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How to communicate after a contentious divorce... Following a contentious divorce and custody battle, there are often high emotion and tensions between the parents. Research shows that constant and chronic conflict between the parents negatively impacts the children. The children sense their parents anxiety in their voice, their body language and their parents behavior. Here are some suggestions from Dean Stacer on how to avoid conflict.
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Poll
Question: Did you leave your BPD or did BPD leave you?
BPD left me [BPD decision]
BPD left me [I forced it]
Mutual decision [overtly communicated]
Mutual decision [just stopped communicating]
I left BPD, [BPD forced it]
I left BPD [My decision]
**Not Ended [In NC]
**Not Ended [contact]
....None Apply to Me

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Author Topic: SURVEY | How do BPD relationships finally end?  (Read 41126 times)
Skippy
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« on: November 30, 2005, 09:22:10 AM »

I'm posting this to help someone deep in a BPD relationship.

How many of us proactively terminated a BPD relationship because it was the healthy thing to do (as opposed to just dealing with the inevitable end).  

How many of us are spurned lovers?  We keep trying to make it work... one more time.

Please share how your relationship actually ended.



See list of all romantic relationship surveys
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egghead
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« Reply #1 on: November 30, 2005, 09:25:46 AM »

Mine left Sunday, went out with a guy, and moved in with him that night... .she hasn't been back since, except to get her clothes and personals... .she won't be back.



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Hurtin

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« Reply #2 on: November 30, 2005, 09:52:30 AM »

I had a friend I suspect has BPD - meets most of the criteria.

I hung in there for a long time but when she informed me how I had enabled her to live the life she has been living, that she couldn't understand how anyone could count on me, etc., etc... .I felt like she slapped my face and I realized, lightbulb moment, that I never mattered to her; our friendship only existed in my mind.

We were back and forth for a long time (4 years) but I decided it was enough. I know I didn't fail - I was a good friend, I just picked someone that was a shell to help... .
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TeaAmongRoses
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« Reply #3 on: November 30, 2005, 01:22:05 PM »

I left my BPD or NPD - he was undiagnosed.  Actually asked him to leave and he did.  Since he never paid rent and didn't have a job in that town it was the most workable solution.  We were together 12 years.  I left him because I knew it was the healthy thing to do.  He was very sad and heartbroken but besides a few re-engagement attemps, he accepted my decision.  I've had no contact with him in 8 months. 

Tea   
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karategrrl
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« Reply #4 on: November 30, 2005, 01:28:04 PM »

Well, I moved out when my ex left to meet her online "soulmate" in another state... .She had broken up with me while she was serving in Kuwait (at Christmas time). I wanted to wait until she came back to move, because I expected her to buy me out of the house.

She came back in July and left for the soulmate after being back a week... .When reading her E-mails, I read that she planned to evict me and our son as soon as she got back... .I didn't wait around, I moved in 48 hours... .Not only did she keep all the equity, she reported my car stoled, so I was forced to give it back... .

We're still in limited contact because of our son, but that should end soon... .We're going to mediation this month and that should end it all... .
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JoannaK
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« Reply #5 on: November 30, 2005, 01:43:06 PM »

My exh first filed for divorce in 1996, then he changed his mind.  We got back together and into marriage counseling in early 1997.  In mid 2000, just when things seemed to really be going well, I found some truly horrible creepy stuff that he was involved with on the Internet.  I wanted to talk about it, but he decided not to return to marriage counseling.  As he refused to talk about what was going on, I finally filed for divorce and got him out of the house... .18 months later, in late 2001.

So I ultimately left him... .I don't think he would have gone if I hadn't pushed him out; he would have just hung around making me miserable.
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pip
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« Reply #6 on: November 30, 2005, 01:49:42 PM »

still with my W

been together for a lonnng time ,almost 25 years,

committed

sometimes i think i should be committed !

things are a lot better but it will be good when she stops lapsing into poor little victim

were working on it

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headjam
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« Reply #7 on: December 01, 2005, 05:44:47 AM »

He left me for someone else. Then raged at me because "I just cut off!"

