Kick in the Head

[ENY BOY]

First, let me thank the BPD family and its members for giving me the opportunity to tell my story. I needed an outlet.
First met my BPD about 10 years ago via a dating site. I was 56, she was 45. I was lonely although I had a ton of friends and an active life. She was extremely attractive and intelligent and lived in a different state. (She is a psychotherapist.) We began to talk/facetime almost daily for about 2 months, and I developed feelings before we even met.
Our first face to face meeting was when she came to visit me in my city. I picked her up at the airport and proceeded to have the best weekend of my life. Literally. Won't go into all the details. When it was time for her to go home, I drove her to the airport, kissed goodbye. She appeared happy. I was hooked.
I called her up about 30 minutes after her plane landed. She was cold and tells me I have my own psychosis to deal with. Was this the same person? What just happened? Beating myself up over what I did wrong between the plane leaving and the plane landing. I was heartbroken and figured I would never see or talk to her again. A person who was more "normal" and without an extreme case of codependence like me would not want to, obviously.
Anyway, she called me 5 days later. It is back on-yay. I will not bore you with all the nitty gritty. At that point, I never heard of BPD and only met her one time in person and that one time was magical (to me).
Eventually, my BPD moved to my city (where she also used to live) and then eventually moved in with me. And moved out. And moved back in. And moved out. And in. And out. You get the point. And I am not embellishing it. Without going into all the crazy things she did, it is sufficient to say we broke up, made up about 10 times, maybe more. Crazy, I know. (All the while, I was a willing participant of course. Bigtime codependent.)  All my friends told me she was crazy. She did and said crazy things.  Her interpretation of things was off the wall nuts. My children did not like her. She had few woman friends.  But she did have contact with people she had slept with. When she was regulated, she had a charming personality. 
I had about 5000 red flags, but I loved her. Trauma bond to the max. I realize now that it was never reciprocal. (I guess I always knew that.) These days I am an "expert" on BPD and understand their emotional capabilities. Mind you, she had all 9 of the criteria from the DSM-5. When I once told her I thought she had BPD, she shot me down and told me she had complex PTSD, not BPD. I am pretty sure she suffers from both.
I could spend 25 days and write six novels detailing all the crazy BPD things she did, but at this point it is not relevant. I was so caught up in satisfying her needs and wants, but she was never satisfied. Over the years, when we were not apart, I gave her about $45,000 in outright cash gifts, paid rent for her at times (expensive rent mind you--I am not talking about a mobile home park in a small town-I am talking about big city rent. (By the way, right before the final discard, I mentioned a particular gift of $25K. Probably shouldn't have. I guess I was trying to prove my "worth"-kind of pathetic on my part. She denied I ever gave her the $25K. As soon as I told her I have the cancelled checks, she immediately remembered it. Gaslighting, you think?
Now, up to this point, if I was reading this narrative, I would assume the person writing it was some major loser, which in ways I am. But, on paper, I work in the professions, have 2 successful children (including a military son), many close friends and on the good-looking side, I like to think. At least I was back in day—I am an old man now. LOL. (Just for background purposes, my BPD has never married, never had children and had few friends. I am not passing judgment on people who never married and never had children. But she had many opportunities. Like I said, she is very attractive and very smart.)
Let me state right here, it takes 2 to tango. I was a willing participant in this toxic, crazy dance. I am not trying to absolve myself of responsibility. I have my own issues, obviously. But I always tried to be as nice as I could and was obviously generous to a fault.
My BPD wanted to get married--I think she was embarrassed that she never was. I didn't want to, but I understood (I thought) how she felt like a marked woman (in her mind) for never marrying and I wanted to alleviate that for her. Did I have other motives? I don't think I did other than my codependency, but who knows what goes on in the deep recesses of our subconscious mind. I bought her a $30,000 engagement ring and gave her other expensive jewelry. After one break up or the other, she immediately sold the jewelry--even the engagement ring. Everything. We got back one last time after the sale of the engagement ring after 2-years of no contact. Take a guess what she asked me for? Yep, another engagement ring!!!!! I am a total schmuck, that cannot be argued, but even that was a river too far for me.
It's funny, we were together on or off for 11 years or so, but all the major things that happened in my life, like the death of my mother, loss of a job, loss of my father-in-law (who I loved like a father, since mine was not around) and other important things. She always seemed to leave when I had serious issues going on.
I am going to skip over a lot of things here and get to the meat of what prompted me to make a post here.
After I got into a potentially serious legal matter and was fired from my job in 2019, she left -when I needed her most. I blocked her and eventually moved to a different state where my kids were. She was on dating sites the next day—I kid you not.
Anyway, after over 2 years, I unblocked her. She contacted me. (I never stopped loving her, never stopped thinking about her.) I eventually see her. I am back over the moon. I had a contract on my condo and in my old city but cancelled it. I was moving back to be with my BPD. Yay.
The marriage is back on. I moved back on 12/15/2022. I could tell things were not going well In January/February of 2023, but I loved her-would do anything to make this work. She said and did things that I knew were not cool, like smiling at a guy who smiled at her right in front of me. When I mentioned the marriage, she asked me about the financial arrangements. I am stupid, but not so stupid. At this point, she was making more money than me, which is not what she signed up for. (In fact, when we broke up in 2020, she told my sister she would be married to a rich doctor within the year. Her priorities were clear, and I no longer fit her criteria.)
OK. Here is what happened. At the end of March 2023, she does not want to lie down in bed with says—says she feels uncomfortable. You do not have to be Sherlock Holmes to figure that out—she was sleeping with someone else. My beautiful BPD had betrayed me. I go out to clear my head and I get a call or text-- I don’t even remember now. She tells me she is going back to her home state. I doubt she ever left the city we were living in. The only explanation was that she didn’t “feel comfortable”. That was my closure. Never spoke to her again. She had movers pick up all her stuff. FYI, I threw out my own furniture to make room for hers. She called the movers while they were at my apartment to make sure they took a certain rug of hers, which I needed myself. I just let them take it. Whatever.
Mind you, during this 3 ½ month period, I bought furniture she requested, built a door to separate our respective cats, spent countless hours doing legal/tax work for her, etc., etc. You get the point.
Ok, now the kicker. I have seen her 2 times in the past 3 weeks and people in my building have seen her. I passed her both times, 2 feet away. We both didn’t say anything to each other. She moved to my block!!!  I assume that while she lived with me, she met her next target near my apartment and moved in with him after having her own place for a year.
Anyway, ain’t that a kick in the head..

