Do you regret the BPD relationship?

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

I was hoping that someone else would have posed this question, but since they haven't, I'll finally ask it. Do you wish you had never met or been involved with your BPD SO?

Some posters claim that they wish their ex had never graced their doorstep, particularly the male NONs, if I'm not mistaken.

I'll jump in with my own answer if this thread goes anywhere.

Wil

[willowtree007]

I was hoping that someone else would have posed this question, but since they haven't, I'll finally ask it. Do you wish you had never met or been involved with your BPD SO?

Some posters claim that they wish their ex had never graced their doorstep, particularly the male NONs, if I'm not mistaken.

I'll jump in with my own answer if this thread goes anywhere.

Wil

[rocky77]

YES

I know there has been *blessings* experiencing more pain than I have ever had in my life but surely to God I could have learned the same lessons without going through this.  My ex is always right in front my eyes, in my thoughts, in my dreams etc... .  I just want to be free from any memory of her.  I can't take the pain and the rejection, and especially the being painted black.  So yes, I regret ever meeting her.  I know one day the pain will be gone but I am convinced I will never be the same.  This has changed me like nothing else ever has.  I have been heartbroken before, but not like this.  This crushed my heart, my spirit and my hope.  And she is still raging mad at me... .:'(

[anniemouse]

No.

Even if we can't get this to work, I learned a lot, I have good memories, I had fun, and it took me to where I am now in my life and aside from current problems, it is a good place to be.

Annie

[PDQuick]

This is a double edged sword willow. I am glad for so many things that I have experienced in my past 13 years. I got to raise two wonderful kids. I had some truly great experiences with the family. I shared such great times and emotion with my ex. I learned alot, saw alot, did alot and felt alot. These things I will cherish for the rest of my life.

I mourn the passing of the relationship. I have lost my self esteem, my inner star, my dreams to a certain extent, and my naitevety for love. I have gone through some horrific experiences that I know would have not happened with a normal SO. I feel betrayed, disallusioned, dysfunctioned and crushed at times. I have an uncertianty as to what my life will bring. I have a concern about my finances recovering after this relationship. I dont know that I will ever be the same person that I was before. But then again, its a good thing.

It really is impossible to answer this question now, at this stage of my life, as I do not know how the lessons I have learned, and will continue to learn, will affect my journey down the road. I hope it will be as such: I know everything happens for a reason, and I cant wait to see the reasoning that exists for me to have endured so much. I hope it will be the ability to actually see a truly great woman when I meet her, rather than not appreciating her. I hope I was put through these past 13 years as a trial to prepare me for the happiness that is in store for me.

[Magnacarta]

No, I dont regret it.

Even though my relationship with my BPDew was extremely abusive and caused me, my family and friends untold pain and harm, from that relationship I have two wonderful, intelligent children.

Heres hoping I can keep them on the straight path through the mindfield that is before them.

Mags.

[JoannaK]

No, I don't regret it... .I just wish I could have left sooner when things really started to go downhill... .instead of waiting for the crash.  And, of course, I have my son.

[PDQuick]

I truly hope that we all learn something from these tragic relationships. If not, all of the pain would be in vain. Look inward, as pain is the forward emotion of change. Look inside yourself, the change is inevitable. Learn something from it, take something away from it. That way, in the future, we all can recognize our forthcomings, and will be better apt to deal with them.

[liberateddad]

This is a double edged sword willow. I

I agree.   All the horror and heartache but some wonderful times of love, compassion and friendship.   She was the one who said before we got serious that she did not want to lose her best friend.    She did though.  Lost her best friend.  A premonition? 

Anyway,  I learned lots.  I am a better person now for it.  I went through hell but am emerging from OZ a stronger person.   I wish this for all.    LD

[NHBeachBum]

UNEQUIVICALLY, ABSOLUTELY, WITHOUT A DOUBT, TOTALLY - YES!

Someone in my Tae Kwon Do school asking me that same question about a month ago. Here was my response to her.

I've done a lot of stuff in my life, made some no-so-smart decisions. I once partied for 2 days straight, didn't sleep for 2 nights, then ran with the bulls in Pamplona, Spain. File that one in the idiotic file! As far as regrets, I have very, very few. But allowing my exBPDgf in my life is probably one of the worst, most impulsive, stupid mistake that I have EVER done in my entire life! Sounds harsh, sounds like sour grapes, but I'm not angry at her. It was my fault, my decision & my responsibility & I'm now paying the price. If I could ever go back in time and make ONLY one change in my life, I wouldn't even blink an eye. Not a flinch of hesitation. I would go back and hot have her in my life back then if I could. Anyone on bpdfamily working on building a time machine?  

I have literally spent the past few months trying to erase any memory of her in my mind. I don't remember any of the good times. All I see is the reality of who she is. Unfortunately, all of the good memories are long gone. I'm focused on the future, not the past.

I am very impressed (even a twinge of jealousy) that many on bpdfamily can have a favorable view of their exBPD's.

-NHBB

[PDQuick]

I think that our outlook is essential to us not going completely nuts NHBB!

[oneday]

There are times I wish I never met my bpSO but if I didn't, I wouldn't have been able to understand why I was attracted to someone like that... I don't think it's about her anymore and I've been focusing on why I stayed in such an abusive relationship...

The beginning of the relationship was like a dream... Couldn't have asked for more... but as time progressed... things changed... but that's like any relationship... the difference was the emotional blackmail and the rollercoaster of a ride that I went through... it came to the point where I would get ecstatic over simple things like cooking dinner, saying i miss you, etc...

If I had to do it again with the knowledge I have now... I'd probably not go through it... but if going through that hell again was the only way to bring me to the point that I am at now... I would go through it... no questions asked... it was rough but I survived... and became stronger for it...

[Bdawn]

Hmm... .this is a tough one to answer. On the one hand I don't regret it because in dealing with the aftermath I did gain. I became stronger, wiser, deeper, more independant, more in touch with myself, closer to my family, and best of all I found my self worth. Thats pretty hard to top.

On the other hand If I could do it all over again I'd say NO F**KING WAY!

[tomyoung]

run like hell the first time she bragged about her previous relationships.

regret all this ?

absolutely.

i know i missed the opportunity to meet other good people during the time i truly wasted on that relationship.

learn and move on.  bunches of better things lie ahead.  get with it... .

[Leo]

Nope,got 24 pretty good years ,graet at times and the kids wouldnt exist.

[Jeffree]

Yes.

There was nothing wrong with our marriage or my role in it, and she just left it all as though it didn't matter. She never once complained about me, my role in our relationship, or her feelings about our marriage until the day she left. She did not give me a fair opportunity to work with her on whatever it is that made her leave. I had no way to see her cruelty coming, and she just left me in the meanest way possible.

I regret giving so much of myself to someone who in the end could care less and to someone to whom it didn't matter. I regret ever encountering her. I regret having to experience this ridiculous unjustified disgrace of a divorce. I regret having to spend 10's of thousands of dollars to defend my good name over NOTHING. I regret having to sell the house we had worked so hard to buy.

You know, anyone can just sht all over another person. I could have easily said to her, "You know what? You really are fat, ugly, and stupid like you say. Yeah, you really don't have any reason to live other than me. I, too, wish you would die in your sleep." But I didn't. You know why? BECAUSE I TAKE F'N RESPONSIBILITY FOR MYSELF, AS WELL AS HOW MY WORDS, MY ACTIONS, AND GESTURES AFFECT THOSE AROUND ME. I have more class, dignity, and empathy than she ever will.

