DD posting and emailing screenshots of private conversations

[KitKat68]

My daughter (30’s) who I’ve not been in contact with for 3+ years, there is one email address I have where she is allowed to email and I check it when I feel I can deal with it. She is high conflict and we had to block her from pretty much everything including the IT dept at my work having to block many of her email addresses from emailing me or anyone where I work. She’s persistent, verbally abusive, makes threats, etc.

Years back I used to respond to the awful emails and texts, tried to defend myself, and eventually learned I was only feeding the monster and we’ve been no contact since. Although she does still send the nasty emails a few times a year.

Fast forward to a few years later to just a couple weeks ago, I’m scrolling a very popular forum website while waiting for an appointment. Daughter and I are not connected on any form of social media yet I see a post with screenshots of texts from three years ago which look extremely familiar. I look at the top of the screenshot and it has my whole name and phone number included and her profile name is her entire real name, part of which is not a common name. Fairly easily identifiable. The post came up in my feed randomly and while I wasn’t shocked by this bad behavior the whole thing took me off guard. I reported her post and it was taken down by a moderator. The people who responded to her took the abusive portions of the texts as something I said to her when it was the other way around. She didn’t correct anyone, of course.

Over the years I have felt somewhat guilty barely ever responding to her emails. But now I know for sure anything I would send her would get posted on social media and forwarded to her flying monkeys (her in laws and a former friend of mine). She has even recorded our phone conversations and “wonders”  why I won’t speak to her saying we’ve abandoned her. I don’t have anything to hide but I don’t want conversations to be blasted everywhere.

 I can’t trust her with anything, not even the simplest of conversations. I’m not sure how to deal with this other than continue with no contact. I’m d*mned if I do, same if I don’t. She has been trashing me for years and I stopped defending myself to her ages ago. If I do she just yells at me about something else altogether, it never ends.

Is it worth it to email her and tell her why I refuse to speak with her? That is because she publicizes every conversation we have. Or just a bad idea? I think I’m tripping myself up with my own guilt and an ongoing urge to defend myself which I haven’t indulged in ages.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[kells76]

Hi KitKat68;

Is it worth it to email her and tell her why I refuse to speak with her? That is because she publicizes every conversation we have. Or just a bad idea? I think I’m tripping myself up with my own guilt and an ongoing urge to defend myself which I haven’t indulged in ages.

It's a good question. Thinking through your goal for doing that could be helpful.

What would you ideally want to happen (best-case scenario)?

What would be the worst-case outcome?

What's the most likely outcome, as you think back on past history?

Is the most likely outcome the best case scenario, worst case scenario, or something in the middle?

Getting clarity there can help you make a wise choice moving forward 

[KitKat68]

Hi KitKat68;

It's a good question. Thinking through your goal for doing that could be helpful.

What would you ideally want to happen (best-case scenario)?

What would be the worst-case outcome?

What's the most likely outcome, as you think back on past history?

Is the most likely outcome the best case scenario, worst case scenario, or something in the middle?

Getting clarity there can help you make a wise choice moving forward 

Best case, I would want her to quit doing things like posting screenshots without permission especially in a careless manner.

Worst case is the mere contact would cause her to be enraged per the usual and perhaps do something worse and more impulsive. It wouldn’t matter how diplomatic I was.

The most likely outcome is somewhere very near worst case.

Thanks for making that easy for me to clarify, it’s just frustrating to deal with. Whether I make contact or not she’s bound to elevate her behavior eventually. No contact means she just goes about it at a slower pace due to no attention. Responding to her fuels it like an inferno and it’ll mean minutes to get around to revenge instead of whenever she gets to it later on.

[Ourworld]

Hi KitKat,

If you choose to reply it is best not to say much;
when my daughter emailed me once, I simply replied, “I am sorry if I ever caused you any pain, all I ever wanted for you is peace and happiness. Love, Mom”

Always remember for yourself the 3 C’s you didn’t Cause this, you cannot Control it, and you cannot Cure it.
It is not your fault, do not feel you need to explain anything!

Take Care, OurWorld

[Sancho]

Hi Kitkat68
Posting screenshots takes things to another level I think. It's different to relating her own version of an exchange.
I think Kels76 process is a good one to work out how to move forward.

Just one other thing that goes through my mind. If you say something it seems highly likely that DD will explode,, but I wonder if telling her you have seen these things is a good thing to do in order to alert her to the fact that if she does these things to people there could be legal consequences.

I'm just thinking she may do the same to others? People don't realise how others can access what they have said/posted - and there could be consequences.

It's just a thought and might not be worth it - perhaps it is only your stuff she is posting.

[KitKat68]

Actually , she definitely might do something like post screenshots of private conversations with others (not just me) to social media sites. I am one of her main targets but there have been others in the past and I’m sure there are some now. A few people come to mind, one of which is her former SIL who she was trying to convince her husband was trying to have an affair with her. More likely it was the other way around (my daughter was seemingly obsessed with the husband long before this situation) but in any case, her SIL had to deal with screenshots posted on Instagram that seemed off even to me. Nothing came of it but I know the lady was irate at my daughter as this wasn’t the first major conflict they had.

I just loathe the idea of making contact with her at all as I’m pretty avoidant with anyone who is high conflict. Despite this, for the better part of 30 years I didn’t avoid her (like I might’ve with someone like this outside the family) and even now I’m just worn down. I am also level one autistic so high functioning but my daughter’s approach toward me, including berating me about autistic traits, is generally very abusive. One of her kids is  also autistic so she’s been angry at me for years for “passing it on” to my grandchild.

