I'm so broken inside, please help me

[DeeplyLovingHer]

Hi everyone!
I'm sorry for writing all this, but I'm so broken inside again.
Depression and anxiety are hitting so badly today.

I met my ex 4 years ago and we had great time together for a while, even tho I noticed there was something off since the beginning. Her mood swings and random rage was something I have never dealt with, but I decided to stay and take care of her anyway, cuz she made me the happiest person I ever been when she wasn't having an episode.

She immediately became my best friend, my best lover, my favorite person in this world, my everything.

During the first two years of our relationship I had the hardest time of my life, not because of her but because my business was hit so badly by the lockdown and pandemic, and overall global economy situation, I became real sick with long covid (a chronic illness) and got much worse after the vaccine, and all this eventually led me to a devastating ongoing stress and burnout.

I started having very bad brain fog and depression, so I wasn't anymore the best version of myself. I tried many times to explain her the situation, but she never fully understood. She was tolerating me until she eventually decided to leave.

She changed her mind and came back after a few months and we got back together, until she eventually left me again after we had an argument and she started accusing me of things I've never done.

That was the moment I understood that something was really off, much more than I thought.

She was picturing our relationship with a false narrative, like everything was a nightmare, while until a few days before she was telling me how happy she was me and how lucky she was to have me in her life.

At that time I wasn't aware of BPD and was still struggling with my health and money, and also my parents divorce.
I decided I had enough and I just wanted to move on.

It didn't last too much cuz I was always thinking about her, especially when going out with other girls.
I reached out again after a few months and after some nice talking, we had another an argument, she blocked me everywhere and disappeared again.

I went then really badly into depression and started having very bad thought of self harm and suicide.
One day I texted one of her friends, cuz I was worried about her and I was so desperate cuz I just wanted to talk with her.
Her friend didn't answer but my ex told me she would go to the police if I would ever do that again.

So I went totally no contact and after two weeks of no sleep and crying all day, struggling with "why this was happening to me", something popped up in mind and I had an epiphany.

I remembered that 3 years before, at the very beginning of our relationship, one day I asked her if she had some kind of mood regulation issues, and she mentioned a psychologist told her she might have BPD.

I then started digging into the matter by reading online a lot of stuff (especially here) and I finally started seeing so many things that were really impossible for me to understand till then.

I took some notes, especially about how to deal with certain situations, why these happens, how to avoid escalating the conflict, etc etc...

I did all of this with only good intentions, just in order to heal myself and hopefully find a way to have a better relationship with her if she would ever comeback.

Instead of running like many suggested, I decided to stay anyway, and never leave her, no matter what.

After one month, she reach me again. Out of the blue, telling me something really out of context.
No apologies, just being nice and talkative as we were before. It was her way to re-establish connection with me.
She told me she was dating an ex boyfriend but she dumped him after a few weeks.
I accepted the situation and we decided together to meet again.

When we met I was happy, she was happy, we were both very happy.
It was her birthday in a few weeks and I did my best to organize everything for her.
Nothing crazy, just me and her out at dinner talking, doing what we love, being together again.
She told me that it was the best birthday she ever had in her life!

Unfortunately meanwhile we both moved abroad for work and study, and for this reason after the holidays we couldn't see each other for a while. But we met again twice in the upcoming months.
The first one was really good. The second one a bit less, but still nothing really bad happened.

After a while she restarted having doubts about me and our relationship, and I did my best to calm her down on the phone.
Until we decided together to make plans for the future and a list of things we could improve together.

That's when sh*t happened!

I created a note with all these things and shared my account with her, eventually sharing other personal stuff.
When she saw my other notes about out to deal with BPD and some other personal stuff regarding my previous ex gfs she went completely out of her mind.

I mean I totally understand she could get upset, but I didn't even remember I had these notes there since was something I did months before when we weren't event together anymore, and I tried to explain her myself, but she went really mad with me.

I guess she felt betrayed. But in reality I have never cheated on her, nor I did my research about BPD with a bad purpose, but rather with just the best intentions and good will to understand and help.

Anyway after two weeks of arguments and blocking, unblocking etc...
We agreed to see each other again and spend the weekend together.

I took a 3 hours flight, and drove for about 500km to see her, and after all that I was eventually dumped like a rabid dog the same day because I was late to the appointment (she stressed me out with ongoing blaming until 2 am the day before so I couldn't sleep the whole night setting me up for failure, and that's why I was late).