And I regret it all, despite these asinine lessons I am going to learn as a result of this. Whooptie-do. MAYBE, I won't marry a psychopath the next time around. But what if I do? How will I really know what I've gotten myself into until it blows up or doesn't? There are no guarantees.

I could have just as easily married a good, caring woman. But, noo! I had to hook up with the Tiger Woods of lunacy. Thank you very much!

So, yeah. I regret this whole disgusting mess.

Sorry to sound so angry, but sometimes it's just impossible to polish all of life's turds.

--J

[Sybgow]

This one has come up before. It's absolutely clear to me that this was the WORST experience of my entire life. I could rationalize and go on and on about how I've "grown" because of it, how I now have my daughter (whom I love so much, as all parents out there can appreciate), how now I'm not as naive, how I know more about myself, etc.

BUT SO WHAT.

It still SUCKS, and my "last" shot at having a nice little "normal" family was SQUANDERED because some chick is seriously mentally ill (or, at least, a lying, cheating, manipulative SLUT.) If I'd happened to meet and marry a "normal" woman, then I might still have a family. With a different kid/kids, to be sure, but I'd never have had Ava, so I'd never know the difference.

I want my time back, I wish I had another shot. SURE, maybe it would have turned out badly with another woman. OK. And it possibly could have been even worse with the right (wrong) wife. But this situation is BAD. It's not what I wanted. I was just going along, doing the usual Ward Cleaver stuff, hurting no one (although I'll admit, I wasn't a perfect husband), when everything hit the fan, and now it all sucks.



I wish I'd never met the woman.


To not wish that would be like some guy injured in a major car crash (in which he almost died, lost an extremity or two, etc.) not wishing the darn wreck never happened --- because it made him "stronger," or made him "appreciate life" more. Screw all that. I want a good family for my kid. It ain't gonna be. I'm pissed off about it, and I'll NEVER see any of this ___ as a "good" thing.


Sorry, this turned into a rant, but I'm really adamant that this SUCKS, and I hate the whole "things happen for a reason" attitude, and the idea that we're "improved" in some way by all this. Well, REGULAR life has enough adversity, challenge, and opportunity for "personal growth." I didn't need industrial strength personal conflict and florid craziness injected into my life in order to "mature."

I cannot understand how anyone wouldn't want to turn the clock back on crap like this.

[Sybgow]

Well, Jeff, I was typing mine when you posted yours. I feel like an echo. Seems we feel kinda the same 'bout it all.

Lets see what some more folks think.

[turtle]

Yes and no --

I've learned a lot about who I am though this experience. Even though I am not completely healed, I am still a lot stronger and more self confident that when I entered the relationship. My self-esteem was in the toilet when I got involved in my mess. While getting myself out of the logistics of my mess I've had to fight for every ounce of my own mental health, physical health and my own personal power. I will never give any of that up again - and there's no relationship that I need to have that would require that of me. That was a painful, but powerful lesson.

However, I specifically regret every stupid decision I made in an effort to win the xbf's approval. It took me way too long to realize that no matter what I did, he would NEVER approve, because he just couldn't - he just didn't have the capacity to approve of anyone.

I would've saved myself a lot of heartache (and money) if I had realized that much earlier.

Turtle

[NHBeachBum]

I feel like I've never tried so hard & tried to help some one so much and then in return never got treated as harshly, abrasively and painfully.

Sure I learned a lot & I am a much better person but I think the real key question is "was the lesson we learned REALLY worth the price we paid"? In my situation I paid so much that it really was not worth it. It simply should not have been this costly but it was what it was. I guess in the future if others warn me that there's a dangerous cliff, maybe I'll actually listen to their warnings and not jump off in order to find out that it really is painful!   

-NHBB

[Bob58]

There was a time when I would have said, unequivocably, yes.

But now, I have to say no.  I don't regret the relationship.

I wouldn't wish what I went through on anyone, but I, obviously, needed to go through it.

The fact is that if I hadn't gone through it with her, I would have gone through it with someone else like her.

I needed to hit rock bottom to, finally, find balance in my life.  Now having found it, and being truly happy, I can't begrudge the experiences that brought me here.

[turtle]

I wouldn't wish what I went through on anyone, but I, obviously, needed to go through it.

The fact is that if I hadn't gone through it with her, I would have gone through it with someone else like her.I needed to hit rock bottom to, finally, find balance in my life.  Now having found it, and being truly happy, I can't begrudge the experiences that brought me here.

Well said!

Turtle

[wojah]

I don't regret the BPD relationship, but the only regret that I have is not choosing to end the relationship SOONER.  I am going on 13 years being married to my BPD husband and it has not been a picnic.  There were more bad times than good times.  I've learned a lot through this experience and the only regret I have is not ending the marriage sooner.  But better late than never.  I don't expect my marriage to last too much longer.  Most likely I will be out of this marriage by next year.

[eastmeetswest]

I think for the most part, I made a choice with the best information that I had at the time.  Life is all about choices, and I know that mine have brought me to this point in my life.  If not this, then what?  I certainly can't blame free will on my x.  This much I know, I have learned from it. 

Regret it? No.  Do it again?  Hell, no.

[eggshell]

No, I wouldn't say that I regret it, although it's caused me insane amounts of emotional pain. But in the same way, it has shown me that I can love another with a neverending fervor and love, and taught me so many lessons, and also, if it weren't for my X, I really never would have found ME. Long story on that, but I was seriously lost until I found my X. I am here now, thanks to him... .weird how things turn out that way... .

[nevergiveup]

I think its pointless to regret it. There are things I would do totally differently if I had my time again, but I think it's like any other bad experienece you have in your life, most of the time you don't see it coming until it is already too late. I have other mentally ill people in my life and I dont even think about regretting meeting them because somehow it just doesn't seem appropriate, its just like one of those things that happens that no one can control and I hope one day to be able to look at my experience with my ex like that and not feel bad about it anymore. It's just that the experience with her went so much deeper, that's what makes it so hard.

[Sybgow]

So, here's what some of us wrote:

"The fact is that if I hadn't gone through it with her, I would have gone through it with someone else like her.   I needed to hit rock bottom to, finally, find balance in my life.  Now having found it, and being truly happy, I can't begrudge the experiences that brought me here."

"it has shown me that I can love another with a neverending fervor and love, and taught me so many lessons, and also, if it weren't for my X, I really never would have found ME."

"I, obviously, needed to go through it."




Holy sht, I can't believe this. I know we all have a need to justify, rationalize, whatever, but this just drives me NUTS. Do you REALLY think you HAD to go through hell with SOMEONE - her or someone else? WHY? Do you owe some kinda karmic debt to the universe? It's just silly, and it seems as if one who believes this is resigned to some "fate" in which s/he MUST pay some weird "penance" in life in order to get through to a relationship with a "normal" person.

It's like the flip side of what I've heard from MANY women over the years : "I deserve to be HAPPY." It sounds like nons feel they must DESERVE to be ___ on, for some reason, and we just have to "go through it" in order to get on with our lives. This is crazy, and I'm not buying it.

"I, obviously, needed to go through it."    Good grief.    WHO "NEEDS" ABUSE?  Who needs to hit "rock bottom'? (unless we are substance abusers.)

Yes, we as nons may indeed have problems, hangups, issues, whatever. TRUE. But, this incessant self-flagellation is INSANE. I can't understand why so many of us feel the need to be so self-deprecating, so meek, so ... .I dunno.    NO ONE DESERVES ABUSE. And no one should be HAPPY that they got it.


This attitude, which SO many of us have (and, maybe, I've got it, too, and I'm just covering up) is a symptom, TOO. And it makes me sad for all of us.

