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How to communicate after a contentious divorce... Following a contentious divorce and custody battle, there are often high emotion and tensions between the parents. Research shows that constant and chronic conflict between the parents negatively impacts the children. The children sense their parents anxiety in their voice, their body language and their parents behavior. Here are some suggestions from Dean Stacer on how to avoid conflict.
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Poll
Question: Did you leave your BPD or did BPD leave you?
BPD left me [BPD decision]
BPD left me [I forced it]
Mutual decision [overtly communicated]
Mutual decision [just stopped communicating]
I left BPD, [BPD forced it]
I left BPD [My decision]
**Not Ended [In NC]
**Not Ended [contact]
....None Apply to Me

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Author Topic: SURVEY | How do BPD relationships finally end?  (Read 8567 times)
costadelmar

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« Reply #150 on: May 01, 2013, 11:48:14 AM »

Abite,

Every woman I've ever been in relationship with we've always parted as friends too.  My exBPDgf though not even close.  It's such a sad disorder when I found out last week what BPD was I went from feeling angry at her to simple pity for her.
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Waifed
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« Reply #151 on: January 04, 2014, 09:06:36 PM »

Interesting results. I would have thought the BPD leaving would be higher based on stories from recent members.
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MellowOddFellow

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« Reply #152 on: January 04, 2014, 09:12:58 PM »

i left my expwBPD, it was my decision to absolutely stop everything. but reality was she had given up a while time ago and i was fortunate to realize i was being just her side toy. im glad i opened my eyes and got out in time!
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santa
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« Reply #153 on: January 04, 2014, 09:30:41 PM »

I guess I'll go with BPD left me (I forced it).

When she left, she begged (according to her) me to come with her... . and she did leave as a reaction to me having her served with custody papers. She insists I broke up with her when I filed against her.

However, she is the one that left.

There's been a lot of finger pointing. My position is that if she wanted us to stay together, it would have happened. So, I'll go with she left me, but I guess I did force it.
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Waifed
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« Reply #154 on: January 04, 2014, 09:33:10 PM »

I left mine. It was by default. I caught her cheating, and told her she was on borrowed time. Her fear of abandonment kicked in, she became very clingy but I could tell she was also frantically trying to find a replacement. I ended it before she got the chance.
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Ironmanrises
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« Reply #155 on: January 04, 2014, 11:14:05 PM »

My exUBPDgf left me both times in both rounds of relationship. 3 times if you count a pseudo discard in friendship stage. Just gone.
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Perfidy
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« Reply #156 on: January 04, 2014, 11:39:48 PM »

This is very strange. I don't really know what happened. I mean,she finally left me,but I tried to end it long before she left because I knew it was unhealthy. I cannot believe that she left because she thought it was the healthy thing to do. No. She didn't have much healthy behavior, besides, it was over long before she left. There was a point where I sure didn't care about her at all because it was so unhealthy. Amazing. When she left it was like having open heart surgery without anesthesia. Inconsistent with my reason.  I have a few relationships to compare this to and the pwBPD one is by far the strangest thing I've ever participated in. I don't know which choice to make in the pole.
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goldylamont
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« Reply #157 on: January 05, 2014, 03:19:10 AM »

i left of my own volition, however i checked "I left BPD, [BPD forced it]" since i really didn't want the r/s to end; however i trusted my intuition and ended things. i told a friend that "I had to end the r/s. I felt like we were both on a freight train headed for a brick wall and i wanted to stop before i hit that wall." for me, that would have been waiting around for her to devalue me enough to justify cheating. i 'think' i ended it before any cheating happened but who the hell knows when you're dealing with someone capable of lying so much.
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RecycledNoMore
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« Reply #158 on: January 05, 2014, 03:57:13 AM »

I left him

After I learned what BPD was, and realised thats what was going on inside his head, his behavior became intolerable, I knew he would not seek help, and even if he did, chances were that my life would be one big long drama after another, with man who didnt love me, he just needed me to fill a gap left by his mum, he couldnt even be bothered sticking to the anger management classes, he freely admitted he went there to socialise and eat the free sandwiches.

During one of his frequent rages one day, something snapped inside me, I knew, I felt it in my body, it was time to go.

