Analogy to BPD relationship: Gold Diggers

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Everybody has heard of a "gold digger."  These are typically women who seduce men for their money.  It is an act.  They don't really feel physically attracted to the men, nor do they really love them.  They simply perform as an actress to make the men feel good, happy, loved, etc.  In return they are going after the cash.

This is easy enough to imagine and it happens all of the time.  In fact I have seen it myself.  The victims don't realize what is happening and they believe that they are loved.  They are in their own fantasy land.  They couldn't possibly imagine that it was all an act. From the outsiders view, it is obvious as to what the gold digger is doing.

Somebody in a BPD relationship is going through a similar phenominon, only they aren't being used exclusively for their money. Rather they are used for emotions, love, support, caring, drama, etc.  The "act" may be played out from a more subconcience level (I'm not sure here) but the end result is the same. The victim was not truly loved or cared about the way that they thought that they were.  They were being used for the supply that they gave to the BPD.  Once this was all used up or stale, then they are out of favor to somebody else.

[JohnnyTable]

Everybody has heard of a "gold digger."  These are typically women who seduce men for their money.  It is an act.  They don't really feel physically attracted to the men, nor do they really love them.  They simply perform as an actress to make the men feel good, happy, loved, etc.  In return they are going after the cash.

This is easy enough to imagine and it happens all of the time.  In fact I have seen it myself.  The victims don't realize what is happening and they believe that they are loved.  They are in their own fantasy land.  They couldn't possibly imagine that it was all an act. From the outsiders view, it is obvious as to what the gold digger is doing.

Somebody in a BPD relationship is going through a similar phenominon, only they aren't being used exclusively for their money. Rather they are used for emotions, love, support, caring, drama, etc.  The "act" may be played out from a more subconcience level (I'm not sure here) but the end result is the same. The victim was not truly loved or cared about the way that they thought that they were.  They were being used for the supply that they gave to the BPD.  Once this was all used up or stale, then they are out of favor to somebody else.

[JoannaK]

I think that there is a big overlap between those with BPD and golddiggers.  Not that all golddiggers are BPD or vice verse, but many (most?) with BPD seem to get all of that emotional stuff from somene who can support them.  I think that a pure golddigger is probably antisocial vs. BPD, but there's so much overlap and comorbidity among the Cluster B personality disorders that it's hard to figure out who has what and what it all means.

[JohnnyTable]

Right.  I also think that us nons are attracted to or stay with a BPD because we feel that we *can* support them (emotionally, financially, etc) which makes us feel better about ourselves.  And this works for us until they leave.

[Venus Humm]

     The amorphous cluster B group has so much overlap as mentioned that it is really a moot issue.  In my opinion there is little difference between money, time, social status, emotion, excitement and sex.  Why?  Because these things are all seen as commodities by Gold diggers, BPD, NPD and all the other personality disorders.  Many of us Nons would find the concept of money and emotion being similar somewhat odd, even though we dont think twice when we here about someone accepting money for sex.  With a Gold Digger it may be that money is the most important issue and that the other commodities become secondary, while with a BPD it may be the emotion and drama the most important with money falling back into a secondary position. 

     When BPDs chose their next partner do you think they go thru a process of getting to know that person, establishing a relationship, and "falling in love".  Hell No!  They either take the next thing that is available, or like the high functioning ones, they shop around prior to dropping you.  If you had not let love "corrupt" your relationships do you think your life would have contained the same relationships?  You cannot begin to believe that love is an issue in their choice of partners, unless you believe someone is capbable of falling in love in a matter of days (over and over again).  They just walk around that big Non Lot Of Life and start doing some test drives.  They compare options:  Money, sex, emotion, drama, social status, etc.  Then they pick some poor Non that believes that he is the luckiest man on earth (for a while anyway).  If the new model requires that they change jobs, quit school, abandon their children then that is the way it is, once again they never let love interfere with life. 

     The best thing for us to do is that when they trade us in for a newer model is not to ever be sold so cheaply again.  Another thing, my exBPDgf has traded me in for a Lemon, and she will just have to drive that one until she can find a better model, because I am no longer available.  Her new man must be a two-seater because she no longer has any room for her children in her life. 