We're all a bunch of p*ssies. We oughta stand up and just get on with it. It WASN'T "good," what happened to us.

And to pretend that it was is WRONG.


I'm now bracing for the hand-holding, PC onslaught. Bring it on.

[Starry]

Yes, I regret it. I regret the things that happened in my youth, that have gotten me used to emotional unavailable behaviour. I regret staying so long with him. If things worked out differently I would have had a normal life, but that's not how it works. Life is what happens, while you making plans... .

But, I've accepted it. I woke up, got a chance to grow up. It's part of life, my life. Everyone has their issues. I have mine. I have a chance to find out who I am and get healthy. Make choices and accept the consequences.

No, I don't regret it because of my beatiful kids. The good things we had (we had them). The "inside information" on relationships, the "life wisdom".

If I had a chance to do it all over again, I would have gotten in therapy when I was 18, trying to undo the damage of my childhood and being more conscious and careful when choosing a partner. Although I have no clue if it had helped. The issues with parents are not easy to solve and maybe I would have been to young to handle it. So I believe in faith as well, for every thing is a place and time.

Star

[willowtree007]

Sybgow, I belong to the "bunch of pussies" group.

I regret the things that happened in my youth, that have gotten me used to emotional unavailable behaviour.

This last relationship with a BPD, combined with the knowledge and wisdom of SWOE and this board, is helping me understand many personal problems that have dogged me my entire life. They were present in all relations, not just SOs, but with many friends, some family and particularly with myself. I am quite sure that if this board had not existed, the BPD experience would have been nothing more than another notch in my own personal version of OZ.

Thank you God, that we didn't get married and especially that I didn't sell my home. Otherwise my response to this question would be quite bitter.

If I could write a text-book version of my perfect partner, my exBPD was just that... .in his wonderful persona. And he will be the perfect partner for his next amour, for I now know that it is an eager, cultivated deception. Nonetheless, it was amazing to experience. He is unusually generous. I did things with him that I have never done before and only dreamed of... .and I loved it!

The other gift was two years of the best sex in my life, at a time that I was mourning that sex was relegated to the past.

My previous relationship to BPD was a 15 yr common-law marriage to a mean, raging, self-aggrandizing, selfish man who now appears to me to be NPD. I regret everything with him except the existance of our daughters. I think BPD bf learned to be everything that my exh wasn't from what my daughters and I said. There were troubling similarities between these two men and the greatest insult to BPD was to liken a behaviour to exh.

No, I don't regret this relationship. I still have too many thoughts of it and him ruminating around in my head which I hope will disappear someday, but I am positive that I will come out of it a better person, a wiser woman who truly loves herself.

Wil

[Jeffree]

sybgow,

While I also await the onslaught from others you're more than likely to get here, since I was one of the regretters I will reiterate MY point.

The way I look at it is this: There's a two-lane road with traffic going both ways. This means there's one lane of traffic going one way and another lane going the other way. Now, 99.999% of the drivers stay in their lanes going about their daily business BECAUSE THEY ARE NORMAL, CIVIL, LAW ABIDING citizens. They all might not be sane, but they know how to live in the cultural norms in this driving scenario.

But then you get the occasional rare occurance where a complete f'n a-hole decides he/she doesn't want to live and takes someone with him/her in the process of ruining his/her life. He/she drives right into the opposite lane, thereby killing him/herself and those in the other car(s).

My marriage ended. I was the innocent, unsuspecting victim in the other lane going about his business who got blindsided by the irresponsible actions of a complete maniac. Here I was looking forward to getting to wherever it was I was going, blasting Radiohead or Pink Floyd or Alice in Chains (Jar of Flies) in the car stereo, singing along, loving life, then BAM! out of nowhere this lunatic veers into my lane, and I am basically left for dead.

Could I have done something to prevent my own agony? Sure, I could have not taken that road to where I was going because it was potentially unsafe; I could have bought a Hummer, I could forsake driving and taken a bus. I could have done a lot of things in retrospect to safekeep my life. However, that wouldn't be a rational way to go about living given societal norms. That'd be a little obsessive compulsive, or even insanely paranoid.

Am I going to beat myself up because I didn't listen to the tiny, tiny voice in my head that squeaked a couple of times, "You know, this road could be dangerous if someone lost control of their car." Or using a real life example from my marriage... .left the minute she seriously said, "Kids are evil."

If I were somehow to survive the crash am I going to realize that I should listen to my little tiny voice more often and be thankful for the lesson learned? No. Because if I did listen to that voice, I wouldn't be able to function. It pipes up a lot about a lot of weird things: ":)on't eat so much. Red meat is bad for you. Don't breathe in the bad air from a smoker or you'll get cancer. Subscribe to Nat'l Geographic and expand your horizons. Treat others as you would want them to treat you."

So, my point is this... .I ABSOLUTELY REGRET everything about my relationship with my STBxW. She veered her emotional car right into my soul and devastated me. I tried to check myself into a loony bin I was in so much agony the day after. I couldn't eat, sleep, smile, love, laugh etc. for months. I was turned into a complete wreck because the person I chose to share my heart with, the person who as far as I knew loved me, the person who never expressed one concern about our relationship in the 10 years we were together decided out of the f'n blue SHE was done. And I had no way of knowing this was coming.

Yesterday I went and introduced myself to the people our house was sold to--youngish, hopeful people like my STBxW and myself were when we had bought it. They showed me what they had done to it in the short time they had been there. And all I could feel was this crushing regretful pain about it all.   While I was happy for them, I just couldn't get over what my wife has done and how she's treated me since.

However, I can certainly appreciate the perspectives of those here who are grateful about the beautiful children that were bestowed upon them in their difficult marriages/relationships and the lessons learned thereafter. Maybe I'll get there one day, but TODAY just ain't one of those days.

--J

[Peace4us]

It is the exepriences of my past that has broght me to where I am today.  I can not regret that it happened. I have two beautiful children from it and they are nothing to regret, but rather cherish.

I regret not knowing more.  I regret some choices I made.

I do not regret marrying him.  I learned enough for two lifetimes.

I agree I may have married someone else like him, because I obvioulsy needed the lesson in the evolution of me.

Peace4us

[Bob58]

Holy sht, I can't believe this. I know we all have a need to justify, rationalize, whatever, but this just drives me NUTS. Do you REALLY think you HAD to go through hell with SOMEONE - her or someone else? WHY? Do you owe some kinda karmic debt to the universe? It's just silly, and it seems as if one who believes this is resigned to some "fate" in which s/he MUST pay some weird "penance" in life in order to get through to a relationship with a "normal" person.

No, I don't see it as some kind of penance.

I've been married twice.  I married, the first time, very young.  I was extremely selfish and had a very immature idea of love.  I cheated on my first wife, early on.  As the years passed we grew further and further apart.  My first wife was a very kind and normal person.  She loved me but we had nothing in common.  Our life was boring and, often forced.  We stayed together out of sheer inertia and the fact that we had a child together.  While we loved each other, I can't say that we were ever friends or especially liked each other all that much.

Fast forward 10 years and I'm stationed in Korea, alone for a year.  I didn't physically cheat on my 1st wife, but I did get involved in internet flings.  I knew it was wrong but did it anyway because I wanted to.

A friend of mine in my same unit got to Korea a few months after I did.  His life was different.  He had a real and honest relationship with his wife.  They were best friends.  He really wanted to be with his wife more than anything.  At first, to myself, I scoffed at him.  But something changed in me.  I actually, again privately, became very jealous of the type of relationship he had.  I wanted that type of relationship.  I felt I needed that type of relationship.  I'd always been very ashamed of my behavior and had reasons to feel that nobody else would ever really want me.

