False accusations and SET

[overwhelmed2]

Hi All,

I have posted a few times now and have been struggling to understand validation and other topics that might help my downward spiraling situation at home. I am looking at the info on 'SET' as a possible technique to help deal with communication issues but I am not confident in how to really apply it to my immediate circumstance.

Basically, my uBPDw is regularly splitting on me. Lately this is pretty much always taking the form of false accusations that end up with me getting the silent treatment followed by a rage attack and threats to divorce.

My understanding of SET (Support, Empathy, Truth) is you make an "I" statement that lets them know you are supportive and care about their feelings, and a "you" statement that shows you empathize with their feelings, and then a truth statement to help clarify another perspective, etc.

I don't get how I can apply this in a typical situation for us, though.

F.ex. We recently went out to dinner. My wife noted that a neighbor was there and said "Hi" to them. A little while later while reading the menus; she noted that I had my elbow on the table and my head was resting on my hand. She said "You tired? You have a headache?" I am hyper tuned to her tone and I could immediately tell she had some problem with this. I told her "No, I was just reading the menu" but made sure I gave her a lot of positive attention throughout the meal, etc. She acted normal during dinner and I thought I may have dodged the bullet but on the way home, she blew up at me (with our adult son in the car) and started berating me for acting like I was unhappy in front of the neighbors.

Long story short is she claims my body language was an attempt on my part to convince our neighbors that I am unhappy with her. This is part of what she thinks is an ongoing body language campaign that I have been on to convince the neighborhood women (two of whom in particular whom she has developed a violent jealousy of), that "I am available".

I am not sure how to express support and empathy for a scenario like this. I *do* know what the truth is, of course. ;)
I would think I'd try a strategy like:

"I'm so sorry you are upset. I can see that you are angry" and then try to address the truth. But that feels awful superficial and does not feel like it would carry any weight against a black out rage. I am not sure how to be more specific without somehow validating the false accusation, though.

Worse, we have gotten into body language triggered arguments many times in the last year. I basically end up making some kind of promise I will control the body language that offended her to appease her and just exit/stop the split.

And, I think, these repeated arguments, to her; feel like my earlier statements about being sorry I offended her/didn't realize/will try to not embarrass her/etc; are insincere and may be doing further damage.

I'm scared that she may be starting to devalue me and our marriage to the point where I cannot get her to course correct.

Any attempt to address a past conflict when tempers are lower is basically impossible because she immediately talks herself angry again very quickly since she does not own any responsibility in her eyes for this and that is something that is being *done* to her...

Sorry this meandered a bit but I can't help it. I feel like I am losing it sometimes.

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[mugsydublin]

 I feel like I am losing it sometimes.

Me, too!

The movie Gaslight so accurately portrays my life with a uBPD. Although in that case, Charles Laughton was deliberately manipulating his wife. My wife gaslights herself—and me.

I "grey rock" my wife much of the time. Not because it is the best strategy, necessarily. SET is probably the best approach (I guess), but the amount of energy it takes to respond to the gaslighting is infinite. And I could easily be pulled into a several hour circular discussion in which I deny that her assessment is correct (and I explain it--which gets me nowhere).

I used to have tremendous anxiety issues, and the way that I have learned to keep an even keel is just to detach emotionally. Some cognitive behavioral therapy has helped with this. I separate my emotional response from the situation.

This is unsatisfying to my BPD wife, although I can't think of anything that would be satisfying for her. I think that she wants the conflict and she wants me to demonstrate that I have knuckled under to her reality.

But it is my way of staying sane and keeping on track with things that matter--like my work.

But this has lately been driving my wife crazy. She starts projecting onto me what I am thinking and she attacks me for just sitting passively while she rages.

One thing that she said to me recently is that when I am quiet, she doesn't know what story to tell herself about me. I asked her why she needs a story. I tell her what I am thinking and then try to step out of the interrogation. No story. I told her the story (for example, that I don't recall her having told me X before.)

I had previously been married to a narcissist, and the grey rock approach was much more effective with her.

No answers from me. I'm just trying to keep some kind of grasp on sanity.

[jaded7]

One thing that she said to me recently is that when I am quiet, she doesn't know what story to tell herself about me. I asked her why she needs a story. I tell her what I am thinking and then try to step out of the interrogation. No story. I told her the story (for example, that I don't recall her having told me X before.)

I had previously been married to a narcissist, and the grey rock approach was much more effective with her.

No answers from me. I'm just trying to keep some kind of grasp on sanity.

This is an interesting observation....she doesn't know what story to tell herself about you. That's absolutely fascinating that she knows she needs a story, and when she doesn't have one she gets frustrated, and then behaviors follow- accusations and anger.

What did she say when you asked her why she needs a story?

I know in my relationship, she would tell me what I was thinking, what my motives were for doing or asking to do/help with something, and they were always 'bad'. And completely opposite of what I was thinking.

[kells76]

Hi overwhelmed2, good question about SET.