[ThanksForPlaying]

Man ... thanks for taking the time to tell your story.  It's very relatable for me.

15 years ago I was married for the first and only time to a woman who disappeared one day.  Moved out while I was at work and never came back.  Of course she took the $100k engagement ring.  Our marriage counselor handed me a book on BPD - a little too late I guess, but it was my first introduction to the phenomenon.  That's actually probably the easiest BPD relationship I've ever had ... she disappeared and never recycled.

I'm currently (maybe) in a relationship with an extremely attractive and intelligent professional woman - younger than me.  We moved very slowly.  Didn't kiss on our first date 6 months ago.  She flaked on our second date.  Flaked on our third date.  I assumed it was over.  Stopped chasing her.  Then she told me she assumed I was secretly married because I was taking so long to respond to her messages.  We finally went on another date and everything started progressing quicker - with no flakiness.  I forgot about the initial flake-outs. Two weeks ago we had one of those 'fairytale' weekends.  Just did fun things all weekend, talked, laughed, slept together, and did it all again for a couple days.  Several times she said it was the best weekend ever.  I was happy too.  Fast forward one weekend to a (literally) dark and stormy day.  I sensed something was wrong and called her on the phone.  She was upset with our relationship and said she'd even complained to her friend DURING the fairytale weekend that I was acting negative and she was not having fun.  Just a complete rewriting of what actually happened.

I can relate to other aspects of your story - I give her too much cash, support her too much.  Reckless spending is another BPD criteria as you know.  But there's also a whole economy these days where hot girls get money from successful guys.  If I'm not doing it, she'll find someone who will.  I'm aware of that, and I'm not ruining myself financially, but it would certainly be nice to date someone who doesn't need financial help.  I'm successful and attractive enough - women are attracted to me - but I'm well aware that I tend to be attracted to BPD.

She ghosted on that dark and stormy day.  Didn't respond to messages.  I didn't bother to call her back.  Again I thought that might be the end of the relationship.  She messaged me the next day saying "I'm feeling better today."  I thought that was vague but insightful.  She didn't describe what she meant - but maybe she was slightly aware that her own feelings the previous day had caused the turmoil?

She's back for the most part, although I sense something is off.  She's stopped using any heart emojis and her messages are more subdued.  Possibly she's bounced back to a previous boyfriend.  Who knows.  I'll see her tomorrow, although I doubt I'll get any real answers.  I'm trying to proceed cautiously.  I'll keep you posted.

As for the shocking plot twist at the end of your post - just amazing.  Do we even know if she's living with someone?  She's not just stalking you, is she?  Just incredible.  Your explanation certainly makes sense.  BPD is wild.

