I am close to getting a break from my uhwBPD.

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I have contacted an old friend who lives far away enough that I’d need to spend the nigh, if I were to visit.  I’ve visited her with a mutual friend in the past, but it was always a day trip, because I felt I needed to get back home to my husband.  Now, I’m eager to stay for at least one night, to catch up with her, as well as be free of my draining H. 

I haven’t presented the idea to him yet — I don’t have firm dates.  But when I do, I think he’ll see it as just a friendly overnight stay with an old friend, rather than an abandonment.    Because my  eagerness to visit her is almost stronger  than my desire to get away from him.  And the fear of retaliation is not as great as it has been previously.  I know if I lied and just got a hotel room, which was my original plan, he’d know something was off. He’d know I was simply wanting to get out and away from him.

This has to work.   I feel I’m opening the door to more freedom and mini breaks from him, down the road.  As long as he doesn’t feel threatened, I think I’ll be ok when I return. He might be a little angry, but I don’t believe he’ll be ENRAGED. . 

On a similar note, a few days ago I had lurch with two friends I haven’t seen in a long time.  It was wonderfully refreshing. I realized I needed MORE of it, so that’s when I came home and contacted my girlfriend, to open a conversation about my spending the night.  I am grateful that she was excited about it, and she was very supportive when I explained what was going on with my uhwBPD. 

So this is where I am — at the doorstep of freedom.   I know it’s only for one night, but it will be a GIANT step for me.

[JazzSinger]

I have contacted an old friend who lives far away enough that I’d need to spend the nigh, if I were to visit.  I’ve visited her with a mutual friend in the past, but it was always a day trip, because I felt I needed to get back home to my husband.  Now, I’m eager to stay for at least one night, to catch up with her, as well as be free of my draining H. 

I haven’t presented the idea to him yet — I don’t have firm dates.  But when I do, I think he’ll see it as just a friendly overnight stay with an old friend, rather than an abandonment.    Because my  eagerness to visit her is almost stronger  than my desire to get away from him.  And the fear of retaliation is not as great as it has been previously.  I know if I lied and just got a hotel room, which was my original plan, he’d know something was off. He’d know I was simply wanting to get out and away from him.

This has to work.   I feel I’m opening the door to more freedom and mini breaks from him, down the road.  As long as he doesn’t feel threatened, I think I’ll be ok when I return. He might be a little angry, but I don’t believe he’ll be ENRAGED. . 

On a similar note, a few days ago I had lurch with two friends I haven’t seen in a long time.  It was wonderfully refreshing. I realized I needed MORE of it, so that’s when I came home and contacted my girlfriend, to open a conversation about my spending the night.  I am grateful that she was excited about it, and she was very supportive when I explained what was going on with my uhwBPD. 

So this is where I am — at the doorstep of freedom.   I know it’s only for one night, but it will be a GIANT step for me.

[Notwendy]

Good idea- but also be prepared for if he does react to your plans. You are still making these plans based on the hope for the lesser reaction from him. It's a good step as you are also looking forward to the visit, but there's management or hope for management of your H's reaction too.

We can not control someone else's feelings. Your H may be OK with the plan or he may not be. Your task is to follow through with your plans. If he reacts- and you cancel- then you have reinforced his behavior.

He's going to be OK for a night. He's a grown man. He may not emotionally act as if he can manage on his own for a night- but he can. Keep this in mind and I hope you have a great time with your friend.

[livednlearned]

I hope it goes well so you can build on this. What do you think about mixing in some sense that you will miss him, or fuss over him, etc.? Not as a longterm plan but to ensure this one goes ok.

My n/BPDx would get in a funk when I was preparing to go somewhere. I learned to make sure I appeared neutral about leaving or even resentful. Once through work I went to a prestigious event. While packing he kept insisting our dog was not well. When I arrived at my destination I received dozens of texts about how sick our dog was which turned into I was too selfish of a person to have a pet and it wasn't his fault if our dog died while I was gone. Our dog was fine when I got home.

In retrospect I think he wanted to make the experience so miserable that I would say no to travel. Or at a minimum he couldn't figure out how to express an authentic emotion, that he missed me. Instead he had to fill me with dread and anxiety so I wouldn't abandon him like that.

With my stepdaughter, who also has BPD traits, we were told by a therapist to scaffold our way to any events she might try to sabotage. H and I going out for  dinner triggered SD27's abandonment issues. So H would remind her then shower attention on her, then increase that until it got closer to the date, always with an emphasis on when he would be home and how they could do xyz together after. It felt to me like H was bargaining for 90 min of text-free time at dinner for hours of reassurance but it for him it enabled us to have a sort of normal night out.

It's hard when resentment builds to do this but maybe it will help pave the way for more of these in the future for you.

[ForeverDad]

He's going to be OK for a night. He's a grown man. He may not emotionally act as if he can manage on his own for a night- but he can.

Yes, ponder how he survived for those decades before you married him some 20 years ago.

I hope it goes well so you can build on this. What do you think about mixing in some sense that you will miss him, or fuss over him, etc.? Not as a longterm plan but to ensure this one goes ok...

My n/BPDx would get in a funk when I was preparing to go somewhere. I learned to make sure I appeared neutral about leaving or even resentful...

In retrospect I think he wanted to make the experience so miserable that I would say no to travel. Or at a minimum he couldn't figure out how to express an authentic emotion, that he missed me. Instead he had to fill me with dread and anxiety so I wouldn't abandon him like that.

It's all about perspective.  Essentially, from his perspective he has the right to demand you never leave him for more than hours.  So he's upset and enraged if you don't appease him, let him control your life.  And that's what a bit dangerous in these situations.  If or when he overreacts, rely on local contacts and resources since we here in remote peer support do have limits in what we can do.

[JazzSinger]

Good idea- but also be prepared for if he does react to your plans. You are still making these plans based on the hope for the lesser reaction from him. It's a good step as you are also looking forward to the visit, but there's management or hope for management of your H's reaction too.


He's going to be OK for a night. He's a grown man. He may not emotionally act as if he can manage on his own for a night- but he can. Keep this in mind and I hope you have a great time with your friend.

Thanks, NotWendy.

I will keep in mind that his reaction could still be hard to handle. After all, it’s still me, trying to spend a night away from him, for whatever reason.

You’re right — He’ll live.  I plan to have a great time.

Thanks again!

[JazzSinger]

I hope it goes well so you can build on this. What do you think about mixing in some sense that you will miss him, or fuss over him, etc.? Not as a longterm plan but to ensure this one goes ok.

It's hard when resentment builds to do this but maybe it will help pave the way for more of these in the future for you.

LivednLearned, I hope I can build on this too.  I doubt I can stomach telling him I’ll miss him. LOL. But I get the point.

Thanks for sharing.