A few months later, I met my BP online.  Thus started the prototypical internet fairytale/nightmare that Joanna talks about when she says to "avoid long distance relationships like the plague".

When I returned from Korea, I divorced my 1st wife and the rest is history.

Do I see my 2nd marraige as "penance" for my first?  No, not now.  I admit that I did early on in the marriage when things were going very badly.

What I see now is a man that was horribly out of balance and full of shame.  He wanted to change so badly, but he wanted to do it quickly, with a fresh slate.  He wanted it so badly that he blinded himself to reality and dove head first (and initially revelled) in his new role of "good guy".

Do I regret having been like that?  You bet your butt.

Do I regret the hurt I caused my first family and the hurt I had a role in with my second?  Absolutley.

Could I have changed without going through what I did?  I might have been able to but I wanted it too fast and in a very selfish way.  So, I don't believe I would have ever set myself up for growth but would have jumped at anything.

Please don't get me wrong.  I'm not trying to rationalize the behavior of my ubp-2nd-wife.

I'm not trying to rationalize my behavior in that relationship.

I'll be the very first to say "If you're in a relationship with a borderline... .GET OUT!"  But I'll also be the first to add "And then find out why you were ever in it so you don't make the same mistakes again."

I was a man comlpletely out of balance.  I was full of shame.  I had a very twisted view of life and love and, like an alcoholic, I HAD to hit rock bottom to finally get some help for myself and take an honest approach to dealing with my own problems.

Where am I now?  I'm three years out of that relationship.

I'm very happy.  I have a wonderful 13 month old relationship with a great person and friend and I wouldn't change my life for anything.

I managed to come through the mess and am a much better and balanced man for it.

I remember talking with my Dad about six months after I was divorced.  I was starting to come out of the FOG and get a grip on things.  I told him... ."You know, Dad... .In my first marraige, I was a selfish, uncaring and unworthy turd.  In my second I was totally devoted, foolish doormat that gave everything and asked for nothing in return... .But, at heart, I know I'm a pretty decent guy and if I can just find a way to find a balance between those two guys I might just make someone a pretty decent husband."

So, yes, I had to go through this.

I wish to God (for the sake of those I love) that hadn't needed to.

But, unfortunately, that doesn't change the fact that I did, so I'm not going to regret going through it now.

[turquoise]

Unambiguously, absolutely, YESSSSSS !

Do I regret being a pawn in the sick game of a psycho who did everything she could to destroy me, my spirit, my heart, my soul. Unequivocally yes.

Of course I learned something, of course I have hit bottom and bounce back, of course we will all make the best out of it, but I would not do this to my worst enemy (if I had one). So how can I see this as un-regrettable ?

God, I am worth more than that. We are all worth more than that  !


Turquoise

[brucey]

Regret it?  I often say that if I had a time machine I would go back to the day I met her and she came on to me and I would spit in her face and throw her out of a window.  What she does to men should be illegal and prevented.  Regret it?  I nearly killed myself.  My best friend did kill himself because of a similar relationship.  I suffered horrendously.  Regret it?  Duh.  Of course.  I lost many years of my life that resulted in horrible anguish, and worse, I am now cynical, depressed, and will never trust anyone again.  That's the effect it had on me.  She is a horrible, evil monster.  I regret that she exists.  I regret that I fell for her bullsht.  I regret that I was conned.  I regret that I am sensitive and human and as a result was permanently hurt and changed by that relationship.  Each day I hope that I will read her obituary.  So, yes, I would say that I regret it.

[Leo]

well put Jeff

[LAnn]

Yes I do. 

While I choose to make the best of all things in my life, good experiences and regretful experiences,  it doesn't change the fact that some experiences are regretful and I wish that I had never had them.

I've known two, possibly three BPDs over the course of my life, and those are the three darkest periods of my life.

[Bdawn]

gee brucey why don't you tell us how you really feel? 

Okay the truth is that I do regret it. Initally I was one of those that answered with "oh I learned so many valuable lessons, blah blah... ." and I did but those lessons weren't worth the price and some of those lessons I shouldn't have even had to learn. Why did I have to learn that some people will sht all over you, tear your heart out and stomp on it. Why did I have to learn that you can't go around trusting people, that you have to always be viligant and on gaurd. If I had never met my exbp I would have never had a reason to learn those lesson and I'd still be a happy person. I hope my kids never have a reason to learn these things.

But still I try not to waste my time feeling regret as it's a wasted feeling. I can't travel back and change what took place in the past so why dwell on it?  Regret gets me nowhere.

[Bob58]

I've already gone out on a limb here, so at this point there isn't much sense in playing it safe anymore.

I don't begrudge anyone their feelings on their relationships.  I didn't live them, you did.

I will say this, though.  I have a lot of regrets in my life.  I've done, and lived, things worthy of regretting.  Too many things.

But you know what I'd truly regret?

You know what I'd really deserve to regret?

If after all the mistakes I'd made and all the sht I'd been through (whether I deserved it or not)... .

If I made the conscious choice to, yet again, go the easy way. 

If I'd learned and changed nothing of any real substance.

If I'd chose to hang on to the bitterness, anger and victimhood that was the only thing keeping me warm in those early dark days when my relationship ended.

If I'd refused to accept any real responsiblilty for my 50% of the dysfunctional dance.  It's easy to talk but harder to walk.

If I'd just jumped into the next of a series of dysfunctional relationships, wishing that this time things would be different.

Those would all be things I'd truly deserve to regret.

And who would I have to blame, then?


Everybody has their own row to hoe in this life.  Chances are, if you're reading this, your row is longer and rockier than your average guy's.

Mine was.

In fact, I'm still working on it.  But now, the work is one helluvalot easier than it's ever been before.

Anyone care to guess why?

[rocky77]

For me, the pain associated with a BP seems senseless.  I read the agony and turmoil in so many of these posts that I have been through and am still struggling with.  I would never believe something could hurt this bad w/out having gone through it myself.  Everyday I still question myself and somehow feel I am to blame for things falling part.  She blames me for everything that happened and it's all I can do to not believe her.  What took weeks for her to destroy will take me months and years to rebuild and REINFORCE.  

I would give anything to go back and choose life instead of a relationship with this woman.  I hate the fact that I still love her now.  I hate that I care so much for someone that HATES that I care about them and is not deserving of my heart.  I feel used, I feel cheated and abused and when tears aren't welling up my fists are clenching and I want to rip someones head off.

I x-x-x-xing hate what I let her do to me.  I hate that I gave my heart and soul and power to someone that could care less.  I hate that I let her do this to me several times until she walked away for good.  This relationship is unquestionably the biggest regret in my life.

[isthisreal]

I regret it in many ways, I know it was a wasted 2 years, in many ways.  But, then again, if I hadn't had it, I wouldn't have become aware of my codependency and aware (although I knew about) my family's history of putting up with abusive relationships.  I believe God used this horrible experience to grow something beautiful--a new me!

So, yes and no.

[willowtree007]

Anyone care to guess why?

Bob,

I would love to hear a sequel to this thoughtful post. Instead of me guessing, would you write the answer to "why?"

Wil

[nevergiveup]

Rocky, I feel like you some days. Some days are so hard. I'll tell you what helped me today. Yet again like a fool I was reading her mails, and I read a stack of them. There would be ten absolutely lovely messages and then one that was absolute hate, and seeing them there together, running seamlessly from one to another I could see it for the first time, how serious her illness is and how desperately unhappy she is when it takes hold. Seeing that was painful, but it helped me to see how insane she is, and however bad I feel now, and I feel like someone has cut my heart and soul out with a melon knife, well even feeling so bad there is no way I would want to swap my mind for hers. I wish I could have seen how sick she was way back. If I regret anything it isn't that I met her, but that I didn't recognise her sickness for what it was when it first appeared.

