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Speaking of showing how great he is, he's also suddenly been messaging D4's preschool teacher, wanting to know about D4's therapy, and overall suddenly trying to get more involved in D4's life (or at least look like he is). You know, stuff he should have been doing this whole time! I suppose it's better than him misbehaving, and I should try to enjoy him being reasonable all of a sudden, but on the other hand I worry how that will look to other people. Like they'll wonder, "Why did she leave such a great guy?" Or maybe they'll be able to see through it.
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I think in most cases, they see through it. Most adults have been around divorced couples - especially teachers and school staff! - and understand there are two sides to every story. I think most also realize that the parent going on and on about it after the fact is the guilty, or at least guiltier party.
Regardless, it's something you can't control, so you have to let go and not worry about it. Figure out what you can control, and make sure you and your daughter's needs are being met, and take care of those issues. Rumors, third party opinions, etc. are not important.
You can of course, confront people on the spot if they're spewing nonsense, or spreading rumors, but there's no sense going on the offensive, or stirring up issues if you haven't heard anything directly.
That was my approach. I knew (because several people told me) that my ex was badmouthing me and making up absurd stories about what I did. I never said anything about it, except if/when people asked or mentioned something specific she said.
I only did that once. Everyone with half a brain figured out pretty quickly who was really at fault.
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It just boggles my mind that he has this blind spot there. That the most serious issue was not who unloads the dishwasher, but the fact that I couldn't mention anything about wanting him to unload the dishwasher more without being afraid of him flying into a rage. Does he really think that's normal? Does he really think things like that never happened?
This is really just the nature of BPD. I don't think they can admit their faults because then (to their black-and-white-only way of thinking) they're
bad, and they can't be
bad because if they're bad, then they'd have to treat themselves the same cruel way they treat everyone in their lives when they've decided that those people are bad, and so they engage in all sorts of mental gymnastics to re-write what happened, or explain away others' anger towards them so they can pretend they're the victim. When they hit an event or memory that they can't explain away, well, that's when "you made me do it" comes out. They'll never hold themselves accountable for their actions; if they could, then they probably wouldn't be pwBPD. It's like a Catch-22.
As with the things he'll say about you, you just need to let go of this as well. There's no sense in trying to set straight a disordered mind.