Who has cheated? What did you learn?

[Depression = 72% of members]

Feel free to just respond if you are not comfortable.  

I can pretty much honestly say that every major relationship I've been in the guy has either cheated or seriously considered it.  I'm bothered by the fact that so many guys do this, or look at porn/go to strip clubs... .I don't think women feel the need to do this kind of thing and would really like to understand it.  

[elphaba]

Feel free to just respond if you are not comfortable.  

I can pretty much honestly say that every major relationship I've been in the guy has either cheated or seriously considered it.  I'm bothered by the fact that so many guys do this, or look at porn/go to strip clubs... .I don't think women feel the need to do this kind of thing and would really like to understand it.  

[turtle]

I’ve read this post about four times now and tried to respond, then just stopped.  It’s so hard for me to post here because I’m so ashamed of what I did to my ex husband.

My marriage was in trouble when jackass came along.  I could list a thousand reasons WHY I cheated on my ex husband. However, no matter how good of a defense I can present for my actions, the bottom line is no matter what I felt he did to ME, he didn’t deserve what I did to HIM!  This is something that will haunt me until the day I die.  My marriage probably would’ve ended anyway, but I’m not really sure about that and for me to put this kind of an exclamation point on it was just thoughtless, mean, selfish and stupid!  And…….the devastation and destruction that followed my decision to be unfaithful is still just overwhelming to think about. 

I’ve asked myself a million times why I chose to cheat and why I cheated with someone who was mentally ill.  Honestly, I have to say I cheated because I was so emotionally unhealthy at the time and I cheated with someone who was mentally ill because, IMO, that’s who cheats – people who are mentally and emotionally unhealthy!  Healthy people aren’t into cheating. They aren’t running around looking (consciously or unconsciously) for someone else to fill whatever hole they have in their heart.  I’m not saying that healthy people don’t have the desire or opportunity to cheat, but I honestly believe that healthy people don’t put themselves in situations to cheat and they respect the person they are in a relationship way too much to do that to their partner.

Elph, I’m embarrassed to admit my cheating, but you asked, and I will always be honest with you and everyone else on this board.

:'( :'( :'(Turtle

[turtle]

One more thing... .

I think one of the reasons I've had such a hard time getting over this whole BPD mess is that I often feel that my relationship with jackass was the punishment for what I had done to my exhusband.  I often feel that I've deserved every piece of crap jackass has dished out.

I know that my marriage was in serious trouble, but if I could turn back the hands of time... .I would've ended that first before I moved on to someone else.  If I had done THAT, I'm certain that I would've picked an entirely different kind of person, instead of someone like jackass.

Turtle

[PDQuick]

I have to admit that I did cheat on her too. I am horribly embarrassed by it, but in respect to Turtle putting it out there, I have to honor her and admit it. I have never owned up to it until now, as I didnt believe in it myself. I was vulnerable, and the lady was vulnerable, and it happened. A couple of times. But, My guilt got the better of me and I stopped it. The troubling thing is, I enjoyed the person, but didnt enjoy the feeling. I felt so guilty. Part of me was curious about the whole experience, because my ex did it quite often, and seemed to enjoy it. It almost became acceptable. Until I did it. Then it was exactly what I thought it was. Wrong.

We are good friends, and once I was out, she thought that maybe we could be together. I couldnt, and havent because how could I ever start a relationship with someone in that way. We are still good friends, and will always will be. We were two people in the wrong state of mind. I value her tremendously for that which she has taught me.

[NHBeachBum]

I never cheated in any of my past relationships until a couple years ago when my exBPDgf came into my life like a big, bright ray of sunshine. It really messed me up - like duh? I spent hours & hours trying to figure out why now, why her, what the hell was I thinking? Apparently I wasn't. My brain was on vacation that year.

It was the single, dumbest, hurtful, selfish, self-centered, idiotic, regretful decision I have ever made in my life. If there were one thing that I could ever go back & re-do... .that would be it. If anyone is thinking about it, learn a valuable lesson from me: DON'T DO IT! The guilt, shame, remorse, loss of self respect, tears - big price to pay. Treat others the way you want to be treated.

How would you feel if your SO cheated on you?

If your not OK with it then you probably shouldn't do it. Words of wisdom.

[NewLifeforHGG]

I was going to avoid this thread but I must be honest.

I kissed another man once. I have never been unfaithful before but it was at a low period. I was feeling unattractive and this guy made me feel really great. He was this really cute snowboarder who was so insightful and kind. He was building his own house and he was full of interesting stories. We talked for hours at a party and then he invited me back to his house. I knew it was a mistake but I kept going.

It wasn't a peck of a kiss, it was passionate kissing that lasted a long time. He had just broken up with his fiancee and we were both kind of needy and raw.

I must confess that I have never felt guilty about this. Maybe because Cap'n was so out of control during this period. Also because I was discovering his lies and he was flirting with other women shamelessly in front of me.

I would usually have been racked with guilt but I can't fully explain why I wasn't. It wasn't right but I never felt guilty.

I was beginning to realize that something was missing in my marriage. I don't condone this behavior and I would never do it again but at the time I was really hurting. It was a very dark period of my life.