     She may not ever change, but I am not the same person.   NC will continue forever and this board has given me so much strength to continue.

[macman]

My wife went from emotional fix to another. She did not have a lot of relationships per se, but they all met some kind of need for her.  On the occasions when she cheated on her relationships, she was mentally able to justify them, based on some wrong committed by her boyfriend at the time (or perceived wrong). 

[Traveler]

Johnny,

I think in many of us there is something out of balance that we think we can balance through force of who we are. We think we can fix them, help them be there to support them but when they drain us, destroy us and then blame us for everything that went wrong we have to heal.

One day we heal enough to recognize we were not the total problem but we did bring a lot of it on ourselves. Once we wake up to seeing that other opps with BPDS are sowing up, we get a chance to break the cycle. One we break this cycle of BPD's we find happiness in ourselves and other relationships.

Tonight I needed to remind myself. There really is nothing I can do for her. She is broken or sick with next to no cure. She does not want to be cured no matter how I try to help. I have to unconditionally let her go. I need to be more selfish in taking care of me.

Nothing I say or do will be able to get into that twisted reality that she makes truth from in her head. The sooner I disallow any control she will ever have on me the sooner I will get the peace of mind I am searching for.

Traveler

[Tim300]

Everybody has heard of a "gold digger."  These are typically women who seduce men for their money.  It is an act.  They don't really feel physically attracted to the men, nor do they really love them.  They simply perform as an actress to make the men feel good, happy, loved, etc.  In return they are going after the cash.

This is easy enough to imagine and it happens all of the time.  In fact I have seen it myself.  The victims don't realize what is happening and they believe that they are loved.  They are in their own fantasy land.  They couldn't possibly imagine that it was all an act. From the outsiders view, it is obvious as to what the gold digger is doing.

Somebody in a BPD relationship is going through a similar phenominon, only they aren't being used exclusively for their money. Rather they are used for emotions, love, support, caring, drama, etc.  The "act" may be played out from a more subconcience level (I'm not sure here) but the end result is the same. The victim was not truly loved or cared about the way that they thought that they were.  They were being used for the supply that they gave to the BPD.  Once this was all used up or stale, then they are out of favor to somebody else.

Brilliant.  I think this is an accurate way of viewing it.   

[clydegriffith]

Very good comparison.

[Blimblam]

Haha yeah emotional validation gold diggers.  

Like said I think the main think to watch out for is the commodification of the attachment and what they bring to the table.

With my ex I notticed she had like a split in her.  Part of her wanted to love an be loved and was able to but at the cost of feeling that intense fear and the other part that viewed others as commodities to be consumed and disposed of. Like this was an internal struggle she was always having and if she could just fit into a role for someone else as get validation she could avoid thinking about that internal struggle fr a while.

[Perfidy]

Venus Humm... .You are my hero. This isn't rocket science.

[Fluff]

After my mother had met my ex, the first thing she said was "she's a gold digger". Which I found absurd, since she came from a wealthy family and I did not. I guess her mommy tingles got it right anyway.

[Rise]

Somebody in a BPD relationship is going through a similar phenominon, only they aren't being used exclusively for their money. Rather they are used for emotions, love, support, caring, drama, etc.  The "act" may be played out from a more subconcience level (I'm not sure here) but the end result is the same. The victim was not truly loved or cared about the way that they thought that they were.  They were being used for the supply that they gave to the BPD.  Once this was all used up or stale, then they are out of favor to somebody else.

So what you are saying is a person with BPD wants to be loved, supported, cared about, validated, etc.

Remind me again what exactly we were looking to get out of our relationships?

I'm not trying to excuse behavior here. I'm not saying the way we've been treated is okay. It's not. At all. But maybe we aren't victims of a malicious predator looking to fleece us of our emotional wealth. Maybe we got into relationships with someone that desperately wants the same things we do, but has a disorder that disasterously screws up their ability to accept them and reciprocate those things with others.