Scared and isolated ...

[Mary Kay]

Hello,
My 19-year-old BPD daughter is moving home after living in an apartment we've funded for the past 10 months, in 6 weeks.  I know what it's like to live with her and dread the disruption it will have. 
Since living on her own, she's regressed significantly - in the past 2 months, we've learned that she's been unable to do even the basics of dishes, emptying garbage, brushing her teeth and even urinating in the toilet.  She has gained seventy pounds, acquired a felony for theft and totaled my car. 

The good news is I've found a comprehensive DBT program that will begin in a month but she'll be coming home with nowhere to live as of September 1st.  I want to be able to support her, but I don't have the confidence I can sustain it without losing myself.  My husband avoids her, which leads to frustration, and I am in the middle - or at least that's how I feel.  We've (I've) signed up for the NEABPD family connections class, but it's not for five months.  Does anyone have any advice on managing this transition in the interim?   
Thank you!!!

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[CC43]

Mary Kay,

You're not alone.  I've been in your situation too.  My diagnosed stepdaughter couldn't manage to live at college or on her own.  She was kicked out of rooming situations for poor behavior.  And when she came home to live with me and my husband a few times, it was a disaster.  Like your daughter, she couldn't manage to care for herself.  She'd rarely shower and ate poorly.  She did manage to use the toilet, but she wouldn't flush, and she'd toss her used sanitary products on the floor for me to clean up.  Her room was an absolute mess, with spoiled food stinking it up.  She slept all day.  When I did see her, she was hostile.  I wanted to kick her out, but I'm just her stepmom.  Her dad felt tremendous guilt and fear, so he let her live this way for too long.  Basically he said if I enforced any house rules, she'd attempt suicide in protest, and he'd divorce me.

In my stepdaughter's case, things got a lot worse when she was self-medicating with marijuana.  Do you think that is happening with your daughter?  If so, I'd say, it's important to insist that there is no illicit drug use in your home.

I'd also suggest that you take a look at some of Pook's posts, as he went through a similar situation.

My current thinking is that BPD is tough to deal with, but it doesn't give someone a free pass to abuse others and completely give up on life.  When your daughter is neglecting her hygiene, I think it's basically a cry for help, even if it's completely misguided.

In my mind, all adults, even adults with BPD, have responsibilities.  So I'd advise that if your daughter is living with you, she isn't allowed to be NEETT (Not in Employment, Education, Training or Therapy).  My stepdaughter was NEETT for a long time, and she was absolutely miserable.  In her mind, she might think she deserves to lie around, consume social media all night and smoke pot, letting her parents pay for everything, because they OWE it to her, because she thinks they ABUSED her, and she's a VICTIM trying to get revenge and reparations.  This mentality is very negative and damaging to relationships, and it does absolutely nothing to get your beloved daughter into therapy and on a track towards functioning at a basic level in society.  It's a vicious circle that also adversely impacts her self-esteem.  So I say, don't let her be NEETT in your home, or she will probably only get worse.  If you're working to put a roof over her head, then she has to be working to get better, too.  You've probably read about boundaries on this site, and this would be one of mine.  To live in my home, at a minimum, everyone needs to:

*Contribute by being in employment, education, training, therapy or some combination thereof
*Take care of the environment (keep one's room and common areas clean and tidy)
*Be courteous and respectful to each other
*Refrain from illicit drug use

The bad news is that my stepdaughter had to hit bottom (multiple suicide attempts) in order to realize that she needed help to get better.  The good news is that we supported her in getting into therapy.  The deal was, if she wanted support from us (e.g. housing, car, insurance, etc.), she had to commit to therapy.  It was her choice, but if she didn't commit to therapy, then she would be on her own.  Fortunately, the choice was easy for her.  And she's doing much, much better now, with intense therapy and medications for her depression/anxiety symptoms.

[Sancho]

Hi Mary Kay
I can understand your apprehension. I set my dd up to live independently at around 19 - and she didn't cope either. The thing with BPD is there is no formula, no set of guidelines or rules that we can use that we can be sure will work. There are many reasons why this is so:
 - BPD individuals can have different combinations of symptoms
 - BPD is a spectrum from low functioning to high functioning
 -  there can be a range of co-morbidities - my DD has strong elements of ADHD and ASD and is low functioning

On top of this, a paediatric psychiatrist told me many years ago that in many cases the usual behaviour management formula just doesn't work.

It sounds as though your DD is really struggling, but she is only 19 which is young for BPD people to be able to cope independently.

You can set rules - as CC43 suggests - but it's important to think through what do you do if DD does not keep those rules. It all so much depends on the individual child - and the individual parent's circumstances etc.

So much is unknown but the DBT is a good start and hopefully you will see the positive signs from that within a short period of time.

Can I suggest that instead of focusing on DD, to focus on yourself - and DH - in these 6 weeks to work out what YOU need to put in place for yourself to be able to cope. I think to have these things established when DD comes home will be much easier than trying to establish them once DD is there.

Do you have a routine away from the home - work? go on daily walks? meet up with friends on a regular basis?

What does your routine look like now? Does it have regular 'timeout's' for you and for you and DH?

The journey with a BPD child is a long one, and different for everyone. The main thing is to have your own safety net in place so that each day you can appreciate your own life.

Just a few thoughts . . .

[js friend]

Hi Marykay,

I certainly know the feeling of dread of having your dd back home. My udd left home when she was 17yrs old  and I often wondered what it be like if she had to come back home, but luckily it all worked out for her. I would also suggest that you make sure that you have very ridged boundaries with your dd and that you let her know what they are before she moves back in. You never know she may turn things around and appreciate living back at home again more now she has experienced how hard life can be living alone.

[Josie C]

Hi Mary Kay,
My husband and I have been giving financial support to our dd29 for a few years. There have been some rough patches, but the last year saw some progress and I was having real hope.  She recently was fired from her job and the fallout has led to a crisis like no other.  We are in the process of deciding how long we are willing to support her fully, just so that she doesn’t come back to live with us. I don’t know that our relationship —and my health— could withstand it. I understand the desire to support your daughter without losing yourself and disrupting your other relationships in the process.  BPD is hard on everyone.

You can set rules - as CC43 suggests - but it's important to think through what do you do if DD does not keep those rules. It all so much depends on the individual child - and the individual parent's circumstances etc.

Long ago, I heard the phrase “if you’re going to put your foot down, you better like where you’re standing.”  The difficulty with BPD traits is that they make the ground under our feet feel like it’s constantly shifting. At least it’s a good starting point for considering what you are able and willing to accept in your home.

You mentioned your daughter will be beginning a DBT program.  That’s very hopeful that she is willing to participate.  Is there a program for you as well?  My H and I did DBT for parents that was extremely helpful. Our dd refused to take part, but it was beneficial for us nonetheless. Husband went reluctantly at first, but it didn’t take long for him to see how useful the skills are.  In fact, I wish I could take a refresher course.

The advice to prepare yourself for the coming changes is wise counsel. It is no easy task to take care of yourself when your child is struggling. And doing it without a supportive partner is even more challenging.

I’d be interested in learning what is working for you.