She was really mad, told me very bad things, and blocked me everywhere again, just right after a few days before when she was talking to start living together, making a family with me, etc...

I tried to reason with her but without success, so I eventually gave up, hoping she would change her mind again with time.
But this didn't happen for about 4 months. So last Saturday after all this time of no contact, I decided to send her a bouquet of flowers with a nice letter to apologize with her and try to reconnect.

I was hoping to fix things, but instead I received a message from her new boyfriend (a guy that was always around her but she told me that she couldn't ever really see him as a boyfriend) threatening me to call the police because she was freaking out. Then the guy blocked me on Whatsapp right after, so I couldn't even answer to him after the threat.

Now I didn't sleep again last night because of this.
I suppose I had a very stupid idea, and that's why I hope you can give me a good advice.

Should I write her a short email just to calm her down or what? (this is the only channel opened for me since then)

Am I crazy if I'm thinking I could still ever make this work again?
I spoke with a BPD consultant after we broke up last time, and he is happily married with his BPD wife after so many drama.

Call me crazy, but after learning about BPD I feel even more deep in love with her.
The thing is that I think that after a long time of clueless struggling, I can I finally understand why certain things happen and most of the time I have now learned how to deal with them in a better way.

I was always getting upset when she acted out like that, but now I can understand why these things happens.

And none of this is her fault.
She is not a bad person, she just need help and someone who really cares about her.
And this is me.
 
How can you even get mad at someone with this condition, if you are aware of everything they are going through?
After all this pain I experienced, I can finally better understand what she feels when she is down.
And even tho she hurt me so much, my heart is telling me to stay and don't give up with her, like many others would do.

I feel I can finally see in her the light that no one else can see.
Her true and deepest essence.
All of the shades of her different personalities.
We were even joking about this.

Now I can just finally do something better for her that I could have done before.
But how can I do this if she is now seeing me like a monster because I think that she has BPD?

She has the most beautiful soul I have ever encounter in my life.
She is the most interesting and creative person I have ever met.
She is the one I ever loved so much.

Can you please help me to deal with this situation and reconnect with her the right way?
How can I make the bad feeling going away and let her remember the good things between us?

I can't move on, I tried many times, but I fail so badly.
Every time I go out with a different girl, instead of being happy I get severely depressed because I just want to be with her.
I'm focusing on myself to get better and doing better in my life, but this is only making things worst, since I know she would really appreciate me even more at this point, but it's not gonna happen if we don't talk or see each others.

I just love her so much, I can't see living my life without her anymore.

Please help me, I really need your advice.
 

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Caleb91]

Dear DeeplyLovingHer,

I'm new to this community, and am searching for answers myself, hardly an expert here, but I relate to so much in your story.

A pandemic relationship that started in 2020.

The lightbulb going off after our relationship was over, me doing loads and loads of research on BPD in the hopes of having a more stable relationship in the future, even though I've been harshly cut off and blocked.

My dedication to this person who hasn't spoken to me in so long, and my complete inability to move on. Going on dates but thinking only of her.

My exGF seeing somebody right now, who it couldn't possibly work with, but the pain of seeing that.

Me betraying my ex, under very different circumstances, but still. And wondering if pwBPD are so prone to imagine betrayals, how could she ever possibly get over a real transgression.

None of what we have gone through is enviable, but I will say that I envy your position in that your ex has reached out and re-engaged multiple times after only a few months of silence, meaning that I think you might still be going through cycles. I'm hoping that you get another chance and can crack the code this time. My ex and I did go through many cycles, but she was never the one to re-engage; I always had to chase and apologize. After more cycles than I can count, she broke up more harshly than ever before almost two years ago and I've been blocked ever since. Every single day I wait for the text "out of the blue, telling me something really out of context" as you put it, which people have told me to expect, but it hasn't come, and I don't know if it will.

I'm hoping both of us hear from our exes and that we can put our educations in BPD to work, to better love the people we love, but I would bet on your ex coming back over mine, for sure. 

I'm interested in seeing how your story unfolds, and wishing you the best.

[DeeplyLovingHer]

Hi my friend,
thanks for your interest and your kind words.
Unfortunately, this time I can only foresee dark times ahead.
This guy has been around her since their childhood.
She always told me categorically that she wasn't interested in him, but the same thing happened with another one of my exes a long time ago, who is now married to him and the mother of two kids.
I'm not so happy about the situation, I didn't see it coming.
I suffer from severe brain fog and depression and it's hard for me to be the best version of myself in this situation.
I wish you all the best!

