Daughter relationship

[Lee1151]

Hi All - I am a new member who is just mentally & physically exhausted beyond belief.  My daughter is 25 years, lives on her own, and works full time.  That I am lucky for .... she's fairly high functioning.  However, its with tons of support and treatment.   I have been dealing with this issue since she was 13 years old.  In and out of psy placements / residential / self harm / two attempts/ awful boyfriends ...where I had to stay super close to keep her safe ... the list goes on.  There are times when things are good / okay... but then there are times like now.  Where she does what I call a  "hit and run / being zapped" attack on me.  It's always me.   I've been attacked three times this week alone for the most craziest things.  My husband for the longest time blamed me for triggering her, but is now starting to see it.  Which has caused lots of issues in our relationship.  I'm glad I found this group. Thank you.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[kells76]

Hi Lee1151 and

Like you mention, this is good to hear:

My daughter is 25 years, lives on her own, and works full time.  That I am lucky for .... she's fairly high functioning.

Did she do any college/university at all? Any other "typical", developmentally expected things -- graduated HS, got a drivers license, etc?

I have been dealing with this issue since she was 13 years old.  In and out of psy placements / residential / self harm / two attempts/ awful boyfriends ...where I had to stay super close to keep her safe ... the list goes on. 

Maintaining that level of support for over a decade would exhaust anyone -- no wonder you're feeling depleted 

Is she still in any kind of treatment/therapy? If so, has she taken ownership for any of it (making appts, getting herself to appts, paying the copay)?

she does what I call a  "hit and run / being zapped" attack on me.  It's always me.   I've been attacked three times this week alone for the most craziest things.  My husband for the longest time blamed me for triggering her, but is now starting to see it.  Which has caused lots of issues in our relationship.

How (that is, by what method) does she attack you? By phone? text? social media? something else?

Is there a "theme" to the attacks, like "you were abusive", or is the content pretty random?

...

When BPD is in a family system, it stresses even the relatively healthy relationships. My H's kids' mom has many BPD traits, and the drama and conflict and chaos going along with that has effected my marriage, so I understand what you're saying.

Have you and your H ever done any marriage counseling together? If not, have you done any counseling on your own?

It's OK to take care of ourselves first before trying to help other adults in the room -- therapy is a good first step.

Fill us in, whenever works best for you;

kells76

[sueisnuts]

I too have what I call a high functioning daughter.
I have finally just stepped away. This is a yo-yo relationship. She hates me - she loves me and needs me because she has no one else. She recently married and I told her husband not to propose until she got some help. She believes everyone else needs therapy not her. She is 28 and I have been dealing with this behavior for over 20 years. Her dad died when she was 6 and I remarried when she was 14- she feels abandoned and is jealous that I am in a relationship. She wants all my attention.
We are not speaking at the moment because I have decided not to engage with her anymore. Our last conversation was her screaming at me on the phone. I told her she was disrespectful and rude and would not tolerate her behavior. I think she was stunned that I stood up for myself- I usually let her go on and on- sometimes I put the phone down because she will rant and be abusive for 5 minutes. My therapist is helping me cope and communicate effectively that I love her, she is an adult and needs to deal with her mental health issues and do something to help herself.
 I have to walk away to help my own self. As painful as it is- I know our relationship is not healthy for either one of us.

My last text was "I too have a lot going on - and honestly, I am tired of taking care of everyone but myself- I am turning off my phone and not accepting calls from anyone- I am taking a break from everything and everyone"

I have not heard from her in 4 days. It's a blessing and a curse. I have location on my phone so I know she has been going to work and how to her husband.
I need to drop off some mail and will do it while she is still at work. If she wants to "ghost" me - I will have to learn to deal with not speaking with her - it is very weird because she would call or text multiple times a day- and no contact is strange. But I don't hear from her brother or my stepson daily. I need to learn to deal with the new dynamic.