We ended up moving across country soon after and I was relieved because I am not sure I would have been able to resist him long term.

[NHBeachBum]

There simply are no excuses for going outside of a relationship. Period. I did the unthinkable - especially given my past history of never doing it. I am my own worst & harshest critic. It doesn't define who I am but unfortunately it's a stigma that is now attached to my name forever. It's just like having an asterisk. I can't change the past; only look to the future & ensure that it never happens again. I went through so much, pain, remorse, shame, guilt, hurt, stress, trauma... .it simply wasn't worth it. I have no one to blame but myself.

It's like standing on a cliff, everyone telling me that jumping off is going to be painful, then leaping anyway. Just because I had a sick BPD girl whispering in my ear that there's lots of soft pillows below is still no excuse for my own stupidity. She was so not believable that it's ridiculous! Only makes me look so much more foolish!

What's done is done... .I take away the lessons learned, treat my soon-to-be-ex-wife with as much respect & support as possible, and focus on the wellbeing of my kids.

Nothing positive about dwelling on the past.

[Bdawn]

I have done many things in my past that I am deeply ashamed of now. I have spent some considerable time punishing myself but I have always thought the ultimate punishment would be to have one of my children taken away from me because they are the greatest loves of my life.

As for cheating, well my very first relationship started when I was just sixteen years old. We were together (off and on) for eight years and it was a very tumultous and dysfunctional relationship. I got pregnant very early in the relationship and we had a son. About 2 years into the relationship I not only found out that he was cheating on me, I found out that he had been cheating on me for pretty much the entire time we had been together. I was devastated, he was pretty much unremorseful. I should of left but I was so head over heels in love with him I just couldn't stay away. So I got even (I thought) by cheating right back. Then for a couple of years we had kind of a free for all where both he and I cheated on each other on a somewhat regular basis. It was disgusting.

Now for the worst of it and my biggest confession. He cheated on me yet again, I freaked and we broke up for a very short period. I became pregnant by someone else and then got back together with my oldest son's  father before I knew I was pregnant. When I found out I was pregnant I let him believe that he was the father for a few months. Eventually guilt won out and I told him the truth. We seperated and became friends (we had never actually been friends with each other before). After I had the baby he decided he wanted to come back. In out immaturity and desire to put the past behind us, we pretended that certain things never happened. As far as anyone was concerned he was the father to both of my children and to his credit he never once treated my baby any different from the child we had together. Still our relationship was volitile (we both had some serious unresolved issues) and we finally broke up for good about 5 years later. By this time neither one of us had cheated on the other for several years.

The ironic twist: Both of my sons are now young adults and my ex has remained in their lives. My oldest son (and my ex's biological child) has some hostility towards his father and rarely gives him the time of day. They see each other maybe three or four times a year and usually only on special occasions. By contrast my youngest son truly loves my ex and they get together on a almost weekly basis and talk on the phone all of the time. So the child that my ex is closest too and has bonded with the most is the one that isn't his, at least in the biological sense. My youngest son (he is twenty now) has no idea that this person is not his father and yes, this does haunt and torment me. I have wanted to tell him the truth several times over the years but my ex has always been against the idea. He becomes downright distraught whenever I have brought the subject up. I think he is afraid that my son will stop seeing him as his dad if he knew. And my son is so happy and well adjusted, I just don't want to do anything that will upset his life.

I was 24 when that relationship ended and I have never cheated on anyone again and I don't believe that he (my ex) has either.

I think we both learned that there are some very painful consequences to cheating.

[ViciousCycle]

I considered cheating many times, I even made accounts to do some online flirting but I ended up stopping myself before I really began. In my mind, it was still kind of cheating, so I do feel a lot of guilt about it. For awhile in my relationship I was staying purely based on a sense of obligation, but I wanted to leave and I felt trapped by that sense of obligation, the promises I made, and the great past memories with my uBPDx. She was a Waif, so she wasn't outwardly abusive and was pretty gentle most of the time but always had some sort of chaos going on within her. Being the kind of guy that I am, I would have felt extremely guilty if I left her because she needed me so damn much. I honestly felt like, if I left her, she would become extremely suicidal or really depressed and I just could not bare to do that to anybody and I think that is what lead me to even considering talking to others while I was in the relationship.

Ironically, my uBPDx actually ended the relationship by having an emotional (at least from what I know, could have been physical too) affair with one of her co-workers who happened to be a recovering Heroin addict. She described her whole love story with this guy to me over the phone after we broke up, she pretty much described it as a love at first sight kind of thing, said she wasn't even really physically attracted to the guy, and she didn't really know why she was so strongly attracted to him. That was probably the hardest thing for me to deal with, was to see her idealize someone so quickly like that just like she did with me and then realize that what she had for me was not true love.

Still hard to this day... .

[marbleloser]

The reason I'm here is because of my cheating.My exBPDgf is "Alex" from Fatal Attraction made over.I guess that makes me Michael Douglas,only with alot less money.