That was in august 2013

And here I am.Smiling (click to insert in post)

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maxen
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« Reply #159 on: January 06, 2014, 07:46:30 AM »

When she left it was like having open heart surgery without anesthesia. Inconsistent with my reason.

same. we could have talked it out, but no, she did it the way she's done it before except that of course i thought it wouldn't happen like that with us, we had vows, we were adults, etc.
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Pingo
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« Reply #160 on: November 02, 2014, 02:52:29 PM »

I asked him to move out.  After a 4 yr r/s and 1 yr of marriage.  I had asked him to move out before we actually got married (3 yrs into the r/s) but it was so upsetting that I thought it meant we were to work things out.  We went back to couple counselling.  We got married (eloped).  Things were awesome for a few mths after the wedding.  Then the old problems surfaced.  Jealousy of my kids (from a previous r/s), invading my privacy, reading my fb messages & texts, emails, my journal.  Checking up on me, dropping by work 'unexpectedly'.  Raging and silent treatments over my 'bad behavior'.  Letting me pay for everything while he made excuse after excuse for not getting a job.  Watching me go into deeper and deeper debt.  We actually recycled after we split last February and a month apart.  I once again hoped with counselling we could somehow salvage things.  Two months later I asked him to move out again.  I realised things were not going to change and I needed to save my sanity and that of my children.  I'm 4 1/2 mths out now and have not seen him since.  Been full NC (no emails, texts, etc.) for 2 mths.
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Hawk Ridge
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« Reply #161 on: November 02, 2014, 03:14:07 PM »

Amazing #'s that make me feel less rejected and alone.  She left twice, both times after making the decisions based on her scoreboard withi her head.  I didn't see it coming. What's crazy is that I still cry almost every day, missing the good times and not the crazy making difficult ones.  This poll makes me feel less alone, less disposed, less less-than.  Thank you
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fred6
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« Reply #162 on: November 02, 2014, 03:31:31 PM »

My exBPD suddenly and horribly ended our 3 year r/s. There were red flags and her up and down roller coaster emotions. I did have my gut feelings that something wasn't right. But after 3 years, I kind of got used to it and thought that I was being paranoid. Everything seemed ok from my point of view. Then she quit her job, quit her Zoloft cold turkey, split black her 10+ year friends from her ex job, split black her 17 yo son and kicked him out, started cheating on me, broke up with me, and told me to find a home. Once all of that happened, she totally detached from me and treated me like I didn't exist and like I did something horrible to her.

It took roughly 2 months for me to move out. Those 2 months were the worst time of my life. She would go out to spend the night with new supply and come back the next morning while I sat there and watched her do it. During a rage she told me that I was worthless and a mistake. One time I told her that I forgive her and she said, "I didn't ask you to forgive me". I offered to go to therapy. I offered to do anything to try and work things out with her. She never communicated any major problems that were threatening to the relationship. She wouldn't even talk to me about what happened. Just, "it's over, when are you going to be moved out". I'm doing somewhat better at the present time, but good god. What the heck happened? I'll never know.
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going places
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« Reply #163 on: November 02, 2014, 04:47:00 PM »

BPD left me [BPD decision]    

Aug 2011, he left when I busted him having an affair

He was gone a week. I begged him back... .First in a series of HUGE bad mistakes over 3 years.

BPD left me [I forced it]    

July 2014 I threw him out of the house (divorce final, June 2014)

Mutual decision [overtly communicated]

I told him if he wanted this damn divorce so bad, then we will live like divorced people.

Separate. And he can LEAVE.

Mutual decision [just stopped communicating]    

I long for this day.

I left BPD, [BPD forced it]

I filed for divorce because he intentionally and diabolically made things so bad it was either file or 'eliminate' myself... .yeah, he had me that low. 1 week before it was final, 'we' called it off... .

I left BPD [My decision]

April 2014, after realizing that I was being horribly abused, *I* filed for divorce.

**Not Ended [In NC]    

The divorce is final, but the house has not sold. I am still in the home with the kids, and I still have to communicate with him with issues pertaining about the house. AND THAT IS IT. AND it's on MY terms.

**Not Ended [contact]

See above

... .None Apply to Me    

The above is why I selected "none apply to me" because ALL apply to me!
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going places
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« Reply #164 on: November 02, 2014, 04:49:36 PM »

BPD left me [BPD decision]    

Aug 2011, he left when I busted him having an affair

He was gone a week. I begged him back... .First in a series of HUGE bad mistakes over 3 years.

BPD left me [I forced it]    

July 2014 I threw him out of the house (divorce final, June 2014)

Mutual decision [overtly communicated]

I told him if he wanted this damn divorce so bad, then we will live like divorced people.

Separate. And he can LEAVE.

Mutual decision [just stopped communicating]    

I long for this day.

