Poll: How long did your relationship last?

[thomaso61]

Just taking the same poll again since there are new people here.

[Clawly85]

I dont understand how some of these relationships lasted years... .

I was pushed away and discarded after 8-9 months by my ex bf who was hiding his BPD and Bipolar Disorder. I didn't understand his behavior since he was acting "out of character" from what I knew. Once I opened my mouth to him and tearfully confronted him, he dumped me and blamed everything on me.

Do others with BPD not exhibit "signs" or experience the "flip of a switch behavior" until years in their relationship? Or do the Non's just put up with unacceptable behavior until they hit their breaking point. It blows my mind.

[drummerboy]

As we all know, BPD is on a spectrum, it's my belief that the longer lasting relationships were with people that had a mild manifestation of BPD and the shorter ones were with people with much more severe BPD. After a lot of reading it is my belief that the only people who can have a long relationship with a full on BPD, is someone with some pretty serious co-decency issues.

Just my opinion.

*

I dont understand how some of these relationships lasted years... .

I was pushed away and discarded after 8-9 months by my ex bf who was hiding his BPD and Bipolar Disorder. I didn't understand his behavior since he was acting "out of character" from what I knew. Once I opened my mouth to him and tearfully confronted him, he dumped me and blamed everything on me.

Do others with BPD not exhibit "signs" or experience the "flip of a switch behavior" until years in their relationship? Or do the Non's just put up with unacceptable behavior until they hit their breaking point. It blows my mind.

[willtimeheal]

Haven't posted in a while. My relationship lasted six years. I still remember that feeling in my gut the first time we spent time together... .it said run but I didn't listen. It took me about three years to realize that what I was seeing and experiencing was not normal. I had that what the heck moment. That's when I woke up. I listened to all stories of childhood trauma, past loves that lied and cheated, I listened to the low self esteem... .I was not going to be like everyone else. I was going to love her enough to make all the hurt go away. I understand now most of what she told me were lies and she manipulated me. I saw the red flags but ignored them. The High was too great and I was going to save the day.  I almost lost myself. When I finally had my what the heck moment and started to realize it wasn't me I started working on me. It took me a while to work through me and then I got the courage to say no more and I finally accepted the person I fell in love with does not exist.

[shatterd]

kids kids kids kids kids    and some like me were trickd and hooked and are natural fixers,   

[drummerboy]

Will, the last line of your post totally sums up my feelings about a relationship with a BPD: we fell in love with someone that never existed. Once I fully understood that recovery was rapid. It took me a long time to come to that realisation, I was convinced that there was no way my ex could not be that perfect creation that she was when we first met. At the end and after the end I saw the real person but even then it took a long time to get through my head. I was with a self absorbed princess who lives her life in constant turmoil, always of her own making, and who blames everyone but herself for her situation. If I look up a dictionary for the word "victim" there is a photo of her! I can honestly say that I've never met a more despicable person than my ex but boy it was a long hard process to take her off the pedestal I put her on.

Haven't posted in a while. My relationship lasted six years. I still remember that feeling in my gut the first time we spent time together... .it said run but I didn't listen. It took me about three years to realize that what I was seeing and experiencing was not normal. I had that what the heck moment. That's when I woke up. I listened to all stories of childhood trauma, past loves that lied and cheated, I listened to the low self esteem... .I was not going to be like everyone else. I was going to love her enough to make all the hurt go away. I understand now most of what she told me were lies and she manipulated me. I saw the red flags but ignored them. The High was too great and I was going to save the day.  I almost lost myself. When I finally had my what the heck moment and started to realize it wasn't me I started working on me. It took me a while to work through me and then I got the courage to say no more and I finally accepted the person I fell in love with does not exist.

[willtimeheal]

Dummerboy... .You post I can totally relate to.  It has taken me a long time as well to take her down off that pedestal I put her on. I still struggle every now and then but I know in my heart and mind how better off I am and how lucky I am that I got out.

[Madison66]

I dont understand how some of these relationships lasted years... .

I was pushed away and discarded after 8-9 months by my ex bf who was hiding his BPD and Bipolar Disorder. I didn't understand his behavior since he was acting "out of character" from what I knew. Once I opened my mouth to him and tearfully confronted him, he dumped me and blamed everything on me.

