Weird presents - anybody else have this experience from BPD/NPD parents?

[LadyJane]

Thursday Next - gosh, I don't remember how old I was, probably early to mid teens, though.

[theleveebreaks]

My uBPDmom always gave nice presents, except for clothing which would always be overly large and frumpy. But my dad and his mom are a different story. I suspect that my dad has narcissistic traits and that my grandmother had some sort of PD in the past, possibly borderline, although she's mellowed out a lot with age.

My dad used to give my mom cookbooks and trashy airport novels, probably because he didn't respect her intelligence. She would then get pissed about it for days on end. He gave me the opposite type of problematic gift - extremely dense books on arbitrary topics like painting, airplanes or genealogy, when I was 7 or 8 years old. I still wouldn't want to suffer my way through that stuff. This was stuff that he was interested in, but not me.

My grandmother is very religious. She's given me: A little sampler with "Jesus loves me" on it, biographies of people who lived in sin until they converted to her religion, and other such tripe like that. My dad has gotten some really inappropriate gifts - can't remember most of them, but I do remember that she once gave him a farmer's almanac. My dad is an attorney who lives in a medium-sized city. He apparently got very upset over this; my grandmother has always disapproved of his profession and thinks he should be a farmer or minister, and this type of present is her way of reminding him of what he COULD have been.

My aunt, whom I don't know too well, has her own problems from what I've heard and her kids are pretty messed up. She gave me a hymn book for my 18th birthday.

I think these people have trouble with gift-giving because they can't see others for who they really are. They're too busy projecting and transferring various things onto them.

[stellaris]

Weird presents:  Once my mom gave my 14 yr old son a choice for his birthday.  Dancing lessons, or a donation to be made in his name to help preserve ocelots.

She gave my uncle a broom one Christmas, as a gag gift because he was, in her words, a neat freak.  However she neglected to back up the gag gift with a real one.  For the record, my uncle isn't a neat freak, my mom is a slob.

I was always being given books that she considered classic but which I had no interest in.  To be fair, some of them I did eventually read and enjoy.

Last time I was there for Christmas (three years ago now), she gave me a woman's scarf.

To be fair, sometimes she gave gifts which were very thoughtful - a handmade super-scarf, a nice quilt she made herself, things that fit my interests very well.

[ThursdayNext]

Lady Jane, still think that soap gift was revolting - the attitude that went with it is the worst.

theleveebreaks: your words about cookbooks and trashy novels reminded my so much of my uNPD father-dear-father. He, too, is an intellectual snob (of the 'my brain is so big that I shouldn't have to do mundane tasks like other mortals, everybody should look after me because of my super special brain' variety). He devalued the reading of all of us in the family - used to pick whatever we were reading (if it wasn't a classic or a currently recognised writer of 'good literature' with two fingers and say 'what *are* you reading' with this look on his face as if he'd just come across a very smelly dead body. Never gave my mother books - 'there's no point, she doesn't read' (gee, would that be because she's too busy running round doing all the things you think your brain is too big to do?) And if we gave him books for presents he was always supercilious about it. Highest praise I ever got (well, not praise - more of a grudging thankyou) was with regard to a book I'd bought for him. It had won a major Australian prize for literature. Father-dear-father said: 'You know, that was quite good!' with great surprise, not only at the skill of the writer but also that I'd managed to recognise a good writer without his expert assistance.   

Oh, and re the religious thing: now that my darling non-mum is no longer there to cover by choosing all the presents (actually, I usually did it) for grandchildren, father-dear-father has to do it himself. For Christmas 2008 he gave his 13yr old grandson a book on Catholic liturgy/beliefs and a rosary. My sister's husband is a very lapsed non-practising Catholic and the family does not attend church. Needless to say my nephew was... .somewhat confused and very unimpressed. Had to help eldest sister try and cover when darling nephew did the 'look what grandpa gave me' thing with an expression on his face as if he'd been given a dead snake. I did try and put a good spin on it but only because sis was determined to. Normally I'd just say, 'well, religion is important to grandpa'. Actually since my mum left, he's become even more fundamentalist (think he believes she'll go to hell for leaving him) tho he's not Catholic. Seems to think it's his job to give religious education to his lapsed and pagan grandchildren. For some reason they're not keen on the idea - wonder why? 