No contact now.

Glad its over.
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wish_2_have
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« Reply #8 on: December 01, 2005, 11:27:18 AM »

nothing is going to change, so trying to get away.
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Sapphire
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« Reply #9 on: December 01, 2005, 12:26:36 PM »

He left me when he moved out of state and left me behind. But, I decided to end it for good when he started pulling his ___ again. By that time I had had enough, and didn't want to continue being in a destructive relationship.

So, I "abandoned" him, but he basically forced me into it.

It wasn't a mutual decision, b/c we never really "talked about it", b/c he wouldn't allow it. He just started in with the silent treatment crap, and I never got a chance for any closure. I just got the blame, and he ran to someone else.

~SD~
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jdee
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« Reply #10 on: December 01, 2005, 05:24:22 PM »

he's 'left' so many times i can't count.  usually we go thru a close, warm, loving period and then he emails me (yes. really -- and we've been together for 2+ years !) and tells me it's over because he doesn't love me anymore.  a few times he slept with his ex (who he left because he said she was a "pathetic loser" because of his looney "sexual impulses" and complete inability to be alone.

i usually go back to try to stabilize things, fix it, work it out... .blah, blah, blah... .not this time.  i SO deserve better.  n/c no matter what.
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Skippy
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« Reply #11 on: December 02, 2005, 11:31:48 AM »

She just didn't return my last phone call.
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been there
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« Reply #12 on: December 03, 2005, 02:02:55 PM »

   


    Still married to Tina, for over 30years.

    Mark
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Skippy
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« Reply #13 on: December 03, 2005, 04:02:06 PM »

Still married to Tina, for over 30years.

Mark

Have you two learned to cope and live a productive life.  God bless you.
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been there
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« Reply #14 on: December 03, 2005, 05:21:28 PM »



   Skip,

   I don't know if you can really cope with BPD? Either us nons or the ones who have it.

   The only reason our relationship even had a chance, was because Tina took responsibility for herself, sought help, and followed through.

   Take care, Mark

   
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Skippy
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« Reply #15 on: December 03, 2005, 08:30:27 PM »

I'm glad to hear any success stories in this world.  There is so much sadness and dispair.
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mourning33
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« Reply #16 on: December 03, 2005, 09:11:54 PM »

I don't know if mine will ever "really" end.  It has been months since we last spoke.  She got married on my birthday a couple of weeks ago to someone she met and got married to in three months.  I thought that would be the end of it, but yesterday I got another seven text messages from her.  I don't read them, so I don't know what they say but I truly question whether this "finally ending" is in the cards.
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Janthina
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« Reply #17 on: December 03, 2005, 09:53:06 PM »

I don't know which one to check.

She told me she'd not drink. For several years she didn't. For the last two years she drank every day. I snapped at her. Told her I could not take it anymore.

S0 she ghosted me. But slept by my side every night, hanging on to me, but to contain me, not love me.

After a week or so, she brought the man that she had switched her allegance to into our home. It took my shellshocked brain a while to understand she was screwing him, as she was queer, or so she'd said.

She helped the creep molest me.

I freaked. I made him leave. I started sleeping in another room.

She ran after him and spent her days screwing him and getting drunk with him. Came home nights to rage at me and terrorize me.

Initially she wanted me around, as a pet, as a housekeeper, as a babysitter. Hell, let's be blunt, as a slave.

I wouldn't have it.

She raged and stalked and was horrible. She was drunker and drunker more and more often.

I called her family for help. They blamed me, bullied me and threatened to call the police on me. Well, her sister Linda did.

I left, everything. I left.

The BPD won. She got everything. She got it all.

Not me, but she didn't want me anymore. I was all used up. She'd stolen everything she could from me.

And I didn't want her anymore either. She proved herself a monster.

Love to loathing in under six weeks.