Do others with BPD not exhibit "signs" or experience the "flip of a switch behavior" until years in their relationship? Or do the Non's just put up with unacceptable behavior until they hit their breaking point. It blows my mind.

Yeah, co-dependency can also be on a spectrum.  Meaning that some of us, including me, stayed way too long or allowed too many recycles based on the severity of our co-dependency.  I stayed in the r/s 3+ years.  I won't say how long I should have stayed, but if I knew then what I know now I wouldn't have even entered the r/s.  No regrets, but admittedly a tough r/s and an excruciatingly hard recovery and detachment.  I'm so grateful to be 18 months removed and in a happy and healthy place in my life.  That didn't happen on accident, so I'm also grateful for lessons learned and wisdom gained!

[Startingafreshafter18yrs]

kids kids kids kids kids    and some like me were trickd and hooked and are natural fixers,   

That's me right there !

[valet]

2 year and 2 months, so 26 months.

As we all know, BPD is on a spectrum, it's my belief that the longer lasting relationships were with people that had a mild manifestation of BPD and the shorter ones were with people with much more severe BPD. After a lot of reading it is my belief that the only people who can have a long relationship with a full on BPD, is someone with some pretty serious co-decency issues.

Just my opinion.

This is a super interesting idea to me. I think that when ANY relationship ends we tend to blame ourselves for a little while. But in hindsight, it actually might have been our own self-image and stability that caused us to preform in an undesirable way for our ex.

If they require you to give up your self to feed theirs and you refuse, even at the most basic behavioral level, it might trigger their fears sooner and more intensely.

Another theory that I'm making up on the spot, but it provides me more closure to speculate that I was much stronger than I think (even during the worst of times) and that that might be the reason why the relationship ended against my expectations.

[Agent_of_Chaos]

Dummerboy... .You post I can totally relate to.  It has taken me a long time as well to take her down off that pedestal I put her on. I still struggle every now and then but I know in my heart and mind how better off I am and how lucky I am that I got out.

You are freaking me out. I have written your almost exact words... .COUNTLESS TIMES. I had to take a deep breath I was so shook. I too was going to save the day. While I do have some Co dependant issues, I truly felt I needed to be there for her. I loved her. I never wanted to be like everyone else and hurt her.  I too realized I needed to remove her from this pedestal I had lifted her upon. I'm not really sure why I put her there in the first place outside of the fact I simply loved her. I marveled at her strength! I ignored the little signs even though they left me shaking my head. As  chivalrous as I was, after 3 yrs, she informed me she was moving out of state. 72 hr notice . We were going to do an ld relationship. I had hope! It lasted 30 days.

[Madison66]

"This is a super interesting idea to me. I think that when ANY relationship ends we tend to blame ourselves for a little while. But in hindsight, it actually might have been our own self-image and stability that caused us to preform in an undesirable way for our ex.

If they require you to give up your self to feed theirs and you refuse, even at the most basic behavioral level, it might trigger their fears sooner and more intensely.

Another theory that I'm making up on the spot, but it provides me more closure to speculate that I was much stronger than I think (even during the worst of times) and that that might be the reason why the relationship ended against my expectations."

These are all great points and it is obvious to me that I played an active roll in the r/s and the dysfunction of the r/s.  I saw the chaos and emotional dysregulation of my uBPD/NPD ex gf early on and even though it felt "off", I didn't leave the r/s.  I played right into it as a "fixer" and "enabler".  At several times during the 3+ year r/s, I pushed back when I felt my boundaries weren't being respected or the neediness was too much.  Again, I stayed and began to explore with my T why I was struggling.  To both points you made, things got worse in the r/s as I became stronger in enforcing my boundaries and living my own values (self love and self acceptance being the two biggest).  :)iagnosed or undiagnosed, my ex gf didn't appear to have the ability to show the emotional maturity and empathy needed to be in a healthy reciprocating love r/s.  I sold myself short for a long time and then the emotional and eventual physical abuse worsened.  I finally left the r/s and had to own my part in it.  A lot of work and a year and half later, I'm happily in a healthy r/s with a person who treats me really well and in line with my values.