stellaris: ah, yes, the 'I'm only joking' insulting gift or phrase. They specialise in this, so often, don't they? Gift once from u?NPD bro (chosen by his controlling wife) - a pair of socks to go with shoes (at the time I didn't wear socks with shoes) and a cheap pad of writing paper from the newsagent. Because I like to write letters.   They're so often good at the 'it was only a joke, you're always so supersensitive' thing aren't they? And doesn't it make you feel sick to the stomach? As for the dancing lessons... .! Unless your son had shown any interest in dance, why would someone do that? And **ocelots**? Sounds like she wanted to make the donation so set it up so that she knew he'd choose the charity option. Pity he didn't want to learn tap or jazz or something funky - then she'd have had to pay up as she didn't specify what *kind* of dance!

I thought this thread had died - good to see it's still reaching people.

Ye gods, though - imagine how high the rubbish tip of 'crappy presents from PD rels/family/friends' must be!

[picturelady]

This is a great thread - nice to have something to laugh about here!

My u BPD sister-in-law ranks right up there with some of the best.  In fact, I routinely take the gifts she gives us and try to sell them on Ebay!  Last year it was some kind of magnifier thing that you wear on your head and look ridiculous... .before that it was some kind of computer software that's supposed to increase your intelligence; one year she gave me a glass dish that I displayed in our bathroom with pretty soaps and decorative washcloth - she exploded when she saw it, threw a fit that her gift was in the BATHROOM of all places!  She also definitely shows favoritism with her gifts - anyone else experience that?  One of our daughters was her favorite for a number of years; she would send her money and give her large gift cards for Christmas - pretty much ignoring our other 3 kids.   

[stellaris]

Thursdaynext - you are absolutely correct.  My son was about as dance-uninterested as it is possible for a twelve year old boy to be.  She's a big environmentalist (I wish she put half the effort into me that she put into her environmentl issues), and I am quite certain that she wanted to send the money to the ocelots, and that she wanted to brag about her grandson's environmental awareness and big-hearted giving.

To this day, when she gives a strange and innappropriate gift, we call it an ocelot.

picturelady - favouritism.  My BPD grandmother once gave my 7 yr old sister a skateboard.  She was really too young for one, while I, at ten, was living in a world where skateboards were cool.  It was an "extra" present, and by far the coolest one she'd ever gotten either of us.  I got nothing.  My sister wasn't really into it, but did use her ownership to exercise power in letting me borrow it or not (I can't blame her, both mom and grandma were playing "divide and rule".

I did have a lot of fun on her skateboard, but the favouritism hurt.  And I did eventually (like, a year later) get my own skateboard.

Chris

[picturelady]

Wow, Chris, the favoritism you described sounds so familiar.  Every Christmas my MIL would make a big ordeal of having the kids open the presents one at a time.  (Of course it had to be very controlled.)  Our oldest daughter always received bigger and better gifts than the other kids... .our 2nd child was very close to her in age and of course felt the discrepancy.  Once all the presents were opened, MIL would disappear to her room to bring out something(s) "extra" - with great fanfare - for our oldest.  Our 2nd son would wait expectantly... .for nothing.  I know it hurt.  Thanks for your insights.

[ORTNmom]

How about the time my BPD sister was picked up by the police, wandering the streets with a purse full of sleeping pills, and taken to the psychiatric facility, where the doctors asked if this was her first suicide attempt.  I truthfully said no, so they kept her for a week.  As they took her away she screamed  that I was a liar, there was no reason for her to be in there, throwing things at me, etc... .

I took her two very traumatized small children for the week.  They had not a stitch with them, I bought new clothes, shoes, socks, underwear, pajamas, toothbrushes... .I cuddled them and talked with them, took them to the park, read stories, played, got up when they were crying... .took the phone away when I heard the oldest say, "no Mom you don't really want to kill yourself... ."

After she was released from the hospital and the children went home, she appeared on my porch with a BASKET in which was a box of COOKIE MIX and a COOKIE CUTTER--and said with a cheerful smile, "This is for watching the boys for me while I was away!"

[ThursdayNext]

Ah, great - so you get to make the cookies and then give them to her, presumably? Oh, yeah. That's like the time father-dear-father (uNPD) gave me a recipe book for muffins - I didn't eat them but he did!

