach some sort of settlement later in the case, typically just before a major hearing or trial?  Partly because court plods along expecting parents to figure it out.  With a couple months between each step or court appearance during a divorce, there's incentive to halt the legal expense bleed.  Additionally, there will be a hearing that may really seep through the entitlement and the ex face reality.

In my case - which may not be yours - my divorce took about two years o get to the final decree.  My ex had a favorable temp order so she actually enjoyed slow walking each hearing, even seeking a few continuances to stretch out the process even more.  But... when we got to the end she settled... I only found out when I arrived "at the court house steps" on Trial Day.

That's why we don't mind whether mediation succeeds or fails, the ex usually is too entitled or dictatorial or manipulative at such an early stage.

In practice, all the kids usually follow the same schedule.  Having different schedules for different age groups (such as school age and pre-school age) may be impractical.  Also, if you let her parent more for the youngest it would allow her more time to single out her poor perceptions on that child.

Does she work?  Once divorced she should find income for herself if not already working.  Maybe you would face some short term alimony but these days that's aimed to help her to transition to post-marriage life, which means starting work or returning to work.  For a 12 year marriage alimony, if any, would be for no more than half that length and usually less.

I mentioned supplementing with daycare or other child care resources for your parenting time.  Investigate using that local support.

[CravingPeace]

Thanks all so much for the advice . I hear you all loud and clear .

I am going to go for temp orders and get the best deal possible.

If I don't go tenp orders I think she will just not be fair in mediation. I need to push for the best tenp orders possible if at minimum to get her to the mediation table.

My attorney says they are up to something with all the stalling . They asked for more time to respond to my petition. My attorney said yes without asking me! I have briefed him you are sending her signals she can do ehat she wants and not respect legal process.

My concern right now is she keeps wanting to take the kids away for multi day breaks. I am thinking maybe she is trying to set some kond of status quo that i dont see them that much?

Presently

[livednlearned]

Stalling and stonewalling is probably the most common tactic for a high-conflict divorce.

It's good you told your L not to make decisions without checking with you first, especially when it comes to extensions and whatnot.

The multi-day trips -- I would want some kind of like-for-like language. I can't remember how it was phrased but my custody order had language to that effect. If my ex was x minutes late, I could shift drop off time by that amount of time, for example.

[CravingPeace]

Got the response to my divorce petition today where I cited irreconcilable differences and asked for 50:50.

She responded:
-I have physically and emotionally abused her
-I have physically and emotionally abused the children
-She should get sole legal and physical custody
-I should get every other weekend minimum custody
-I have had extra marital affairs
-I have treated her cruelly

So straight of the BPD play book. I am still in shock. Every single thing is a lie. Is it not perjury to file this with a court?

That is just the child stuff, the financial stuff is unreal aswell.

I feel so sad.

[kells76]

People can write whatever they want in the "complaint" or "response" (or whatever document that kicks off the process). Nobody in the court system knows yet if any or none of it is true. She could write that you should be banished to live on the moon because you pulled her teeth out while she was asleep, and that you should pay her one million dollars a week in child support. Nobody in the legal system is going to do anything about what she says at this point.

My H's kids' mom wrote that H was a sexual harasser and had cheated on his taxes, among other things. It can be shocking, even if you know disorder is in play, to see what a dysregulated pwBPD will write when given carte blanche to do so.

Run it by your L if you are concerned. Strategically, you can talk with your L if deposition could help you, especially deposing her about the content of her complaint, but go with what your L says.

Ultimately, don't get sidetracked by the content. This is not where the battle is fought. Focus on how her documented behaviors negatively impact the children.

None of this is easy, and it hurts. It makes sense you're feeling sad right now 

[ForeverDad]

Sadly, the system allows people to lie with near impunity.  And right now, possibly permanently, she views you as Mr Evil Personified.  That's not an uncommon experience reported around here in BPD-world peer support.  Par for the course, though in advance we can't predict precisely how extreme the allegations will be.

I faced many false allegations my ex made upon separation, though she had made not one allegation before the marriage imploded.  She sought negative advocates with divorce court, CPS, sheriff's office, local children's hospital, etc.  Complaints were filled with lies or exaggerations yet all were either closed or ruled "unsubstantiated".  It's rare to get "unfounded", a less passive conclusion.