[Bassoutcast]

Mine lasted 5 days short from 4 months, but it was INTENSE. 4 months that included a suicide attempt (hers), panic attacks (her - multiple, I got my first one), constant "stabbing" heartache (me), depression (her at first, then me as well, especially near the end), plans on living together (actively looking for apartments), much more.

I think the duration of a BPD relationship has a lot to do both with the BPD's level of function, as well as the non's tolerance threshold and mental health. I had a lot of unresolved issues of my own, and while I was the typical "knight in shining armor" type, I do have anger issues. I tend to talk to people to resolve issues calmly, but I simply couldn't do it with her, her trigger was "blame" (every time she felt even remotely guilty she'd get a major depression episode, maybe even a panic attack), and I kept it bottled up - highly unhealthy for me, and eventually it just popped outside (not even mad at her, I was mad at a situation and she just got an earful on the phone) - which resulted in ST then a b/u.

In order for that kind of relationship to survive, you either have to have a good support system to back you up and maintain your mental health, or just be dead inside (and if you're neither - you will be after they're done with you)

[Arminius]

Haven't posted in a while. My relationship lasted six years. I still remember that feeling in my gut the first time we spent time together... .it said run but I didn't listen. It took me about three years to realize that what I was seeing and experiencing was not normal. I had that what the heck moment. That's when I woke up. I listened to all stories of childhood trauma, past loves that lied and cheated, I listened to the low self esteem... .I was not going to be like everyone else. I was going to love her enough to make all the hurt go away. I understand now most of what she told me were lies and she manipulated me. I saw the red flags but ignored them. The High was too great and I was going to save the day.  I almost lost myself. When I finally had my what the heck moment and started to realize it wasn't me I started working on me. It took me a while to work through me and then I got the courage to say no more and I finally accepted the person I fell in love with does not exist.

So accurate, so reflective of mine. Except I was a fool, I waited until she tuned me black. And that was almost the undoing of me.

[willtimeheal]

Haven't posted in a while. My relationship lasted six years. I still remember that feeling in my gut the first time we spent time together... .it said run but I didn't listen. It took me about three years to realize that what I was seeing and experiencing was not normal. I had that what the heck moment. That's when I woke up. I listened to all stories of childhood trauma, past loves that lied and cheated, I listened to the low self esteem... .I was not going to be like everyone else. I was going to love her enough to make all the hurt go away. I understand now most of what she told me were lies and she manipulated me. I saw the red flags but ignored them. The High was too great and I was going to save the day.  I almost lost myself. When I finally had my what the heck moment and started to realize it wasn't me I started working on me. It took me a while to work through me and then I got the courage to say no more and I finally accepted the person I fell in love with does not exist.

So accurate, so reflective of mine. Except I was a fool, I waited until she tuned me black. And that was almost the undoing of me.

Arminius... .I was turned black too.  It almost destroyed me. I am still feeling effects from it but I can say my days are always getting better. I was a fool too. When I think about what I put up with and what I ignored it makes me cringe. I would have never tolerated that from anyone else but from her I did. I wanted that family. Her and her kids and I would over look anything. But then I realized my own worth and what I was sacrificing and said no more.

[zundertowz]

As we all know, BPD is on a spectrum, it's my belief that the longer lasting relationships were with people that had a mild manifestation of BPD and the shorter ones were with people with much more severe BPD. After a lot of reading it is my belief that the only people who can have a long relationship with a full on BPD, is someone with some pretty serious co-decency issues.

Just my opinion.

*

I dont understand how some of these relationships lasted years... .

I was pushed away and discarded after 8-9 months by my ex bf who was hiding his BPD and Bipolar Disorder. I didn't understand his behavior since he was acting "out of character" from what I knew. Once I opened my mouth to him and tearfully confronted him, he dumped me and blamed everything on me.

Do others with BPD not exhibit "signs" or experience the "flip of a switch behavior" until years in their relationship? Or do the Non's just put up with unacceptable behavior until they hit their breaking point. It blows my mind.

Co dependancy issues or Narcissists... .Narcissists do a better job of keeping BPDs under control and also enjoy the drama... .Eventually it will become a train wreck tho.  my ex had a few exes who were narcissist meatheads that lasted a while.  Im the polar opposite which is why I guess I feel for her your so different script.

[Survivor25]

Drummer boy, you are right on! I lasted 25 years, so yes, I do have some SERIOUS CD issues for sure!