Well, I feel dumb...

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

Mine came back, was really missing me, etc etc.

Except for one small thing, she didn't actually spend any time alone with me. She roped me into helping her with her homework (Seriously, university homework) and then was so busy she couldn't come and see me.

I actually fell for it once, then told her I was too busy to help her the next time. I haven't heard from her since... .

So yes, when they come back it's because they need something. Nothing has changed.

[Frustratedbloke]

Mine came back, was really missing me, etc etc.

Except for one small thing, she didn't actually spend any time alone with me. She roped me into helping her with her homework (Seriously, university homework) and then was so busy she couldn't come and see me.

I actually fell for it once, then told her I was too busy to help her the next time. I haven't heard from her since... .

So yes, when they come back it's because they need something. Nothing has changed.

[Ahoy]

Exactly. Don't beat yourself up, I think most of us here are optimists and that's a great trait to have. Unfortunately that coupled with hope in a BPD relationship can get us into all sorts of trouble.

Another lesson learned?

[Frustratedbloke]

Yeah I give myself credit for only falling for it once. She wanted days of my time and just couldn't find a few hours to come and see me without the books.

I'm getting better at this game, but its soo disappointing that's all it is.

People can be just awful

[WoundedBibi]

People can just be awfully sick.

[troisette]

Yes they can be totally self centred. I once told my ex that he was the most selfish person I'd ever met. He thought about it and told me he was happy with his selfishness. No answer to that.

I guess we expect others to have a similar moral compass to ours and it's horrible to discover they haven't and feel no guilt or remorse about it.

Gutting actually.

[WoundedBibi]

Yes they can be totally self centred. I once told my ex that he was the most selfish person I'd ever met. He thought about it and told me he was happy with his selfishness. No answer to that.

I guess we expect others to have a similar moral compass to ours and it's horrible to discover they haven't and feel no guilt or remorse about it.

Gutting actually.

I know. It is gutting. And I still can't get my head around it. But then again my head has a more normal brain inside of it than his. My ex's brain cannot think like mine, process things like mine, or have the same moral compass as mine. I wish he could. But he can't. And no matter how much I want his brain to suddenly be different, it is not going to happen. That still hurts. Not so much that I can't change him but that (IMO) no one and nothing ever will.

[Frustratedbloke]

Honestly I am almost laughing at myself, I mean how did I expect it to go?

I might be getting to a healthy level of detachment here, it kind of feels like perched on the outside looking in and just laughing at the sheer comedy of the situation.

She's angry that I didn't help her, she feels angry that I wasn't there to rescue her yet again. I'm actually the bad guy in her head.

It's kind of genius in its own messed up way

[SoMadSoSad]

Honestly I am almost laughing at myself, I mean how did I expect it to go?

I might be getting to a healthy level of detachment here, it kind of feels like perched on the outside looking in and just laughing at the sheer comedy of the situation.

She's angry that I didn't help her, she feels angry that I wasn't there to rescue her yet again. I'm actually the bad guy in her head.

It's kind of genius in its own messed up way

Why didn't you help her?

[Bushido]

Exactly. Don't beat yourself up, I think most of us here are optimists and that's a great trait to have. Unfortunately that coupled with hope in a BPD relationship can get us into all sorts of trouble.

Another lesson learned?

Very true !

[Frustratedbloke]

I didn't help her because this is the whole game, that's why she comes back promising stuff she has no interest in delivering. And I've done it, I've helped her, been lied to and she keeps coming back and doing it again.

Eventually, why should I help? She's lying and taking advantage before disappearing again and congratulating herself on how clever she is.

[SoMadSoSad]

I didn't help her because this is the whole game, that's why she comes back promising stuff she has no interest in delivering. And I've done it, I've helped her, been lied to and she keeps coming back and doing it again.

Eventually, why should I help? She's lying and taking advantage before disappearing again and congratulating herself on how clever she is.

So you're still madly in love with her? So much so that you couldn't just help her as like a friend to friend thing?

[FannyB]

So you're still madly in love with her? So much so that you couldn't just help her as like a friend to friend thing?

