The flavor in life is gone

[Depression = 72% of members]

Thank you Gary. I hold those secrets no more. You are truly one fine man, I cant wait for that cup one day with you.

[PDQuick]

Thank you Gary. I hold those secrets no more. You are truly one fine man, I cant wait for that cup one day with you.

[csandra]

We love you. (((PDQ)))  Don't stop talking to us.  Let us be there for you as you have been for us.  Took my son 8 yrs to tell us that the same neighbor boy who had molested his sister, also molested him. 

Even more chilling to have been "trusted adult".  Many of us share the same secrets and I have to wonder if it isn't what attracts us to the NPD/BPD... The familiarity of being taken advantage of, used.

Something good will come from this.  Something good already has.  Let your light so shine before others...  We love you. 

[johnfl]

Remember Quick...no matter how hard..we have to keep moving through it (no distractions) It has to be better...and you deserve it.

T

[garyw]

Hi PD.

Once you get into these past events of being molested with your T..You will find out one of two things.

Either it's something that needs revisiting and working through it to an acceptable understanding. Or that you won't have to. That these events did happen but for whatever reasons we somehow shelved them away in a place where they just don't even have an effect on us anymore.

Either way the proper shelf will be found. We may find that it did indeed shape our lives in certian areas and that shaping may hve turned out to be a good thing or again something that needs bent back into a better shape for us. Like myself for example, I guess I find myself protective of kids. That may have stemed from my events or maybe not. If so then it found a good place on the shelf.

My poor self esteme at times may have come from those events...don't know.

My T found that they seem to not bother me..I dont and haven't sat around and obsessed over them ever. So she felt we didnt really need to spend much time on them unless I wanted to.

I'm so happy that you are going to bring them up with your T because then you either way will be done with them and will be able to place these events wherever they belong and be done with it.

The danger in not addressing these things with a T in my opinion is that we can feel that, "OK..this happened to me so the proper responce should be that Im screwed up now because of it." If we leave it at that ,we may be when we dont have to be.

[alf]

PD ((brother)).

Wow, you are a man amongst men.  To share something like that here is heroic.

The cumulative sympathy is palpable.

I am going to babble a little here but am still kind of awestruck at your candor.

I know all us bear burdens of which we are afraid to speak.  So you not only have been an active member of this community but you have been such an unbelievable model by opening up in this way.  I expect the bpdfamily.com to reach new heights because of you.

I hurt for what you have born and wish you all the healing this group can provide.  My wish is that you may feel some release from you pain from having shared this.

Respectfully, Alf

[lennic]

I have read many of your words PDQ and have been touched by many and concerned by some...

Be carefull of the subtle intoxication of validation. It is wonderfull is small measure and it certainly can help level the meanest moments,,but if it becomes the crux of any endeavor it soon shows it's fleeting compass.

I share this with you because I have risen and fallen with this tide,,and I care.

Lenny

[criticalmass06]

Qucik, I love ya . I am proud of you.

you walk the walk and you talk the talk.

Your a real man in my book, and I will walk with on your trail any day of the year.


stay strong, chin up your a true cowboy and I belive in you !


CM

[TonyC]

well quick ...

i am signing off for the day ... i just wanted you to know we are family here...and not one person her that  has spent any time with us had any thing negative to say... or didnt feel your pain...

ok so you have more luggage than most of us...but we all still respect you...and will support you anyway required... and you saw that today...

i read your post ten times today...it  just exudes pain , and maybe some anger...so maybe its time for you to release some of it...

well you will never forget ... but you can learn how to deal with it ... i dont know how thats not my field... but maybe just maybe...

you will stop escaping...your thoughts and move onto something better to think about...

ok ... hey better days are coming and maybe , this could be the last hurdle for a while...

have a good night quick

im doing the hug thing ok...

oh ok () thats it!

tony

[johnfl]

Tony,

Thanks!  You always make me laugh!  And I really need it sometimes! 

[PDQuick]

Tony, () Nuff said! Cool?