Haven't experienced the favouritism gift giving much although my uNPD Knight Bro (rescuer!) is showing definite signs of that. Small, limited gifts to those he's angry with or disapproves of in terms of they're not doing what he wants. More expensive gifts to those in favour.

I can laugh about it because I'm an adult but can only imagine how much it hurt for you as children - and when it was your mother or father, especially.

   to all - hope your heart-bruises are healing and you are enjoying giving well-chosen, appropriate gifts to all those you love!

[stellaris]

You know, I just had a flash of insight.

When I was 7 and 8 (grade 2 and 3) I walked to school, and I was sometimes late.  Being late meant going to the principles office and was a very scary experience.

Anyway, for my eighth (I think) Christmas, I got a watch.  We were allowed to open one present each before my parents were up, and I levered my bleary self out of bed at 3 AM to go and open my present.  I was very, very dissappointed, having hoped for a cool toy of some kind.  My sister (4) got a tea set and I was jealous of this.  However my mom explained that the watch was to help me get to school on time, and that she had thought I was big enough to appreciate a watch.  She didn't minimize my dissappointment or anything.

Only this moment have I realized that... .

A)  It was >her< job to get me up, dressed and out the door to get to school on time, all the running and panic that I had over being late wasn't really my fault at age seven.

B)  By giving me the watch, she made this my responsibility!

C)  A watch?  For the primary present for an eight-year old?

Interestingly enough, both my sister and I were typically late for school when my father was driving us.  In Gr 7 I had a very abusive schoolteacher, and tried to refuse to get up (my father would dribble water on me, or occasionally just dump my mattress onto the floor).  We were often late - for Gr 8 I was late almost every day even, but that school didn't care or track it effectively)  Only in Gr 9, in a school that did track lateness and where I was responsible for getting myself there did I show up typically on time.  Of course, I went without breakfast most days because I cut it too finely, my father and sister were already gone, and my mother slept in till the afternoon.  I also often missed lunch.  However, that's a different issue.

Chris

[methinkso]

Stellaris's experience with the watch gift brings another memory to me.

First, mother never wore a watch, never. Never in her life did she wear a watch even when she was employed.

I was gifted with a watch when I was about ten. It was too large for me. A couple years later Dad took out some links so it fit. But by then, I was arising before dawn to get myself ready for school, then getting 'the boys' up, (one older, one younger than I) then waking mother.

THESE are the kinds of messages, IMO, that we often grapple with here to define HOW we became parentified. (And guilted into FOG). 

[LavaMeetsSea]

Oh yes.  For a long time, Mom kept pushing me to collect something, thereby simplifying things, but the only thing I was interested in collecting was books.  Easy, right?  Nope.  At twelve I got Anna Karenina.  Another fun book was Pablo Neruda's complete collected works; the next year, I got a smaller collection of his love poems.  Now perhaps if I were an adult at the time, or spoke Spanish, these gifts might have made sense, but the same frigging book?  Then as an adult, what do I get?  "The Muppets take Manhatten".  The background to the Muppets things was particularly painful.  When I was in kindergarten, I liked Miss Piggy.  All the girls did.  Mom tells me to invite them to my party, which will be a Miss Piggy themed party, and I'm ecstatic.  They arrive, and instead of Miss Piggy, my mother's chosen to make the cake - and party - about Oscar the grouch.  You guessed it, the cake was him coming out of the garbage can.  Imagine the teasing I got from the other kids, and it's not shocking that I started avoiding the Muppets, which I did.  Even started having nightmares about the Kermit doll in my room and everything.  So getting the DVD in my 20s... .thanks Ma.  The worst though, were the dolls.