[ENY BOY]

Thanks for the reply TFP (short for Thanks for Playing). I am sorry for your past experiences. I hope your current situation resolves itself favorably.  That being said, assuming she is pw/BPD, I would tread carefully. Sorry for the unsolicited advice. I only make that statement because relationships with borderlines almost never work out.

If you have not read or listened to AJ Mahari (she is big on YouTube, you may want to give it a shot. I think she is excellent.

I would never go near a pw/BPD again. Even if they do not mean to be cruel, they are. My favorite saying is that "actions are the only things that never lie" or something like that.

No, I am not being stalked. I saw her with a guy at 6:30 in the morning. She isn't the stalking type. Like most pw/BPD, she moved on to her next target. Before she was done with me. I wasn't the first of her targets, and I am sure I will not be the last. That is just her MO. You know what they say, pw/BPD are emotional vampires.

I was fine, more or less, until I started seeing her. It is like the no contact was broken without me being involved.

Since my divorce 20+ years ago, I have only dated attractive to extremely attractive women. I guess I am so insecure deep down that having a really attractive woman boosts my ego. But whatever the reason, there is usually a price to pay. With the pw/BPD, there was a huge price--I am talking emotionally. The money is beside the point.

My BPD has zero contact with her father and half siblings and a cold relationship with her narcissistic mother. Those are all red flags. She was institutionalized twice in her teens (if what she said was true--I assume it was) and was involved in some activities
in her early 20s that some pretty girls with no family support get involved with. All crazy stuff. My dear departed mother would not have approved.

Anyway, I have been dealing with this this sudden discard for over a year, trying to heal from it. I mean, in my sick codependent mind, I deeply loved her. Now she lives on my block!!!!!! Can't make this stuff up.

Thanks for your support and response. It really means a lot to me. I wish you the best and hope things work out well for you.

Write back if you want.

[ThanksForPlaying]

I guess now you have a front-row seat to whatever happens with this current relationship.  You KNOW it won't end happily.  Zero chance.  Possibly you'll even be dragged into some kind of triangulation, right?

There's certainly some level of dysfunction that comes with being an incredibly charismatic and attractive person.  The rules are just different.  It's hard to say whether BPD/PD behaviors are developed BECAUSE the rules are different, or if the attractiveness allows the behaviors themselves to go unchecked.  But certainly there seems to be some correlation between BPD and highly image-focused careers and people.  Whether that's celebrities, actors, models, strippers, Instagrammers, etc.

When I say the "rules are different", I'm talking about some of the things you've described.  Being able to assume that finding another successful partner is always just around the corner (it truly is easy for some BPDs).  Assuming money is never an issue because there's always someone who will pay any bills you have.  Assuming intimacy is always available, because it's never difficult to find a sex partner on short notice.  Never having to take 'no' for an answer when you want to go on a trip, or need to pay rent, or want a spa day - because someone is always waiting as the next in line to pay for it.

The term "sick codependent mind" is accurate.  Gives some weight to our own deficiencies in allowing ourselves to be so connected to pwBPD.  There's definitely some ego involved too.  Not intentionally, but when I got divorced 13 years ago, I was selective in who I dated.  I chose the most attractive women I could find.  Even though none of them ever met my ex - it was probably just an ego boost to prove to myself that I could be attractive to attractive women.  What I always HOPED to find was an attractive, stable, successful, non-BPD.  It's amazing how many of the women I initially choose display red flags almost immediately (or have red flags in their personal history).  I'm not talking about thousands of women, but maybe one a year in my 13 years of being single.  And almost all of them have some sort of PD traits.  When I say it like that, it sounds like my people-picker is the problem.

I'm glad you were able to deal with the most recent discard (until this latest development).  I kind of feel like you're probably stuck with this for the long haul.  I feel like after years of 'practice', pwBPD really get good at 'choosing' their partners so the ones who have been selected provide years and years of fuel for the drama.  In my experience, pwBPD in their 20s are more likely to paint someone black and disappear forever - and the 'non' is able to move on easier, because they may not even have any codependency issues.  The pwBPD is just selecting people at random and leaving a trail of broken hearts.  But I feel like what they really WANT is the drama, and they become skilled at finding people who are willing to participate in the back-and-forth (which happens to be me).

I like to think I'm learning and getting better at seeing the signs, and not getting so crushed.  But on the other hand, that means I'm really just learning how to NOT love anyone fully, so my heart can't be broken.  I would like to someday fall in love with someone who loves me back in the same way.  But if that doesn't happen for me, I'm ok with it.  I'm not intending this to be a woe-is-me post.  I actually have enjoyable times and enjoyable dates with attractive BPD-ish women.  It's not ALL bad.  But certainly room for improvement.  (And currently getting my heart crushed a little more than I had intended)

[jaded7]

When I once told her I thought she had BPD, she shot me down and told me she had complex PTSD, not BPD. I am pretty sure she suffers from both.