Instead of the relationship, what I regret are the several dozen weak emails/ phone messages I sent her over the final few months, the ones she never replied to. I wish now I had never sent them, because I can see now how weak they made me look. I guess at the time I was just so depressed about everything that I acted on impulse and mailed her saying how much I missed her. I regret those now. Those mails depress me and I wish I could turn back the clock and erase them.

Has anyone else sent the same kind of mails or messages and now feels the same way?

[Bob58]

Anyone care to guess why?

Bob,

I would love to hear a sequel to this thoughtful post. Instead of me guessing, would you write the answer to "why?"

Wil

I meant that to be rhetorical, Wil.

[lennic]

Regret, for me, is like plowing the same field over and over, Sometimes left to right,,sometimes up and down,,but plowing just the same,,turning the same dirt over and over.

Regret is reliving,,rehashing, staying in the muck. There comes a day,,when you either plant the seed or say "f*^K It" and plow again or simply watch the weeds grow.

It was what it was,,there were lessens to be learned,,hopefully I got them down.

Lenny

[bewildered2]

If it doesn't kill you it makes you stronger, right?

I guess I was messed up before my BPD experience or else I would have been impervious to her charms. Maybe we were all a little weak? So if we are stronger now maybe it was all for the best?

I've gone thru hell because of her, but had a fantastic time with her for a year or so before it all went wrong. So I know the price of happiness with a BPD, for sure.

I had this discussion with a friend last week. I was undecided. He said "you have experienced a high not felt by many people anywhere, how can you be sorry?". It got me thinking. He has a point, but again, the price I paid was very high.        

I wonder, what does a heroin junkee feel after he kicks the habit. It is the same thing.

Right now I still regret the "relationship", if you can call it that. It was one big con, perpetrated by a sick but clever con artist. So I am afraid I still feel conned. Not a particularly nice feeling.

B2

[forgotten]

Yes I do regret and honestly I can say it is truly to only thing in my life that I truly and completely regret.  I have done some stupid things in life and paid the price but I am able to look back at those as learning experiences and do not regret even some of my stupidest actions.

On the other hand this relationship has forever changed me and not for the better.  Nothing positive has come of it.  I mean what can I have learned - that you shouldn't put your heart and soul into caring about someone becuase you never know they may be mentally ill and all the wonderful things they are saying to you and the emotions they claim to feel about you may not be true?   Am I better off because I am emotionally numb now?  That I have gained some new perspective on myself?  

No the pain, the thoughts of suicide, the loss of joy that I have experienced - I could have done without all of that.  If I had the magic time machine and could go back to the day she smiled at me in that certain way that opened the door... .I would slam it in her face.

[lennic]

I wonder, what does a heroin junkee feel after he kicks the habit. It is the same thing.

If he has truely "kicked it" he feels gratitude as he has turned away from the devil himself.

This, I know.

Lenny

[rocky77]

Nevergiveup-

I did the same thing in regards to sending sappy emails and voice mails.  Each time I did I felt worse, she used the opportunity to just reject me all over again or say the most hurtful things she could think of.  I kept trying to break through it seems, kept trying to recapture the love that *seemed* to be there at one time.  Now if I can only let go... .for good.

[LAnn]

I have gone round and round with this very question.  Is regret the same as mourning? There were times I attempted to embrace all that happened, and take personal growth lessons and spiritual lessons from it.  Embracing it and working through it seemed the only healthy choice.  Still, I think that I could have chosen more positive ways to grow.  So, I find integrating this choice "regret or not regret" difficult.  Like a double-bind.  As a commitment to myself  I make sure that I don't regret what I do about it.  But still I feel regrets about the relationship. 

And I regret that I didn't know better, because I should have -- having grown up with borderline behaviors, though I didn't know it then.  Perhaps I regret that I am such a slow learner.  Maybe I just beat myself up emotionally for being ignorant... .and then I regret that I do that! 

I think of the strengths (joy, confidence, energy, optimism)  I had prior, and all the positive things I brought to the relationship and the insights I gained -- and contrast that with the personal "stuff" that I didn't have before but have now.   And I have less energy with which to process it. The wind left my sails.  And sometimes it feels like I've gone backwards in life.  I had healed a lot from my past; then after my exbf left I was set back to square one, and discovered I had more and deeper "stuff" than before.  I regret that.  I would have prefered to continue growing from where I had climbed.

I admire those here that have become stronger and better for it all.  Some are able to exit their mourning and enter gratitude and celebration.  That is a testament to inner strength for certain.   I have a long way to go.

[PDQuick]

If I may say one thing about regret. I think that regret should be reserved for things that we knew better about. When you were a kid and stuck your finger in the socket or touched the hot stove, did you regret it? Probably not. You learned from it. So if you didnt know better about these relationships, how can you truly regret them? We should learn from them, and if we do, save the regret for making a decision that we knew better about. I regretted my relationship at first, but it has opened my eyes to a whole range of issues that I have needed to deal with. Some that I knew about and some that I didnt. The more research and soul searching that I do, I am realizing that life for me, although I didnt know it at the time, was not healthy, happy and nurturing the way I thought it was. Sure, my parents did the best that they could do, but I didnt know my grandparents, and since have found out why. They were truly horrible people. So horrible, in fact that my parents kept me from them. Now, my parents are great people, and I felt that they were good parents, but even they had issues because of the way they were raised and who their parents were. Thus, I was raised dysfunctional, not knowing it because it was what I was used to. No harm done, no abusing or molesting or anything, but I have always felt inferior. I know that my life could be mutitudes better, I just didnt have the tools to understand it. My relationship with my BPD and the pain has lead me to the alter of inward thinking. I now see that if I had the tools to deal with it, I woldnt have gotten involved with her in the first place.

We all made the decision to start and stay with these relationships. All the red flags were there, and either we couldnt recognize them, or we just let them fly by. It is showing the flaws within us. Not that we are bad people, quite the contrary. We are fabulous people with a mountain of love that could feed a village. We just need to take a fraction of that love, and for once in our lives, point it at ourselves. Its not really all that scary to find out that we have issues. Its alot less scary to seek them out, and try to rehabilitate them that try to go on in our lives suppressing them.

Now regret would be defined as me taking all this newly found knowlege and putting it aside. Not expanding on it and seeking it out. Not trying to fix the wrongs inside of me. Not doing anything and then, finding myself right back here in 2 or 3 years, having experienced the same thing again. That would be truly regrettable.

[willowtree007]

If I may say one thing about regret. I think that regret should be reserved for things that we knew better about. When you were a kid and stuck your finger in the socket or touched the hot stove, did you regret it? Probably not. You learned from it. So if you didnt know better about these relationships, how can you truly regret them? We should learn from them, and if we do, save the regret for making a decision that we knew better about. I regretted my relationship at first, but it has opened my eyes to a whole range of issues that I have needed to deal with. Some that I knew about and some that I didnt. The more research and soul searching that I do, I am realizing that life for me, although I didnt know it at the time, was not healthy, happy and nurturing the way I thought it was. Sure, my parents did the best that they could do, but I didnt know my grandparents, and since have found out why. They were truly horrible people. So horrible, in fact that my parents kept me from them. Now, my parents are great people, and I felt that they were good parents, but even they had issues because of the way they were raised and who their parents were. Thus, I was raised dysfunctional, not knowing it because it was what I was used to. No harm done, no abusing or molesting or anything, but I have always felt inferior. I know that my life could be mutitudes better, I just didnt have the tools to understand it. My relationship with my BPD and the pain has lead me to the alter of inward thinking. I now see that if I had the tools to deal with it, I woldnt have gotten involved with her in the first place.