I left BPD, [BPD forced it]

I filed for divorce because he intentionally and diabolically made things so bad it was either file or 'eliminate' myself... .yeah, he had me that low. 1 week before it was final, 'we' called it off... .

I left BPD [My decision]

April 2014, after realizing that I was being horribly abused, *I* filed for divorce. Again

**Not Ended [In NC]    

The divorce is final, but the house has not sold. I am still in the home with the kids, and I still have to communicate with him with issues pertaining about the house. AND THAT IS IT. AND it's on MY terms.

**Not Ended [contact]

See above

... .None Apply to Me    

The above is why I selected "none apply to me" because ALL apply to me!

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Butterfly44
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« Reply #165 on: November 02, 2014, 05:09:03 PM »

Mine moved in with me for a total of three days after almost two years of trying to make things work, then got me falsely arrested for assault. She was gone when I got back from being in a prison cell for 24hrs. Haven't heard anything from her since. 
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clydegriffith
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« Reply #166 on: November 03, 2014, 09:53:22 AM »

As far as the BPDx i crossed paths with go, all her relationshps end by her doing something totally insane. Never a mutual breakup and she's never single for very long.
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RedDove
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« Reply #167 on: November 03, 2014, 12:08:12 PM »

At the end of the 4 year encounter, I ended it. However, during the Rollercoaster ride of recycles, here's how it went:

Oct, 2010 - ex BPDbf left a vm for me that he had a contagious infection and we couldn't see one another for awhile. So, he ended it.

Dec, 2010 - ex BPDbf reconnected and we recycled.

Jan, 2011 - ex BPDbf had knee surgery. Told me he was in pain and sleeping a lot, not to come visit him at the hosp. I went to the hosp. Found another woman sitting on his bedside stroking his arm. He claimed it was an ex who still had feelings. I ended it. Just a few months ago when I unraveled all the lies, I found out he was seeing both of us.

May, 2011 - I reached out to ex BPDbf and "we" recycled and got back together.

March 2012 - ex BPDbf had 2nd knee surgery. Didn't tell me the surgery was scheduled until I was on a business trip and 2,000 miles away. He recovered at his ex wife's house (red flag). Didn't see him for 2-3 months. So I guess he ended it.

May 2012 - ex BPDbf invites me to family wedding, then uninvited me 3 days prior. I finally start to get I'm not important to him, nor a part of his life. Begin researching NPD.

August 2012 - ex BPDbf first rage (he's a waif/hermit) over me wanting us to spend more time together. Silent treatment iniated by ex BPDbf for 2 weeks. Things were never the same after the rage. We saw each other less and less and the push/pull became extreme. We were in limbo.

May 2013 - ex BPDbf's Mother passes away from natural death. I try to be there to support him, but he pushes me away. He goes into depression and I see him once a month.

August 2013 - ex BPD bf's brother in law dies from cancer. Again, I try to support and comfort him, but I am once again pushed away. He goes into a deeper depression and we only text, and don't see each other for several months.

2014 - I finally reach my breaking point. My needs are not being met and when I attempt to talk to him, ex BPDbf is projecting, gas lighting, disappearing, making excuses to cancel plans, telling elaborate stories that don't make sense. I then try to communicate my feelings and needs via email, which is the only way I know how in order to avoid his projection and gas lighting.

May, 2014 - He contacts me, tells me things will be better, I'm the love of his life, we talk about committment, make plans for summer vacations, and we are intimate. After, I find a slip of paper sitting on his coffee table with my name & cell and OW's name & cell. I uncover the lies, deceit, cheating. I end it. He keeps texting I love you, I miss you, he wishes he could reverse what happened (lies & cheating). End of May, I'm laid off from my job.

June, 2014- We meet at a local restaurant and I confront him. He admits to being an alcoholic, addicted to pain killers and not stable, and finally to having borderline personality disorder. I end it, go NC and begin my recovery journey. Lots of Reading, researching, understanding my FOO issues.

Sept 2014 - ex BPDbf contacts me on a dating site I had "just" joined. He sent two messages on the daring site. I blocked him. He shut down his dating Profile one day later. He has continued to email and text me. I responded to a few, but my firm message to him is... ."You are no longer a part of my life. I closed that book and I am moving on to a new chapter in my life."

The OW is still in play, I unblocked and checked his Facebook and she's on his friends list. He's devaluing/discarding and frantically looking for an old or new attachment.