20 years of marriage gone from a 6 month affair.I've lost my children and my wife.I was pretty insecure as my wife isn't the romantic or touchy feely kind of woman.I wanted to have that because that's what I needed to "feel" loved.I felt like I was just here to pay the bills and take care of the kids.I felt unappreciated.I let that build up inside for years,instead of sitting down with my wife and discussing it.I didn't think I should have to tell her.I also held quite a lot of resentment for things my wife did in the past.She never cheated,but did other things that lowered my trust of her.She had stopped doing that for years and I still held that resentment.

I got to the point that I didn't feel like a man any more though.As a man,I wanted my wife to appreciate my providing for the family.

That's who I was.The protector and the provider.It was my idea of what a man is.Men make sacrifices for their wives and family.They work hard.

Then along came exBPDgf.She made me feel like a man again.She appreciated me.She appreciated the kind of father I was.She made me feel "special".I loved being on that pedestal.Years of being what I thought was unappreciated was suddenly turned into being the thing I wanted most.Appreciated. And I got the physical contact I was so badly missing.Someone who enjoyed holding my hand and sitting next to me.I was the happiest I had ever been.I could have been that happy with my wife,if only she had been that way,but that's not who she is.It's not her fault.

How has it changed me? I learned that the grass is definately not greener on the other side.To appreciate what you have.To be more vocal and let others know what I need.To think of others feelings before i do something.

[willy45]

I was with a woman before I met my ex BPD. We weren't married but had been together for several years. I had an affair for three months with ex BPD. She was with someone else at the time, too. She found it 'exciting'. I broke it off with her after I thought I had an STD from her (I didn't... .  but man oh man... .  the stress). I couldn't deal with the guilt so I broke up with the woman I was with. And for the most part, I stayed away from BPD. But after a year or so, I got back into it. And yes. It was mostly because of the sex. I'd say 80%. I tried to make it work with her for about 5 years. I wasn't fully committed. And I ended up leaving my ex BPD for someone else, someone stable who wouldn't yell at me constantly. But it took me a while to break it off with the ex BPD, despite having met someone else. I was worried she would commit suicide, I was worried that she would completely fall apart. I was honestly scared for her. And, I was totally and completely addicted to the sex... .  Still am! Blarg!

But man oh man. The damage it has caused in my life and in my mental health. I have pretty extreme PTSD, I think. And I have had to face a lot of stuff, not the least of which is the guilt. My behavior was totally against my values as well. But the pull of the sex was too much for me. I couldn't ignore it. It was incredibly strong. But, at the end of the day, I had this overwhelming feeling that if I stayed with her, it would have devastated my life. The amazing sex couldn't compare against the stress of the random screaming, rages, emotional abuse. And it scared the h*ll out of me that I might get her pregnant and be forced to witness her rages on our children.  

So, I got out and I am with another woman now. But, man. It has been incredibly hard. And I am suffering like crazy. And it is really hard to talk to about it with other people because it basically was an affair. A very long, drawn out, complicated affair.

Be grateful that yours only lasted a year. And be grateful that she cut it off before it went even further. For real. You are lucky.

[Wendell]

I wanted to share my story because I too felt very ashamed when I first came here about being involved in an affair on top of dealing with this devastating disorder.  It definitely complicated the situation and made the healing even more difficult.  I'm not making excuses, I chose to enter this relationship but I wanted you to know I understand your feelings and wanted to share my experience and offer support.

I had been divorced for many years when I became involved with my xBPDbf who was married.  We had an affair for two years. I like you have a strong faith and this goes against what I've always believed to be morally right.  I was torn our entire relationship on what I knew was  wrong, the guilt of what I was doing but loving him as I did.  I was led to believe that he had a passionless marriage for 25 years (which I know to be true because I was close friends with his aunt who verified this) and that I was the love of his life.  He has a son with bipolar and his excuse to me always was that he needed to get his son in the right place emotionally and then he would leave and marry me.  When his wife found out about us, what followed were months of him stringing me along, without a lot of explanations and no closure.

Right after the news broke he told me I was the one he loved and that he just needed to get things settled down at home and then he'd leave her and we'd be together.  His son at this time also found out about us and was very supportive and in favor of us being together.  He told me he saw how happy his dad had been for two years and that meant everything to him.  I thought with his son's blessing it would only be a matter of time and we'd be together, after all, this had been his excuse for us not being together all along. This led into... .  let me just get through the holidays, I don't think anything will change at home and we will be together, I promise.  Then it was... .  I've got to give this marriage a shot Faith, for her sake, it's only right, but I still love you.  This turned into he was 100% committed to his marriage but still loved me, thought of me every day, dreamed about me and would tell me numerous times that he still believed someday we'd be together.   I told him, no! that will never happen, I will never be someone's second choice!  This followed in the end, prior to no contact beginning, him saying he loved both of us.  

During those difficult months when I was trying to process and deal with all the confusing things that were taking place, is when I found this wonderful website just as you did and the support was overwhelming.  But I also felt ashamed for what I had done, that coupled with learning that most likely he suffers from multiple issues as well was devastating to say the least.  Healing was a long process.  In my early posts I talk about being embarrassed and ashamed for allowing myself to enter into an affair but I felt it necessary to be truthful so I could receive the answers I needed desperately.