We all made the decision to start and stay with these relationships. All the red flags were there, and either we couldnt recognize them, or we just let them fly by. It is showing the flaws within us. Not that we are bad people, quite the contrary. We are fabulous people with a mountain of love that could feed a village. We just need to take a fraction of that love, and for once in our lives, point it at ourselves. Its not really all that scary to find out that we have issues. Its alot less scary to seek them out, and try to rehabilitate them that try to go on in our lives suppressing them.

Now regret would be defined as me taking all this newly found knowlege and putting it aside. Not expanding on it and seeking it out. Not trying to fix the wrongs inside of me. Not doing anything and then, finding myself right back here in 2 or 3 years, having experienced the same thing again. That would be truly regrettable.

Huge Ditto! Wisely said.

Wil

[nevergiveup]

Hi Rocky. I think you and I are in the same boat emotionally at the moment. The mails I sent, well I hadn't heard from her for weeks and I had no idea what was going on. She'd told me the sick relative story and just gone off, not got in touch. I tried to be supportive sent the messages trying to be supportive about the relative, even though I pretty much knew the whole story was a lie, but she didn't answer. So my messages got more and more emotional. Could be I wanted her to finally get in touch and tell me to push off so that at least I knew where I stood.

I do feel good about not trying to get in touch with her since we broke up, though. I know even though she told me not to get in touch she really wanted and was expecting something emotional in reply but I managed a calm answer saying that  agreed a split was for the best (though it broke my heart to say it). After she got that message she sent me a short sharp message, again I sent back an even shorter one that was very calm, saying goodbye. The third message was even angrier but still I stayed calm and sent a final goodbye message wising her well. Since then she hasn't got in touch and I haven't tried to get in touch either. It's very hard but I feel better about it. I am so pleased I haven't gone back to sending her pleading emails like I did all the times before. I think it must have shocked her to get this new response from me. I have a little of my self respect back from doing this.

So now it's just a matter of waiting it out. Be strong Rocky. Don't get in touch with her. Don't give her chance to hurt you again.

[turtle]

There are so many people on this sight filled with anger and regret toward their bp --- And that is completely appropriate.  The damage from these relationships is overwhelming.  I have my own regrets about my own relationship. At this point, I'm still regretting how much $$ it cost me and how long it's taking me to recover from that.

However... .IMHO, the thing to examine here is WHY you got involved with that person.  Chances are that when you got involved with your bp, you weren't mentally healthy yourself.  I know we all feel we were duped by our bp, but if you TRULY examine the relationship, the signals were there.  The fact that we ignored the flags and signals says a lot about US.

I can't recall anyone on this sight saying, "well there I was minding my own business, being mentally healthy myself, when this bp came along a blew up my world."  It may feel that way, but it simply isn't true.

For me, it took this relationship for me to get it. I was making bad choices in partners, I was being drawn to people that weren't a good fit for me.  Most of us, if we are honest, would say that we have been with other people that were not right for us -- maybe they weren't mentally ill, but we were still drawn to some kind of dysfunctional, imbalanced relationship.  Unfortunately for me -- it took being involved with the cadillac of mental dysfunction to get my attention.  I needed to change ME.

For that knowledge, I feel no regret because as I continue to heal, I KNOW this is a lesson that will not need to be repeated.

For all the stupidity and drama that happened with my bp, of course I regret all of that, but if I hadn't endured all of that bs, I would probably STILL be picking people that are wrong for me because of my OWN issues.

When we stop blaming THEM (even though they may deserve blame) and look in the mirror is when we start to recover!

Turtle

[sillyputte]

None from me.  Like many others here I was naive and codependent.  If I had not met my ex it would have been someone else who took me to the place where I felt I needed to get help to work on myself.

It could have been far worse for me for sure.  In the end, as painful a journey as it was, it was a life lesson that will never be forgotten.

No regrets at all, but then I was only on again off again for about two years all told.  Had it been longer I think I would have had a few regrets about the time I had wasted.  As it stands two years of the relationship and one year of healing is a small price to pay for the lessons I learned in the end.

That said I wouldn't want to do it again !

[Cyndi]

Yes!  Even though I try very hard to find some reason for this and what has happened, and look for any sliver of hope that I learned from all this pain and suffering, I really can't justify it in any way.  It just feels like a complete waste of time, and I learned nothing from it except maybe not to repeat it in the future.  But since these people are so good as fooling you in the beginning and getting you hooked till it's too late, even that's not a guarentee.

Dunno, maybe I'm just having a bad day!

[tracer]

I COMPLETELY AND TOTALLY REGRET IT!

I WAS RELATIVELY HAPPY B4 THE REALTIONSHIP AND THIS PAST YEAR OF GETTING OVER HER HAS BEEN THE HARDEST TIME OF MY LIFE.

;== ;== ;== ;== ;== ;== ;== ;== ;== ;== ;== ;==

[gertrude]

No - I don't regret it, even though it was so painful and I'm still in recovery now.  I had had a very long, bad marriage.  He opened my heart to love again.  That was good.  He taught me some wonderful things.  Most of all, when it became apparent that he was too emotionally unbalanced (before I had a diagnosis from my therapist) for me to handle and ever be happy with him, I was able to let him go.  Over the weekend, after 8 weeks of no contact, I had this incredible surge of strength and empowerment that I never in my life had felt before.  I stayed strong, I rebuffed his attempt to come back, and that is so incredibly gratifying.  So no - No regrets - what's the point.  Take the good stuff from it - especially what you can learn about yourself, and then move on to a happier place. I am still sad, yes, and prone to crying every once in a while, but each day that passes it becomes easier to pull out the good things.  (BUT! as has been posted in several places - I have a detailed journal which I still refer to - but thankfully much less frequently, that helps remind me of how much better off I am.)  But, all of our experiences are different. 

[bpdex100]

No, I don't regret it as it has made me stronger, a better person and more understanding of the opposite sex. However, even though I have been out of Oz for 3 years now I am (as my partner frequently tells me) quite sensitive to any situation in my present relationship that causes friction. In other words during any 'normal' cause of a disagreement in a relationship like money, kids, etc, I am sometimes quite difficult and refuse to back down, probably as a result of the past and my determination not to allow myself to be downtrodden again.

Anyone else out of Oz but now in new relationship like this?

[turquoise]

BPDex100,

You raise a very interesting point. My situation is not similar to yours as I have been out of OZ for one year. However, when meeting new people, regardless of the intentions, as it could be for friendship or for a more intimate relationship, I believe that I tend to see red flags that might not really be there.

Having miss those with my exBP, I guess one could say that I have now repetitive hallucinatory visions of red flags everywhere !

Turquoise !

[StressedinCleveland]

I do regret it deeply. I regret it even though we were happy for the first 5 years, until out son was born and postpartum depression started her spiral into mental illness.

I do have my son. I don't regret him. But I have discussed the issue frankly with him. From my son's perspective as an Unchosen, he feels that he would have been the same person if he had had a different mother "only less neurotic". He does, fortunately, take much more strongly after me than after his mother. Even as an infant, he was closer to me than to his mother. So the bottom line is that even my son regrets my marriage to The Sickly Puppetmaster.

[willowtree007]

I do regret it deeply. I regret it even though we were happy for the first 5 years, until out son was born and postpartum depression started her spiral into mental illness.