I've known my ex BPDbf for 30 years, we went to high school together and live in the same small town (1/2 mile away). I will always care about him and love him, but, I know I can't be with him. I didn't cause his disorder, I know I can't control or live with it, and I can't cure it. He has to want to get better and seek treatment for himself. I continue to seek the help needed to understand my part and my FOO issues here on the site and via a lot of books. Hopefully when get a job and back to work I'll be able to afford therapy.









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parisian
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« Reply #168 on: November 12, 2014, 12:45:45 AM »

I ended it on the first occassion, after having a pretty difficult time with other aspects in my life, and having no support from her. It was New Year's Day and there was not even so much as a Happy New Year given to me. She told me she couldn't have a long term relation on account that I smoked (she smoked too but apparently there was an arbitrary limit imposed by her which represented 'too much'. My gut kept trying to tell me something was wrong. She raged at me when I was sick and couldn't come over her house one night. And then raged at me on her birthday that resulted in me leaving her place for my own sanity, and then having her tell me the next day that I had over-reacted.

The second time, I was just tired of her arguments, negative comments, complete lack of any empathy, agressive conversations at me and my friends when she was drunk, making me wait in a restaurant on Valentine's day by myself for half an hour because she was at drinks with her friends and 'had just got another one' followed a few hours later by her screaming at me at the restaurant. The complete absence of any discussion other than 'functional' things, her abandoning me at friends' events, nitpicking at me over silly things like how to empty a cat food packet or how to use a coffee machine. Her drunk Friday nights (and sometimes other nights during the week too). I just got tired of not being able to have any emotional intimacy, or happy conversation or any laughter (she would always 'correct' me when I tried to make silly, exaggerated jokes that clearly were just that). She told me she was coming over one night in 30 minutes, and six hours later I had still heard nothing from her. She turned up to an event with my friends, drunk, and got into aggressive converation with them and then took herself off to bed early. There was never an invitation to visit her family or friends in her hometown. There was never any declaration of love. I was pretty distressed the one occasion when she vomited and defacated in her bed on account of being so drunk. I've never in my life been with someone who got themselves so messy in that way.

So I wrote her an email trying to say I was hurt and upset by some of her behaviours. That I didn't understand and could we try and work on things. I also said I know there are things I need to work on too. She was dismissive of that and ignored my request to talk about it in private, instead, choosing to raise it when we were out in public one morning. Her response basically was that she couldn't change, no one had ever said any of those things before to her, and that I needed to think about whether the relationship was right for me.

So she gave me an ultimatum basically. I had to either accept how she was, or ... .  So I did. I thought healthy people in healthy relationships talk about things. They laugh. They share positiveness and emotional intimacy. They don't say they can't change. They don't give ultimatums.

So I decided that was it and calmly told her the reason I was leaving was because she had given me an ultimatum and I had in fact thought about whether the relationship was right for me, and that it wasn't. I got several texts with the 'be friends' comment. We were in touch for two weeks and then I went no contact for several more. We will see what happens but regardless, I will never return to that relationship nor 'be friends' with someone that can't show me the basics of kindness, love or respect.
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Agent_of_Chaos
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« Reply #169 on: November 12, 2014, 09:52:09 AM »

I'm posting this to help someone deep in a BPD relationship.

How many of us proactively terminated a BPD relationship because it was the healthy thing to do (as opposed to just dealing with the inevitable end).  

How many of us are spurned lovers?  We keep trying to make it work... one more time.

Please share how your relationship actually ended.

First she told me that she no longer feels the same for me.  2 hrs later She told me she was depressed and needed to move out of state.  She told me that she wanted to stand on her own two feet without me always having to save her but wanted to do a LONG DISTANCE relationship.  I was her world and we were going to make it through!  Told me I had her heart and to keep it safe.

Unaware of her being someone whom suffers from BPD, I naturally continued the good fight.  3 weeks into the LDR things took a turn.  She suddenly became distant and hard to reach.  4th week in she again told me that her feelings for me had  changed and she could no longer do an LDR.

Texted me after 5 days NC by spamming with baby pictures of our niece.

Sigh.
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Harlygirl
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« Reply #170 on: November 12, 2014, 10:10:56 AM »

There was always the sense that the bond was fragile... .and I felt as though, with time and trust that bond would deepen/strengthen. But I couldn't trust him because he was so easily scared off... .and I came to know that when he distanced himself from me... .he was looking to facilitate or recycle another relationship.  He once referred to his ex as "a good foundation" (talk about detached!) ... .?.Now I know he meant a foundation upon which to USE as a "springboard" to spring forward from, to another attachment... .and "fall back on" when the new attachment weakened or failed.  Ultimately... .with me... .he asked for space when He felt I had gotten too close... .reconnected with the ex... .broke off the relationship with me, while facilitating intermittent contact, until I ended the contact.  Sound familiar? :'(
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Recooperating
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« Reply #171 on: November 12, 2014, 10:13:52 AM »

We've been on and off for 14 years. Really serious for the last 2 years.