I guess I was trying to prove my "worth"-kind of pathetic on my part. She denied I ever gave her the $25K.
As soon as I told her I have the cancelled checks, she immediately remembered it. Gaslighting, you think?

Now, up to this point, if I was reading this narrative, I would assume the person writing it was some major loser, which in ways I am. But, on paper, I work in the professions, have 2 successful children (including a military son), many close friends and on the good-looking side, I like to think.

Let me state right here, it takes 2 to tango. I was a willing participant in this toxic, crazy dance. I am not trying to absolve myself of responsibility. I have my own issues, obviously. But I always tried to be as nice as I could and was obviously generous to a fault.

She always seemed to leave when I had serious issues going on.
 

I just picked a few things from this wild story that seem to be part and parcel of these relationships.

You told her you thought she had BPD, and she responds that she has cPTSD. I've done a lot of reading, and a lot of videos from actual experts, and as far as I can tell they are one and the same, with perhaps different etiology. But I know that I've read from Ph.D. psychologists that many times they diagnose people with cPTSD instead of BPD because of all the stigma associated with BPD, and the refusal of many to accept a BPD diagnosis. My own ex made a big show out of letting me know, early on in our relationship, that her ex husband was a violent, narcissistic abuser and that is caused her to have cPTSD. It was only after we ended that I discovered in my compulsive reading that they are the same, according to many experts. Plus...my ex made me read many many texts and emails from her ex- part of the overboard emotional support I did for her- and not once did I ever detect that he was an abusive person....no anger, no name calling, no lying. Yes, of course he could have been 'nice' in these communications in case they were shown in court. But I know for a fact that my ex lied to him and manipulated him and denied his mother (who lived less than a mile from my ex) access to her grandchild. I also know that my ex told their son to lie to his father and told her son that his father was a 'bad person'. I also know the that my ex yelled at me often, pointed her finger in my face in anger, ghosted me, lied to me many times, belittled me, called me names, mocked me, put me down, exploded in anger at things that just caught me totally off guard, yelled at me during sex, mocked my business and my friends, etc. etc. So....her ex was a violent narcissistic abuser?? Or she was BPD..

Didn't remember the $25,000. Kinda hard to forget that, don't you think? Then you pull out the evidence, and suddenly she remembers. This kind of thing was absolutely standard in my relationship. I never gave her that much money though! But she would say things happened, accuse me of things, I'd prove them wrong and off we go to the next thing I did wrong without any apology for the first accusation or even acknowledgment she was wrong. It was as if she was just throwing things against the wall, and it if didn't stick she'd move on.

You aren't a loser! You have issues with love and attachment! Most of us here do! Look within and look at your upbringing, your family of origin. I have come to see that my upbringing created the operating system in me that caused me so much confusion in this relationship. I wanted her love, I wanted to prove to her my love, I wanted to take care of her. She seemed so fragile and nervous, and I wanted to make her feel safe. That's not being a loser.

Finally, leaving when there are serious issues is another trait I've come across, again and again, in my reading and video watching. Early on in my relationship my ex cried and said to me "will you take care of me?". I of course said yes, not knowing where this was coming from. And.....I always failed at taking care of her. I failed at reading her mind and knowing what she wanted when she wouldn't ask or say. Heck, I would even ask her want she needed and wanted and she'd say she was fine and needed nothing, then I'd suggest things for her and she'd say no, then she would STILL get mad at me and block me on her phone "my friends know what to do without asking". I say all this because they want you to take care of them, but DO NO want to take care of you. Sickness....NO. Need a hug...NO "too needy". Offer to drive you to the airport..no. Mine even said "I don't want to have to take care of you in the hospital if you get sick!!!". But, I was expected to take care of her and know her needs without her even asking.

You and TFP have some really intense stories. My good friend, who has now been married 3 times and his last (and second) were diagnosed BPD, had been through the wringer and spent way more money than you two. And he's a good guy, good hearted. Extremely successful surgeon...and he's at a week long intensive attachment repair residential therapy clinic this week. Same issues with his upbringing.

[ENY BOY]

Thanks for the reply TFP. No, no chance of a happy ending, but I feel I am being mean by wishing pain on ex pw/BPD, even though she caused me untold grief.

Yes, pretty privilege is a real thing. Just happened upon an article this week on that subject.

I definitely relate trying to find a "normal" attractive woman--I definitely have my own issues to contend with. If I was more normal. a relationship never would have started with a pw/BPD.

