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Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse... Have you considered that being critical, judgmental, or invalidating toward the other parent, no matter what she or he just did will only make matters worse? Someone has to be do something. This means finding the motivation to stop making things worse, learning how to interrupt your own negative responses, body language, facial expressions, voice tone, and learning how to inhibit your urges to do things that you later realize are contributing to the tensions.
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Author Topic: When is a Suicidal Feeling Dangerous  (Read 2296 times)
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 649

« on: November 28, 2005, 08:37:02 AM »

I know that feeling suicidal is sometimes part of the grief process... .the loss of hope. 

How do you know when a your own suicidal feeling is getting dangerous.
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Posts: 1554

« Reply #1 on: November 28, 2005, 08:50:33 AM »

Skip, we're not professionals here, but I think that if you are wondering about your own depression level, it's time to talk to your therapist or doctor, or call a hotline and get professional counseling on this issue.?  Don't wait, reach out to the pros.?  


I don't think you have to be at the edge to deserve a little help.?  Simply being unhappy for a long time is reason enough to start tackling this today.

Please keep checking in, we want to know how you're doing.?  
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 347

« Reply #2 on: November 28, 2005, 09:03:51 AM »

   I think it's when you actually have a plan on how your going to do it

  thats what a dr will ask if you tell them you have suicidal thoughts
« Reply #3 on: November 28, 2005, 09:05:39 AM »

Hi Skip,

Suicidal feelings can be not just hopelessness but anger and rage ? over a situatiion. a way of stricking back but its ? directed at yourself. ? If its from losss of a loved one through death of the so ? suicide is a gesture of wanting to be with them and can be a common thought. Try doing some physical activity running or something real strenuous and see if it passes. Obsessing and focousing on such thoughts is what leads to more thoughts so talking with a therapist or crissi individual via a phone person toperson local hot line?  can be helpful.  If this is you having these thoughts and feelings you may feel all aone in them . I just want you to know that there are many others who have felt the same thing and to know you are not alone in your feelings and that others have gotten out from underthem. Maybe you can find some comfort in that  and not feel so alone right now. ? take care of yourself...


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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 649

« Reply #4 on: November 28, 2005, 09:22:00 AM »

I have talked to therapist a week ago... .she didn't seem concerned.

I don't think I am at risk... .but the thought passes by me a couple times a week.  I was wondering if anyone else has experienced this and how.

Hope, I don't have a plan or even a method... .but recently I wondered if I should think of how (I didn't, just went to sleep)

I lifted this from the web:

Major life transition, such as loss of a loved one, breaking up with a boyfriend/girlfriend.

NON-VERBAL warning signs include:

* Giving away personal or prized possessions.

* Increased alcohol or drug use.

* Sleeping too much or too little.

* Lack of interest in personal appearance.

* Lack of interest in friends.

* Lack of interest in social activities that were formerly of interest.*

* Poor performance in school/ work

* Boredom, restlessness, and loss of concentration.

Please note that many of these warning signs are signs of depression. Depression does not necessarily mean that a person is contemplating suicide. But depressed people often think of suicide.

VERBAL warning signs include such negative statements as:

* "Families and friends do not care."

* "Life isn't worthwhile."

* "People are better off without me."

* "Everything seems to be going wrong."

* "I don't need this any more."
« Reply #5 on: November 28, 2005, 10:22:49 AM »

Skip, get help now. Do not wait until those fleeting thoughts that come once or twice a week get more frequent. Your T ought to be concerned.

I had those random, infrequent thoughts as well, and they became more frequent and involuntary. I would be in the middle of dinner with friends or some other happy activity and I would have flashes of me harming myself--in ways that were very violent and would not be my method of choice if ever (never) I decided to actually do something. It was frightening and disturbing and I could not stop them from coming into my mind, It fed my depression and shame and made it all so much worse. You DO NOT want to go there. Stop them NOW.

Do not wait until you start formulating a plan. That's not the danger line. Those thoughts are not normal or healthy. If you had a scary looking mole, would you wait for carcenoma to make your arm wither up before removing it?

Why do you ahve to wait until you ARE "at risk"? By then you might not want to change your mind or look for help. Get it NOW while you are willing. I was so ashamed I never told my T, but told the psych she sent me to for Prozac. He could see right through me, he knew what was going on in my pointed little head. And even though I had no plan, he was very concerned simply because of the misery it was causing me.

Tell your T that you are concerned about it and would like to address it.
John Galt
Formerly marc, rutheless
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 1601

« Reply #6 on: November 28, 2005, 10:35:42 AM »


The fact that you are asking this question means that there is something to be concerned about.