Check whichever choices on the poll that you think fit.
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PolskiNJ
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« Reply #18 on: December 06, 2005, 12:11:15 AM »

It was a long time coming (maybe the last 2 years of a 4 year relationship) but I was always trying to make it work and get her help and I wanted to stay together. But it became harder and harder for me to want to stay and care about the relationship because of how abusive (verbally) and how unreasonable she became. Then it really blew up over the last few months and she wanted me to move out but only for a temporary break (of 2 months - her time frame?) because she knew we would get married but we just need a break from each other. I knew better and I knew she would be with other people trying to find a replacement the second I left. But I was wrong. I told her I was not coming back then and I was moving all my stuff out and she went out that night and got with someone else (before I even did get out the door) Then lied to me about it and kept telling me how much she loves me and how she knows one day we will still get married. So yea I left but I was forced out in a big way. Not sure if she kept trying to string me along at the end like that because none of her now many hookups never wanted more then a one night stand or because she really feels that way. But I have finally started to not care about her and what she thinks and why she thinks that way and who she is going home with ect... .ect... .NONE of that matters because no matter what I can never trust her again and would never get back with her. I DO NOT deserve to be treated the way she treated me and I know I can do a lot better. Everyone on this board can. Nobody should ever be treated the way people with BPD can treat us... .the ones that are supposed to be the people they love. Because in my book if that is love then I am just fine without it.
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VanessaG
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« Reply #19 on: March 05, 2010, 05:01:51 PM »

When I read the options, all I could think was "which ending?"

There was no option for "all of the above."   Smiling (click to insert in post)

Our very last contact was me telling him that we could not be in contact in any way, shape or form, and certainly not "friends."  I never heard a response.  That was 3 months ago.  A bit more, in fact.

VanessaG

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havana
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« Reply #20 on: March 05, 2010, 05:06:11 PM »

I'm afraid mine will only end when one of us dies.
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Life is short. Shorter for some than others.
jardin
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« Reply #21 on: March 05, 2010, 07:15:26 PM »

(There's something very disconcerting about reading posts from 2005 and thinking - man, that sounds so familiar.  The effect of this disease on so many people... .so many lives... .the amount of damage done... .and the amount of lives left in shambles for essentially the same exact symptoms... .is just staggering.  It can be very frightening.)
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Indigo Sky
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« Reply #22 on: March 05, 2010, 10:09:16 PM »

BPD left me.

About 2 months before her decision I told her I accepted her for the way she is and felt calm inside, I had a good life with her son, mum, relatives and friends, I accepted who she is complete with the cheating and lieing, I admit when she was not depressed it was an amazing adventure, lots of fun, she could be the center of everyones universe... .but when she went down... .she crashed... .

She moved her long time lover / boyfriend in a couple weeks after our divorce.

3 months later she is alone, no idea who left who.

She invited me back.

I believe with all my heart that BPD is a physical problem within the human brain, beleive one day a cure will be found, therapy will be needed still, but I believe with a cure they will be much more open to therapy... .

I didnt return, if I hadnt have found a different home... .and a new friend... .I probably would have went back... .

And I agree... .for most of them they dont end... .we still talk... .she wants to meet... .I am happy just giving her what ever verbal support I can over the phone... .doubt if I will see her again... .hope she finds someone to take care of her... .she knows how I feel... .

Believe with all my heart that BPD is a physical problem within the human brain, that in the future there will be a cure, therapy will still be needed, but with the cure they will be more open to treatment... .
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lifeisgoodx10
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« Reply #23 on: March 05, 2010, 10:34:11 PM »

I left BPDxh. It was my decision. I got really tired of seeing his profile on dating sites and fighting about it. I got tired of his drinking. I got tired of the other woman sending scantily clad pictures to his e-mail. I got tired of having no friends. I got tired of not seeing my FOO. I got tired of his not working.  I got tired of picturing the future not any better but maybe even worse. No way to live.

p.
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Janell

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« Reply #24 on: April 25, 2010, 09:32:59 AM »

My relationship ended after he got mad at something a couple of my friends posted on Facebook (NOT about him or us).  He gave me the silent treatment for several weeks after that, and then finally told me there were "too many things about me that he couldn't deal with".

