The Power of a Genuine Apology, Forgiveness, and the Full Circle of Healing

[zachira]

Recently I was warmly greeted by a woman I did not recognize. I had to ask her who she was. The last time I saw her I had apologized to her for how I had mistreated her when I was taking care of her on one occasion when she was a child. Several years before, in the presence of her young daughter she had told me how angry she was with me for how I had treated her that one time under my care when she was a child. This time she said to me she wished that other adults would have apologized to her for how they mistreated her. At one point, she tried to minimize how I had treated her, and I said that no adult should treat a child like I treated her. She told me how her mother tried to bring her up as her clone, to be something she was not. She also shared with me that she enjoys how different her daughter is from her. We talked for quite a while and it warmed my heart. I am grateful she has forgiven me. I am also glad she has become a fine person, a loving mother to her daughter. I know many of her family members and she seems to be the only one to overcome the long history of intergenerational abuses, become a very fine person in her own right.

I know so many members on this site would like to get a genuine apology from people they have been mistreated/abused by . We never know when a genuine apology can be healing for the person who was mistreated and the person who is genuinely sorry for how they mistreated another person. I am feeling a little lighter today. I often think about how I am a work in progress, learning how to be a better person, and sincerely regret when I have behaved as badly as my disordered family members because of the bad examples they set of how to treat other people. I am grateful to all the people who are helping me to take the high road including many members on this site.

[stexia]

Thanks for sharing, you brightened my day!

[Methuen]

Thanks for sharing this story Zachira.  It speaks to the point that when we do the right thing (apologize), we are taking ownership for something we did that was hurtful to someone.  Apologizing can give us some peace for our wrong, so that we can begin to feel better about ourself.  We may not know what the apology meant to them, because sometimes people need time to fully process an apology, and by then we are gone. We often don't get to see the long term effect on the other person. We may never even see them again. Your story is a beautiful reminder of the profound impact a genuine apology can have. 

We live in a time of many crises and challenges, and this little story is beautifully uplifting. 

[Pook075]

Great post and I completely agree!  If we want an apology from someone with mental illness, then we should lead with one ourselves.  I am truly sorry the BPD relatives in my life have hurt in the past and regardless of who was at fault, I played a part by not always taking the high road (and sometimes taking the lowest of low roads when I lost my cool). 

That's 100% on me and worth an apology.

One thing I've learned in my personal journey is that forgiving someone sounds like it's something for the other person...but it's actually for me more than anything.  By apologizing, I'm allowing myself to move on with a clear conscious that I tried to make things right.  Whatever happens after that is not on me, so I don't have to carry that burden any longer.  It's like a weight has been lifted and after I apologized to the two BPD's in my life, I literally apologized to everyone else that I might have slighted.  It feels amazing to let go regardless of the outcome.

Apologizing to my BPD daughter completely changed our relationship though and I am so thankful for it.  Apologizing to my BPD ex didn't save my marriage, but it drastically improved our relationship and we are friends today (and very good co-parents).  The benefits of apologizing are tremendous for everyone involved.

[Notwendy]

One example I recall is something I didn't expect. My BPD mother's immediate family seemed to be her flying monkeys. After my father passed away, the situation I distanced myself from them. They seemed to be keeping a distance from me as well.

Years later, some of them were travelling and passing through my town and invited me and my H to dinner. I didn't know what to expect. I figured it would just feel awkward and I'd be cordial and that is all there would be to it. At the dinner- they apologized for not being supportive and that they had figured out the situation with my BPD mother and asked how they could help now.

I was so shocked, I about fell off my chair at the dinner table.

I don't need "help" like a child would from them, but the emotional validation- that what was a family secret didn't have to be- that was huge.

They also expressed being angry that I distanced myself too and so I apologized for that. It wasn't with intent to hurt anyone but I felt at the time that there probably was little choice. I realized they had misinterpreted something I had said so I also apologized.

It does make a difference.

[zachira]

Being able to apologize to people we have not treated well, is a real gift. It allows us to be able to grow and to have rewarding intimate relationships. I have said for years that a person is not really a friend until we have had a disagreement and see if we can respect each other as two separate individuals. Long time happily married couples, parents who have rewarding relationships with their grown children, and life long close friends know how make amends when they have hurt another person.

Lately I have been seeing quite a bit of my relatives and long time family friends. I have briefly described to many of them at different times over the past few years why I can no longer have a relationship with my sister with NPD. It seems there is finally more of an acceptance of who I am and I do believe that they are more capable of seeing that I am not the person my sister has portrayed in her life time smear campaign of me. I feel like I have forgiven some of my relatives for being such terrible flying monkeys. I feel sad I cannot have a relationship with my only sister though know I can never reestablish contact with her because she will never stop smearing me. One of my cousins is in a similar situation with his sister, and we have talked at length about it.

Being able to genuinely apologize to people we have hurt is about compassion for others and ourselves. It allows us to be vulnerable and to show we accept ourselves as imperfect human beings.

 

[LonelyOnly77]

I'm glad your apology was able to help them so much. I wish more people would harness the power of accountability and forgiveness. It's not a weakness, but a sign of strength. And you never know how deep of an impact it could have. I wish my father would apologize to my youngest sister for his lack of support and attention when she was little, but as he refuses to see things from her perspective (he's sadly a chronic gaslighter at times when he should just apologize and move on) and she struggles to communicate (she's uBPD, so she's chosen to be passive-aggressive or aggressive-aggressive), so they're at an unfortunate stalemate. I forgave our dad for his shortcomings years ago and we have a good relationship as a result because I'm able to just enjoy him as a loving, supportive 82-year-old, rather than be stuck on how much of a nonpresence he was when we were all growing up.

An apology wouldn't solve everything, but it would bring them both some peace, I believe.