Hey...
It's very interesting that you bring up the favorite person dynamic since I have gone down a bit of a rabbit hole with it the last few days, and honestly, understanding it better gave me a lot of peace.
This article is amazing:
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC9806505/It is about the favorite person dynamic. Essentially, the situation seems to be so out of control for the person with BPD. Not all relationships they enter into and cycle with are "favorite person" and there are varying degrees of "favoriteness," but essentially... it's going to be hell for both parties and what really got me was this: the more compassionate you are... the more they can tell you love them... the more they get clarity on the situation... the WORSE it can get. It's like a Chinese finger trap.
They meet you and if you become their favorite person, they are so overcome with obsession... and obsession they would truly rather NOT experience. This was nobody's choice. In fact, it is a lot easier for someone with BPD to go through life without a FP. It's not voluntary. When it happens, however, the wave of intense emotion and anxiety is so strong... it's like it surges through every cell in their body. It is NOT comfortable. It's elation mixed with intense fear. This is why they run from us... they need an escape from the intense feelings that they don't have the tools to cope with. The idealization also leads to a fantasy filled with social cues of validation. Their dream of a life with you, when idealized, is so blissful and conflict-free... but they are keen observers of social cues that are associated with rejection... and the more rejection-sensitive they are, the more hypervigilant they will be about spotting real or imagined social cues that you are falling out of intense unconditional love with them... or that their fairytale won't happen. They are not really equipped for a healthy relationship with conflict management. In fact, attempts to avoid conflict (like gaslighting) only create more.
What makes it WORSE is when the FP is compassionate and understanding... the more they do things that are well-adjusted... the more they try to help their anxious partner feel like they are secure... the person with BPD consciously or subconsciously sees MORE value in their FP... and it actually makes it more extreme. We met their needs... we met needs associated with their trauma and wounding... so they clung... and when they abuse us and we respond with compassion, we meet their needs MORE... and actually make the bond stronger even though, to a non, this would only make the relationship more damaged. It's oddly both damaged and stronger simultaneously with a FP that is truly at the top of their list.
Their waves of love get stronger and their feelings of being emotionally out of control get worse. They desperately claw at any opportunity for control... and that's where the devaluing comes in... the rejection... the monkeybranching... any attempt for them to feel like they are reclaiming their lives. According to the article, people with BPD desperately wish to avoid the very things that happen... that they feel are happening TO them. Without you they feel like they cannot breathe. They are missing some key element of their place in this world... their reason for existing... their best source of validation. When they say they don't want to do these maladaptive things--they mean it; they really don't... but then when the next wave of extreme fear or anxiety that you will leave them... and take away their oxygen... it again gets too uncomfortable... they push away... but then realize they cannot breathe... and the cycle continues. The relationship develops more scar tissue, which they use in their rationalization to justify why they are not deserving or why they need to cut bait and run... but also reinforces that we are unconditionally loving. They have a hard time feeling worthy of unconditional love. It's foreign... they want it... but they don't trust it. It's both there (which freaks them out) and possibly not there (if they mess up, in which case it's time to blame-shift... distract themselves/monkeybranch, and eventually time to get fixing if the new idol of interest falls short in meeting their needs as well as you did).
The other bit of insight was this... which I found very fascinating... There are people who are best-suited to be a FP. I would wager that those characteristics apply to most of the people who participate on this board... the more a FP is like a "teddy bear person," or the more they are nurturing, loving, understanding, and accepting of them... the safer they feel... the more unsafe they feel. The characteristics we have as compassionate and patient people work against us... and if we are not careful... lead us to putting them first and losing ourselves. Something about us... be that our own emotional wounding or whatever... may be the thing that makes us stay. The other aspect... is that the more "extraordinary" they find us... with legitimate evidence (good career, attractive, confident, skilled, athletic, popular, you name it), the worse it will be. The same type of stuff that creates Swifties. We are their Taylor Swift.. and they oscillate between wanting to bow at our feet... and wanting to extinguish us... and the more we are compassionate... the worse it can get.
Apparently, the only antidote to getting them to move on is to either allow them to find a new FP... that they like more... or get them to fall out of FP with us. To get them to fall out of FP with us, we have to do something that makes them see us differently. They may actually want to do this already... with a lot of the splitting. It would be easier for all parties if they hated us... their emotions could cool and they could go back to some dark neutrality or continue searching for something they may never find. We may have to disgust them... we may have to completely change their opinion of us... but that doesn't necessarily mean we will not experience their wrath for years to come... it could backfire and they could still objectify us while also wanting to punish us.
As dark as this sounds... and as pessimistic... it actually helped me see this more logically as a FP. My partner never had a FP who was a romantic partner... and if you ask him, I was the only FP he had. He either cannot remember, or he didn't have one. I am the first. He kept everyone else at arms-length his whole life. He met me... a young, attractive, smart, funny, compassionate, affectionate college professor. It was all over the first night we met... and he was obsessed. He said "I love you" on the first date, claimed me as his GF, and the next morning he left, came back to kiss me, left, came back to kiss me, and left again. He also brought me gifts for the first 5 dates. Big bags of gifts. He was so overwhelmed. Contacted me more than he had ever contacted anyone... texting all day... started fantasizing and future-faking... he was done for. So much of this makes sense now. I mean, the more I learned about BPD, it made sense... but knowing how I am a FP and the extremes he is feeling... dang. The best thing for both of us is to never see each other again. Being kind and compassionate is not going to help (unless he's in a better mental/emotional place with therapy... and I am no longer an FP). Essentially, the rollercoaster stops when you are not their FP... however that occurs... they set up a trap or create a situation where they are now disgusted by you... and their view of you is modified... or therapy... where their view of you is modified... or they move on to a "better" FP.
I also realized that I have been a FP before... to some of my students. In fact, some diagnosed with BPD. As a teacher or professor, they became completely obsessed... and I met their needs. I am a walking "teddy bear person" and I am at a MUCH higher risk of being the object of affection for a person with BPD... which does NOT need to be romantic at all. With those relationships, however, I have been able to create boundaries, and I have healthy relationships with them (now). I didn't live with them... I wasn't in a romantic relationship with them... so it was easier for them to see how their relational expectations may be unrealistic. For a significant other, however, there's a lot more grey area when it comes to what's expected for a partner... it's a lot harder to do the boundaries thing.
How does it give me peace of mind? I dunno... but knowing that all I can do is either walk away, do something to make him disgusted by me (make up a lie about some sexual experience and have my friend "leak" the information?), or wait for him to find a "better" FP, or wait for him to heal in therapy... all the while trying to be no-contact/boundaries... helps me understand that this relationship was doomed from the start.
I also have a little more compassion for myself. All of the compassion I displayed... all of my BEST personality traits that make me a good friend, family member, and partner... doused the flames in gasoline.
This should at least help some people realize that the "If I just..." thoughts they had in their head regarding compassion and support for their BPD partner... would likely only make their hell even worse.
