Daughter with probable BPD

[Kkmom]

My 27 year old daughter has suffered with trichotillomania, eating disorder, self harm, suicidal ideations (in younger years) and now relationship challenges. She disowned her 26 year old sister three years ago due to an argument and recently broke up with her live-in boyfriend of 6 years.

Her Child Psychologist suspected BPD when she was 17 but said we'd have to wait for a diagnosis once she became an adult. So, off she went to college where she struggled a little socially and had suicidal ideation her second year. We pulled her out of school for a year and she received counseling/meds for anxiety/depression. She did graduate with an Early Elementary Education degree but doesnt want to teach. She's been a food delivery person since college graduation but wants a career she can be proud of. However, she doesnt want to return to school or perform a trade. When we discuss possible careers, she has negative opinions about them all. "I hate people", "I dont want to touch anyone", "women in trade jobs are mistreated", etc. She just doesn't know what she wants to do with her life and seems to be unable to logically examine the possibilities.

She was raised in a very loving family and had many opportunities and experiences afforded to her throughout her childhood. We did notice she had some sensory issues when she started preschool but doctors weren't concerned. She also had difficulty with transitioning from one activity to another, often hiding under a table in preschool until the class settled down.

She has always been extremely bright and was placed in gifted and talented programs starting in Kindergarten. She had lots of social interactions...Girl Scouting, gymnastics, sports, choir groups, cheerleading, etc.

I feel that my husband and I have a loving, supportive relationship with our daughter. She would say that we support her financially but not emotionally. We are constantly walking on eggshells with her...careful not to mention other family members (cousins, Aunts, Uncles) she also disowned. She sees everything as right or wrong...black or white and is extremely sentitive to social issues. It's as if she empathizes too much, actually feeling the emotions of someone she deemed has been wronged.

My husband and I recently visited our other daughter and I made the mistake of texting our eldest that we were going. I received a barrage of insults, foul language, accusations that we dont visit her or love her, saying she hoped her sister rotted in a ditch, etc. I have not reached out to her for the few days weve been back home. I need help/guidance in the best ways to help her. I know she is hurting and that she actually believes the things she says are true.

She has been to psychologists and psychiatrists in her adult years, but doesnt take the meds because she doesnt like the way they make her feel. She stops therapy if anything negative happens with her appointments, no matter how small. She DOES want help and says shes tired of living this way.

She lives in her college town, about an hour and a half away. We want to move her in with us and help her get treatment, but she doesnt want to leave her job or her friends. I so want our family relationships to be mended, but dread the thought of her living with us again. I wish I knew where to start...

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[CC43]

Hi there,

Though the situation seems difficult, I think your daughter has a lot going for her!  She's smart, she finished her degree, and she's working right now.  She seems able to live on her own.  She has some friends right now.  She has loving parents.  I'd say, all hope isn't lost!

I get that her anger is hard to take.  My diagnosed stepdaughter acted much the same way.  She also had a crisis sophomore year.  I suspect that's typical for sensitive folks, because sophomores don't have the support (orientation, etc.) that first-year students do, friend groups are more established, and coursework starts to get harder.  Plus, there's a push to find a major, to commit to coursework that could impact the rest of one's life.  That pressure can just be too much for a sensitive person who doesn't really know who she is and what she wants.  My stepdaughter withdrew from school sophomore year after a suicide attempt and wasn't very successful at re-engaging.  She dropped or failed out a total of four separate times.  She's still trying to finish; my fingers are crossed.

I bet your daughter thinks she hates her siblings and cousins, finding some excuse to justify that hatred.  But I doubt that's her underlying issue.  I bet she's ashamed of herself (possibly for working in food delivery, or not living up to her full potential), when everyone else appears to be moving on and doing better.  She can't stand the comparison.  So she paints them black, and you as well for praising them or even mentioning them at all.  It's easier to hate them than hate herself.  She can't stand the notion that she's responsible for her plight, and she seems powerless to change it, so she deflects that as hatred of others.

If your daughter has BPD, then I suspect that her internal dialogue is very negative.  Negativity seems to be my stepdaughter's biggest obstacle.  In your daughter's case, it might emerge as negativity towards any possible occupation, even though she hasn't experienced anything yet.  She's probably negative about her prospects and how things will go, before she even tries.  She might think she has no talents, even if that isn't true.  She's probably reeling from the breakup, which is understandable.