I was having memory problems, and we moved a lot, and it was my responsibility to find my way home from school.  I was around 12 or 13 and had lived somewhere a few months when I got lost on the way home.  In retrospect I was probably triggered and dissociated, because it was hours later when my mother saw me standing in front of a furniture store and asked me what the heck I was doing there, and not having an answer or wanting to admit that I didn't know either, I panicked and pointed to a porcelain doll that was decorating a child's bedroom set.  "Isn't she beautiful?"  My mother dropped the subject, I hopped into the car, and that, I thought, was that.  I was actually grateful for the first few dolls, since even though they reminded me of that panicked, spacey feeling, I had indicated interest, and it's the thought, right?  Four years later there are dozens of them, perfectly posed on stands and benches, lady dolls, baby dolls, Alice from Wonderland from my pedophile father, ridiculous untouched dust-gathering symbols of lifeless, hollow fragility that I can't seem to admit I never wanted anyway.  My stepfather at the time was stealing money from my mother, and going through her mail.  As a favor one afternoon, I grabbed the mail and put it in her desk for her, only to be confronted by my raging and violent stepfather, who pinned me in my closet as I was changing into my chore clothes, before yanking my Sega right out of the wall and ruining both it and wall socket, giving me just enough time to pull my shorts on before he picked me up and threw me outside.  I was more scared than hurt, but I was bleeding where my hands and knees were scraped, and beyond indignant when the mother I'd been trying to protect blamed me for "provoking" him.  When I was allowed back in the house, I took every single one of those dolls and undressed and unbraided them, before slumping them over in their stands like possessed zombies, wild and disheveled and oddly satisfying.  The next day I went to school, hiding my scratched palms in long sleeves, only to come home and find every doll redressed and coifed, perfectly arranged and smoothed and braided, a feat even I could not have accomplished since who'd remember what went where?  It would have taken hours, there were that many.  I went straight into the bathroom and threw up.  That Christmas, for the first time, I unwrap another darn doll and don't bother hiding my disgust.  "I'm going to be eighteen next month; don't you think I'm a little old for this?"  She gave me the sneer-smile, before bantering, "Well you still play with them, don't you?"

The worst present I ever got though, wasn't from my mother; it was from my father.  He mailed me and my live-in boyfriend edible body paints for Valentine's Day.  I'm probably going to be in therapy for the rest of my life... .

[methinkso]

Lava,

You were put through the ringer. Very sad stories.

I spoke here before of having wanted a barbie doll when I was 7. None came. But when I was twelve evilsis got a barbie doll (she was 5) and I got the midge doll.

Mother gave that midge doll back to me when I was in my 30's. The doll was naked and it had holes poked in it's 'nipples'. I am sure (in all practicality but no memory) I'd poked those holes. Seems to have come from a straight pin. And the doll was naked, and I did have some vague memory of making it so.

I have two analysis. One, I was angry and 'trashed' that f'n doll I didn't want under the circumstances, OR I'd done that because I'd been molested my an older male cousin and am old man pervert a block away from our home. He 'grabbed' by breasts when I was ten and didn't even have breasts yet. He aggressively tried to entice me into his home. Of course I told nobody of any of this. What the hell good would it have done then? Aroused mother into another blaming rage? Yep, most likely.

[osterly]

Oh yes!  I'm reading through all of your replies and having a good laugh.  My BPD mom has given us crazy gifts all throughout the years.  The last "gift" was an old, outdated box of "Tom Cruise" brand of sour gummie candy that had been manufactured in China.  duh?  She frequents an old department store that re-sells old crap and then gives it away.

She's also been famous for trying to give me her clothes that she orders online from hideous places.  She got obsessed with moleskin shirts last year and she'd repeat over and over "it's moleskin, it's moleskin"  weird. 

She has been hellbent on giving me ugly jewelry that she gets as free gifts from her online ordering.  Last one was a huge charm bracelet that would have fit a grizzly bear.  Funny stuff.  Wow, it's great to finally be able to reach out to others with such strange experiences as these. 

[SKS]

My dad married an uBPD waif/queen/witch about 7 years ago, we are pretty much no contact with them due to her antics.  The only gift we received from her was a potato peeler.  Boy oh boy, my enmeshed father went on about how wonderful she was to give us that.  Give me a freaking break. 

Never received anything else again. Grateful for that!

[DeeEsse]

This is one of my favorite threads since I've been on this forum. It's weirdly comforting to hear all these wacked out gift stories and know I'm not the only one. Some of the gifts hurt so much. They seem to embody everything that's wrong with our relationship with the BP. It's fascinating, terribly sad, and yet hilarious all at the same time.

