The line between healing and hate

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I won't lie, some days, I hate my xhwBPD.

And I mean, hate. Blind, raging, horrifying hate. More than I've hated anyone or anything in my life.

It's not something I'm used to.

Retaliation becomes a tempting thought in those moments, but the reality of ACTING on it puts a knot in my stomach and frankly, I'm just not cut out for that sort of thing.

Even as a kid, I hated fighting. One time a girl in the schoolyard picked a fight with me. Despite my upbringing (roughhousing, sports ... .very big tomboy), I couldn't hit her. Finally, after getting the snot kicked out of me, I threw a punch. I knew I was going to hit her in the face, and hard, but I just couldn't do it, and at the last second, I altered my aim and hit her in the shoulder instead. I felt sick and hated myself for fighting.

I was never comfortable with acting on feelings of revenge, or hate, in any capacity.

I learned at a very early age to negotiate my way out of fights. Didn't always work, some bullies just can't be reasoned with, but for the most part, I had to learn at a young age that talking, being mature and reasonable was the best course of action.

The one time I successfully threw a punch was in my early twenties. A man attempted to sexually assault me on a first date, in his car, and I punched him in the face with all my might because he refused to unlock the passenger side door after I screamed at him to do so. I bruised his face (saw him a few days later) and was actually quite proud of myself.

This was the one time I had ever done anything like that, and felt okay with it.

But the hate I feel for my ex is something very, very different. It's not provoked out of fear, or self-defense. It's a deep, seething kind of hate I've never known was possible.

And the fact that this exists within me makes me feel sick as well. I keep telling myself to move beyond it, to let it go, to just accept the anger as PART of the healing process and not let it define me. But it terrifies me sometimes.

This isn't to say that I would ever act on it. Our child means everything to me, and I love the little one more than I hate him. Also, acting on it is just one of those things I've never been all that good at. It never sits well with me, and the rare time I've had to *act* I've always chickened out (expect for that one time in that guy's car).

I constantly feel as if I need to re-center myself. Remind myself that hate isn't something I want in my life, because it's just toxic, and I've had more than my fair share of "toxic" in my life. The toxicity of my relationship to him should not be left behind in my mind. My mind shouldn't be a dumping ground for his insanity, sitting inside me, rent free, creating hate and negative feelings that serve no real purpose.

I feel like I need to purge myself of all this before I can move into a legitimate "freedom" stage of detachment.

How do you move beyond the hate?

[MommaBear]

I won't lie, some days, I hate my xhwBPD.

And I mean, hate. Blind, raging, horrifying hate. More than I've hated anyone or anything in my life.

It's not something I'm used to.

Retaliation becomes a tempting thought in those moments, but the reality of ACTING on it puts a knot in my stomach and frankly, I'm just not cut out for that sort of thing.

Even as a kid, I hated fighting. One time a girl in the schoolyard picked a fight with me. Despite my upbringing (roughhousing, sports ... .very big tomboy), I couldn't hit her. Finally, after getting the snot kicked out of me, I threw a punch. I knew I was going to hit her in the face, and hard, but I just couldn't do it, and at the last second, I altered my aim and hit her in the shoulder instead. I felt sick and hated myself for fighting.

I was never comfortable with acting on feelings of revenge, or hate, in any capacity.

I learned at a very early age to negotiate my way out of fights. Didn't always work, some bullies just can't be reasoned with, but for the most part, I had to learn at a young age that talking, being mature and reasonable was the best course of action.

The one time I successfully threw a punch was in my early twenties. A man attempted to sexually assault me on a first date, in his car, and I punched him in the face with all my might because he refused to unlock the passenger side door after I screamed at him to do so. I bruised his face (saw him a few days later) and was actually quite proud of myself.

This was the one time I had ever done anything like that, and felt okay with it.

But the hate I feel for my ex is something very, very different. It's not provoked out of fear, or self-defense. It's a deep, seething kind of hate I've never known was possible.

And the fact that this exists within me makes me feel sick as well. I keep telling myself to move beyond it, to let it go, to just accept the anger as PART of the healing process and not let it define me. But it terrifies me sometimes.

This isn't to say that I would ever act on it. Our child means everything to me, and I love the little one more than I hate him. Also, acting on it is just one of those things I've never been all that good at. It never sits well with me, and the rare time I've had to *act* I've always chickened out (expect for that one time in that guy's car).