I would like to thank you all for your replies to this post. I originally didnt want to disclose what I was dealing with, until I had it under my belt a little, so to speak. It became more than a distant memory, like I said, with the realization that a family that I am friends with was going thru it with their youngest daughter. I talked about it with a trusted friend, and I agreed to tell my therapist. Once I did, with her reaction, and some talking about it, I realized the weight of it, and allowed it into my thought process.

I have been slipping into a depression for awhile, and this little hiccup has greased the surface. So I have a medicine intake on Thursday. This has been scheduled for over a week now. So now I have the tools, I know the problem, and I am doing something about it this time around. I am tired of running and hiding from things, and Im tired of hiding things from myself. Its all out in the open. Im out in the open. Nowhere to run, nowhere to hide. It is going to be an interesting joust.

I didnt know how all of you would take my ommission. I actually thought it would scare some of you away, and most have stayed, and for that I am eternally greatful. It shows me your strength, character, and true friendship. I do appreciate that. Today was a very emotional day for me. I put myself out on a plank that I didnt know would hold my weight. And all of you ran under it, and shored it up. I greatly admire you all, and I love you dearly for standing by my side as I did this. I told you that I was going to be ok, and with all of you, I will. Just consider me an old softy, but when a big guy named Tony, from New York, with an accent can give me a hug, hell, Its been a wonderful day!

Thank you again for allowing me into your life and heart.

PDQuick

[NewLifeforHGG]

I am sorry you are experiencing depression but I am glad you are addressing it.

Childhood trauma of this magnitude has a long lasting effect. It doesn't go away. It just gets buried under a pile of crap until one day it is impossible to ignore.

Molestation robs the child of their innocence. They learn far to early about good and evil. They learn to be afraid. They learn mixed up ideas about boundaries and their bodies.

I am sure the little boy PD is still crying out to be heard and protected. The little boy experienced horrendous abuse by a trusted person.

The thought of it is heartbreaking. I too had a similar experience and I know I felt better after I dealt with it.

By admitting it here you have released the shame and the secrecy. That man has no more power in your life. You were the victim therefore you have nothing to be ashamed of.

I know you will get through this and heal. You WILL feel again. You will.

[ForeverDad]

As a younger boy, My parents best friend molested me... I was scared to death, and I hated it, and I hated him for it. I locked it away for years, thinking that if I didnt acknowledge it, it didnt happen. If I convinced myself it was no big deal, it wasnt.  I have never, EVER been so wrong in my life. I see it now as plain as day. I havent thought about it until recently, when I found out that the same thing happened to a family, and their daughter that I am close to. A predator entered their lives, much like in my scenario. He made himself friends with the parents, and all the kids, and took advantage of the youngest daughter. I know everyone in that story, to include the worthless piece of sht that did that to her. I hope he rots in jail for what he did. It was being close to that family, and that girl that brought out my demons. I too had that predator. After we left that city, we never heard from him again. So much for being my parents best friend. He didnt want to be friends with my parents, he was a predator! A thief of childrens lives. I hate that son of a butt, and If I could ever find him, I would kill him for what he has done to me.

PDQ, Few traumas are more devastating to a child than to have such childhood trust betrayed and innocence ripped away.  Predator is the perfect word.  When we think of predators, we think of animals.  He was an animal.  Pervert fits too, as well as lots of other foul descriptions.  The sad thing is, if it happened to you, he surely did it to many other boys as well.  Their pattern is that they never stop until others stop them.  I hope some among his other victim(s) out there knew where he was, reported him long ago and had him locked away.

Oh my, writing that just now hit too close to home for me too.  What has my wife been trying to do to me but to send me away on similar but false inflammatory complaints, anything at all if only I then cannot be a father to my son?  After our son was born and I was no longer just a husband but a father too, she increasingly rejected the concept of sharing him.

Thanks for sharing your story.  You will notice over the days and weeks ahead that this was therapeutic for you.

[Oy-vey!]