Cheers!

[DeeplyLovingHer]

Please any help from someone more navigated and experienced than me?
I feel really bad 

[kells76]

Hi DeeplyLovingHer and welcome to the group  glad to see that others in situations like yours have reached out and connected with you -- it's one of the strengths of this group, seeing how you're not alone.

To me, this section reads as the core of your challenging situation:

I created a note with all these things and shared my account with her, eventually sharing other personal stuff.
When she saw my other notes about out to deal with BPD and some other personal stuff regarding my previous ex gfs she went completely out of her mind.

I mean I totally understand she could get upset, but I didn't even remember I had these notes there since was something I did months before when we weren't event together anymore, and I tried to explain her myself, but she went really mad with me.

I guess she felt betrayed. But in reality I have never cheated on her, nor I did my research about BPD with a bad purpose, but rather with just the best intentions and good will to understand and help.

Anyway after two weeks of arguments and blocking, unblocking etc...
We agreed to see each other again and spend the weekend together.

I took a 3 hours flight, and drove for about 500km to see her, and after all that I was eventually dumped like a rabid dog the same day because I was late to the appointment (she stressed me out with ongoing blaming until 2 am the day before so I couldn't sleep the whole night setting me up for failure, and that's why I was late).

She was really mad, told me very bad things, and blocked me everywhere again, just right after a few days before when she was talking to start living together, making a family with me, etc...

I tried to reason with her but without success, so I eventually gave up, hoping she would change her mind again with time.
But this didn't happen for about 4 months. So last Saturday after all this time of no contact, I decided to send her a bouquet of flowers with a nice letter to apologize with her and try to reconnect.

I was hoping to fix things, but instead I received a message from her new boyfriend (a guy that was always around her but she told me that she couldn't ever really see him as a boyfriend) threatening me to call the police because she was freaking out. Then the guy blocked me on Whatsapp right after, so I couldn't even answer to him after the threat.

Now I didn't sleep again last night because of this.
I suppose I had a very stupid idea, and that's why I hope you can give me a good advice.

Should I write her a short email just to calm her down or what? (this is the only channel opened for me since then)

Lots of intensity going on in a short amount of time. It seems like your most comfortable way to cope with these conflicts is by trying to explain yourself to her, get her to "see reason", etc, and her most comfortable way to cope with these conflicts is by blocking you. Neither is very effective long term, especially if BPD is in the mix.

It's a hard hand of cards you've been dealt. She's with someone else who is inhabiting the "rescuer" role (sometimes the Karpman Drama Triangle framing can be helpful for understanding these conflicts). She gets to be the victim defended by her rescuer, and by default that leaves you with being the "persecutor"/villain. Not an easy place to come back from, and if your most comfortable way to navigate conflict is through defending your intentions, that can keep you stuck in the drama triangle.

My thought is that until she not just feels heard, but is actually heard, by you, it'll be tough going.

You may be right that she felt betrayed when she saw your notes about BPD. Regardless of whether she was "right" or "wrong" to feel that way, what's more important is she was having feelings about that -- and hearing an explanation from you didn't feel to her like you were hearing her emotions about the situation.

It's hard to say if or when you'll have a chance to show her that you can listen differently -- that you can stop invalidating her (all of us do this, often accidentally -- not just you) and really open up to take in how she feels, without having neediness about explaining yourself or reasoning to her.

To me, a solid first step might be in this area:

I suffer from severe brain fog and depression and it's hard for me to be the best version of myself in this situation.

It's really hard to make healthy and effective relational choices when we're feeling foggy and depressed. Are you seeing a counselor or therapist right now, to get some support there?

hang in there and keep sharing -- the group is here for you.

[DeeplyLovingHer]

Hi Kells, thank you so much for your support.
Everything you said it's relatable, and I've got your best advice as showing my willingness to LISTEN to her, instead of trying to explain myself and my reasoning to her. This is what I'm doing most of the time, since it's my natural way to defend when feeling accused or attacked. But you are right. I didn't pay attention to this detail and that's why sharing with others in this forum really helps.

She was focusing on getting my apologies last time, and even tho I did it many times it didn't work. So I just tried to make a bigger and better apology with this bouquet of flowers and the letter.