I do recall one time, a couple years after my divorce when I had filed for Change of Circumstances that during her testimony our magistrate folded his arms and laid down his head for a few moments.  That might have been when my ex tried to explain why she had blocked my planned vacation, claiming she wanted son with her so they could observe Jewish Kwanzaa.  Yes, she confused Kwanzaa with Hanukkah, both on our lengthy holiday list but neither celebrated before.  My lawyer had  a field day with that.

The decision remarked that some of her testimony was "not credible".  That's subdued court-speak for Liar.

Court won't be freaked out, though perhaps some allegations involving the children might trigger a CPS interview.  You'll get your hearing, then they'll move on to the next on the docket until it's time for them to go home, just another day at the office.  Yet it's your life which is at stake and turned upside down.

Another thought... Court does not care to listen to vague "he always..." or "she always..." claims.  They're viewed as hearsay and then set aside.  Court relies on expert testimony, documentation and evidence.  For that reason, you do the same.  Your claims should describe specific incidents with dates, locations, witnesses, etc.  (That's why we recommend you preserve documents, journals, records.)  Most courts seem to limit parties to the most recent 6 months of incidents before filing, anything older may be viewed as legally stale, though patterns might include larger time span.

[CravingPeace]

Thanks so much! Attorney just said they are all false allegations we will deny. Will have no bearing on anything until court and we will still push on with the plan.

One thing attorney said is we can request medical records and Phyc evaluation. Think its worth it at this point? It's going to cost. She is on all sorts of medicine to control her mood.

[ForeverDad]

Psych Evals are a quick overview of a person.  Mine said I had "anxiety".   However, if there are children involved then the psych eval is too quick a summary to give a clear picture how well her parenting is.  That's the domain of a Custody Evaluation if custody and parenting time is contested.  That's expensive and usually take months or more.  Though her medical records may give the court an indication.  Be aware that if the court agrees to require her medical records, it may require yours too.

[CravingPeace]

Thanks I think I may skip the effort and cost of Psych eval etc. I will focus on why i am a good father and deserve 50:50 with a few points on why she isnt from facts and journals.

She has gone away for the weekend, before she went she acted fine like nothing had happened. When she has accused me of all these terrible things via the court/divorce response. If I am so terrible why leave me with the kids.

The kids told me she told them that I am the one divorcing her and causing all of this, (taking no responsability) and she doesnt want to but I am mean for doing it. They were angry with me. At first I was pissed off more alienation stuff, but I just told them i loved them and its whether they think i am mean is thr most important thing to me. They said they didnt.

I now think in her messed up reasoning she thought if she made divorce sound so awful for me I would back down. All thr allegations on me of dv, emotional abuse, affairs etc, and claiming way more than was reasonable financially wasnt just to hurt me it was to try to make me stop the process and give up.

I feel sad for her. Its not her fault she has a mental illness, but this behaviour is her fault. I wont live like this anymore.

[ForeverDad]

Thanks I think I may skip the effort and cost of Psych eval etc. I will focus on why i am a good father and deserve 50:50 with a few points on why she isnt from facts and journals.

Not that a psych eval isn't helpful, it's just that you need to recognize the limitations, it likely doesn't address parenting matters.

Also, she has already shown she wants most if not all time with the kids.  Ponder how 50:50may look to a judge looking for a quick fix.  What if the judge decides to split the difference?  Spouse wants everything and you want only 50:50, something in between is you getting alternate weekends...

Ponder asking for more than 50:50 based on the dysfunction, etc.  Even if you don't get it, maybe the judge will agree that 50:50 is fine for now, the rest to be determined later?

If I am so terrible why leave me with the kids.

Good logic to use when professionals inquire on how only now after all these years you're reported as so abusive (once you filed for divorce).

[CravingPeace]

Thanks forever Dad! I was thinking the same thing. We need to go for more than 5050. Doing deals is something I do in business. You never start with your final worse case position. I guess this is the same.

[Nekorb]

CravingPeac - my ex is NPD, not BPD, but I imagine dealing with them is the same on some levels. Buckle up and get ready for a long ride to a finalized divorce.