Anyway, I'm not sure what the solution is.  I'd recommend trying to find a therapist that she trusts.  I think medications like mood stabilizers can help.  (My husband conditioned his financial support of his daughter with her not skipping therapy and following doctors' recommendations, whatever they were, including medications.)  But mainly, building your daughter's confidence can go a long way.  Having friends is a major component.  Finding a significant other can help too.  Maybe she could talk to a career counselor at her school, or alumni in her major.  Maybe there are internships that she could try.  But she has to decide that things aren't working well for her, and she needs to find the internal motivation to change.  She just can't right now, which is probably why she seems so angry all the time.  You shouldn't try to mention these options when she's angry or screaming at you, because she can't think straight when she's dysregulated.  Only when she's in a stable mood is it possible to make one suggestion at a time.

I think she has to mend herself before she can contemplate mending her relationships with siblings.  If she starts texting her siblings in a civil manner, you'll know she's in a better headspace.  It might take longer for her to be in the same room with them again.  I'm waiting for that day for my stepdaughter.  Maybe it will happen this Thanksgiving or Christmas, maybe not.  Everyone is invited, and the question is, will show up?  If she doesn't, then we celebrate with her alone another day, or maybe not at all.  It's her choice.

[Sancho]

Hi Kkmom
What you describe surely sounds like BPD. Your dd may have co-morbidities or perhaps some of these have been addressed in the past with meds and therapy.

But your recount of DD's reaction to hearing that you were visiting her sister is a core element of BPD. It is not just a jealousy thing - it's a deep experience utter abandonment if not the focus of attention. It is an intense experience and can be triggered by simple, normal everyday things that you and I would not blink an eye at.

Two really, really positive things in your post are firstly that you and your dh have good relationship with DD. The other is that DD does NOT live with you and does not want to. For many of us, the effort to get a loved child with BPD to the step of independent living is huge if not impossible. Your support and her intelligence no doubt have facilitated this.
So I would make sure I support her independent living at all costs.s
Meds have probably been helpful in the past for anxiety, depression etc. There is no specific med for BPD - it's symptom based and many of your DD's symptoms have probably benefited. DD is right that some of the side effects of some meds are really not pleasant.

I have a good example on hand here. My DD was on lots of meds after 2 hospitalisation and I could see she was like a zombie. DD self medicated with marijuana and she was much less triggered into abandonment and anger. Problem was when she had to stop!

She has been clean for many months now, but I am seeing the BPD symptoms very clearly. She is so easily triggered to intense abandonment and anger.

I can understand why food delivery could be quite a good occupation for someone with BPD. My DD is much calmer with motion. So your DD has short bouts of focused activity with motion/action and brief interaction with another person. It has calming parts and not much opportunity for triggers.

For someone with high intelligence though it would feel they are not achieving their potential.

Has your DD had DBT therapy? Learning how to deal with the emotions on a practical level could well suit someone who is intelligent and has the ability to focus/study etc.

I hope things can settle after the explosion re you seeing your other daughter. If it does, I would be inclined to research the possibility of a good DBT therapist near where DD lives.

Then comes the tricky part of getting her there and engaged. DD might respond to you suggesting that she check out this person to learn ways of managing her stress before thinking about a different work/career option . . .

Taking pressure off while seeing if DBT helps is a good way forward. Also keep in mind that lots of the literature on BPD states that for many, the symptoms are much less in the 4th decade ie the 30s. This is not the case for all of course.

[Sadnhurt]

Hi
I am back, not having been here since 2018.
I have just read through this entire thread and feel so much empathy and closeness to other parents of daughters with BPD.  Its so important to know you're not alone.

My daughter has never been diagnosed but after all of the information I've read, I'm pretty sure she has BPD, she's now 34 (I was a single-mom and she was my only child).  She's been demonstrating all the BPD symptoms since she was 19/20 years old.

Our relationship deteriorated since 2022 - we no longer communicate.  She blasted me, blaming me for things for the last time over the phone so I blocked her, I couldn't take it anymore.  I was much less anxious and stressed knowing that she couldn't call me.  I kept her blocked for 1.5 years.  Then I unblocked her and texted her asking if we could start fresh - I got no response.

She talks to my mother and when I come up in the conversation, she now refers to me by my first name, no longer "Mom".  And my mother has never reprimanded her to ask her to stop doing this.  Now it feels like she is punishing me for blocking her.

I saw a glimmer of hope below in the message that said that BPD symptoms are much less in the fourth decade, ie 30's.  However, I can't hold my breath.

I'm thankful that at least she's very smart, she works, she's resourceful, she supports herself and is really good with her money.  I do worry though what will happen when my mother is no longer around - I will have no link to my daughter, even just to ask if she's doing ok.  We are a small family (my sister has no children, my brother has 2 daughters whom she does not communicate with).  I try not to think about it.