I constantly feel as if I need to re-center myself. Remind myself that hate isn't something I want in my life, because it's just toxic, and I've had more than my fair share of "toxic" in my life. The toxicity of my relationship to him should not be left behind in my mind. My mind shouldn't be a dumping ground for his insanity, sitting inside me, rent free, creating hate and negative feelings that serve no real purpose.

I feel like I need to purge myself of all this before I can move into a legitimate "freedom" stage of detachment.

How do you move beyond the hate?

[Pingo]

I am reading the book 'The emotionally abused woman' and she recommends acting out your anger (don't stifle it) but act out in a healthy way.  She suggests different things such as hitting pillows, screaming, journaling and expressing your rage, kick-boxing (or other exercise), etc.  I think women have a hard time with this level of anger as we are usually taught growing up that women don't express hatred or rage.  But if you don't express it somehow it'll end up getting turned inward (what I've been doing for years).  One day not too long ago I got so angry because I burned myself on my toaster oven and I guess because I had been stifling all this anger over my break up with my ex I started throwing things around the room, threw my phone against the wall... .after I laughed hysterically because it was so foreign for me to do such a thing.  But cathartic!  And thankfully my phone was okay .

Also she talks about how rage towards our abuser is sometimes mixed up with rage for our original abuser (negligent or abusive parent, authority figure, etc.)

[Lion Fire]

I'm with you MommaBear!

I've been going through an intense and unfamiliar period of despising my ex for the the things she said and did. I was feeling dreadful, caught up in resentment and anger. My thoughts were toxic.

I reached out here and the guidance I received was to engage in a healthy process to release such a sport. I've been journaling and praying too and the fever of hatred has subsided considerably.

The upside is that these feelings have strengthened my resolve to cut her out of my life without reservations. I've imposed NC for 59 days now and have blanked numerous attempts by her to Charm me back into her sick story.

I have never felt this much disgust towards anyone and it shocked me.

By nature I am temperate and peaceful so this was unsettling.

I wish you peace :-)

[Mr Hollande]

My hatred and anger is slow and simmering. If it had been more intense it may have burned itself out but just it goes on and on. I don't know if it will ever end.

[thereishope]

  I think women have a hard time with this level of anger as we are usually taught growing up that women don't express hatred or rage.  But if you don't express it somehow it'll end up getting turned inward (what I've been doing for years). 

I am embarrassed to say that dealings with uBPDh have left me so upset at times, that I've punched myself in the head a few times... .not good I know... .but I just wanted to share it, as embarrassing as it is, as confirmation of what Pingo just said.  We do internalize it if we don't get it out in healthy ways.

[seeking balance]

How do you move beyond the hate?

MommaBear,

I could have written your post a few years ago, my anger and hate had been comfortable as a kid (it was allowed as opposed to tears) but my rage was starting to scare me a bit.

I worked out a lot, re-centered a lot - to maintain.

Eventually, I gave myself permission to "go there" - feel it.  I was so sick of  fighting it - so, I  spent hours punching pillows, talking outloud what I wanted to say - honestly, leaning into that rage.  ALL of it, from everything ever in my life.

The dam broke and a very deep sadness and tears resulted.  It felt like it lasted forever and I would never break out - it was hours, but felt like days... .the tears stopped.  I breathed a deep sigh and slept.

For a long time after in my hot yoga class, tears would fall - great thing about hot yoga is all sweaty so nobody can tell... .the tears made space for my healing.

When you are exhausted enough by the rage, lean into it to get to the other side.  It is scary, but it is the only way that I have seen through it.  You are stronger than you know and the greatest strength is the ability to be vulnerable.  Giving ourselves permission and time to "go there" - what a gift.

Peace,

SB

[OutOfEgypt]

MommaBear,

This is where I'm at now.  The anger is necessary to find your voice again and come to terms with what you actually experienced, since at the time we lived in a fog and unconsciously numbed ourselves out in order to survive the trauma.  So, it's good to a point.  But yes, it can turn into hate.  

The thing that has helped me is in becoming tired of hating.  I thank God for it.  I thank God for showing me how emotionally and physically taxing hating her is.  I thank Him for showing me that in the end I'm the one suffering, and it isn't worth it.  I've seen this back and forth, up and down, for a few months, but I'm coming to the place where I'm ready to be finally done with it.  Of course, then she will do something crazy and piss me off again, but it will again be a choice to let go.

When I get tired of feeling the weight and pain of hating her, I am ready to let it go.  When I see and begin to really embrace my new life, and love it, I am ready to let it go.  I am ready to forgive.  I'm ready to be free.  I am ready to take an attitude of peace toward her -never forgetting, never letting her close, but still an attitude of resolved peace.