I do have my son. I don't regret him. But I have discussed the issue frankly with him. From my son's perspective as an Unchosen, he feels that he would have been the same person if he had had a different mother "only less neurotic". He does, fortunately, take much more strongly after me than after his mother. Even as an infant, he was closer to me than to his mother. So the bottom line is that even my son regrets my marriage to The Sickly Puppetmaster.

Hi Stressed,

Postpartum depression after my brother was born kicked off my Mom's first episode of Schizophrenia.

I have wanted to ask you this for such a long time - You have such disdain for your wife and from your writing, it appears that your son does, too. May I ask, why do you stay with her?

My Dad was extremely critical and in a way, I've thought that God gave him what he craved for by giving him a mentally ill wife. He had someone that he could berate and belittle. My Mother and her mental illness fulfilled his needs.

Why do you stay?

Wil

[StressedinCleveland]

I have been waiting for her to get a job, on the advice of my lawyer. She has been playing games with pretending to look for work for the past year, but now finally after her unemployment ran out she has two part time jobs. So the end will be coming within a few weeks, after she gets her first paycheck. Yay!

Why wait until she has a job? Alimony payments are set based on income at the time of filing. I can try to "impugn" income to her, but it's iffy with her many "illnesses" and the high rate of unemployment in Cleveland, and it would be a big long expensive court battle. Also, kicking her to the curb with no income would be inhumane (or at least appear to be) and I would get socked for huge bills from the court to cover her expenses. It's not that I'm cheap, but rather that we are on the brink of bankruptcy with $98,000 in credit card debt she ran up. I managed to reduce our debt from $106,000 a year ago, on my income alone while paying huge interest rates, but things are very precarious.

[NHBeachBum]

There are so many people on this sight filled with anger and regret toward their bp --- And that is completely appropriate.  The damage from these relationships is overwhelming.  I have my own regrets about my own relationship. At this point, I'm still regretting how much $$ it cost me and how long it's taking me to recover from that.

However... .IMHO, the thing to examine here is WHY you got involved with that person.  Chances are that when you got involved with your bp, you weren't mentally healthy yourself.  I know we all feel we were duped by our bp, but if you TRULY examine the relationship, the signals were there.  The fact that we ignored the flags and signals says a lot about US.

I can't recall anyone on this sight saying, "well there I was minding my own business, being mentally healthy myself, when this bp came along a blew up my world."  It may feel that way, but it simply isn't true.

For me, it took this relationship for me to get it. I was making bad choices in partners, I was being drawn to people that weren't a good fit for me.  Most of us, if we are honest, would say that we have been with other people that were not right for us -- maybe they weren't mentally ill, but we were still drawn to some kind of dysfunctional, imbalanced relationship.  Unfortunately for me -- it took being involved with the cadillac of mental dysfunction to get my attention.  I needed to change ME.

For that knowledge, I feel no regret because as I continue to heal, I KNOW this is a lesson that will not need to be repeated.

For all the stupidity and drama that happened with my bp, of course I regret all of that, but if I hadn't endured all of that bs, I would probably STILL be picking people that are wrong for me because of my OWN issues.

When we stop blaming THEM (even though they may deserve blame) and look in the mirror is when we start to recover!

Turtle

Turtle,

You made a very interesting post. I think many on bpdfamily have regrets for what they went through because we never deserved the unfair, abusive treatment that we got. As for anger, personally - the ONLY one I am angry at is myself for my own stupid, impulsive decision to get into this relationship & stay for as long as I did.

Reading through this thread is pretty interesting. I think that most who have been in NC for a longer period of time have a lot of regrets when they look back. It appears that many who are starting or new to the process of healing seem to almost "justify" (for lack of a better word) the ordeal they experienced in order to gain insght into themselves & be a better person. I don't think anyone on bpdfamily (though I don't want to speak for an entire board!) would regret gaining valuable knowledge. I think the issue is at what cost did we have to pay and why they hell did we have to go through it in the first place in order to educate ourselves.

Of course I regret the absolute hell I went through last year because, like most others, I thought I found my "soul mate" & wanted to help her better herself in order for us to be together. I regret it mainly because life just shouldn't be this harsh & unfair. Why did she have to be ill? Why couldn't I have simply read a book to learn my lesson? I can't go back & change things in the past, but as I posted earlier, this would be the one thing that I would change. Since we're playing "Monday morning quarterback", I do regret my decision & the pain it has caused not just me, by my family. Since I can't go back in time, I have no choice but to learn from my mistake, accept life as it is, and move on & live the life that I want & be the person I want to be. I don't dwell on my mistakes but this whopper I really, truly regret.

I think another analogy would be if I were a gambling addict (3:1 odds says I'm really not  ) & I lost everything in Vegas but learned that I have a problem with gambling. Valuable life lesson but I would have a lot of regrets. Mainly I would regret it that I couldn't have figured it out sooner & stopped my behavior before there was too much damage. I don't think that I would be having no regrets after that event because it taught me to not gamble & stay away from Vegas. The lesson was learned a little too late after too much damage. I can ACCEPT what has happened and deal with it... .but do I have no regrets about it? Sorry - I do.

-NHBB

[turtle]

I think another analogy would be if I were a gambling addict (3:1 odds says I'm really not  ) & I lost everything in Vegas but learned that I have a problem with gambling. Valuable life lesson but I would have a lot of regrets. Mainly I would regret it that I couldn't have figured it out sooner & stopped my behavior before there was too much damage. I don't think that I would be having no regrets after that event because it taught me to not gamble & stay away from Vegas. The lesson was learned a little too late after too much damage. I can ACCEPT what has happened and deal with it... .but do I have no regrets about it? Sorry - I do.

-NHBB

Oh don't misunderstand NHBB -- I definitely have my regrets!

This is a GREAT analogy.  And... .sadly not that far from the truth.  I took a huge gamble on my xbf, and I nearly lost everything -- my health, my money, my business, my friends, my family, my sanity (I still wonder where that is sometimes :P.) It's been 5 years and I still haven't recovered financially and oftentimes wonder if I have the energy to keep at it. 

And like you I'm angry at myself for putting up with all of his bs and abuse for even one minute. And THAT was apparently the lesson I had to learn.  To value myself enough to NEVER again give away my personal power.  I had done this on a smaller scale over and over and over again in my romantic relationships.  However, THIS time, I gave my personal power to someone who was mentally ill and he tore me up.  The house definitely won and I never should've been gambling in the FIRST place!

I am convinced beyond a shadow of a doubt that I will never have to learn this lesson again.  Thank God, because if I hadn't learned it THIS time, the next time would've killed me.

Turtle

[Bob58]

Reading through this thread is pretty interesting. I think that most who have been in NC for a longer period of time have a lot of regrets when they look back. It appears that many who are starting or new to the process of healing seem to almost "justify" (for lack of a better word) the ordeal they experienced in order to gain insght into themselves & be a better person.

I think if you were to look closely, you'd see that it's, actually, the exact opposite.

[Sybgow]

"Reading through this thread is pretty interesting. I think that most who have been in NC for a longer period of time have a lot of regrets when they look back. It appears that many who are starting or new to the process of healing seem to almost "justify" (for lack of a better word) the ordeal they experienced in order to gain insght into themselves & be a better person."

"I think if you were to look closely, you'd see that it's, actually, the exact opposite."




I'd disagree with you both. I think it's a mix. And appropriately so. We each see things as we see them. I think this whole thread revolves around our individual interpretation of the term "regret." Some see it from the angle of personal responsibility of our actions versus the actions of the BPD. Others see it from "our" side only, and our "role" in the whole thing. Neither may be completely correct. It really doesn't matter. It's still been an enlightening discussion.


