My Story - New Member

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I dated "Lisa" for two years. I was the greatest! She and her kids called me her "Prince". Shortly after we were engaged, she was fired from her job. Wouldn't tell me why (red flag). I worked almost constantly to finish off my basement providing a bedroom, bathroom and rec area for her boys. They moved into my home in July. Married on September 3rd. She left me taking her three teenage boys and her dog on December 30th. Moved into a hotel room in a nearby city. Never explained why until months later wherein she would only say: "I wasn't happy". Filed a restraining order full of outrageous lies which was laughed at and dismissed by the County Judge. Called me an abusive alcoholic (not true) ironically after bringing home 3 large bottles of booze on December 23rd about a week before she would leave me. Went out into a MN Blizzard warning snowstorm with her son dressed in tennis shoes and a light jacket (risky behavior) the night she brought home the alcohol. When I expressed my opinion that her reckless behavior was dangerous and stupid, she twisted my words and told her dad and kids that "I called her stupid in front of her kids". She recruited her son and 3 of his teenage friends to loot my home when she knew I was at work. I caught them via my home cameras and sent the Sherriff to meet me there to ensure my property wasn't stolen. It was then she stated she had "Had enough" and we were getting divorced. About a month later she called me to her hotel room where we rekindled the romance. I said I still loved her and wanted to be with her for the rest of my life. She would state nothing similar for the next year during which she would lure me back into her life then toss me away again. She was fired again from a job she really loved for testing positive for drug use. Of course she had an explanation for that too! Was fired from a third job shortly thereafter for withholding(lying) information on her application. I wasn't allowed at her place because her Dad and kids couldn't know we were seeing each other again (how would she explain all the lies told?) I helped her purchase an expensive puppy giving her $500. I bought $700 worth of fencing for her yard to keep the dogs safe.  I took her shopping for food and home supplies several times as well. Ultimately, she would accuse me of having an affair (not true) and start ghosting me once again. Soon after, she called me to meet for breakfast at "our table" at a local wine bar. Knowing that her new puppy of 5 months had hip dysplasia and would need nearly $2000 in treatment, she told me she was "broke, and it's only going to get worse".  Of course I said I would help! The next day she came to my home and said nothing about needing money. I was supposed to know what to say right? When what I stated that I was hopeful once again for a sincere relationship with her, she got up and left. Subsequently she would dump me for the last time when calling me drunk on the phone accusing me of being an "Asshole" and "a Child". I haven't spoken to her since but seriously expect a text or call any day with her appeal to once again use, belittle and abuse my self-esteem.
Please suggest a way I should deal with this. I'm at the point where I'm seeing a wonderful, sane woman with similar interests and goals so that gives me strength. In the book Stop Walking on Eggshells, it says NBPD's never change. I believe it! Thank You for the outlet to express my recent past with the woman I now affectionately call "The Monster".

[chas911]

I dated "Lisa" for two years. I was the greatest! She and her kids called me her "Prince". Shortly after we were engaged, she was fired from her job. Wouldn't tell me why (red flag). I worked almost constantly to finish off my basement providing a bedroom, bathroom and rec area for her boys. They moved into my home in July. Married on September 3rd. She left me taking her three teenage boys and her dog on December 30th. Moved into a hotel room in a nearby city. Never explained why until months later wherein she would only say: "I wasn't happy". Filed a restraining order full of outrageous lies which was laughed at and dismissed by the County Judge. Called me an abusive alcoholic (not true) ironically after bringing home 3 large bottles of booze on December 23rd about a week before she would leave me. Went out into a MN Blizzard warning snowstorm with her son dressed in tennis shoes and a light jacket (risky behavior) the night she brought home the alcohol. When I expressed my opinion that her reckless behavior was dangerous and stupid, she twisted my words and told her dad and kids that "I called her stupid in front of her kids". She recruited her son and 3 of his teenage friends to loot my home when she knew I was at work. I caught them via my home cameras and sent the Sherriff to meet me there to ensure my property wasn't stolen. It was then she stated she had "Had enough" and we were getting divorced. About a month later she called me to her hotel room where we rekindled the romance. I said I still loved her and wanted to be with her for the rest of my life. She would state nothing similar for the next year during which she would lure me back into her life then toss me away again. She was fired again from a job she really loved for testing positive for drug use. Of course she had an explanation for that too! Was fired from a third job shortly thereafter for withholding(lying) information on her application. I wasn't allowed at her place because her Dad and kids couldn't know we were seeing each other again (how would she explain all the lies told?) I helped her purchase an expensive puppy giving her $500. I bought $700 worth of fencing for her yard to keep the dogs safe.  I took her shopping for food and home supplies several times as well. Ultimately, she would accuse me of having an affair (not true) and start ghosting me once again. Soon after, she called me to meet for breakfast at "our table" at a local wine bar. Knowing that her new puppy of 5 months had hip dysplasia and would need nearly $2000 in treatment, she told me she was "broke, and it's only going to get worse".  Of course I said I would help! The next day she came to my home and said nothing about needing money. I was supposed to know what to say right? When what I stated that I was hopeful once again for a sincere relationship with her, she got up and left. Subsequently she would dump me for the last time when calling me drunk on the phone accusing me of being an "Asshole" and "a Child". I haven't spoken to her since but seriously expect a text or call any day with her appeal to once again use, belittle and abuse my self-esteem.
Please suggest a way I should deal with this. I'm at the point where I'm seeing a wonderful, sane woman with similar interests and goals so that gives me strength. In the book Stop Walking on Eggshells, it says NBPD's never change. I believe it! Thank You for the outlet to express my recent past with the woman I now affectionately call "The Monster".

