When Someone with BPD (or C-PTSD, anxiety, etc.) Begins Playing Someone Up

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I've read more than a few discussions now about how people with BPD (or C-PTSD, anxiety, etc.) run down their exes with their new partner, and how afterward, the new partner wonders if the now-ex with BPD (etc.) is doing the same to their next partner about them. That's because the person with BPD (etc.) often must feel they are not at fault in the failed relationship.

I've also read that a lot of people with BPD (etc.) also project -- that is, when they start accusing their partner of lying or cheating, it really means they're lying or cheating or thinking about doing it. That sort of thing.

That made me wonder if the converse is true. That is, if when they suddenly are talking their partner up favorably or posting a lot about them on social media or whatever in positive ways if that really means they're having problems with that partner or thinking about breaking up with them. So they project an image of success or solidarity when, in fact, things are shaky.

No, I'm not asking specifically with regard to my ex, who I have blocked as part of NC. What I'm saying is there often seems to be duplicity to the behavior of someone with BPD (etc.), intentional or not. And among that duplicity is a kind of "she doth protest too much" sort of behavior, where doing X really means Y.

Anybody ever have experience with this or can shed light?

[HoratioX]

I've read more than a few discussions now about how people with BPD (or C-PTSD, anxiety, etc.) run down their exes with their new partner, and how afterward, the new partner wonders if the now-ex with BPD (etc.) is doing the same to their next partner about them. That's because the person with BPD (etc.) often must feel they are not at fault in the failed relationship.

I've also read that a lot of people with BPD (etc.) also project -- that is, when they start accusing their partner of lying or cheating, it really means they're lying or cheating or thinking about doing it. That sort of thing.

That made me wonder if the converse is true. That is, if when they suddenly are talking their partner up favorably or posting a lot about them on social media or whatever in positive ways if that really means they're having problems with that partner or thinking about breaking up with them. So they project an image of success or solidarity when, in fact, things are shaky.

No, I'm not asking specifically with regard to my ex, who I have blocked as part of NC. What I'm saying is there often seems to be duplicity to the behavior of someone with BPD (etc.), intentional or not. And among that duplicity is a kind of "she doth protest too much" sort of behavior, where doing X really means Y.

Anybody ever have experience with this or can shed light?

[jaded7]

I've read more than a few discussions now about how people with BPD (or C-PTSD, anxiety, etc.) run down their exes with their new partner, and how afterward, the new partner wonders if the now-ex with BPD (etc.) is doing the same to their next partner about them. That's because the person with BPD (etc.) often must feel they are not at fault in the failed relationship.

I've also read that a lot of people with BPD (etc.) also project -- that is, when they start accusing their partner of lying or cheating, it really means they're lying or cheating or thinking about doing it. That sort of thing.

That made me wonder if the converse is true. That is, if when they suddenly are talking their partner up favorably or posting a lot about them on social media or whatever in positive ways if that really means they're having problems with that partner or thinking about breaking up with them. So they project an image of success or solidarity when, in fact, things are shaky.

No, I'm not asking specifically with regard to my ex, who I have blocked as part of NC. What I'm saying is there often seems to be duplicity to the behavior of someone with BPD (etc.), intentional or not. And among that duplicity is a kind of "she doth protest too much" sort of behavior, where doing X really means Y.

Anybody ever have experience with this or can shed light?

Yes, I do think they run down the old partner. My ex certainly did this. A lot. I think it has to do with being blameless and the victim complex.
I often think about what my ex says about me. It feels bad to know that she is probably telling people things about me that are not true. And there is nothing I can do about it.

Dr. Ramani has a really good recent video about projection, that really resonated with me. It's titled the narcissists game of deflection, it's a combination of several videos, but he projection part is the first or second section.

She makes sense that the accusations are confessions, of their thinking and beliefs.If you think about it, if they accuse you of thinking or believing _________, it must be something that they are ALREADY thinking about, it's part of their belief system, or behaviors. So that is on their mind, otherwise they wouldn't think of accusing you of it.

I think back to the time my ex accused me of "trying to cover my ass. I don't really want to go grocery shopping" when I called and asked her to send me her shopping list for camping she kept so I could do the grocery shopping. I absolutely did want to do the shopping for her. My whole goal was to take that off her plate and save her money, to show her that I was thinking of the things that a woman normally does...she was a staunch feminists (as was I) and complained a lot about men and the emotional labor women have to do. I wanted to show her I respect women and their work, and save her the time and money.

So why would she accuse me of trying to cover my ass?? It was not even part of my thinking. It was, however, part of her thinking. She must do things that are designed to cover her ass. She must think about covering her ass. Otherwise why would she be thinking that?