I think you're missing the point here SoMadSoSad. A lot of the issues in BPD romantic relationships arise due to poor boundary setting/enforcement. Frustratedbloke has tried to be a decent friend, but a good friend would show appreciation and respect in return. His ex hasn't done that so he has every right to be annoyed at her behaviour.

Fanny

[Frustratedbloke]

You are totally missing the point. When she basically tried to friendzone me I told her if she wanted friends she needed to find someone else, I had no interest.

So I have been consistent. I have zero interest in being her friend, especially as that will only be a one way friendship in any case.

I told her, we're together or we don't speak again. She keeps trying to come back, get what she wants with fake promises and then disappear. So this time I just cut the game short.

Honestly if you're trying to be friends with a BPD ex then good luck to you, I can't see how it will end well though.

[SoMadSoSad]

You are totally missing the point. When she basically tried to friendzone me I told her if she wanted friends she needed to find someone else, I had no interest.

So I have been consistent. I have zero interest in being her friend, especially as that will only be a one way friendship in any case.

I told her, we're together or we don't speak again. She keeps trying to come back, get what she wants with fake promises and then disappear. So this time I just cut the game short.

Honestly if you're trying to be friends with a BPD ex then good luck to you, I can't see how it will end well though.

Oh no I was just wondering if you were still in love with her as this is the detatching board but it looks like you were looking to stay. So now you're going NC correct?

[FannyB]

Honestly if you're trying to be friends with a BPD ex then good luck to you, I can't see how it will end well though.

In the vast majority of cases the same push/pull dynamics which destroyed the initial relationship will come into play. Only this time without the mind-blowing sex as a sweetener.  You're doing the right thing IMO.

Fanny

[Frustratedbloke]

No I am not still in love with her, what I have realised is that she has zero value as a friend. If she wanted to sleep with me, yes I am a man and I have my own flaws, I'd put up with her rubbish. If she doesn't want to sleep with me but still wants girlfriend treatment? Honey... .Noo... .

[SoMadSoSad]

No I am not still in love with her, what I have realised is that she has zero value as a friend. If she wanted to sleep with me, yes I am a man and I have my own flaws, I'd put up with her rubbish. If she doesn't want to sleep with me but still wants girlfriend treatment? Honey... .Noo... .

So you helped her with the expectation that she would give herself to you? (not judging you btw I'm a guy too so I prob would have done that myself)

[Frustratedbloke]

I feel you're struggling with basic comprehension. I've been amazed on these boards by how people are seemingly just contrary for the hell of it.

No, I told her that I didn't want to be friends. If she wanted to be friends she should never contact me again. I did not want to be friends. Get it?

So when she contacted me, and told me she was thinking about us, I  told her again, she said she understood. Then she got what she wanted and then vanished. She came back, did the same again. This time she came back, started to do the same again. I cut her dead.

So tell me, are you still confused? Am I the bad guy? I set boundaries, and this time I am enforcing them. That's all.

[SoMadSoSad]

No I am not still in love with her, what I have realised is that she has zero value as a friend. If she wanted to sleep with me, yes I am a man and I have my own flaws, I'd put up with her rubbish. If she doesn't want to sleep with me but still wants girlfriend treatment? Honey... .Noo... .

So you don't love her, you don't want to be friends. But you are willing to sleep with her. What were you expectations when you helped her?

[Frustratedbloke]

That she would sleep with me. Friends  with benefits is fine for me, it's the only way it could work. There's no relationship that could possibly work, we tried, I don't want to be friends, I made that clear. Friends with benefits is the only window left. So that's what I wanted.

She messaged me again tonight, I told her we need to talk in the next couple of days because she can do something or lose me forever, I'll block her and that's it, no contact ever again. I think it is probably the best answer for me anyway.

[SoMadSoSad]

I hope things work out for you. If you can pull off the fwb thing then you are a god because more likely than not she will fall in love again and start love bombing. Then the push/pull cycle will start again. I'm not positive but this is what I think will happen based off research I've done so far on BPD.