[Gemsforeyes]

Hi Chas-

Welcome to our site.  I’m very sorry for the pain and confusion that brings you here, but glad you’ve found us.  You’ll find people here who really understand and relate to what you’ve been through; and who can walk through the detachment steps and healing process with you.

The important thing for you is to be patient with yourself through this process… healing is not linear.  Detachment does take time no matter how “monstrous” our ex-partners’ actions and behaviors have been - it seems our attachment to them and those promises and expressions of deep love and happiness were so sincere and heartfelt.  Right?  And then BOOM.

A little background- my experience (19 years with a NPD/BPD ex-husband), a 2.5-year break; and then a 6.5-year relationship with much more overtly abusive NPD/BPD boyfriend.  I didn’t know what I didn’t know.  Until I finally did, about 3.5 years into my second relationship. 

I did a ton a research (landed here in 2017) trying to understand what on earth was going on with my boyfriend, his RAGES, his anger, his love bombing, his cruelty, followed by kindness, his accusations, his stealing from me… and my basically forgiving him over and over and over.    He was the wind and I was the wheat.

Everything, all my focus had been on HIM.  Helping him, changing my actions for him, breathing the right way for him, tippy toeing through each day and night for him… you get the picture. And even when it finally ended in 2/2020, I STILL focused on trying to understand HIM.  For awhile… and then I stopped that and woke up.  Shining the light on him and his behaviors was NOT going to heal me.  Not at all.  I had to look at WHY on earth I allowed what I allowed.  Why I had absolutely no respect for myself.  No self-worth at all.  Why I made excuse after excuse for him.  Some painful lessons there, but necessary.

So that’s the thing, Chas.  You may want to understand why she did certain things she did (sounds like a lot of projection by her), but the more important focus needs to be on you.  Your healing.  And why you felt so compelled to accept what you accepted.  I found it wasn’t “enough” for me to know I’m a giving and kind-hearted woman.  This goes beyond that.  It’s obvious you’re a giving and kind-hearted man.  You’ve got to look deeper.

Another point, from your relationship status, it says you’re divorced.  Is that correct?  If so, can you please explain why you expect your ex-wife to contact you any day?  Can you please provide a timeline of the actual ending of your relationship?  It’s a bit unclear.

With regard to your new relationship...  I think it’s nice you’ve met a nice, “sane” woman.  I would however advise caution and maybe baby steps.  You’ve been through a LOT emotionally and I’m sure financially.  Your heart and mind have been pretty battered.  It does take time to heal from these relationships and regain the ability to trust…the most vital part of ANY relationship.

If you find you are clear enough to continue with this new woman and you use social media, don’t.  Especially if your marriage ended in the recent past.  In my opinion, and from how you describe your exW’s negative behavior, it just doesn’t seem you’d want to alert her to the fact that there’s a new woman in your life, potentially exposing this woman to online or other harassment.  I could be wrong.

And I believe you are correct, BPD/NPD’s do NOT change, not without intensive and ongoing self-reflection, intensive therapy and an admission that there is anything wrong with their behavior.  Is your exW diagnosed?

I did find a very helpful resource for understanding is Dr. Ramani.  She has great YouTube videos, really great.  And the night of my breakup, I watched them the entire night.

Sorry this is so long winded.  Please stay with us.  There IS good help here and you most definitely are amongst friends.

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

[chas911]

Yes and Thank You. I filed for divorce after only 4 months of marriage. (January 2023) After she left me (12/30/22) and attempted to loot my home while I was at work. (January 1st 2023)

I expect her to attempt to re-connect with me because as stated in my post, she's $$ broke. She mentioned at that breakfast that "it's (her debts) only going to get worse". Admitted to missing car payments allready too. In my best guess, she's about to lose her home as well. She cashed in her retirement account to use as downpayment on the house and paid waaaaay too much for it. "I'll show him!" The banks won't allow her to make the rules and call the shots. Karma Karma, Karma...