I still "regret" I ever met her, though.

[willowtree007]

I have been waiting for her to get a job, on the advice of my lawyer. She has been playing games with pretending to look for work for the past year, but now finally after her unemployment ran out she has two part time jobs. So the end will be coming within a few weeks, after she gets her first paycheck. Yay!

Why wait until she has a job? Alimony payments are set based on income at the time of filing. I can try to "impugn" income to her, but it's iffy with her many "illnesses" and the high rate of unemployment in Cleveland, and it would be a big long expensive court battle. Also, kicking her to the curb with no income would be inhumane (or at least appear to be) and I would get socked for huge bills from the court to cover her expenses. It's not that I'm cheap, but rather that we are on the brink of bankruptcy with $98,000 in credit card debt she ran up. I managed to reduce our debt from $106,000 a year ago, on my income alone while paying huge interest rates, but things are very precarious.

Thank you, Stressed. I understand your postion now and the need to ensure that you both get a fair financial outcome. I hope my blunt question didn't offend you. I'm glad that I asked, because a lurking suspicion (on my part) has been dispelled. Good luck!

Wil

[bewildered2]

we have all learned a lot, but at great expense.

we learned about mental illness, we learned about not taking crap from a significant other, or anybody. we learned that if something seems too good to be true, it is. we learned that there are people out there who can f--k you up in ways you can't believe. we learned how to bleed, and we learned about pain. we learned about making poor choices, and about developing personal strength so we don't do it again. we learned not to trust too readily. we learned not to be too patient. we learned about abuse. we learned to cut our losses. we learned how to value ourselves.

regret means you wouldn't do it all over again.

would i recommend that anyone go thru an experience of loving a BPD to learn the lessons i have learned? no. did the good outbalance the bad? not even close. so i guess that means i regret the whole experience. i don't like being abused. i don't like mental torture, whatever i might learn from it. 

borderlines, through no fault of their own, are bad bad news. but i don't think anyone needs to swallow some poison to learn that it is bad for you. unless of course they're just plain stupid.

i have made decisions in life that have not worked out too well. do i regret those choices? no, because i know why i did what i did and i felt like i had plenty of info at hand to decide. never in my wildest dreams could i have imagined that my ex-bpgf could think the way she does, and behave the way she does, because she is insane. so i was dealing with the unknown and unimaginable, and it nearly killed me.

i regret that i didn't know about mental illness before i had to learn the hard way.

b2

 

[nevergiveup]

It wasn't only my ex that I have had unhealthy relationships with, but all through my life I have been drawn to "difficult" people. Now that I have read up on BPD relationships and see how often children of a BPD parent end up subconsciously latching onto other BPDs because of their childhood issues, well I don't know if I can say I regret my relationship with my ex, it's more like I regret not finding out this crucial information a lot earlier in life. Now I am starting to understand why I have misguidedly spent my life trying to right other peoples problems. From now on I will be careful to look for those red flags and I regret I didn't have the chance to do that years ago.

[TonyC]

good question... .i have come to the end of my rope with... .the cycles... .i remember the first kiss ... .the firstime we made eye contact... .the first i love you but i also remember the first time i was hit... .the first time she moved out in the middle of the night ... .the first time i witnessed her curse out a woman in a restaurant im not sure ... .after 4 years on and off bpdfamily and in and out of a relation ship... .

i wonder if i had donated my efforts to a average relationship as to tryting to fix the last relationship would i be happier... .i will continue to wonder

[liberateddad]

Tony... .ah yes!

... .i remember the first kiss ... .the firstime we made eye contact... .the first i love you but i also remember the first time i was hit... .

And i remember the firdt sage and how I felt. The first time I went to a counselor and asked I am wrong.  I relive all the rages and fights.  The stalking and harrassment.  The abrupt leaving, name calling and fear.   I remember a night in jail as well.           but i do remember the first kiss!

Still do not regret that.         LD

[waylander]

YES. i wish i never set eye's on her, im still waiting for her to try and get in touch as somehow i know she will, i have to avoid parties and drinks that i think she could be at, i have never had to do that with anyone in my life before, when someone se'ts out to hurt you in any way shape or form then they must be avoided at all cost's, for me i just never saw it coming , and i would never wish that pain on anyone AND I WILL NEVER FORGET IT. it has made me very wary of another relationship,emotionaly, fragile still after 8 months, im angry, no good came of it at all... .ENOUGH SAID

[bigredboomer]

I completely regret my BPD/NPD relationships.

The only thing I don't regret is the 5 months I spent raising my partners kids.  That forever changed me.

[Recooperating]

Regrets... .Yes and no... .

He was my first love, i was 19... .We've been communicating and seeingb each other off and on for 14 years. We both tried to move on but always came back together (read recycled a lot!) 2 years ago we decided to get back together, 3 days later he proposed and I said YES! (God knows why) things got worse from there... .He got diagnosed BPD and I got abused, lied to, cheated on, manipulated, devaluated, idealized, isolated... .Etc.

I got out before we got married, i would have regretted the marriage and possible children... .

Now I am glad I eliminated all the what ifs... .And the some!

Im also glad this has shown me a lot about myself and my flaws too. I get to work on them now and still have a chance to find a good and nice guy to raise a family with... .

[bigredboomer]

Good for you!

[willtimeheal]

I learned a lot about myself but I was  perfectly happy before she came along.  I wish I never got involved with her.

[tired-of-it-all]

I truly regret all the years, no decades, that I wasted being unhappy.  A short period of this might have been good for me had I learned from it and moved on.  I am too thickheaded for that. 

I tell my children that they have a right to be happy.  I tell them that they don't owe anyone their life or their happiness.  I tell them that, even though they don't need it, they have my permission to be happy.  That includes dumping a spouse or staying with a spouse.  Whichever makes them happy.  I don't want them making the same mistake that I made.

[x1985x]

Yes.

I do not regret anything else at all in my life, literally not one thing, but this is deserving. I lived with an inhuman, soulless wretch of a woman for six long and dark years. She absolutely brought out the worst in me. She took every gift I ever gave her and burned them in front of me. She lied to me, probably every single day. She hit me, she belittled me, she blamed me for everything. I gave her the axe and she buried it in my heart. I have never known such emptiness, it was my reality from the very beginning.

I am healing nicely and have since become a much better person, without a doubt. However, I know I didn't deserve that hell and I know I would have been much happier having never crossed paths with her. The price wasn't nearly worth the result.

[AG]

Hell yeah i regret it big time nuff said

[Hopeless777]

28 years, two kids, one grandson, and I regret ever laying eyes on her that first day. Sure we had good times, but the last 20 years have, for the most part, been horrid. Even when she was arrested for DV I hung in there and went to her therapy sessions. It took another year of escalating violence before I permanently left, after 3 recycles. Half my life was wasted on this evil acting woman who now tries to even poison my relationship with my adult children, while she tries to bankrupt me. Regrets? I have more than a few as I did life her way. I was a co-dependent fool. I hope I survive it all.

[Blimblam]

Regret is a complex emotion. I feel like regret is an emotion to be processed from this interaction very far into the journey of healing. 

[BuildingFromScratch]

Losing like 7 friends, and spending 12 years in an emotional coma, and being so destroyed that three years out I'm still a mess? Yes, I regret it, but I don't think it's a good thing to focus on. I think it's better to look on the bright side of it as often as possible. There's a million truths you can point out, but only the ones that help you matter.

[Turkish]

This thread has reached its posting limit. It is a worthwhile topic.

Please feel free to start a new thread.