Mine ex had multiple affairs prior to me, something his wife has no knowledge of from what he told me, she only knows about me.  You are correct that this fits with the BPD scenario.  I'm sorry for what you have gone through.  I hope it helps to know you are not alone.  

[waitaminute]

Married 26 years to a good woman. But we grew apart... .  Different goals and dreams... .  different expectations. So i fell into a two year emotional rs (affair) with a woman on line. I could see the BPD traits but thought i could help her. Wife divorced me. Met the BPD and spent time with her monthly for 8 months. Lies, rage, antisocial behavior caused by splitting regular people around her, and complete idealization of some starving artist with combat PTSD from his home country wars. He can have her. I gave all, received littl and then said goodbye.

For the record, i am a faithful person. Until after my legal separation with my wife, i never even kissed another woman throughout my marriage. True, i had one or two female friends who i adored but never crossed the line. But the BPD affair just swept me far away from my normal behavior.

[bpdspell]

My affair with my BPDexbf lasted a year. I was married for 10 years but the marriage had become boring, predictable, and pretty much passionless. After year 8  we became more friends than lovers and I had been feeling angry and resentful that my husband became so lazy and predictable. When I communicated my needs he'd act aloof. He saw me more as a friend than woman with sexual needs that needed to be fulfilled.

I"ve known my BPDex for about 8 years and we've always and I mean always been sexually attracted to each other. And once day against my morals I simply allowed the spark to happen. I was smitten from the very first encounter. I felt so much guilt for cheating on my husband but at the same time I felt so entitled to this "kind" of euphoric happiness. I felt entitled to the passion. In my mind I paid my dues in my marriage and somehow justified that I deserved to feel alive. It was everything an affair could be: exciting, daring, spontaneous, fun, risky... .  it was so much fun... .  I felt loved, wanted and needed in a way that's indescribable and the BPDex became my drug and all I could obsess and think about. He was hot, 10 years younger, and seemed to loved me to the end of the world and back.

Then things fell apart. At first the jealousy and possessiveness seemed normal being that I was married and still living with my husband. But then the BPD started losing his marbles and flipping the script. It first started with the memememememe neediness and the narcissism. Then he wanted me to leave my husband. And for a while we did separate and the husband moved out. Then the BPD really started showing his character: cheating, entitlement, conning me out of money, lies, triangulation... .  

I was so humiliated and embarrassed that I actually left a good person for this sick man. There's nothing like believing you've hit the jackpot only to have dry dirt in your palms. My BPD became deranged and abusive and I had to cut off my hand to save my arm. I broke up with him and got a restraining order.

It took months for me to understand and comprehend self forgiveness. I really beat up myself pretty bad for believing that I could find happily ever after in an affair. But the affair has given me many blessings. And as screwed up as it may sound; I'm a better person for it. In the end; no one can judged me except God and the God that I serve is three things: love, grace and mercy. I know that I am forgiven. I used to care about what other people thought: the whispers and the judgement but they aren't Jesus Jr. . Nobody can walk on water and claim perfection so I forgive myself daily and keep it moving. Making a mistake doesn't make us any less worthy of life or any less lovable. It's a part of life.

Spell

[waitaminute]

Early in this long distance rs she said to me "leave your wife and job and come to live with me"

I would not leave my wife. But neither would I emotionally or financially abandon the BPD. So my wife left me.

Yes... of course... .  Big red flag with her statement. Is there a color redder than red?

One of the things I learned about me: I need to engage people intellectually, emotionally, spiritually. It seems like an innocent thing. Liz Greene, psychologist and astrologer, says "we learn about ourselves by relating to others." It's true for me.  But doing so is dangerous for me. I seem to bond and merge with the other. And if the other is a woman, then... .  

I have some guy friends but the level of connection is not deep enough to satisfy my needs to relate to another soul, another heart, another mind. My now ex wife says I am trying to relate to and understand the woman inside of me. Maybe. Probably. Ying and yang. Sun and moon.  Extro and intro .

[PM10]

Just wanted to chime in here and say that mine too was an affair.  I am married, he is divorced.  He asked for a divorce right around the time he met me.  He says that I am the reason he got divorced. 

Our relationsip started out as an emotional affair and lasted that way for 7 months until he threatened to end our friendship.  So I admitted my feelings to him, and then he was pressuring me to leave my marriage within DAYS. 

I had been married for 18 years at the time this occurred.  The marriage was passionless from the beginning, and I had been tempted several times before to have affairs.  I thought I would never do it.  I did, and it's odd, but I have misplaced guilt.  I feel guilty because I did not leave my husband like I said I would.  I do not feel guilty for the affair.

I expect and hope that will change.  I'm still not completely out yet, so my judgement is still skewed.  I am still in contact with him, but have not seen him for over a year.  I have tried NC so many times, but I am in contact with him right now because of fear.  He actually said to me 2 days ago that if I did not meet him and have sex with him he would tell my husband.  I actually considered it!

