My ex w/BPD just filed a motion for custody.

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

Continuing from my last post “What do I do?…”

My ex responded to my proposal by filing a motion for her sole legal custody, her primary physical custody, supervised visitations for me, child support, attorney’s fees/costs, and tax deductions only for her.

I’m not sure what details I need to/should go into. All her claims are based on my alleged physical, verbal, and emotional abuse against her and the PO. She’s even claiming that negations were impossible because of my behavior, so a court order is necessary.

We are going to file a response this week. I have started to prepare my response. My plan is to focus on refuting her claims with facts and documentation. I also want to make the suggests that livednlearned made it my last post (parenting classes and MMPI).

Is my response when I want to mention her patterns of behavior?

Harassing- Always being accused of infidelity (text messages), Calls at work that would disrupt communication with the Emergency Department (Statements from co-workers, phone logs).

Dominating/Controlling- When she wasn’t satisfied after an argument she wouldn’t allow me to leave the house for work (Video), I wasn’t allowed to speak to family about our relationship, I didn’t have control over my social media, emails, or phone privacy.

Threatening- She made threats throughout our time together that she could take the baby and I’d never see him (exactly what her mom did to her dad). Made threats that her family knows the Cartel. Told me that if I didn’t propose on Christmas that she would move and I’d never see my son. (Audio recordings)

Thoughts, suggestions, advice, anything on how to lay everything out, is this good? Will this all be just during a hearing/evaluation? Who do I tell? What’s coming next?

I fear that because I was unaware that the trials will be 5 hours round trip for my current attorney that I am going to have to look for a new one…perhaps I’ll post about this in another topic.

Seriously any advice on how to respond to her motion or my lawyer situation. I’m willing to give any more details if asked.

[Priority1]

Continuing from my last post “What do I do?…”

My ex responded to my proposal by filing a motion for her sole legal custody, her primary physical custody, supervised visitations for me, child support, attorney’s fees/costs, and tax deductions only for her.

I’m not sure what details I need to/should go into. All her claims are based on my alleged physical, verbal, and emotional abuse against her and the PO. She’s even claiming that negations were impossible because of my behavior, so a court order is necessary.

We are going to file a response this week. I have started to prepare my response. My plan is to focus on refuting her claims with facts and documentation. I also want to make the suggests that livednlearned made it my last post (parenting classes and MMPI).

Is my response when I want to mention her patterns of behavior?

Harassing- Always being accused of infidelity (text messages), Calls at work that would disrupt communication with the Emergency Department (Statements from co-workers, phone logs).

Dominating/Controlling- When she wasn’t satisfied after an argument she wouldn’t allow me to leave the house for work (Video), I wasn’t allowed to speak to family about our relationship, I didn’t have control over my social media, emails, or phone privacy.

Threatening- She made threats throughout our time together that she could take the baby and I’d never see him (exactly what her mom did to her dad). Made threats that her family knows the Cartel. Told me that if I didn’t propose on Christmas that she would move and I’d never see my son. (Audio recordings)

Thoughts, suggestions, advice, anything on how to lay everything out, is this good? Will this all be just during a hearing/evaluation? Who do I tell? What’s coming next?

I fear that because I was unaware that the trials will be 5 hours round trip for my current attorney that I am going to have to look for a new one…perhaps I’ll post about this in another topic.

Seriously any advice on how to respond to her motion or my lawyer situation. I’m willing to give any more details if asked.

[livednlearned]

I know this is tough. Fridays and weekends used to fill me with dread because I couldn't contact my attorney. Since my ex was an attorney himself, I figured there was some intent to do things that way.

It sounds like your ex took a page from that same playbook 

To be candid, it's good that the stonewalling around mediation is out of the way. Mediation wastes money for a lot of people here.

The first hearing might be procedural but each county does it differently.

Do you have much left on your retainer with the current attorney?

Is the county where your ex lives in the same state? (assuming you're in the US)

When it comes to proposing things and when to say what, some of that is the art of negotiation. Some of it will be what court procedures are in place. My first time in court was kind of checking a box. The lawyers stood up and said a few bad things about both of us, the judge said yeah, next. We were ordered to attempt mediation.

One thing I encourage you to do regardless of which attorney you get. Tell your attorney to offer to write up the orders. The way it works is that you go to court and then the judge says, "Priority1 gets this, ex gets that." There this is a bit of a lawyer courtesy back and forth about who will write up what the judge ordered. It will cost you money, but if it's your lawyer, you get to see the draft.

I used that opportunity to look for loopholes. You can't pull things out of thin air but you can talk to your lawyer about what ifs. Once the order is written, the lawyers go back to court to have the order filed. You don't have to be there for those kinds of court things but I always went. The lawyers and the judge have a chit chat to remind the judge what was said, and then the judges says, "This order is what I said."