It wasn't the first silent treatment, or the first break-up.  Any time I said or did something that showed me to be human (i.e. not perfect), he would get angry and withdraw and there would be no communication until he'd "calmed down".  Each time he would tell me it was over, then eventually he would contact me and want to start things up again (except for this last time).

Even though he is the one who technically ended the relationship, I wouldn't go back to him if he changed his mind.  It had reached the point where the pain, anxiety and stress far outweighed the pleasure.

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DAS
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« Reply #25 on: April 25, 2010, 09:40:06 AM »

I picked that she forced it.

She slept with another guy in my bed. It was a no decision for me (although, yes it was my decisions consequently). I hold her 100% responsible for the way things fell out. If she had just been honest with me, things could have worked out differently.
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poppybb
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« Reply #26 on: April 25, 2010, 10:20:43 AM »

sent an email outlining why i didnt think it was healthy to be together any longer , he ignored the part where i said i want to part now . instead focusing on another issue at hand , i finally say is there any point in talking now ... he says no just go , i adore you , im here for you . i just said yes i agree im going to go thanks for understanding , he says , i do , i love you , bye for now ... .so im not sure , i did initiate the ending but i think he will think he ended it for his ego sake but really i had just had enough ... .he sensed it and thinks by saying go he has done me a favor ( martyr ) , but we all know yes he has done me a favor .
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Penguinectomy
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« Reply #27 on: April 25, 2010, 10:46:36 AM »

It took me one and a half years to leave my uBPDxh. Told him shortly after an anniversary that I wanted a divorce, and got the  full rage and threats, so stepped back, moved into the second bedroom and tried to figure things out and leave carefully, which is what took the majority of the time.  Saved money, got a lawyer, made sure our finances were all tracked and written out so that his family could take over once I left, and gave him written one month notice.  Lost a lot of my posessions, including pictures of my son and my own childhood pictures, but getting out was the most important thing.

The relationship with the guy I started seeing a few months later, who also had some kind of PD and was an alcoholic (although it took me nearly 2 years to figure it out) worked out differently.  We got engaged after 6 months, but I insisted that we work on a "10 year plan" to get our finances in order and our divorces finalized before we married.  (That tells me that on some level I knew something was wrong, but wouldn't let myself  acknowledge it.)  Finally, his drinking got so bad that I never saw him sober, and when he lost his job over it, I panicked and fled.  Dumped him over the phone, and never saw or spoke to him again. 

My relationships since then have all been casual, and I actually haven't dated anyone in the last 6 years.  Just the thought of it makes my stomach clench.  I really worry that I will attract another PD'd guy, and don't trust myself to handle the aftermath of that without shutting myself off from other people completely.
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VB
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« Reply #28 on: April 25, 2010, 11:21:35 AM »

I made the decision to leave him after 3 years of verbal, emotional and low grade physical abuse (that I could see escalating). Right now all he does is email me. I am LC (I sometimes reply if he asks a relevant question), but I am planning on full NC as from tomorrow. I am happier, healthier and look and feel better without carrying his weight around.
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Manon46
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« Reply #29 on: April 25, 2010, 11:42:11 AM »

He left me, moved out after a suicide attempt on my request, came back for the weekends/hollidays, kept on raging blaming than he found another victom, practically ignored me for a whole year, delaying divorce, promising heaven, moved in with her,finalized the divorce, forced out with her, tried to get back in with me again, than silence... .

Promised to pay me money he owns me, he did one term, don't know where he is, or with who, sais he lives with his parents, bit text and email contact over money, sending his love with it, asking how i am.

I am answering only the financial questions, doesn't give him an answer how i am, don't ask him how he is...

Guess will hear more from him... don't know why he is so friendly and keeping his promise about money  ?
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