I know that my continued contact with him is bad, but I am scared.  He rages and threatens, and I get worried.  At this point I just feel like a horrible person.  I know I made a mistake, and I am paying for it!

[Want2know]

I had an affair when I was still married.  My marriage was devoid of passion in the final years, so I understand why it happens.

What I have learned is I will never let that happen again.  It was cowardly of me.  I should have been able to address the issues of the marriage more directly and with a dedicated interest, and not have embarked on a journey towards selfishness - which is what it was - I can admit that now.  Selfishness, in a passive-aggressive way.

No excuses.  No rationalization.  It is one of the few things in life that I regret.

[Blessed0329]

My relationship was what is called an "emotional affair," and did not become a physical affair for two main reasons: I was his boss, and he is a minister. Those at the two reasons I fought off all of his attempts to seduce me until he left my employ to return to full time pastoring. The fact he and are both married were not barriers, frankly, for either of us. And my resolve was really weakening by the time he finally did leave the job, and we weren't seeing each other every day anymore.

[upsidedown]

It's extremely hard to detach and repair the damage from a BPD r/s, but add the guilt and shame of having been an adulteress (when that's not how you perceived yourself) and the "journey" becomes almost impossible.  My husband has owned his part in what lead up to my (first and only) affair in our 23 years together.  The fact that I am judged by people who have absolutely no idea what went on within the confines of my marriage makes me want to burst into flames at times. The fact that I must continue to endure being painted black in my workplace by the xBPDbf makes me want to disintegrate into ash at times.  We have all already judged ourselves harshly.  We have all already learned excruciatingly painful lessons.  In order to become the people we want to be, the people we are deep inside, we need to put the judgment and the lessons aside, so true healing can take place.  Peace will follow.

My mother always quoted the old Native American proverb: "Never criticize a man until you've walked a mile in his moccasins."  I finally truly understand what it means.  I'm the only one qualified to judge me.

[Take2]

Mistakes happen, are part of being human.

Cruelty, however,  is never justifiable... .  ever... .  period.

I appreciate everyone's posts here... .   I have been on both sides of this equation... .  the cheated on, the cheater... .  and when involved with my exBPDbf, I was/am the cheater.  Both sides are pretty painful.  I agree with the suggestion that most of us don't want to be having an affair.  It's a poor coping mechanism for my part.  Lame?  no doubt.

I am disappointed in myself.  I have terrible guilt.  But having been on the other side when I was married to my exhusband, at least in my world, that pain was significantly less intense that the cruelty I've endured from my exbpbf.   The cruelty I have experienced and his inability to show me support and empathy at the most crucial times of life have caused me deeper pain than I ever thought was possible to feel.  

I have made plenty of mistakes in life and try to learn and grow from each one.  And yet I've still managed to repeat a few here and there.  I've also been cheated on many times in life - and while I do not remotely condone it - I do know that it's never been done to hurt ME.  We are all human.  And I think most of us, at least the ones here, are truly trying to do the best that we can in our current situations... .   Let's support each other... .   life is tough enough otherwise... .   

[Take2]

I really have to agree with faith2heal here... .    this thread is about finding out who else has gone through a similar experience and supporting one another... .    it's about relating to and supporting one another through a difficult time with others who can fully understand, not skipping out on responsibility, nor blame shifting.  

Ironically, I think I would have ended my own r/s with my daughter's father long ago if I had NOT been involved with my exBPDbf... .   I actually went into therapy with the specific goal to make sure that I did not leave my home for the BPDbf - that if and when I left it would be for me and not for anybody else.  And that was a very difficult thing for me - because I always put the BPDbf first.  Ahead of everybody and everything.  In ways that I knew were unhealthy - and I knew that for me to race to someone who is so disordered would undoubtedly cause me to fall into a worse depression than I already was in and likely bring pretty intense drama into my daughter's life.  I'm well aware of my own codependency issues and really - no matter how much pain I am in - at the end of the day - I HAVE to put my daughter first.

I have told her father multiple times that I would be completely understanding if he needs to whatever he needs to do to cope with his own loneliness.  And I mean that.  I wouldn't blame him for seeking out someone who can better support him.  We have not had any physical or emotional intimacy for four years.  We are basically just coparenting.  It's a tough spot.  I'm trying to cope the best ways I can.  And I wound up falling in love with someone who is undiagnosed BPD.  Karma?  well, I'm not dead, so it can't be coming back around.     but I hurt.  And I've been attempting to detach for a long time now.  Because despite my own actions, I do deserve to be loved and supported too.  And I don't get that at home nor do I get that from my exBPD.    :'(

[charred]

My r/s with a pwBPD the second time was an affair... the first time it wasn't. Over 20 yrs ago I had fallen for what I thought was my dream girl, had plans to marry, a business, was in school and out of blue was dumped, world turned upside down. She took up with a neighbor... and seeing her kissing and hanging on him made me consider homicide/suicide... but moved away instead, leaving everything... started over. Was pretty much over her after 10 yrs... or so I thought. After more than 20 she contacted me on FB and I made mistake of talking to her on phone, within 4 mos I was filing for divorce... and so now 3 yrs after divorce I am not with my pwBPD, but trying to break free of her.