I remembered another one. For my high school graduation my mom gave me a beautiful pendant that belonged to her when she was young. It was a pearl and diamond pendant, a single pearl with a tiny diamond, set in platinum. Not too shabby at face value. She made a big to do about how it was given to her when she graduated from high school and now she was passing it on to me... .blah blah blah...

Only recently did it occur to me that she had simply dug it out of her dresser drawer and it handed it to me: it was a way to get out of having to give any thought to an actual gift that would have had real meaning to me.

I did wear it a few times and I still have it, but it means nothing to me. After getting out on my own and struggling for years with no money, no job, no job skills, no social skills, no family support no nothing... .I seriously considered hawking it a few times just to buy groceries.

[ThursdayNext]

You know, everything I've read since I started this thread confirms to me over and over and over again that so much it's about the **thinking** behind the gift - whether from a PD or not.

In most cases with our BPs what seems to hurt us is the **lack** of thinking behind the gift! Okay, sometimes someone gives you something crappy... .

An example: a cousin of mine had been in hospital for suicide ideation. I went and visited him, spent quite a lot of time talking to and listening to him when he came out of hospital, trying to understand his problem (other than depression - he has the medicos well confused, they're still not sure if it's pre-schizophrenia or social phobia or both or something else)... .

Anyway, my aunt strongly suggested he should get me something for my birthday by way of thankyou. He is a penny-pinching soul - but his gift was thoughtful, if cheap. He gave me a $2AU potted colour (pansy) and a small bar of chocolate (he didn't realise at that point that I didn't eat chocolate, just knew that he liked chocolate and it was comfort food!) and a really, really clever/funny card.

I was really touched because this was a time when he was hardly relating to people at all, could barely see outside his own black cloud. It probably cost a total of$5AU but the **thought** was wonderful.

I have been given expensive gifts that are very meaningful not because they're expensive but because of the fact that someone put a lot of thought into who I was and what interested me - and what I needed to follow that interest. I've been given expensive gifts that are meaningless or worse, hurtful, because they lack any thought at all, or the thought is controlling.

I also find that any gift that comes from someone with whom I'm in an uncomfortable relationship - e.g. my uNPD Knight Bro and his Princess/Stepford Wife - is just unbearable, even if it's something I otherwise might like.

Usually it isn't - usually it's a subtle form of control, or seems that way to me.

I'm horrified by some of the stories I've read here - the china doll story gave me chills. I'm afraid I've always disliked china dolls - the more human/real they look, the more I dislike them!

But the cold, calculating, deliberately manipulative and hurtful attitude behind it? That's the worst thing. That's the bit that scars. Not the gift, what it says about the relationship, about this person you are desperate to have a *good* relationship with, usually because they're a parent or significant person in your life... .

I'd be interested to know how partners of SOs would respond to this thread. I know I'm not allowed to post it in two places at once but it would be interesting to know if BPD/NPD SOs are as dreadful at gift giving and the other things we've been discussing as our parent monsters are/have been.

Wishing you all healing - and please keep sharing your stories. It seems to be touching many.

[HappyChappy]

They say its the thought that matters, and I had a NPD bro that gave realy insulting presents. I later found out this is A typical for a covert Narcassist, but I think BPD also play games with gifts.

My NPD bought you things he knew you hated. But he would find a cheap second hand version leave the 5p sticker on it, and give it you. It was bizzar, until I read they do this to disrespect you, put you in your place.

So he got me a second hand bootleg tape of a band I hated one year, with the 5p price on. My Dad would buy the latest "whats on guide", so my NPD got him the same guide but 5 years older, with the second hand 10 pence sticker still on it, of course. It was like this with every present.
 
I’m dyslexic and one year all I got from the BPD mom was a dictionary. It was accompanied by “You’ll never get a job if you can’t spell.” repeated most days.  Not as subtle as my NPD, but did I mention he’s “covert”.  

Another year my BPD just got me a music stand. No instrument to go with it, just the stand.  And an explanation that it was a bargain at the charity shop.

So anyone else had odd funny gifts ?

[strength_love]

My (uNPD/uBPD) mother has done that to me as well. Among the worst examples was a birthday gift of a box of 8 or 10 badly damaged and mostly unplayable vinyl records (she knew that I collected vinyl records). She had pulled the box from the rafters of her garage. It was full of dead and dried out insects and spiders and cobwebs.

