Left pwBPD but still miss her, ugh

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hi all.  I just came across this forum today while doing what seems to be the usual learning all things BPD after exiting a toxic pwBPD relationship.  It has been amazing to me to read other people's experiences dating pwBPD and how eerily similar the experiences are.  I don't have it in me right now to type out my entire experience, but it is very similar to all the others here.  From flying high in the clouds while being idealized early on to being dragged through the mud in the final devaluation split post break up.

I broke up with her, twice, and all in it was less than a year and the second time I left I went full NC. Intellectually everything I experienced, things I have since read, etc tells me I got out early and way before years of trauma set in that I have read in the stories of others, but it still has messed with my head more than any other relationship I have ever experienced.  I know she is unhealthy for me until and if she ever gets through treatment, which seems to take years to have impact (but she did start).  And I still miss her in a way I cant even explain even though I know it was just toxic and I was in no position to help her through her healing as much as I wanted to.  The irony of BPD is the favorite person who so wants to help them becomes their biggest trigger, especially if that favorite person is a romantic partner.  It is so sad.  I feel bad when I try to imagine myself in her shoes and that she has to live with such a devastating illness and as much as I wanted to help, I couldn't.  I know how much the break up has hurt me even though I initiated it, and it kills me knowing that it probably hurt her 10 times more just due to the intensity with which she feels things and that my leaving made her intense fear of abandonment a reality.

The experience has made me look inward more than ever and I am working with a therapist who specializes in BPD partner trauma so I can unpack everything and learn how I got myself there (i.e. my own codependent behavior among other things).  I am trying to look on the bright side and hope this becomes an impactful learning experience and I move forward as a better version of me.   But I so wanted it to work, but I couldn't allow myself to continue to be subjected to the verbal/texting abuse and emotional manipulation.  It would have eventually pulled me down as well.

My friends are tired of hearing about it.  And as others have said, unless you have lived it, it is so difficult to understand just how good it was when it was good, and how bad it goes when it goes bad.  So it is nice to have found a group to empathize with. 

But I still think about her when all I want to do is forget her and move on.  Eventually I'll get there I keep telling myself.  But a little piece of me fears I may never get there.

[AlmostLostMyself]

Hi all.  I just came across this forum today while doing what seems to be the usual learning all things BPD after exiting a toxic pwBPD relationship.  It has been amazing to me to read other people's experiences dating pwBPD and how eerily similar the experiences are.  I don't have it in me right now to type out my entire experience, but it is very similar to all the others here.  From flying high in the clouds while being idealized early on to being dragged through the mud in the final devaluation split post break up.

I broke up with her, twice, and all in it was less than a year and the second time I left I went full NC. Intellectually everything I experienced, things I have since read, etc tells me I got out early and way before years of trauma set in that I have read in the stories of others, but it still has messed with my head more than any other relationship I have ever experienced.  I know she is unhealthy for me until and if she ever gets through treatment, which seems to take years to have impact (but she did start).  And I still miss her in a way I cant even explain even though I know it was just toxic and I was in no position to help her through her healing as much as I wanted to.  The irony of BPD is the favorite person who so wants to help them becomes their biggest trigger, especially if that favorite person is a romantic partner.  It is so sad.  I feel bad when I try to imagine myself in her shoes and that she has to live with such a devastating illness and as much as I wanted to help, I couldn't.  I know how much the break up has hurt me even though I initiated it, and it kills me knowing that it probably hurt her 10 times more just due to the intensity with which she feels things and that my leaving made her intense fear of abandonment a reality.

The experience has made me look inward more than ever and I am working with a therapist who specializes in BPD partner trauma so I can unpack everything and learn how I got myself there (i.e. my own codependent behavior among other things).  I am trying to look on the bright side and hope this becomes an impactful learning experience and I move forward as a better version of me.   But I so wanted it to work, but I couldn't allow myself to continue to be subjected to the verbal/texting abuse and emotional manipulation.  It would have eventually pulled me down as well.