I'm not a lawyer and family law court is different depending on where you live, but that small thing helped me save some trips to court and some money. It's how I learned to add deadlines and consequences for non-compliance. Not consequences in terms of punishment -- consequences in terms of "If ex does not select this by then, Priority1 may choose."

What has your current lawyer proposed you do with the videos and audio recordings? I'm guessing he or she was waiting to see what happened with mediation.

[ForeverDad]

The existence of the RO is a complication.  Sure, "the judge looked me in the eyes and told me it would have nothing to do with me seeing my son, so I agreed".  Was that assurance recorded in the hearing?  Was it "on the record"?

Perhaps he was technically correct but these judge are allowed "discretion" in their decisions.  And an RO making one parent look bad could influence a decision.  Once it is over and past, it should fast away as moot.

I did have an RO against me but my lawyer made sure it was a type that could not be extended.  He was proud that it had a definite end date.

While likely it had to do with ex seeking distance from you, it also was intended to cast you as nearly a perp.  Strange thing about courts is that she has no basis to calling you're not a good father nor that you're a danger to your baby.  One impression I got when I was in my domestic relations court was that my relationship with my spouse had little to do with my relationship with my preschooler.  Spousal conflict ought to have little bearing on parenting.  (When we separated my ex was facing Threat of DV charge in one court (an adult matter) but over in domestic court she was gifted the usual temp order, mother got custody and majority parenting time.)

Don't be intimidated by her intimidating arrogance.  On the other hand, be prepared if you need to adjust your stance.

Be aware that courts assign little time for each case.  Mine were often expected to be only a half hour.  That's not much time to list all your documentation.  Focus on the important aspects.  Select from the incidents you have dates, locations, and other details.  Having available specifics make a difference.

Frankly, you are a new father.  There is no prior record of your parenting this baby.  What basis would there be to demand supervised visits?

About seeking evaluations...

Your task is to ensure you're eventually perceived as the parent who is not creating conflict, but rather the parent seeking practical solutions.

My court did order initial psych evals.  Mine was that I had anxiety. Hers, well, even now nearly two decades later I still don't even know whether she complied.  She got my results but I never got hers.  This is often where I rant that if you're both ordered to submit something then tell your lawyer to hold onto your information and simply notify the other lawyer that you're ready to exchange the results.  Doing that is Leverage but discussing that is for other posts.

Understand that psych evals are just overviews.  And they don't dig into each parent's parenting ability.  Later, often after a divorce/custody case is started, there is an in-depth Custody Evaluation.  You want to take great care that an excellent CE is selected, one both your lawyer and the court trusts.  A lot hangs in the balance.  You don't need just anyone who will take a year and $$$ to write a book.  My CE was an experienced child psychologist my court trusted implicitly and the initial report was less than a dozen pages but spot on. (And even he didn't offer a diagnosis.  He dealt more with "what is" and not so much "why".)

[Priority1]

livednlearned,

Yes, they do like to do things just before the weekend. When I find out something new, I always am overwhelmed with feelings but, I usually return to normal after a few days...This weekend's trip definitely helped to minimize the time.

I think that I will hear from my lawyer tomorrow or early this week. I didn't think mediation would work, but I was still hopeful. I have also been expecting to go to court, but I didn't know it would come this quickly. I am glad that it is moving forward though.

I have 4k on my retainer with my current attorney and the county where my ex lives is in the same state where the trial would be. I don't think my lawyer has looked at the video or any of the evidence that I've sent him (I was upset about this at first, but I do understand this better now because I believe he was trying to work things out through mediation and save me money). I was thinking if it would be good to keep him on because I know that once the RO expires in September, she will try to get it extended. I also think that I am going to need him to file a response to the motion. I'll have that discussion with him when we speak next.

Again thanks for your advice!

[Priority1]

ForeverDad,

It made the whole thing 100X more complicated. The reassurance from the judge would be on record. I am looking into obtaining a transcript because not only did he assure me, but she was making so many other allegations, other than what the order was about, that the judge had to refocus her and ask her to focus on the issues we were there for.
Also during the hearing, everyone was in an understanding that there would be no interference with me seeing my son. Of course, my ex was playing the "of course I'm going to let him see his son" card. Both parties agreed to add our parents to the RO so we could communicate to arrange exchanges. Later, we had all been in agreement that I could come to the hospital with my parents to see my son. Security, nurses, doctors, everyone knew the situation. We had a private room where we could be seen and far enough away to respect the RO. Unfortunately, when the time came for me to see my son, my ex changed her mind and only allowed my parent to see him.
The RO expires in September. The judge also said that it would be a temporary measure to see how things went. I'm hopeful that there is going to be some kind of communication between the courts (same county). If not then at least maybe I can submit the transcript..?
So from what I understand...I can ask for both of us to have a psych evaluation (MMPI) and then later during the trial, that's when there will be a Custody Evaluator assigned.