I also have to agree with seeking balance.  Often the hate is a way to avoid feeling grief and pain.  It can be a defense mechanism.  It "feels better" to be angry and hateful, to a degree, or so we tell ourselves.  Sometimes, as we are healing through this, we just need to allow ourselves to truly feel the entire weight of the grief for all the hell we have lived through.  That's the way through.

Hating them feels safer.  We feel protected in a weird way.  But there is a cost in the end.  I'm feeling the cost, and I'm ready to let it go.

[Mutt]

“When you look at the dark side, careful you must be…for the dark side looks back.” ~ Master Yoda

Anger serves it's purpose. There's a point I reached where I had to let it go.

[elessar]

I went through the anger and hate phase. I have stopped hating once I accepted that its the illness. I still feel angry every now and then, but nothing compared to last year. For a simple reason... .when I ask myself "does anything about her surprise you anymore? are you surprised that she did this or could do that?" my answer is "No". Nothing surprises me anymore. I just have a chuckle when I see it all going down... .

[Harri]

Hi MommaBear.  I have anger and rage too.  It is not at all pleasant to realize I am capable of those emotions, but I am.  They do exist within me. 

I think sometimes we forget that anger and rage are perfectly normal and even appropriate reactions/emotions to have.  They are not pleasant and I do not like seeing them in me but they are there.  I am not at all good at managing my anger and I have let it build, stifled and denied it to the point where they crossed the line into being abnormal reactions, so I don't know much about working with the anger and rage effectively.  What I do know is that the only way past the anger and rage is to go through it.  Acknowledge it, feel it, remind yourself they are perfectly normal emotions and then... .____ <--- and that blank is the part where I get stuck.  I am not good at releasing them in ways where they do not creep back in.  I think others here have covered that part very well though!  Do what they suggest!  LOL 

I want to say that reading your thread has helped me to see why I get stuck at the release stage and I want to thank you for that.  You helped me see I have some work to do in terms of changing the way I define me... .Apparently I have this mental image of me as some type of Badass/superhero Biker Chick in my head.     The anger and rage are a part of that... .and are a defense mechanism that I need to change.

Thanks MommaBear.  You can work through this. 

[myself]

I haven't found much hate, and probably never will.

But I'm far from feeling as much in love as I was.

Like I had to chew my own foot off to get free of the trap.

[Rise]

Anger can be a tricky emotion to get through. I think part of that is because anger is a secondary emotion. It springs from a primary emotion such as pain, embarrassment, sadness, etc. I know that personally, I use it as a shield. It's easier to feel angry than immediately confront the other things I'm feeling. I find the anger starts to fade when I no longer need it to protect myself. Give it time and you may find that once you're ready to confront the emotions behind the anger, it will start to go away on it's own.

[Popcorn71]

I won't lie, some days, I hate my xhwBPD.

And I mean, hate. Blind, raging, horrifying hate. More than I've hated anyone or anything in my life.

Retaliation becomes a tempting thought in those moments,

Same here.  The retaliation part is strongest.  I want to get my own back somehow.  I think that once he has had his payback, I'll be able to get over things much easier.  That's the thing that makes me most angry, the fact that he walked away without any of the pain he put me through.

I just try to ignore the feeling and concentrate on the good things in my life.  Some days that works, some days it doesn't.  Maybe time will help?

[Pingo]

Anger can be a tricky emotion to get through. I think part of that is because anger is a secondary emotion. It springs from a primary emotion such as pain, embarrassment, sadness, etc. I know that personally, I use it as a shield. It's easier to feel angry than immediately confront the other things I'm feeling. I find the anger starts to fade when I no longer need it to protect myself. Give it time and you may find that once you're ready to confront the emotions behind the anger, it will start to go away on it's own.

I read an article today about the emotions beneath anger:

G  Guilt

I  Inferior/Insignificant

F  Fear

T  Trauma/Triggers from your past

Something to think about.

[Gmoney]

The frist and last punch I have thrown in anger in my adult life was last Oct.  When I discovered affair number 3.  She was with her co workers at a strip club and i suspected she was messing with her boss.  I watched them leave the club kiss get into his car.  They drove behind a grocery store and parked. I waited about 5 mins.  Snuck over to car to try to get evidence.  Well i could see them inside making out lime high schoolers  but the phone could not see it clearly.  So i opened her door and exclaimed " got u mother fu@kers."  They were so drunk.  .  Anyway he (her boss) married with kids lunged for my phone in the left hand.  I responded with a right hand to his face.  I mean it was with the anger of 3 affairs and the rage and hate if the final year if our marriage.   I split is nose.   