I would think that maybe a different therapist or psychiatrist is a good idea because obviously no therapist knows all either.

My feeling here just reading between the lines is that you are not suicidal but you are very depressed just to be asking this here.I think it is important to get someone who does not blow this feeling off.

Take care of yourself my brother,

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 649

« Reply #7 on: November 28, 2005, 01:08:18 PM »

I can't understand why I'm taking this so hard.

She was a cute girl and treated me like a king for 2 years (best ever) and then treated badly for 2 years (worst ever).

She has  a history of failed realtionships (friends, work, relatives)... .left her own kids behind at one point... .had morphed her personality several times to fit her needs... .

Furthermore... .she is off hunting another man and I doubt my name has crossed her mind in weeks.  I remember how she persued me.

Yet somehow something has a hold on me.
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Posts: 1610

« Reply #8 on: November 28, 2005, 01:12:19 PM »

Hi Skip. ? I know how you feel. ? I was in your place some months ago. ? Several times I made suicide gestures... .sort of planning it out. ? I hurt so much that I just wanted to be dead. ? So, yes, I know what you are feeling and thinking. ? I was there too. ? It sucks. ? It is so awful. ? I used to ache so much that I would cry and scream and pray for it to end. ? If I owned a gun, I would not be here now.

But, Skip, here is something to hold on to. ? I am still here and I am not suicidal or depressed anymore. ? It took a long time, but I assume that if even I can get over it, then you can. ? I say "even I" because I am so sensitive and alone in the world. ? If an extremely sensitive, hurt, alone man can get over the loss of his true love, and the indignity of being discarded out of the blue by a seductress, then you can too. ? It just takes time.

Skip, get active. ? Get busy. ? See people. ? Do things with people. ? Get out. ? Date. ? Flirt. ? Talk. ? Make new experiences. ? That will help erase the old. ? One day you will be able to look back and know what happened to you but not feel depressed and hurt, damaged by it. ? One day.

Skip, my best friend killed himself because of his borderline girlfriend's treatment of him. ? She cheated and lied and led him on like crazy. ? That went on for a year, and he couldn't take it anymore. ? But, Skip, you are free of the monster. ? Stay free. ? Time will heal you. ? Every day I miss my friend and wish he was here to do things with and to enjoy life. ? Don't go down that path.

Skip, come over. ? We'll go out and have fun.
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 1497

« Reply #9 on: November 28, 2005, 01:14:53 PM »

Skip, during the first 2 or 3 months out of my relationship, I also experienced some fleeting thoughts of suicide. I never had a plan, never thought of the when, where or how. It was just a feeling that I would rather be dead then have to have to continue to feel the horrific pain I was in. I began to look for hope anywhere I could find it. The smallest gestures of kindness and caring from others became monumental events for me. Something I could hold onto from one moment to the next.

Is this the kind of suicidal feelings your having? The kind where you don't actually want to die, but you just long to escape the pain you are feeling. I can understand that, and I can also tell you that the pain won't last. Definitely do tell your therapist that you are concerned about your thinking. Perhaps she didn't realise that this is a serious worry of yours. And be with the ones you love and let them love you and care for you. It took me several weeks before I broke down and let my family see how much pain I was in, but when I did they gave me so much love and support. And you know I didn't think they would, I had never thought of my family as being very loving or supportive, but they came through for me when I needed them.

If your family isn't there for you, then lean on friends, your therapist... .whomever. Just don't suffer alone and let yourself feel hopeless. If you have never been suicidal before, the feeling you are having now probably won't be lasting either, but don't just wait to see how bad it gets, get out there and find the support you need.
« Reply #10 on: November 28, 2005, 01:26:42 PM »

and I doubt my name has crossed her mind in weeks.?  

Hi Skip... .thats the part right there that is the key to alot of what you are struggling with.

Many things work in reverse than what we are used to... .the things that are logical to us don't work in the world of BPD relationships.

It can take awhile sometimes to get used to left is right and right is left... .that up is down and down is reall up.

When it does sink in,it will be really clear to you and easy to see.

It will be sad to realize that such a world exist in someone but you will know then that you really are still whole and always were for the most part.

We did give too much of ourselves away... .trying to fill the love bucket they have with no bottom in it.

But to get back to just that one thing that is on your mind
and I doubt my name has crossed her mind in weeks.

Shift now in reverse... .If that were true then there would have not been the fear she has to not just leave but to stay away.

its the fear of intimacy ( that in a healthy world brings us together) that in their world will drive us apart.