The best way to describe how I am about her now is like a target of bullying who just avoids the bully entirely as to not poke the bear. I’m not afraid of her per se but very leery of what she’ll do revenge wise for just about anything. Even simply asking her to not do something will unleash unholy h**l. At the same time I feel like she’s getting away with bad behavior, like inappropriately posting screenshots to social media, because of not being called out on it.

[Sancho]

Hi KitKat68
I think how you feel is the answer to whether you should contact.

I am wondering if it's time to stop reading emails all together. Think back to how it was when you forgot the password - did you start to feel 'free' of the responsibility to look at them, did the guilt start to lessen?

When we keep the door open just a bit we can accidentally be strengthening these feelings because we hold the option in the back of our minds. There can be good reasons for keeping the door open. My reason is that my DD would be on the streets if I didn't keep it open as a safe place for her to retreat to from bad relationships.

Perhaps at least have another year where you are free of the option of reading those emails?

[KitKat68]

Hi Sancho,

Yes, I did start to feel free of the responsibility and the guilt was there but wasn’t near the same as it’s been recently. It had been about a year since I’d seen anything from her, due to the once forgotten password, and I was doing pretty well. Usually around late spring to early summer, centered around an important day for her, she’ll make sure to send me a nasty email and this year that was about the time I stumbled on a password for something else and was quite sure it was also the email password and tried it - it worked, unfortunately. I did that to myself though and wish I hadn’t.

My DD is married and on her own so I don’t have some of the same concerns related to it being necessary to keep some line of communication open. Nothing she emails me about is ever emergency related or, alternatively, she also never sends anything positive. It’s just the same blaming me/us for everything wrong in her life, calling me a bunch of vile names, and insisting I cut her off over nothing while not taking responsibility for the awful things she actually did. If I responded it would just be more of the same and likely worse.

I did have an appointment with my therapist yesterday and between talking to her and the advice here, I’ve decided to not respond. My therapist thinks DD is a safety concern for my family and mostly me, that I need to look into the legal definition and repercussions of cyberstalking and document her online harassment. Perhaps be open to considering a restraining order since she’s harassed me at work along with social media and email after being told to stop.

So now there’s a path forward I’m comfortable with and I do feel better. Instead of feeling that near constant existential dread and guilt while questioning everything I do or don’t do about her. I just can’t lose sight of this insight like I have before. At this point I’m mostly just tripping myself up.

Thanks again.

[KitKat68]

I forgot to mention that yes, you’re right about no more reading her emails. My therapist also discussed that with me and strongly suggested I stop and I see now it’s for the best.

[Sancho]

Great!

DD is married, lives independently and they cope with their life.

You have done your job well and can move on now.

[KitKat68]

Yep, I gotta work on me now as that is the only part of this o can control.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Ourworld]

My daughter is 38, very self-sufficient, and cut me off of all communication at age 27; even though I miss the child I raised, I am thankful that she does not contact me now.

The one-time email was due to her ex giving me her current email and I sent her facts, when she wrote back blaming and telling me how messed up I was, I saw that she was messed up, and simply replied with one line of love. No more contact since, and once she’s back to her right mind, she will probably call, otherwise I really do not need to hear anything from her.

You are ABSOLUTELY doing the right thing, just pray that one day she’ll get better and will call you in her right mind.

Take Care, OurWorld

[KitKat68]

Hi OurWorld,

It’s been a long time since my daughter was on the right side of things mentally, many years. It was during a short period of time when she was on medication for depression and the meds were helping with being less argumentative and irritable. It was like talking to a completely different person and in a good way. Unfortunately she didn’t stick with the medication and things got back to the way they are now in pretty short order and have not let up since. It’s now been more than a few years since we’ve had communication that was anything other than her “yelling” at me over email. Sometimes I would respond with a pleasant sentence or two, most the time I’d just hit delete because it’s the same ol’ verbal abuse.

However, I am glad she is self-sufficient and on her own and like you describe with your daughter, there’s nothing I really need to hear from mine particularly as long as she stays stuck in this frame of mind. I don’t miss her and we’ve never had a particularly great relationship (she was much closer to her dad/my 1st husband) but as her mom  do struggle a bit with guilt after having cut her off. I didn’t make the decision lightly but sometimes I let that mom guilt get to me. My therapist reminds me that I wouldn’t have estranged from her if the situation were different. It’s getting better though, I am moving on with my own life despite this mess.

[Ourworld]

It’s a shame that mental problems became so prevalent in boomer kids, I’m not sure what happened, the only things I can think of is that our kids were all rewarded in a lot of contests instead of just thwarted winner and became entitled. But I also think that the kick-in of technology played a part, and the craziness of the next generations made things worse. My daughter was born in 1985, on the cusp of two generations (X then Y started 10 years after her birth), going into the ‘woke’ and AI mentalities and beliefs, so they really got turned around.

Most baby boomers had traumas and messed up families in our childhoods, but we didn’t end up with Personality Disorders, etc, and some might have had a time in their lives as they were making their own ways and didn’t speak or meet with our parents as much; but most would never disrespect and estrange ourselves from both parents.

The world has become scary, and we are better off not having their anger and blame thrust at us. My daughter and I were quite close until she became a teenager and I felt her pulling away and becoming a different person. I now am pretty certain it had to do with my husbands death at age 11, I asked many times and she did not seem affected, but she probably felt abandoned and her life totally changed.

Always remember the 3 C’s; you didn’t Cause it, you can’t Change it, and you certainly cannot Cure it. You did nothing wrong, it just happened and it’s really a shame.

Take Care, OurWorld