It was particularly nasty because she knew that I had a phobia of insects and spiders - one that she created in me by using huge plastic insects and spiders to control and terrorize me as a very small child.

Meanwhile that same year she gave my sister (who has since been diagnosed with BPD) a brand new TV for her birthday.

EDIT: Oh, and one year toward the end (my mother and I have been NC for more than 5 years now) she gave me an alarm clock that wakes you up to a recorded message. It was her voice singing, "Good morning, good morning - time to get up, it's your mother!" which would actually have been kind of a cute gift but given the context of our relationship and lives, fills me with horror, dread and grief.

[S-inLaw]

My F/L,  a known by family Narcissist, gave gifts at Christmas that he had received as freebies in the mail. Junkie cheap radios, pens & paper pads (usually with his name on them), One year he actually went all out and gave us calendars... .self printed... .with a picture of him kissing the Popes hand.

[Panda39]

Happy Chappy, this tread it hilarious thanks for digging it up   

My SO's daughters unfortunately don't often receive anything from their mom these days.  She is unfortunately, the failed promise queen.

But the most awful gift actually given was a TV Guide with someone on the cover that my SO's older daughter liked.  That was her Hanukkah gift, that was it, nothing for the other 7 days of Hanukkah.  Least she could have done was get a TV Tray, or a TV Dinner to go with it (I miss the eye rolling emoji!).

It's funny and sad all rolled into one.  Thank goodness for the other "normal" family members that know how to celebrate with the girls.

Panda39

[JessicaStar]

I really love this thread! I get strange gifts from both my father, who is narcissistic, and my mom, who is BPD. Lucky me! I'm a double winner!

My parents are divorced so they both do it in different ways. My dad likes to bring over things he wants to throw out, and I'm supposed to be super grateful. Gifts I've received include a random blade from a Cuisinart. One dish from a set that no longer exists. One old seriously fugly dish. A mug he claimed I loved as a child -- I've never seen it. And then he eats all my food.

My mom likes to send gifts to my child and to me when she wants attention. They aren't funny, they're just unnecessary. The point of them is to make me thank her for them and tell her how much I love her. She usually does this when I'm trying to set a boundary. Fun times!

[crazycatlady]

Not presents so much but... .trying to get me to take other people's old stuff.

Like, over the summer, my grandmother (my mom's mom) passed away. She and my mom were not very close. But my mom did her very best to pawn off my grandma's rickety old furnishings and crap onto me.

One of the things she tried to get me to take was a TV stand. I don't need a TV stand. Another was this old dresser that came from some podunk thrift store and none of the drawers in it lined up right.

The last straw was a gun case for rifles. I don't have any rifles. She insisted I could put books in it.

I don't need or want it. When I tell her this, she gets all indignant and calls me ungrateful. *sigh*

[Panda39]

One of the things she tried to get me to take was a TV stand. I don't need a TV stand.

    I know someone with a TV Guide that could use the TV Stand 

Panda39

[FoxC]

I'm in my  thirties... Not so long ago my mother bought me a Kamasutra book with illustrations and stuff... so that I could know how the stuff is done. It felt soo weird. And hurtful in a way, because my romantic life was never successful, because of her humm... education. So, too weird to accept the 'gift' and then she said that she bought the book initially for herself anyways. I don't know, maybe it's just me being too sensitive about it, but it is what it is.

[Kwamina]

Hi FoxC

I'm in my  thirties... Not so long ago my mother bought me a Kamasutra book with illustrations and stuff... so that I could know how the stuff is done. It felt soo weird. And hurtful in a way, because my romantic life was never successful, because of her humm... education. So, too weird to accept the 'gift' and then she said that she bought the book initially for herself anyways. I don't know, maybe it's just me being too sensitive about it, but it is what it is.

I personally don't think it's just you being too sensitive about it. I generally would find this a rather inappropriate gift to be getting from one's mother.

Has your mother given you things before that made you feel uncomfortable? Does she has a history of saying or doing things that you feel are inappropriate or make you feel awkward?

[Feeling Better]

This topic is now locked because it has reached it’s allowed length.

The post originator is most welcome to open up a new continuation thread or alternatively start a new thread.

Thanks everyone for participating in this thread.