Liz graduated and is coming home

[John Galt]

Thank you very much SA !

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[WhiteBuffalow]

Congratulations! You all have worked so hard to get through this! I know there is more to go, but you are doing such an excellent job and your wife major really seems to be trying to get through this ugly disorder!

Please give her a silent hug from all of us! So few are willing to face this demon the way she has and I pray the very best for all of you!

You all may very well be one of the biggest success stories out of this! Something to give inspiration to both sides of this disorder.

Bless you all!

[John Galt]

Thank you DT,

Liz has faced the demon so to speak but the funny(?) thing is is that she has still not accepted the BPD vis a vis her issue.She agrees to the depression and is working on that, and her behaviours which are magnificent to say the least.

I do not talk to her about BPD and this is what many say on these boards, deal with the behaviours.

When I look at others here ie Caribou and his wife maybe being BPD, yet the doctors say no, then it makes me wonder about the actual label of BPD .I found it very difficult to drop my stance on the idea of Liz accepting her BPD, yet I must add that her dealing with the behaviours are way more fulfilling that putting an exact name to the dx.

My therapist keeps insisting that it is something that she might never acknowledge although if she works on the  rages, spending, impulsivity, etc that is the real issue.

This was the 3rd amazing weekend in a row for us, the kids seem way better , there are no arguements at all, Liz gets up early , she insists on me doing things for myself, she is cleaning the basement and actually throwing tons of stuff out.

Yesterday , I was cleaning our garage and I see some strollers and car seats etc which we have not used for a few years , so I put out a bunch of things at the front lawn and I put up a sign and wrote ''free'', and then I asked Liz is she would really mind getting rid of this stuff to which she replied ''oh, great, we do not need it''.It was good because she is a huge pat rack and this was another real good step.

There is a follow up to her program BTW, which is a weekly meeting starting next week for 3 months , one night to which she wants to go.

Marc

[eternaloptimist]

The stigma of the BPD label is so great, at least for mine, that - that I don't care what they call it - they could call it wonderland - as long as they accept that something is wrong and accpet the power to change the behavior.  Marc - Take advantage of these wonderful weekends - you've earned them!

[Mollyd]

Marc,

I think that Liz has had a smooth adjustment returning home is pretty awesome and remarkable.  I agree you guys deserve to celebrate the hard work you've ALL done to address her condition.  I hope her adjustment continues to go this well.

Now - I know I'm a minority voice in what I'm about to say.

For Liz - I really believe we cannot truly change/address/heal what we do not acknowledge.  So, if my spouse (he did do this actually) claims depression, and anxiety - but does not fully accept his condition of alcoholism - this puts HIM at risk.  He, as Liz, needs to protect himself from the triggers related specifically to alcoholism - and if he is only holding vigilance against depression and anxiety, his risk to repeat alcholic patterns or thinking and behavior increase dramatically.  So, I really get why you are concerned about this.  I share your concern, despite what professionals say.

However, it is not for you to get Liz to accept or not her condition.  She takes this risk herself, by engaging in denial, it's her risk and her right.  It is possible she can correct behaviors/thinking to the same extent whether she really accepts or not.  Possible, but the risks increase with her denial, imo.

The thing I do think is for YOU is the reality of living with someone who is unwilling or incapable of seeing themselves for real/accurately.  I suppose this could impact your kids too - not being able to say blue is blue - so to speak.  However, if you and your kids can do this - and it all works, then it does.  I empathize with your struggle in this - ultimately everyone is doing well now - and THIS IS GOOD.

But, I hear ya, and I think it would bother me too, as it would be harder for me to trust the change is real if there is continued "denial" going on.  Time WILL tell - don't worry.

Molls.

[John Galt]

I hear you and agree yet if the behaviours are great,and Liszy continues to go to her meetings and when they finish she still does work then that will be fine for me.It took her 18 years to get here and has actually been working on it for 3 months so all in due course.

If Liszy regresses then I will push the issue, if not then thats fine.

She has been very open about the criteria she does have, she just does not know the whole 5/9 thing but does work on her issues.


hmmm

Wonderland Personality Disorder , I like that EO !

Marc

[spamlady]

Hi ruthie,

I agree with molls that you should be vigilant for denial and its possible effects on her behavior and on your family.

However, you can't argue with success, and as long as things continue to go well -- with her actively working to keep herself in a healthy place -- you can just sit back and bask in the beauty of it all! 8)

I'm so jealous happy for you.

Hugs,

spam

[John Galt]

Lets have fun and not show Molly how to do this !

Well, my therapist said that if you walked into a hospital with Liz and she had red dots all over her leg and the doctor gave her something to get rid of it, but he did not know the dx, then what would I think ?

Now of course the difference is is that I thing acceptance is part of the cure, and this is the struggle, but BPD can't be saved in a day, I guess.


Marc

[spamlady]

Lets have fun and not show Molly how to do this !

No, let's just make S the default setting on bpdfamily so we'll have to click something special to get it to NOT S!

But she is accepting that she has a problem and is willing to work to try to fix it. The only problem is in the specific label. I'm so hoping for you.

spam 8)

[John Galt]

I know you are baby cakes, and I thank you.

[Mollyd]

Well, now I know who my friends REALLY are!

Hmmmmpf!

At least Caribou's nice to me!

Molls.(stomping away) 

[John Galt]

On a serious note here Molly, I for one on behalf of all committed want to thank you for coming over to give us the ''unchosen'' perspective.Any unchosen who spends time on this part of the boards really deserves so much thanks from all of us. I have said since my first post on unchosen way way back where I tried to understand my childrens thoughts through the eyes of those wise people, that the unchosens have so much to offer us , and I thank them all.

Sometimes we can only see where we are ,yet they seem to have the knack of knowing where our children can be, when we remain status quo .That was their greatest gift to me, the true heroism of showing me what my kids will endure by staying status quo.

marc

[seeking solace]

Hi... I'm new to bpdfamily and I just wanted to say that it's hopeful AND realistic views like this that warm my heart. Life is full of ups and downs, good times and hard times... while you're being realistic about the future I'm glad to see you're taking the time to celebrate the wonderful moments too! This journey would be much to difficult if we didn't embrace the good times. Thanks for being here and shining a light of hope.

ss

[John Galt]

Thanks Solace, very much.

I came to bpdfamily a while back for me, but I stay today for you !

Marc