My friends are tired of hearing about it.  And as others have said, unless you have lived it, it is so difficult to understand just how good it was when it was good, and how bad it goes when it goes bad.  So it is nice to have found a group to empathize with. 

But I still think about her when all I want to do is forget her and move on.  Eventually I'll get there I keep telling myself.  But a little piece of me fears I may never get there.

[tina7868]

Hello  ! I'm really sorry to hear about what you're going through. It's clear that your experience with a person with BPD has deeply affected you, and it's completely understandable that you're struggling with conflicting emotions even after ending the relationship.

Feel free to share your thoughts and insights here, where many of us can relate to your experiences.

But I still think about her when all I want to do is forget her and move on.  Eventually I'll get there I keep telling myself.  But a little piece of me fears I may never get there.

A big part of the healing process is redefining what `getting there` looks like. What if instead of the goal being to forget her and move on, you accepted where you are now, and focused instead on `moving forward`? In other words, you allow yourself the time and space to grieve what was an impactful experience in your life, without judgement of how you `should` feel. Take things one step at a time. You`ve got this, and you`re not alone.

[seekingtheway]

HI there,

Yes it's pretty crazy to read everyone's experiences on here isn't it, and to feel they are mirrored in your own.

It's great that you're unpacking with a professional who is experienced in partner trauma. It takes a minute to work through it all, I'm still very much in process when it comes to this. My psychologist advised me it's often a two-year process for these types of relationships... which is not how it will be for everyone obviously, but it did help me to hear that and temper my expectations of a miraculous recovery.

Taking your time, trying to hold healthy boundaries that are protective, staying compassionate to yourself, sitting with the feelings, riding the waves of anger and grief... it's all part of it.

Yes, my friends are tired of hearing about it too - but plenty of space for all of it here if you need to share more.

[HealthTeacher]

I completely get it. I just found this group and made a post of my own. You said things I felt and I didn't even think to say. I think that one of the things that makes us such a good "mark," even though BPD traits aren't intended to be malicious, is that we are so compassionate and validating... our good qualities are like a lifesaver tossed into the water for someone who feels like they are drowning with their BPD.

Don't feel guilty for loving her. You're a good person.

It is OK to love someone "from afar."

My father has antisocial personality disorder and he just about destroyed my mother. There's not much left of who she is and who she used to be, even after she left him. She had to realize that even though she loved him so much, she had to "love him from afar," but even if she lived 1000 more years, he would still be "the one" for her. Personally, I don't want to feel that way about someone who is toxic... but love is good as long as it doesn't come from a place of need. It's gotta come from a place of want. People with BPD can certainly foster a connection based on want... but then it turns into a very strange want/need.... then need/need... and don't want/need... and I want to get to a place of don't want/don't need. Objectively and consciously, I am there. I get it on paper. I get it logically... but damn... I feel like I am going through withdrawal of a very addictive substance.

[HoratioX]

It's good you're talking to a therapist, as professional counseling can go a long way in helping a person to understand and heal.

It's normal to miss someone you felt you had a strong connection to, especially in a relationship.  Here's the thing, though: With someone with a profound personality disorder, especially something like borderline personality disorder, the relationship was likely an illusion. That is, how they presented themselves was not entirely authentic and the relationship built on that presentation itself more an illusion than real.

Since they were likely mirroring you or trying to present a version they thought you would find the most attractive, the result is you would naturally fall harder for them. That means getting over a relationship with them would be correspondingly as hard and perhaps the hardest you've ever had.

We've all been there. For me, no contact combined with learning as much about the disorder as possible was the best and fastest road to getting past that relationship. When you come to understand and accept the person you were with was profoundly ill and what they offered was mostly an illusion, things make more sense. When they make more sense, they're easier to get over.

And don't blame yourself. Just as a person swindled out of money didn't choose to be, you're not at fault for trying to be honest and committed to someone who was not. But once you realize who and what they are, you should work to avoid falling into that trap again. Remember the good times, sure. But don't romanticize them. That's when you'll start missing someone who wasn't authentic or, at least, authentic all the time.

Good luck!