I don't know what to say about morals... my heart was with my pwBPD since more than 20 yrs ago... and I didn't know she was disordered back then... I hurt my wife/daughter... but we are all better off now than we were, except I am alone now. The pwBPD sent me in to a tailspin (for the second time) that resulted in divorce... however I was just going through the motions of living, not really doing it and I am awake and actively taking part in life, as is my exBPDgf... .  so I think everyone may have benefited from this fling thing ultimately... but going through it was hell. My daughter was forced to go from a private school to public and that turned out to be a great thing as well, as her private school was very small and now she has adjusted to the public one, and thrives on the social opportunities... she loves school and is excelling. So... everyone except me has moved on and done well, and I have hope of it, just haven't got there.

[ExTreme]

charred-

Anybody get hurt as a result of your participation in this "second-time around" interaction w/ her; you know, while being in a r/s?

[willy45]

For me, it was out of the frying pan, into the fire. I actually find it a bit tough to say I cheated but rather had long drawn out breakups that happen to overlap. Again, not proud of this... .  trust me.

The girl I was with prior to my exBPD was troubled. I think she may have had some BPD traits too but she wasn't that bad. We just didn't fit. And we had a horrible, horrible relationship. I met my exBPD and it was salvation, or so it seemed. A get away from the insanity of my relationship (my ex ex had been with someone else and hid it from me and I found out about it in the most public of ways... .  at MY birthday party with all my friends around). So, I tried to make a go of it with my exBPD, just took a while to emotionally extricate myself. But I did. I wish I had given my exBPD more time and more commitment but pretty soon her rages came out. Hard core. I had always seen them before. They just started to come out extra strong. And it was confusing. Super confusing. I didn't know about BPD back then. I just knew something was wrong. Very, very wrong. She would cry for no reason. She would yell at me for no reason. She would rage at me in the middle of the night. It was always, always my fault. Always.

During this time, I met another girl. Super sweet. Kind. Gentle. I guess I fell in love with her. And it was different than with my exBPD. This girl was nice to me. Didn't have a million and one problems. There was never any drama. She was just sweet. And this was appealing because of all the drama I had been through over the past 10 years. And this girl was someone I felt I could TRUST. And I don't mean in terms of fidelity. I mean in terms of not being abusive with me. WEIRD CONCEPT? It was at the time.

So, I tried to break up with my exBPD. Again, not playing the victim here... .  I know I f'd up. But I tried. I went to see her to talk to her about it and she was in the depth of despair (over another issue). So, I thought, OK, I will wait until this blows over and then I will break up with her. So I waited. And another drama came about. And then another. And another. And another. It was never ending. And then pull back in with the crazy sex. And then the drama. And then the abuse. And the confusion. I kept thinking to myself, OK... .  I will give it another shot... .  One more week and see how it goes. If she doesn't yell at me for one week, I will stay with her and break it off with this other girl. And that never happened. My ex would yell at me for something. And we would argue. And then she would have some crazy drama (brother in jail, mother with brain tumor, her having arthritis in her entire body, her getting in car accident, her losing her job, her getting a new job, her having to move cities, her starting new stressful job, her having an abusive boss... .  and on and on and on). And then of course her own abuse towards me just made my head spin. I did start to believe that all her raging at me was my fault. Of course I did. And for some reason, that made a part of me stay. And it also influenced the part of me that wanted to leave. In some ways, my having this other relationship going was part of the healthy side of me that was telling me: GET AWAY. DON'T MARRY THIS GIRL. DON'T HAVE KIDS. THIS WILL RUIN YOUR LIFE.

And, that is super ___ty of me to have dragged this other girl into this. I know that. I wish I had done things differently. I feel horrible about it. I really do. Now, after 6 months of being out of the exBPD, I am suffering from a horrible depression. PTSD perhaps. And I am not blaming anyone. I am trying to take responsibility for everything. But, my behavior wasn't in a vacuum. It wasn't because I didn't care about anyone but myself. It was because I DIDN'T care about myself AT ALL. I didn't. And I still don't. But I am trying.

So, there it goes. Did I have two people going at the same time. Yes. Was that ridiculous. Yes. Do I have issues I need to resolve. YES! Caretaking issues. Codepency issues. Low self-value and self-esteem. I have them all and I have them in spades. Am I paying for it now. YES! And I'm doing everything in my power to get better.

For those that have been hurt by someone cheating on them, take solace that those doing the cheating aren't having a great time. They are doing it because a part of them completely hates who they are. They are confused. Wounded. Hurt.

At one point in my life, I had never cheated on anyone before. And that felt great. And you know what's funny... .  the reason why I know that felt great is because my exBPD asked me before we got together: "Have you ever cheated on anyone?" And I said no. And I felt a great sense of pride. She kind of had a mocking tone about her question... .  I had no idea what she was getting at. I was naive... .  Little did I know what was in store. Obviously, she wanted me to cheat on my GF at the time with her. Naive... .  

I wish I could go back to that place where I had my morals and values in tact. Where I didn't cheat on anyone. Where I was up front with everyone. When I felt good about myself. I wish I could. But I can't. And that is really hard. I am not a bad person. But I have behaved badly. And I am paying the price for it now.  