I left after 1,5 years dysfunction, 1 month before the wedding.

I went NC for 4 weeks then he reached out wanting to work at it (again).

We tried, me with new found info on BPD, upheld my boundaries, didnt engage in dysregulations. He dysregulated again over imaginary issues, I accepted the bu.

He tried to get back with me the last day, I said no thank you and went NC again. Now 1,5 month NC again and he's pretending to be happy with the woman he cheated on and said awefull and horrible things about. I'm still a bit of a mess, but slowly getting better.

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montenell

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« Reply #172 on: December 03, 2014, 11:29:19 AM »

For those of you that are broken up with a person with BPD who ended it? and what was the aha moment for you or last straw, or if they ended it what changed in the relationship that caused them to leave?
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harbour
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« Reply #173 on: December 03, 2014, 11:46:17 AM »

I ended it. After 8 months with him. He became more and more controlling, and the roller-coaster (black/white) accelerated the last few months. About two weeks ago he had one of his scary outbursts of rage. When I was standing there, again, taking all his hurting accusations, and I didn't dare say anything, when he told me to not say anything, I realized, I knew that I had reached my limit. When he had finished and left without another word, there was no doubt left in my mind. Because I realized that if I stayed and not respected that limit, I would already lose a bit of myself, and then I would gradually lose more and more of myself.

I wrote him a letter 9 days ago, telling him that I did not want this relationship any longer. I also explained how and why I had reached my limit.

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mrwigand
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« Reply #174 on: January 14, 2015, 10:39:41 PM »

I and my girlfriend with BPD only saw each for 4 or 5 months, but I think people on this board can understand that it was extremely emotional and chaotic even for that short period of time. Our relationship went through a very fitful period of disengagement, and I have to admit I was mainly responsible for that. It started when I broke up with her over an argument over her texting an emotionally and physically abusive ex in front of me too much, but I genuinely cared for and would always want to come back to try and make it work. To make her happy. By the end of the relationship though, I knew it wouldn't work for a variety of reasons. By that time, she had developed a very skewed perspective of my personality in some ways. A dozen innocuous things I did would drive her crazy. I finally had to break things off once and for all and enforce much stricter boundaries about contact with her. Every time I had been around her after the other breakups, there would be this rekindling of intimacy, emotional connection, and I was seduced by that, and it would make me forget all of the times I felt neglected, emotionally underserved, unfairly attacked.
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nowwhatz
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« Reply #175 on: January 15, 2015, 12:58:27 AM »

Bpdgf left me after every prior recycle.

This time we mutually decided to break up... .both of us forced it in our own way.
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Targeted
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« Reply #176 on: April 27, 2015, 11:16:40 AM »

She will tell you that she left me but The truth is The last night we were together I found her on her dating site again for probably the 25th time in two years and I had enough. 
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LeonVa
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« Reply #177 on: April 27, 2015, 11:25:00 AM »

I had a extinction outburst.  She packed up her stuff and left.  

In my mind, I just couldn't take her behavior at the time (called cops for no reason), so I had an outburst after the cops left. I didn't ask her to leave, I just wanted to set boundaries and calling police with false allegation is in no f**king way acceptable and not acceptable to blackmail me using that.

In her mind (which she shared with me briefly later in an exchange) that I kicked her out and that's why she left. As a matter of fact, she said, it was also her house, no one had the right to ask her to leave. Yet she left.

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Infern0
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« Reply #178 on: April 27, 2015, 08:02:53 PM »

The most recent time I ended it although to be honest there wasn't much to end. She'd gone distant on me and based off past behaviors I belive she was busy grooming a replacement.  I wasn't going to go through that again so I called time. She didn't put up much resistance so I think I was correct in my suspicion.

I'd also grown tired of the disfunction and was wanting to work on my own issues.  I was never going to be able to do that with her around so it was the sensible thing to do.
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shatterd
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« Reply #179 on: April 27, 2015, 08:33:06 PM »

in stages maybe for some, basicly when one of other has had enuff and breaks, and is strong enuff to stay away
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