Gaslit and ghosted - is this a thing?

[Mixie]

When I asked why my adult DD was not picking up the phone and appeared to be avoiding me, she said 'I am not happy with my life and I can't help blame it on the past (me)'. I acknowledged that she was entitled to her opinion and I was sorry things were that way.

I proposed joint counselling with a therapist of her choice. I sent all kinds of emails including saying I was gutted - which I am. I do not know the specifics of what she is talking about and we went from a few weekly phone calls to nothing.

It is possible, now that she has a very sweet bf, that it is 'safe' to cut me out and blame me. I am thinking of Karpman's drama triangle. I have shifted to the persecutor. But now it seems I am no longer the one who is being called with crises, which is a nice change. Maybe it is her awkward way of cutting the apron strings...

I must say this site and forum has helped me deal with this. Her sister (UD BPD) and I have been effectively estranged for 5 years now, despite my offering couselling etc.

But this is my life and I am coming to accept it. And move on. There are moments when I feel lighter and better doing so.

Thanks all.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[kells76]

Hi Mixie;

Sounds like both of you have communicated to each other (at different levels of skillfulness) what amount of contact you are up for.

You'd like to be in contact, and are open to working with her and a therapist to make that happen.

She is telegraphing that she does not want to be in contact and isn't engaging with emails or phone calls.

It seems like you've been clear about what you're up for -- she knows -- and she's also communicating (though less clearly/explicitly) what she's up for. And you two are in pretty different places right now.

You might be on to something here:

I am no longer the one who is being called with crises, which is a nice change. Maybe it is her awkward way of cutting the apron strings...

She might be maturing into adulthood in a low-skill way, with lots of bumps on the road... but she's doing it. It's normal for children to at first need their parents to help with crises, and then, as they get older, not to need that kind of support any more. She may not be doing it gracefully or kindly, but... she's launching -- she isn't inappropriately relying on you to solve her problems for her.

That doesn't mean it doesn't hurt; it would be so nice if she could communicate in a thoughtful, skillful way: "Hey mom -- I'm going to take some time for me over the next year or so, and take a break from touching base with you. It's just time for me to make my way in the world. I'm open to reconnecting sometime, I just don't know when that is right now. Thanks for offering the counseling, even though I'm not able to take you up on that."

Maybe that's behind everything... I would hope, for you.

[Mixie]

Yes - I think it is a clumsy and a bit hurtful way of making her own way. She has the support of a very well adjusted bf and now it's time for her to go from me. It was a bit black and white.. one day reporting on a real win she had on an exam or asking me if a certain dress looks right, and then nothing. But maybe those felt forced on her side now that she has this nice guy - who is very supportive and sweet.

My hope is that one day both daughters and I will have a rapprochement. But I am getting on with my life in the meantime. They are grown and well, who knows how much runway I have left.

Thank you all.

[Tangled mangled]

I’m responding here as I was married to a pwbpd/male version.

My ex husband was very enmeshed with his mum- I mean atleast 3-5days a week of lengthy telephone conversations. I use to request that he kept some details about our relationship private- I thought I had a right to privacy.

When he’s parents chose the period around the birth of our first child to distance themselves they moved on to the perpetrator position of the triangle and we were both victims.

I remember being the loving, supportive girlfriend, then wife. It was exhausting. Sometimes I wonder if he’s family were relieved of their burden when I came into the picture.
I was his rescuer- and he said so many awful things about what was done in his childhood.
As years went by I slowly woke up to what was going and I confronted him- I challenged his victim narrative. I told him I didn’t believe his narrative about his parents and that he had told lies. It was one of the reasons why he attacked me physically.

My 2cents  is : as you have mentioned, you go ahead and live your life as best as possible. Look after yourself, engage in therapy, channel the time to yourself, enjoy your hobbies. Allow yourself to grieve but don’t let it consume. You didn’t cause her bpd, you can’t control ir cure it.