[Wendell]

I was thankful when my relationship ended and the biggest reason for that was because I no longer had to live with the shame of being the "other woman." It may seem to some that we take lightly our indiscretions but that simply couldn't be further from the truth.  Not only have we dealt with the BPD factor but we have had to endure the shame and humiliation of what we have done.  An affair brings hurt to everyone involved.  I'll say that again, an affair brings hurt to EVERYONE involved.  I had to look myself in the mirror each and every day and live with that person and believe me I didn't like her very much.  

I know I'm forgiven by the One who matters most of all but I'm human and I can't lie that it hurts to not be accepted by others I'm turning to for support and encouragement.  

[charred]

I did have an affair (2nd go round it started that way)... and I am still torn up by it, as I am not with my exBPDgf, or my exwife and I wanted to be with one or the other.

What did I learn... .  from the simpelist thing... .  "What seems to be too good to be true usually is", to the lesson I didn't learn the first time I met my pwBPD... .  she dumped me and I did everything I could to avoid dealing with the pain, I left my home, my family, my business and ran from my problem. My whole life changed as a result. Now I know that my pwBPD was disordered, and that her showing up kissing on a neighbor ... .  while interpreted by me then as horrible, and my fault ... .  was actually probably a sign she had changed her mind, was trying to get me jealous and to reconnect, and when I dissapeared ... .  she dumped the guy and moved on, herself upset. So I didn't have the facts, and went off and made big life decisions based on bad information. I also ran from my problems/pain, rather than facing them and dealing with the pain and actually working through it. Had I done things differently I could have kept my business, my friends, been close to my family, and even got the girl back a lot sooner.

[PDQuick]

Why do we get into affairs?  

This is an interesting short... .  Lorie Teagno PhD says that while we tend to blame a number of external factors, the affair is usually driven by our own deep rooted motivations.

What are some of the reasons that people give you for being involved in affairs?

Video: www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=6NFifSJnJYs

The reasons they give me are that, when you boil it all down, even though they say, ‘We’ve grown apart.  We don’t have much in common.  We can’t resolve issues.’  Those are the reasons they give but when I probe further and we talk about it, my co-author and I have talked about it that there are usually three reasons that people will have affairs and we found that it comes from an unrecognized need or feeling that someone has.

And so we’ve classified infidelity into three categories: infidelities of fear, infidelities of loneliness, and infidelity of anger.  And so the reason that someone would have an affair is not because of their partner, it’s not because the sex isn’t great, it’s not because of financial problems.  It’s usually because something’s going on with that individual that they can’t really identify with and so they end up with a lot of vague, unhappy feelings about their marriage.

So for example, in the case of infidelity of loneliness, that usually happens to the couple who’s been together six or seven years where if you met them, they would report that their marriage is basically good.  They seem to get along well.  If you got them alone and they’ve had too many drinks or something, they might confess to you that they feel like they’re growing apart.

These are not people who usually set out to have affairs.  These are the people that Shirley Glass refers to in her book ‘Not Just Friends,’ I think that’s the title, that she talks about how people, because now there’s more men and women in the workplace that they begin to have an affair because there’s this yearning that they’re unaware of in their marriage.

They want more connectedness; they want more of what their relationship once had.  And so they’re happy in their marriage, they’re happy with their family, they go to work, they interact with someone, year after year, and then suddenly one day, they feel this charge with this other person and that they did not expect.

And slowly over time, they begin to have what some people have referred to as an emotional affair, and it could become a sexual relationship.  And suddenly they feel alive.  But again these people are, in my experience, do not set out to have affairs.  And it’s not because their marriage is doomed and dead.

It’s more because that person hasn’t been aware of feeling lonely in the marriage, hasn’t been able to put words to that loneliness, and doesn’t know how to talk to their partners about it.  And in some cases they’ve even said to their partner, ‘You know, I feel like we don’t have much in common.’  ‘I’d like us to do more things together.’

But that sounds like symptoms, and the other partner doesn’t understand the depth at which this resonates for them.  And oftentimes the person who has the affair of loneliness hasn’t also recognized the depth of that loneliness resonates until they’ve started the affair.

And then quite often that affair makes them feel so alive that in time they mistake it for ‘the’ relationship.  ‘I’ve fallen out of love with my partner.’  And when these couples come to see me or my colleague, Steve Solomon, what they realize as they sit in our office is they still do love their partner.

They just, the love they had for their partner kind of diminished or hidden because of all the loneliness and the distance between them.  And our work, if they want to get their marriage back, is to help them find out when that loneliness started and to be able to talk about it.

And also to help the partner be able to forgive them and develop reassurances that the person who had the affair would never risk that to themselves, their own integrity, and to that marriage again.  That’s a long answer to a short question.

[laelle]

While I have never and would never cheat in my current relationship, I have cheated in other relationships.  I have been quick to enter into a relationship and take it deeper and quicker than natural due to idealization and other issues that I have. It was always a made in the stars relationship that was here to fix everything.  I never really stopped to get to know that person before jumping into it.  