Regarding talking up the relationship on social media, I've read from therapists that that can be a sign they are insecure in the relationship, and or are trying to make other people jealous. Perhaps ex partners. Which is not a sign of a healthy secure relationship.

[seekingtheway]

When my ex left me for someone else - he started posting about her within hours of our break-up - and I think part of that was the social status of having bagged himself such a beauty - because she really was stunning. He documented almost everything they did on social media, which is not how he did things when I was with him, so it would have been easy to think it was the perfect relationship with his soulmate. But when he came back to me, and told me that she was a narcissist and he was abused, and almost the whole thing was total chaos, then obviously there was another side to what everyone was seeing. It looked like several of his posts about her were after they'd had a break-up and she'd taken him back again...

But then when he was with me - I did notice that he would do posts with what felt like hidden intentions - like he put public posts up about me that I now believe was to get back at the narcissist ex... or his ex wife... so yes, in answer to your question, I do think that sometimes what you see on the surface is very different to what is going on underneath - I think this goes for any insecure type folk, not just those with BPD.

And running down the ex partner is something that seems almost par for the course in BPD relationships, and that appears to be linked to the high level of shame that is triggered because of their own dynamics, so of course it needs to be projected out, because it's simply too painful to hold.

If you recognised that was the truth about yourself, it would stop you in your tracks and make you hide away from the world in shame... It would make it very hard to have the self belief to just swim off into another relationship... so it makes sense to me that it's twisted around so they are always the victims, so that the cycle can survive and perpetuate.

[HoratioX]

Yes, I do think they run down the old partner. My ex certainly did this. A lot. I think it has to do with being blameless and the victim complex.
I often think about what my ex says about me. It feels bad to know that she is probably telling people things about me that are not true. And there is nothing I can do about it . . . So why would she accuse me of trying to cover my ass?? It was not even part of my thinking. It was, however, part of her thinking. She must do things that are designed to cover her ass. She must think about covering her ass. Otherwise why would she be thinking that? . . . Regarding talking up the relationship on social media, I've read from therapists that that can be a sign they are insecure in the relationship, and or are trying to make other people jealous. Perhaps ex partners. Which is not a sign of a healthy secure relationship.

Very interesting. Mine was super paranoid when I went on business trips that I was hooking up with someone else. I never did. I was faithful to her while we were seeing each other. We did break up a few times, and during the break up period, when it seemed like we weren't getting back together, I did date. But I'm strictly monogamous.

While I was seeing her, I thought maybe I was giving off a vibe. Maybe it's pheromonal or a confidence thing, but women suddenly find me more attractive when I'm in a relationship. I don't act or dress any differently, but there's measurably more attention. So, I thought her insecurity might be because she picked up on this.

Now, though, I assume it was because she was cheating or planning to.

She always had multiple social media pages, too, on several platforms. Part of it might have been her forgetfulness, but I'm pretty sure it was just to compartmentalize her life and hide things from different people. Why she used her real name with each, I don't know, though there could well be others under different names. I didn't even know you could have so many under the same name and so forth.

[HoratioX]

When my ex left me for someone else - he started posting about her within hours of our break-up - and I think part of that was the social status of having bagged himself such a beauty - because she really was stunning . . .

If you recognised that was the truth about yourself, it would stop you in your tracks and make you hide away from the world in shame... It would make it very hard to have the self belief to just swim off into another relationship... so it makes sense to me that it's twisted around so they are always the victims, so that the cycle can survive and perpetuate.

That's pretty wild. Yeah, I've seen articles in my feed that talk about how couples who post a lot of pics about themselves are often insecure, as are people who post a lot of selfies. But they can also be narcissists.

In terms of people with BPD (etc.), I do sense that when they're with someone and suddenly posting a lot of positive things about them, there's trouble brewing in the background. 

After I posted my initial statement, I thought back to my ex. with BPD (etc.) and realized that when we were together, she would talk up this or that friend suddenly, proclaiming them her "best friend" or "a true friend" and similarly post pics and such on her social media (of which she always had multiple pages on multiple platforms). She had at least four best friends -- one at a time -- when I was with her on and off.

Soon after, she'd usually suddenly stop talking about them or hanging out with them, like they never existed. Then, months later, she'd suddenly be friends with them again.

My initial post had more to do with romantic partners than friends, but I'm guessing the rationale at work for suddenly posting about someone is the same or similar. Of course, she could well have been involved with them on more than a friendship level and it went south, but most of these friends were women or gay, and I never sensed any interest from them for her in that way.  Of course, I suppose that would be the effort if they were involved.