Now knowing what i know i feel so bad.  The man is a so unattractive.  But she roped him in.  I think she had been messing with him for a few months.  She still works for same company. But told me she had to re interview for her job last week on an e mail.  Once she leaves/ gets fired part of me wants to reach out to him an apologize and part of me want to know if i was right thinking it had been going on for a month or two.   

But the divorce is almost final.  She has her brand new replacement.  39 days after she ended the thing with her boss.   My T (also our marriage T) seams to think she will be engaged shortly after the D is finalized. 

Poor sucker of a replacement.  I can only imagine the poor little me stories she told him and how he must feel its his job to save her and they meant for each other etc etc.   

The funny thing is what is about to play out is going to be so predicable.   Wonder how long she will get him to stay? We had 3 kids together thats how i stayed for 14 total 12 married.

Side note i see my T on monday. We going to work on my self esteem and fix me.   Now that i understand what the hell happen to me the last 14 years. 

Shout out to my new GF who after a month of dating her told me to google BPD based on the fog i would get from her.  Bc if that never happened i would still be allowing her to use the piss out of me.

Sorry for long post that was everywhere.  Still healing.  At least my mind knows whats up.  Now to get the heart to catch up. 

[tired-of-it-all]

I learned a lot of good life tools in the alanon program.  It teaches detach with love.  That is impossible when we are still reeling from the emotional abuse.  I heard an old Ninja of alanon say once that if you can't detach with love then detach with hate but detach.  Eventually as we get better and distance ourselves from the problem, the hate goes away.  Hate is something that we have to feel sometimes.  Feelings are not wrong unless we act on them in an inappropriate way.  Once you have a little time to grieve the situation, you won't waste the energy on hate anymore.

[Hope0807]

I'm with you too, MommaBear.  Only a few months out and not a solid week yet of NC, I find myself saying "I've never actually HATED anyone…but this is getting damn close."

Daily doses of sunlight, serious exercise, journaling and several other components are helping me to cope and heal.  It's all easier said than done.  I fall short on what I know I should be doing for myself each day.  Although I'm told over and over that I should be grateful I was able to walk away without the lifetime attachment of kids, I do envy that you have a child to help you stay busy and focused.  Wishing you peace and a light heart for bigger portions of your days.

[Infared]

The hate will subside with time. I had rageful anger, but I don't know if I truly had hate. Luckily I have never been a jealous guy so I really didn't have any anger come up toward my replacement. I directed 99% of it at her... .but really contained myself and did not act out like her, tell any lies or try to take revenge.  I wanted to detach with love even tho ugh, I was soo hurt and angry... .all I have is me now and I wanted to act like a guy that I could love. Thank God I did... .sometimes that is all that I have to hang onto. I have absolute No Contact... . And I still have sadness more than anything about everything that went down, but then, of course, I respected and cherished our relationship. She could care less.

Here is what I know about resentment:

"It's like you taking poison and expecting the other person to die"

[BuildingFromScratch]

Hatred is when you dilute yourself into believing people are evil, so as to explain pain, you or people you care about are suffering. It's a stain on the soul and although inevitable for most people, it's not useful at all. Look at borderlines and how much their hatred destroys them and their lives.

Anger can be healthy though, it's a passing emotion and to me, in situations such as this, it signifies that you think you deserved better than what you got. It's about valuing yourself! If you find healthy ways to get it out, it's definitely valuable. It can help you recoup your self esteem. I personally have a lot of repressed anger that I still need to let out.

[Blimblam]

Hatred is when you dilute yourself into believing people are evil, so as to explain pain, you or people you care about are suffering. It's a stain on the soul and although inevitable for most people, it's not useful at all. Look at borderlines and how much their hatred destroys them and their lives.

Anger can be healthy though, it's a passing emotion and to me, in situations such as this, it signifies that you think you deserved better than what you got. It's about valuing yourself! If you find healthy ways to get it out, it's definitely valuable. It can help you recoup your self esteem. I personally have a lot of repressed anger that I still need to let out.

Brilliant post building! 

I think evil would be considered absence of light. The human manifestation being a psychopath. One who does not feel love and does not fear loss of love.

[Turkish]

MommaBear, congratulations on defending yourself against what sounded like a potential sexual assault. You did what you needed to do.

Your comments about hold in back in other situations are interesting. As a child growing up in your home, did you feel safe expressing your feelings?