Also, I had an iron clad Pre-Nup agreement in place. No financial issues or loss. 

How do I respond to that text or call?? 
Thanks!

[Gemsforeyes]

Hi Chas -

I’m glad you came back, and thank you for the timing clarification.  So you are divorced and thankfully have a strong pre-nup in place.  That’s good.

I’m gathering that following her attempt at looting your home and your immediate divorce filing, she gave a huge apology of some type, prompting you to continue secretly seeing one another … but for different reasons.  I’m sorry.  It seems you were driven by love.  She seems to have been driven by more selfish $$$ motivations.  Do you think that’s correct?  I believe you see that; and that’s what hurts so much.

So with the above, these visits, you’re financially rescuing, you kept some hope afloat for renewed love for the next year plus… through at least early 2024?  And during this time she’s lost another at least two jobs, bought a new house with cashed out retirement funds, had to get an expensive puppy with pricey medical issues and required fencing issues to keep dogs safe, etc.  and you felt compelled to step in to financially rescue.  Still.

Please know, Chas.  I am NOT “accusing” you of ANYTHING I did not do myself.  I did it all.  All of it.

I’m not so sure I’d use the term Karma…maybe “consequences”.  Of her own actions and behaviors.  I guess it’s more or less the same thing.  For example failing a work drug test and losing the job.  Consequence.  Buying a house when financially unstable.  Buying a breed of dog, he*l -buying another dog at all when she keeps losing jobs… and not having a reserve of funds.  As a dog lover, that’s simply irresponsible.  And she’s got three kids who already have needs. 

From a “logical” standpoint, this was a short-term relationship.  Two years of dating and a 4-month marriage.  This is hard to write, I’m sorry and I DO understand.  I can feel that your head and heart are not aligned.  Your head knows you should be finished but your heart feels a continued “obligation” to stay financially involved.  To rescue. Maybe to still be connected to her.  You have to look at that…it’s a part of detaching, if you’re prepared to do that.

Do you think that financially rescuing will change who she is?  Do you think and honestly believe that will “heal” her behaviors, or simply let her know that you are the continued source of money she sees you as?

How will the new woman feel if she knows you continue to give money you are not obligated to give to your exW?  Will the new woman stay and feel safe with you?

Why do you feel the need to respond to further requests for money?  And if you feel you ARE finished but feel the need to respond at all, you can simply state “divorce is final.  I wish you the best.”  How does it feel to sit with those words?

What are the feelings that come up for you?  This is the part of “looking deeper” in you I was talking about in my first part.  When healing starts, we need to ignore NOTHING about ourselves.

Warmly,
Gems

[chas911]

Thank You! This is exactly the support I need right now. She brutalized me in so many ways.  I Still haven't heard from her which is great. My new "friend" is keeping her distance and doesn't know details. Graciously she said she "won't dig" and we're not at a point in our new relationship where would see my recent past at a detriment. As our new relationship progresses, I will of course cut ties with my ex completely. I know I need to start now however for myself. Too many nights tearing up over the loss of someone who treated me worse than any other person has in my entire life! 
The ironic thing you need to know is that I work in Behavioral Medicine. People I know and work with have asked me numerous times "How could you not have known??" and "Why in God's name are you still talking to her!" That's the cleverness of NPDs. My ex is, to her credit, very intelligent. She is also, in my opinion, incapable of truly loving anyone, ever. I think of this and all the terrible things she did in late 2022, 2023 which reinforces my self-esteem and I remain hopeful for better days ahead. Thanks again.

[jaded7]

Thank You! This is exactly the support I need right now. She brutalized me in so many ways.  I Still haven't heard from her which is great. My new "friend" is keeping her distance and doesn't know details. Graciously she said she "won't dig" and we're not at a point in our new relationship where would see my recent past at a detriment. As our new relationship progresses, I will of course cut ties with my ex completely. I know I need to start now however for myself. Too many nights tearing up over the loss of someone who treated me worse than any other person has in my entire life! 
The ironic thing you need to know is that I work in Behavioral Medicine. People I know and work with have asked me numerous times "How could you not have known??" and "Why in God's name are you still talking to her!" That's the cleverness of NPDs. My ex is, to her credit, very intelligent. She is also, in my opinion, incapable of truly loving anyone, ever. I think of this and all the terrible things she did in late 2022, 2023 which reinforces my self-esteem and I remain hopeful for better days ahead. Thanks again.

That fact that you're a behavioral health worker, and still got blindsided by all of this, is good for others here to read. Many of us feel we 'failed' somehow, were 'bad' people, didn't give them what they needed, etc. THEN when we learn about bpd and no JADE and feelings are facts, we believe if we had only known....then we could have saved the relationship.

So you sharing that you were taken in and now hurt by the behavior is helpful