[ENY BOY]

Hi Jaded. Thanks for your response. Yes, I too am a "quasi-expert" on BPD and CPTSD. They are very similar, but as you stated, often occur simultaneously.

You are so right--I never received a gift from my ex-pw/BPD, except maybe a turkey sandwich. It never bothered me because I had a lot more than her--I didn't want her spending her money. But in retrospect, sure, a shirt would have been nice.

I know where my issues with codependency come from. My father was emotionally ill --suffered from big-time depression and other stuff. All before they came up all these drugs they have now. So, I had a non-existent father who sometimes would be violent. Crazy house I grew up in--really crazy. And I grew up in the violent housing projects to make matters worse. My only saving grace was my dear mother. From 1-10, I give my childhood a 2.5 and my life a 4.5. My children brought my score up a bit.

My pw/BPD was a quiet borderline. Seldom raging. But sometimes. Again, she had all 9 of the criteria--all 9!!!!!!  That is hard to find...LOL.

Honestly, at the end of our relationship, I wasn't all that happy. I guessed I sensed she was drifting. Near the end I said to her, "I love you so much" and her response was "I know you love me". Is that a hint you think??? LOL.

But the most hurtful, shocking thing of all, that has caused me PTSD, is that when she left, she just left. No reason. She did the classic BPD split. Didn't see it coming--the sudden, or not so sudden, white to black. Crazy stuff. Painful. But I was healing. And now that I have seen her a couple of times with more to come, I am sure, all that healing has kind of dissipated and I am back to square one, or square two.

[jaded7]

Hi Jaded. Thanks for your response. Yes, I too am a "quasi-expert" on BPD and CPTSD. They are very similar, but as you stated, often occur simultaneously.

You are so right--I never received a gift from my ex-pw/BPD, except maybe a turkey sandwich. It never bothered me because I had a lot more than her--I didn't want her spending her money. But in retrospect, sure, a shirt would have been nice.

I know where my issues with codependency come from. My father was emotionally ill --suffered from big-time depression and other stuff. All before they came up all these drugs they have now. So, I had a non-existent father who sometimes would be violent. Crazy house I grew up in--really crazy. And I grew up in the violent housing projects to make matters worse. My only saving grace was my dear mother. From 1-10, I give my childhood a 2.5 and my life a 4.5. My children brought my score up a bit.

My pw/BPD was a quiet borderline. Seldom raging. But sometimes. Again, she had all 9 of the criteria--all 9!!!!!!  That is hard to find...LOL.

Honestly, at the end of our relationship, I wasn't all that happy. I guessed I sensed she was drifting. Near the end I said to her, "I love you so much" and her response was "I know you love me". Is that a hint you think??? LOL.

But the most hurtful, shocking thing of all, that has caused me PTSD, is that when she left, she just left. No reason. She did the classic BPD split. Didn't see it coming--the sudden, or not so sudden, white to black. Crazy stuff. Painful. But I was healing. And now that I have seen her a couple of times with more to come, I am sure, all that healing has kind of dissipated and I am back to square one, or square two.

Painful dynamics here. Omg. They were precisely the same. I can't remember how many times I used the word 'confusing' when talking to her.

Good for you for looking into your upbringing to bring some understanding. It has been beneficial to me as well. As I said, I call this our 'operating system' upon which the rest of the programs depend. It's invisible, most of the time, but profoundly influential.

Lack of reciprocity, lack of accountability, failure to apologize or even acknowledge what happened- yelling at me, putting me down, name calling, pointing finger in face, violently pulling off a remote mountain highway and threatening to 'make' me walk. Ugh.

I would say to her 'honey, it's confusing when you don't return calls or texts for days or even a week'. Or 'honey it's confusing when you accuse me of and yell at me for things you actually do'. Confusing.

You're still in the relationship?

[ENY BOY]

Hey. Thanks for the response. Sorry for your issues. Not easy with these crazy emotional vampires.

No, she walked out over one year ago--no explanations...no closure. But mine was a quiet BPD--not much screaming. Unfortunately, she seems to have moved to my block...with a guy who I assume she met while she was with me. Crazy stuff and it gets crazier.

All the best.

[jaded7]

Hey. Thanks for the response. Sorry for your issues. Not easy with these crazy emotional vampires.

No, she walked out over one year ago--no explanations...no closure. But mine was a quiet BPD--not much screaming. Unfortunately, she seems to have moved to my block...with a guy who I assume she met while she was with me. Crazy stuff and it gets crazier.

All the best.

Oh right, I do think you said that. I get confused sometimes. That has to be painful. You are doing the work! As we all are. It's always good to have people who understand the difficulties of these relationships.