Hi sbr
I'm sorry that you're feeling so alone right now . In the circumstances I think it's very understandable that things feel very raw and painful.
"My uBPDexbf’s younger daughter (26) showed up today to return a saw that my ex found while cleaning out the basement. I haven’t seen the daughter since before my ex and I split up so we caught up on things and though I am not proud of all of it, I told her exactly what I think of her dad and his choices (23 year old GF, his acting like he is 23, etc). I told her I worried about how it affected her and her sister and that I still care about the family and what he is doing to them. I was not rude or obnoxious, but I didn’t mince words. I told her that I always believed he had been a classy, upstanding guy but that his actions these days are digusting. She just smiled and I could tell it wasn’t just politeness or trying to appease me - she truly doesn’t think anything odd about his behavior or the fact that her brother is dating the 20 year old sister of the new GF. This daughter has always just accepted life and anything that came along, dysfunctional or not. She just repeated what the older daughter said to me, “I just want you and my dad to be happy”. They are almost like Stepford Wives or something. Is this common for children of pwBPD? It is almost like they have no standards and no judgement."I know that you brought this daughter up from a young age so this must be very hard. I can't imagine that she really approves of her father's behaviour, but however badly he's behaved he is still her father and from what you said in your earlier posts she very dependent on her him. I know it's particularly hard on you, but she may also be struggling with breakup of her family. Either way it doesn't sound like she can give you the support or validation that you need.
"After she left, I felt worse than ever. I feel like I am alone on an island and no one cares. I also realized that a man that I thought had class and character is really just a dysfunctional mess and so is the whole family, including the 2 daughters that I had a big part in raising. I came inside and had a 2 hour sobbing fest with my mom on the phone.
What is wrong with me?"I don't think there's anything wrong with you at all. Five months isn't much time to recover from an 18 year relationship. You're grieving a long relationship and the loss of your family. Try to be gentle on yourself and allow yourself the time and space to grieve and process what's happened.
I found this information on healing really helped to understand what I was going through
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=136462.msg1331263#msg1331263Are you seeing a T? I found it very helpful work through my feelings with someone who had the skills and training to guide me and validate my feelings.
"I have been trying to move on with life. I am doing fun things with friends. I don’t say no to new experiences. I am working on improving me (losing a little weight, dressing well, etc). I am trying my very best to date, meet new people, get out. It takes effort but I am doing it. I just want to meet someone I have things in common with, who is nice and normal. I realize I need to re-learn what a normal relationship is like. But I need a distraction so I stop obsessing about missing the good things about my ex. I am on every dating site I can think of. I meet some men, strike up conversations, maybe go out once or twice. I am fun and witty. I don’t say or do anything inappropriate. I bury the dysfunctional relationship I came out of 5 months ago in my mind. No one knows what it did to me. There is no talk of the ex – if I am asked, I merely say, we wanted different things out of life. But these men seem to drop off with no reason. They just stop texting or communicating. I am really feeling like a leper. I feel unwanted. I feel old. I feel undesirable." It's sounds like you're doing a lot very positive things - kudos to you.
I do think we all feel very vulnerable in the aftermath of these relationships and dating again can be challenging even when we've had the chance to fully recover. Rejection is an inevitable part of the process, but it's doubly hard to handle when we're still feeling wounded and vulnerable. And prospective partners can often sense when we're not available or at least the healthy ones can.
I can understand your desire to move forward with your life and put this relationship behind you, but do you think you owe it to yourself to take a little more time to heal? I've done this because I realised that I needed to give myself some love and care and also because I've been struck by the stories of other members who have gone straight from dysfunctional relationship into another because they didn't take the time the work on themselves.
"I am a very successful business owner, I make a lot of money, I love my work, my staff, my life. I have a great property, great vehicles, I am kind. I help others. I volunteer. I have little baggage compared to many. I am educated, some many say pretty (although I don’t feel it). No one wants me."It sounds like you have achieved a lot in your life and that you have a lot to offer, but I know how lonely and unlovable you can feel when a long term relationship ends.
For a while my perception of other people's behaviour and reactions was very coloured by my exes devaluation of me and I felt that others either endorsed it or didn't really seem to care about how she had hurt me. Now I think this was much more about my state of mind and not really an accurate reflection of what people really felt. I haven't dated for a while because I realise that I needed time to focus on rebuilding myself and I wanted to make sure that my next relationship was healthy. Now I feel much more ready to date again and I do believe that I can find someone else who can love me in the way that I need.
"And all along, I keep hearing about my ex. He is on top of the world. He has a young, hot, controllable 23 year old. They live together, he bought her a truck, he takes her to work with him, they go out together. They go on trips together. They are building a great life together. He’s got it all. And it may last a long time. And they may have all the things he could not or would not give me."I've been lucky that because I live in a large city and I'm able able to avoid any contact with my ex. But hearing about her or speculating about her current relationship just opened the wounds so I any asked mutual friends or family who'd been in contact with her not to tell me about it. Now I increasingly care less about what she does or who she is with
But, for a moment let's open a window and let some reality shine on your exes relationship. A 62 year old man with a 23 year old girl screams dysfunction on both sides and even if he was't BPD, the chances of it being successful are extremely low.
"So, I sit here, in worse shape than ever! I try to focus on the good but can’t seem to get out of this hole. I know a new man will not fix any of the bad areas of my life and I owe it to someone else to heal myself first but I feel I need a distraction soon. Someone new that makes life a little more fun. He doesn’t have to last forever, he doesn’t have to be perfect. I just want to find some renewed faith in men. In people! I just want to move forward and can’t. I start questioning everything about my self. Am I the only one that sees or cares about the dysfunction? Is this whole thing just my issue? Have I been wrong all along? Am I the dysfunctional one?"I think this is particularly difficult when you're partner is high functioning and professionally successful.
I found it very hard to watch my ex sail off into the distance seemingly happy and successful and oblivious to all the hurt and damage that I'd experienced. And like some other members here I ended up asking myself the same question. Was I the dysfunctional one?
Before we broke up we went to counselling (at my instigation). It failed and at the end our T saw us both separately. Our T's final words to me were "I think you need to work out why you stayed in this relationship so long?"
I was angry as hell at the time and the last thing that I wanted to do was to look at myself, but it stuck in my mind and after some time and considerable resistance on my part I found a T and started to work on myself.
This helped to reassure me that I'm not disordered and it wasn't all my fault, but I also came to understand that I played a part in what happened. This doesn't mean condoning, excusing my exes behaviour, but it's really helped me to detach and move forward.
Right now you're still grieving your loss and it's very easy to just remember the good times, but I think your friends and family are right. Unless your ex gets treatment he'll end up repeating the behaviour and though he might seem very happy from the outside you have intimate experienced the darkness and hurt that living with him entails.
Remember it. Make a list and try to accept that it won't magically disappear just because he's in a new relationship. It requires longterm committed effort on his part and it doesn't sound like he's willing to do that work.
Things will get better
Thanks for sharing your story and keep posting.
Reforming