About my mental state, I'm trying to deal with it.
I'll start taking some pills this week probably. I've been living with severe depression for a long time now, and probably I didn't even realize how bad was impacting my mood. I did it when she left me and then when I tried to reach out again. At first, I thought it was just extreme anxiety, but in reality it's much more than that. I had suicidal thoughts lately, whenever we broke up. Every time it happened they kicked in.
I'm a strong person and I always think I can manage this, but I need to treat my condition anytime soon.

Can you please advise about the letter?
Should I just wait? Or should I write her an email?
When we broke up, she reminded me how much she love me and she felt bad because she didn't felt loved as well. So because I know how much I deeply care and love her, I'm trying to explain myself and show her what I feel with concrete actions. In theory this should be perceived in a good way, but we all know that in BDP's is not always like this.

This time I will add the LISTENING PART and more apologies acknowledging first how much I understand her suffering. I really do now, cuz I've gone through all this pain and suffering multiple time by myself as well. And the crazy thing is that the more I experience pain, the more I feel I can understand her, and I love her and I am deeply connected with her.

Am I going crazy? Is this trauma bonding right? Is it a bad thing or not necessary?
I mean I'm not happy to experience this pain, I do understand it's not good for myself. But if it's temporary and can help me to better understand the person I love the most in this world, fix things between us and make her happy, I can accept and bear it for a while for the sake of our relationship. I hope you get what I mean.

It's gonna end one day? Will we ever be happy?

About the guy. It's probably exactly as you said. He is her savior now and I'm the villain. It's pretty clear to me. How can I deal with this situation? Reverse the roles or at least not being seen as the villain? When he texted me they end up having an argument as well (already talking about breaking up). But he is in a pretty strong position, they have known themselves for a long time, they live very close, he is her savior now, he knows her family, etc.. I don't have any of these privileges

[DeeplyLovingHer]

Today I want to share this thought with you guys.
I slept very bad again tonight and I woke up with this epiphany.
I live in a distorted reality of what happened.
As you can notice in my first post, I mostly highlighted my failures as the reasons for the breakup.
I tend to justify all her bad behaviors, never get angry with her, and always try to apologize, stay calm, and take the blame. As she always asks me to take responsibility, apologize, etc... I did this to try de-escalating the tension between us, hoping she would calm down and stop the episode.

But maybe I'm just enabling her to go harder on me, as he could see me even more as the weak/guilty man she wants to break up with.

How can I manage this in a better way?

[DeeplyLovingHer]

A second thought I wanted to share with this community is that I realized how we live in two completely different realities.

I always tend to see the beautiful moments together, to notice and appreciate her efforts to stay and improve herself and our relationship, even tho for example she never really helped me to deal with the very difficult situation I was facing all the time.

She instead focus all her mind on every bad episode, and she is reminding me all of these over and over again, like everything else is irrelevant. It doesn't matter if I book two times the tickets to see her, and the first time she canceled. I showed up after spending 500€, flying 2500kms, and driving another 500kms to see her. It doesn't matter if we were supposed to see each others half the way but she then decided she couldn't come, and I had to pick her up where she lives which is more far away. I was late, and this is all that matters.

She is not a bad person at all, but how can I make her seeing these things?
How can I make her understand that I'm not the source of all the things gone wrong, but we have to deeply understand each others and face together the problems arising in our lives?

This is what is truly destroying our relationship.

[Caleb91]

I started a thread a couple of weeks ago titled “rewriting history” where I asked the community if these people we love with BPD ever come back to reality and see things as they were rather than the twisted versions they create in their heads where we did nothing but bad things to them. I don’t know. I’m not optimistic since as we’ve been discussing, they never really saw the good things we did even when we were dating so how could they possibly see the good in us now?

In my case, I don’t see my ex coming back and suddenly being aware of things I did two, three, four years ago to make her life better. The best case I hope for is that she comes back as more of a blank slate, all the villain stories having washed away, so that we can make new memories together and fill the bank with good moments and happy times. And that after the time I’ve spent learning about BPD, how to attune and validate their emotions, we can start with a stronger foundation and have a more peaceful relationship. That’s my dream. 

[DeeplyLovingHer]

This is so sweet of you and this is exactly what I think it could happen.
At best they could have mixed memories (bad and good), but your best chance it's to create new ones as you said.
And this is exactly what I would do.

If they could just see deep inside our souls what we feel for them, I'm sure all this would never happen.