When its not working I bend and excuse it to make it work and ignore the dysfunction so I dont have to come to grips with the fact that I had made a costly mistake.  Eventually over time I cant bend anymore and I have to return to who I really am.  The person I had become is 180 degrees off from who I really am.  I am to blame for most of my relationship mistakes.  I base them off a funny wit, or a person who is financially stable, etc... .  

I never looked at the person as a whole.  I have ended up with abusive relationships or ones that bore the life out of me.  In the past I have simply found someone else to idealize and move on blaming them for not being right for me.  I could have saved myself and that person alot of hurt by ending it early on when I saw things werent right.

I have destroyed lives.

I have recently divorced and it had lasted 10 dysfunctional years and 2 children later.  From day 1 he was never faithful and unable to return affection (his issues)  Why I entered into this relationship I will never know.  Probably self esteem issues because I was morbidly obese and he accepted me as I was. As well as my parents were unable to show and accept affection. I grew up not knowing how to get close to anyone so it seemed a good match. I never thought for a moment that I had a right to end this relationship.  Everyone in my life hated him and I resented some of the people in my life so I clung on to him tighter.  So, I had surgery, became more confident, begged him to treat me better, to which fell on deaf ears.  I went on with my life and ignored him.  I did everything I could to make this relationship work, and I feel no guilt to have moved on from it.  On a happier note he is getting counseling and is working on himself.  He isnt a bad person, he is a good person, he was just a rotten husband.

I have already written this long post so I dont want to go in depth with my current relationship except to say its happened differently and I cant really explain it.  It started as a friendship,  I dont idealize him and I am not blind to his issues.  I have taken the time to get to know him and even after three years, I am still in love with him.  Love isnt something you can turn on and off or choose to feel.  An option does not constitute love, its treating people like objects.  He is not an option for me.

I still wake up every morning and I fear I will lose him, but for some reason he hangs around.

[Take2]

What did I learn by cheating with my exBPDbf?  Something I already knew... .  how incredibly unhappy I am in a relationship with someone who is not really my friend... .  he is a good person, he is a wonderful father... .    but we aren't truly friends.  I was quick to enter into the relationship with him because I was lonely... .  but we had great times together - it's just that when it became pretty obvious that we had some fundamental differences that would most likely make a "forever relationship"  unlikely to work for either of us, neither one of us walked away.  We both loved one another and wanted to make it work.  Then we had a child.  And life got complicated in many ways - raising a small child and taking on caring for my elderly father for the past two years - complicated.  Not easy to leave and be able to care properly for those who truly needed it.

So - yes - when I started to fall for my exBPDbf, I was clearly seeking an escape from my reality.  But we didn't enter into a physical relationship for a long time... .  we became very close friends for a year before it got physical.  I had no inkling of the BPD for two solid years.  I saw nothing out of the ordinary for one solid year until his first major rage.  And then for a long time, I just thought it was a horrible problem with anger (not knowing anything about BPD).  After over two years, I knew there are a major problem but had no idea what until a therapist suggest it.  Then when I began to read up on it, I realized how right she was.  So then became the attempts to focus on myself and why I would allow someone so incredibly hurtful to remain in my life - especially when I had so much responsibility at home to contend with.

This is the journey I'm now on - still trying to figure that one out. 

I've learned that I apparently am willing to remove all of my own boundaries in an attempt to let the bp walk away so that I don't have to face my own pain.  It has often been far less painful to deal with his cruelty than face my own depression. 

[rollercoaster24]

Hi to all...

I can identify with elephaba's initial post... In that every male she had a relationship with, cheated on her...

I too, am one who shared the same path through... I seemed to choose non-committal, unfaithful men... .  (just like my dear old daddy!).

Fancy, here I was thinking I was over all that!

Now, I am in a relationship of 3 years with an uBP male, he is also non-committal and I am not even sure that he is faithful... he says he is, but from what he told me about his past, and some of his behavior in the present, I cannot be sure at all...

The biggest red flag in the first year of our relationship was his ever present distrust of me, (even if it looked like I was cheating, I definately wasn't, and did not hide anything from him).

He says he did peruse porn, (teen porn at that). for a time years ago... He says (recently), that he even visited porn shops with girlfriends past... and whilst they were asking him if he had ever been to a porn shop, he had his fingers crossed behind his back and was making a mockery to me that he was lying to them... (does he even register he is telling this to his partner?).

Not a particularly sensitive thing to say to me, especially when he makes himself out to be so upfront and honest about it all.

He also says that he went to a brothel, (once with friends), and a strip show... but he says he didn't go to more strip shows because why look at things you cannot have?

My reasoning is, why even go in the first place? Why feel the need to objectify a woman's body, like it is a piece of meat?

Why are these attitudes so prevalent in our society? I am completely over the excuses, and the bull~ about men having to do this because that is the way they are wired... Crap... I think...

I think men and women are just as into sex and passion as each other, it is society telling men from the start that they cannot help themselves, and society providing them with an excuse to go out and do it... .  Conditioning from the beginning of time...

I'm over it, the whole bloody thing...