It's just the pure science of this mental illness, and their highly developed skill of denial appears to us that we dont and never existed but to them haunts them in places only they can see.
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 649

« Reply #11 on: November 28, 2005, 04:41:47 PM »

It's just the pure science of this mental illness, and their highly developed skill of denial appears to us that we dont and never existed but to them haunts them in places only they can see.

Gary, I know this is part of my hopelessness. 

I've read 5 books, posted on this site for weeks, talked with two different therapists... .I think I understand her reality now... .I could probably recreate "her" in someone else by using her manipulation tactics, or consume some lovestruck women to soothe my needs without any regard for her outcome... .I know the words, I know  the tactics... .and I know they work.

I feel I know her reality more than my own now. This is freightening.

I don't really know what is real anymore.  I don't know what was real in the past. I have nightmares that her boys never loved me. That every realtionship I ever had was "false".

Love was a simple concept to me before... .

I didn't want this experience.

But just as much, I don't want this knowledge.   I think her boys are learning it too... .at least one of them.

I don't want to be asking myself the rest of my life if I'm doing it to someone else... .questioning everytime i say I love you... .I don't want to be asking myself if someone is doing it to me.

I've experience a suicide (her ex), watched her totally alienate her boys against their stepmother (they are NC with her since her husbands death), alienate her boys against their fathers realatives (they are NC with them since his death), not returning calls her sweet and loving aunt while she was shuttling her boyfriend going back and forth to (recenlty diagnosed) chemo for throat cancer... .this womens has always been their for her (BTW, the aunt lost her first husband to throat cancer).  This is not by far, all of it. I don't know this much hurt could come from one person... .

I remember a line in a Don Henley song... ."everything I thought I knew, I have to learn again"

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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 338

« Reply #12 on: November 28, 2005, 04:55:50 PM »


I know how you feel, I'm going through it myself... Me too: several times a week the pain and reality of it becomes so unbearable that I will be crying and think, "Oh God, I just want to DIE!  I can't take this!"  And a fleeting moment, I consider it - though I don't do anything for two reasons:  I could never do that to the people I love (especially my kids), and, what if I do it and it doesn't end up solving anything - but I end up taking the pain with me?

I think when there is a heavy mourning process going on, fleeting thoughts such as this are normal, and we shouldn't beat ourselves up over it.  I read somewhere that it's ok to FEEL like it, as long as you don't ACT on it!

I'm there with you, buddy!  I will keep you in my prayers.  From reading your many posts, I can tell you are a wonderful guy and deserve the best of love.
« Reply #13 on: November 28, 2005, 05:07:11 PM »

I remember back 4 maybe 5 years ago when we shared the same slippers and walked down the same hallways.

Fortunatly for me it led me into a hospital and a 30 day outpatient program that gave me a breather in a sense. Before that everyday for around 3 or 4 months everyday was a choice I would make to either go on or end it.

The reason I keep saying (mabye 4 to 5 or 3 to 4) is because of the dense fog back then when time was just a loop. At least a month or 3 are a total blank. and I refer to friends if I even care to recall.

But I remember trying to put it in words what it was like and I remember comparing it to a stage on Broadway where for years we were the starr and everyone knew our name.

Then one day you go in the back door to the theater for rehersal and the door man stops you and says "where do you think your going" and you say "Joe ... .what are you kidding... .its me" he still trys to stop you but you get to the stage and everyone is there as you enter and the director stops and says "Who are you and how did you get in here." ? the rest of the cast also acts as if they dont know you. ? You feel its a big joke till they through you out on the street.

No one even there takes a second look at you where you once were the starr that everyone knew... .Its Twilight Zone.

Nothing seems real anymore and you question everything and just curl up in a corner.

ick... .that was a bad time, but it passed because of good therapy and all the knowledge I learned here.

I was a good man too and we still are.

It's just not done yet.
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Posts: 407

« Reply #14 on: November 28, 2005, 06:01:56 PM »

Certainly, the thoughts and the words of wisdom that have been shared with you are invaluable and tremendously heart-felt ... .I hope you read them again and again ... .

Skip - - You are loved ... .You ARE a good man ... .

Healing is slow ... .You are exhausted ... .Struggling, as you seek the strength that lives within you ... .Overcoming the wounds that have paralyzed your spirit ... .In time - Time, my friend - you will rise from the dust, shake yourself off, and will take pride in the parts that stick - for they will serve as the reminders of what you have survived ... .And your heart will beat ... .

You are altogether, altogether, altogether lovely ... .

I take delight in you on this day ... .and tomorrow ... .and the next day ... .and the next ... .

So much more to say - But first must get busy with some special, meditative thoughts being sent on behalf of you to a Higher Power than me ... .

Holding you close, Skip ... .


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