Some tips. 
-Communicate in writing whenever possible.
- Respond as if a judge will be reading your communications, they just might be
- discuss kids and finances only, do not engage in struggles over fault, right/wrong, etc.  It’s pointless.
- accept that she will present her revisionist history to everyone. It doesn’t matter. Don’t bother refuting.  Those that matter will ask you for clarification.  Those that don’t ask won’t care what you say anyway.
- If you can get her to mediation, ask to be in separate rooms and have the mediator go back and forth. This worked wonders for us when I finally got him to mediation (after two years of proceedings and an epic move by my attorney that left him without much choice but to finally GO to mediation!)

And lastly, SHIELDS UP. Do not engage. Recognize emotional/verbal bait early and ignore. Never put yourself in a situation where she can even remotely attempt to claim a domestic against you - she may try to intentionally bait you down that road. Fight for your kids. You’ll be glad you did in the end.

Best of luck to you.

nekorb

[CravingPeace]

Nekorb thanks so much for the response, albeit it fills me with dread I don't want a long battle.

I don't think she is just bpd she is likely npd but more covert in addition. Couples therapist told me she meets multiple diagnostic criteria.

I have noticed whenever i try and be fair, or kind, she uses it as an excuse to hurt me or to her advantage usually with a smile on her face. She is evil. She told me once she is broken not evil. I disagree.

The gloves are off. I know this will be a long fight but no more mister nice guy hoping for an amicable fast conclusion.

 There is no point trying to be overly fair or reasonable she will just abuse that. From now on she will reap what she sowed and I have no sympathy.

I will tell the truth about everything. The truth will be her undoing. I held it back for the sake of the kids to try and keep it amicable. I will still work to protect them while she continues to degrade me to them. Legal wise she will get everything she deserves.

She has alienated her family, has few friends. Is trying to tap me up for more attorney fees for her. I will be fighting that, while I have a supportive and close family whobshe did her best to alienate in my corner and willing to back me in what I now know will be a battle. A battle for my kids sanity and my sanity and our hope and our joy and our future. I am confident I and my kids will prevail. Thanks to all for thr support here. It means alot to not be alone. My friends also cant believe what she is saying about me.

[Nekorb]

My ex is a covert Narcissist. It’s truly awful to deal with them.

For your sake I hope it goes faster than my divorce did. The only reason to be nice/fair is to stay in alignment with who YOU are as a person. You want to look back and know you didn’t stoop anywhere near her levels.

My divorce has been final for 8 years now and we’ve been primarily NC for five. (Our kids were all over 18 by the time we finalized)

It’s blissful. You will be there someday.

[CravingPeace]

Oh I totally agree. I am juat not going to try to be overally accomodating, or give in to unfair demands just becuase I think she will then be more reasonable. She won't she will just enjoy it that she got one over on me.

Its funny she said all along it will be a long divorce because of me and how high conflict I am. 3 times now she has refused mediation where i was trying to come up with a fair deal without involving courts. I realise she wants the animosity, it almost gives her energy. While blame shifting to me that its my fault!

[CravingPeace]

One thing I am really worried about while living under the same roof is if she goes even further and accuses me of something that brings the police round.

Should i start wearing a body camera? Is that sufficent.

[livednlearned]

I found it helped center me to gather information. Some people might feel more anxious to do so. Your situation is hard because you're still together while going through the hardest part of divorce when emotions are more volatile -- I would be more inclined to think through all the contingencies and at least have a plan.

My experience with divorce is that being 10 steps ahead allowed me to have a slight advantage. Without that my son would've suffered more. You can't be 10 steps ahead unless you know how things work where you live.

One thing I am really worried about while living under the same roof is if she goes even further and accuses me of something that brings the police round.

Should i start wearing a body camera? Is that sufficent.

Make sure you understand the laws where you live.

Some people here were in two-party consent states and would turn cameras on themselves. These were usually men who had already been falsely accused.

Each state (county?) handles DV calls a little different and it's probably a good idea to know how things work. In some areas, law enforcement is mandated to take in both parties. Some have laws that the person making the DV call must press charges. In other states, law enforcement will run through a decision tree and arrest the most threatening person. For example, if your wife was wielding a knife it would be her. If neither of you are armed it might be you based on size.

DV charges are typically criminal so you might want to call a DV attorney for a consult just to understand how things work.

It's really tough that you have to live together while you go through this