P,

I am so proud of you for stepping up to the plate and dealing with this long-ago offense to you.  What a horrible thing to carry around all these years.  You could never really bury it - it was always there even though you tried so hard to make it go away. 

I admire you so much for looking yourself in the mirror and deciding to deal with this tragedy.  First things first too.  Talking to your therapist, addressing your depression, taking the steps to heal.  Wow.  You are SO far ahead of so many other people in the world.

I'm glad to be able to call you my friend.  You know how much I care for you (as do all these other fabulous people on bpdfamily.com).  You are a wealthy man, PDQ. 

Hugs and much love.

[PDQuick]

You are a wealthy man, PDQ.

Oy, I have never thought of myself as wealthy, but as I am beginning to see, I have alot more than I ever thought. I have paid attention to the wrong things for too long. I have been driven, but I have never seen the road. I have pushed, but never looked to see what I was pushing, or never really looked back to see where Ive been. I have run through this first half of my life, like it was a marathon. I see now, that I need to walk, and stop every once in a while, and especially when I encounter such good people as those of you here. I need to pay attention to the things that matter, not scream by them, and wonder why they didnt stay.

Here is to good friends, the smell of roses, and realizing that it is not too late to slow the pace, and enjoy the things I have. Thanks, again, to all of you.

[JoannaK]

(((PD)))), I thought I replied to this post, but I guess I did not.  I think it is very good that you are confronting a demon that has obviously haunted you for many years.  This must be a tough one.  Please take care of yourself as you move forward.  My sense is that old problems do not easily go away, even when you can identify the source of those problems.  But confronting this basic blow to your healthy self-developoment is important as you put one foot in front of the other from here on out.

[carolt0604]

Like everyone else, ((((((((((((((((((((giant hugs)))))))))))))))))))))))))))).  It is amazing how alike we feel.  I wish I could snap my fingers and make it all go away for me and you, but heck we know that isnt happening, so take the meds and keep your chin up as my boss tells me.

[csandra]

Just thought of this.  I have struggled with depression since childhood but never really said anything(later find out my grandma had been hospitalized with depression when my mom was child and even had shock treatment).  I did say something to my OB when pregnant with dau because I had had severe post partum depression with son(again no response from those i had told, never went on meds).

Five years ago...really depressed...decided to tell my MD.  Made appt, it just happened to be Good Friday, gave 30 second spiel that I knew would get me meds.  She said "sounds like you need an antidepressant, not unlike a diabetic needs insulin".  She didn't ask ONE question about my personal life, never referred for counselling.  I had mentally prepared for this for weeks and really had a hard time with the "admitting powerlessness" part.  Anyway, she asks me to get undressed for an exam and she left the room.

I am sitting on the table with nothing on but a paper gown when I hear a loud rumble and I look up and the walls are swaying.  I look out side the window and there are people gathering, pointing up to the building.  People in the halls are all excited.  NO ONE comes to check on ME, the patient !  I'm looking at my clothes, wondering how quickly I could get dressed.

Finally the MD came in, we had had major earthquake.  There were actually a few aftershocks during my exam (ahem).  I remember taking my sample pack and taking my first pill in the parking lot, before driving back to work.  I took meds for several years but the solution was but a temporary one. 

I do remember feeling better just putting the pill in my mouth because it seemed to represent hope.  My new MD had tried to get me to go on antidepressants all year but I keep turning her down.  Actually I'm doing OK and pray that you will soon be feeling better.

[MGMom]

PDQuick, I have not been on this site long, but I can tell that you are VERY LOVED here.  I have no answers, but I do believe in the power of prayer.  I will pray that you can feel the love from all those who care about you and that it feels as real as arms wrapped around you.  You seem to be a truly kind man.  I pray that your joy and flavor return PD quick. 

[PDQuick]

MGM, I do feel the love, and I hope that I can return it to you all one day. It is easy to face certain things knowing I have a wonderful circle of people surrounding me.

Thank you for the prayers, as I can pray for all of you too.

[NewLifeforHGG]

I was just checking in on you to see how you are feeling. I hope a little better if not (((PD))).