One parallel way to read your post title would be something like "drywall taping and hammers", and one way to read your content might be like: "I have a big situation where I need to tape a bunch of drywall really well. I've heard about other people using hammers in DIY projects, but I can't figure out how to use a hammer for my situation."

We're describing a situation, and we're describing a tool, but the tool might not necessarily apply to that specific situation. The situation is fine -- the tool is fine -- they just don't necessarily go together.

I think sometimes there's confusion about SET, like "If my partner has BPD, then I have to use SET all the time whenever I communicate".

SET is not a magic wand or "the only new way to communicate". It's a tool in the toolbox... not the only tool.

One good way I've heard SET described is that SET for moments when you realize that you need to share an uncomfortable truth, and you are able to let go of controlling the outcome, because the most important thing for you is stating that truth (that you realize may be difficult or challenging for your partner to hear).

SET is not for managing a partner's behavior or reaction, or guaranteeing a certain outcome. In fact, none of the tools and skills here are! The tools and skills are for us -- to make our lives more livable regardless of what a partner does or does not do.

If you find yourself saying "I thought I did SET but it didn't work", there could be a couple of things going on.

One is that we might connect "the tools working" to "getting the outcome I want". That isn't really how they work -- the question isn't "did pulling the SET lever get me what I wanted", it's more "was I able to communicate what I decided I needed to, in the most loving way I could, regardless of how she responded".

The other is that we've rightly identified "this situation needs some tools/skills", and we've rightly identified "SET is a tool", but we haven't realized we need a different tool/approach for the job. We can't tape drywall with a hammer (at least, not very well).

...

So, as we look at your situation and look at our tools, let's get some more info to see if in fact SET is the way to go or if maybe there's a better approach.

I am not sure how to express support and empathy for a scenario like this. I *do* know what the truth is, of course. ;)
I would think I'd try a strategy like:

"I'm so sorry you are upset. I can see that you are angry" and then try to address the truth. But that feels awful superficial and does not feel like it would carry any weight against a black out rage. I am not sure how to be more specific without somehow validating the false accusation, though.

Can you talk me through exactly where in that evening you'd be thinking of trying SET? I.e., was it at the restaurant? In the car? After she said ______? Before she said ____? Tell me some more about the moment where you thought "maybe I should try a tool" so that we can see what would help.

[Matty]

Hi,
I found SET to be rather more of a miss than a hit when using it (perhaps I wasn’t doing it properly) as she always seemed to think it was condescending. However, I did have success with this method:
https://www.nicolamethodforhighconflict.com/women-with-traits-of-bpd-regaining-trust/
In this method you validate the root cause of her fear. So in my case, she was telling me that, following 18 months of demanding some clothes back (its a long story which involves shipping to Pakistan which is a nightmare and she wouldn’t agree to any alternatives), her things are finally getting back to her but now she doesn’t want it as it could all be filled with bugs etc as her luggage sat for a few months at customs clearance in Karachi.
I took the approach of:
Yes, this is a legitimate concern and while it is possible, your luggage would have been stored in a climate controlled warehouse and the shipping company definitely does not want this to happen and makes efforts to ensure that it doesn’t. I can’t promise that this won’t be the case but there is only one way to know and thats by inspecting in on arrival and then you can decide if you will accept it or not.
This seemed to diffuse the situation much better than any attempts I ever made with strictly using SET, although, as you can see, it has elements of SET. The big difference being that you address the root fear while validating.
I am certain that others on this forum with more experience may have better perspective.

[overwhelmed2]

Sorry for the late replies I have been ill but am doing a little better now!

Thanks all for your thoughts on this... I like the feedback that 'SET' may not always be the right tool for the job. The tool analogy makes sense to me. And I am still just learning how to use it, so I will not only have to learn how to use it but also a little better understand when it applies.

Thanks to others for sharing your experiences and empathy. I am really trying to soak in as much BPD info as I can these days. Given how things have deteriorated in our relationship the last few years and the frequency and intensity of incidents have accelerated, I am pretty desperate and feeling like my own sanity is at risk...

And really, the BPD stuff has been a *revelation* I have been covering for uBPDw forever and have always felt like there was some kind of completely unique thing going that no one else ever seems to understand (and indeed most people in more normal relationships are like "WTF? Why are you not divorced?" if I do try to talk to them).

In the past, there were a lot of mitigating factors and other things for her to focus on and project feelings onto. Now that we are getting older, she is laser focused on me and is creating a number of situations where she is guaranteed to get triggered so I am always in these absolute "no win" situations like:

• Let's do this thing every single day (walk the neighborhood) that is going to put me in the path of people in the neighborhood that trigger me
• If you refuse to do the thing, you don't love me, we're wrong for each other, it validates what I have said about leaving
• If you suggest an alternate thing it proves that you cannot control yourself around these people
• If you do the thing and we cross paths with someone who triggers me, no matter what you do; it will be wrong. Just the fact that you and this other person both exist and you are within 100 feet of each other will make me angry at you

It is driving me insane. Basically anytime I am in proximity of or interact with anyone in our neighborhood that she knows, my existence p*sses her off. Even if we are in the car just driving by.