All That's Left is the Anger and Bitterness

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I think the title sums is up. When I think of her, how she left, etc., I'm angry and bitter. I have to be honest. I am also disappointed in myself that I did not speak up and put her on the spot when she was leaving. Deep down I was worried she was leaving me, but I wanted to give her the benefit of the doubt when she said "I'll be back," while laying on top of me, kissing me in my bed.

In a few months it will be 2 years. I am still upset about it. I sleep better now, but I am cynical about relationships in general. Now I feel like I have baggage, whereas I did not feel this way before. I am damaged and angry. It does not help that I am going through some health problems lately. They get me down, and I'm reminded that I am now alone and don't have anybody to lean on. I am not high maintenance at all, but emotional support and just "having somebody" is greatly missed.

[crushedagain]

I think the title sums is up. When I think of her, how she left, etc., I'm angry and bitter. I have to be honest. I am also disappointed in myself that I did not speak up and put her on the spot when she was leaving. Deep down I was worried she was leaving me, but I wanted to give her the benefit of the doubt when she said "I'll be back," while laying on top of me, kissing me in my bed.

In a few months it will be 2 years. I am still upset about it. I sleep better now, but I am cynical about relationships in general. Now I feel like I have baggage, whereas I did not feel this way before. I am damaged and angry. It does not help that I am going through some health problems lately. They get me down, and I'm reminded that I am now alone and don't have anybody to lean on. I am not high maintenance at all, but emotional support and just "having somebody" is greatly missed.

[JNChell]

crushed, it’s easy to let these experiences leave us with a bad taste in our mouths. Can I clue you in on something? You’re still grieving and that’s ok. What’s important is to not get stuck. Don’t let anyone of the stages of grief subdue you. Keep reading and learning. The information doesn’t always sink in at first, but keep at it. It takes effort to work through this stuff.

Anger is an important part of processing and recovery. Don’t get stuck there.

[JerichoJax]

I cycle through many different emotions including Anger and Bitterness.  It was 8 years of push/pull.   Two breakups of 9 and 15 months.  I made the mistake of marrying him because he said if we didn't it had to end because he didn't feel secure.  It was always him that ended things and walked away including January of this year.  With each ending there is never a real reason instead it was an untrue narrative and projecting based upon things he was doing however it was me.  I moved to another state and sold my house because it was what he wanted.  Due to the marriage and his bad credit he was on my credit cards ... I have a huge six figure debt I ended up with due to his career misadventures and reckless spending.  I am renting now for the first time in over 2 decades because of the debt.  Every time I see that debt and think of the years it is going to pay it back I get angry all over again.  What makes it worse is he pretended he would help out and kept it up until I moved back home ... he had moved back right after he ended things.  He also told me he wanted to be friends and it might lead us back together.  Once I moved back first I got dismissiveness, friendship wasn't an option as he was to busy with his career though he talked about doing things with other friends and now am ghosted.  I also got jealousy when he saw me out on a couple of dates.   Last we talked I told him we needed to not have the drama and toxicity which was being caused by him ... that was turned into "I have to focus on my career and can't worry about dealing with drama from my ex I deeply care about".  I also got that the dogs are still his dogs though we got them together and he didn't want them when he left.  He has thanked me a couple of times for taking such great care of them.  One of the dogs first had a follicular tumor and now know she has degeneration in the hips.  He has told me how much he still loves them though he never cares how they are doing.

Who does this kind of thing to someone they loved and now still deeply cares about them?  I was told the day he left how important I was in his life and how he wanted me in it however time has shown that isn't true.  If he still deeply cares about me how can he just ghost?  If he still believes the dogs are his and cares about them like how can he not even really care how they are doing?

I know I am still grieving even 7 months after the relationship ended.  The breadcrumbs of still caring about me, etc. have left a door open that has prevented me from moving on.  The dismissiveness, ghosting and what is clearly not caring has told me he has moved on.  Basically just as the relationship was confusing the ending has been confusing as well.

What I have realized in therapy is it all doesn't matter.  I can't change the past and can only ensure my future is better with not making the same mistakes.  I am no longer stuck in the anger and bitterness and have moved to acceptance.  Once you get through grieving then you can truly move on.  

[JNChell]

JJ and myself, as well as many members here understand what you’re feeling and going through because we’ve been there. That’s why this community exists. You have to admit that that is a pretty cool thing. A safe place to talk about this stuff and be understood. The sifting pan on the Internet brought you here. Be grateful for that. You’ve found the best resource out there when dealing with a disordered/abusive person in your life, and the fallout of those situations.

Who does this kind of thing to someone they loved and now still deeply cares about them?

In BPD world, this can be an open ended question. If you’d like a solid answer and understanding, they’re emotionally underdeveloped and lack empathy. It can’t be taught or explained. It’s programmed into their brain. What we know as right and logical? They feel the same way about their thinking. It’s hard to wrap a head around that, but they don’t really see what they do as wrong...most of the time.

Who does this kind of thing to someone they loved and now still deeply cares about them?

Narcissists and Borderlines. There are other suspicions. Behavior is the main issue. Once we accept behavior, labels don’t matter anymore. I showed up suspecting that my ex is BPD. She might harbor some traits, but she’s a covert narcissist. Yes, that’s a label, but how much negative behavior are we willing to accept. It eventually affects our health and social life.

[crushedagain]

Thank you for the replies. I wanted to be honest about my feelings, despite the fact that nobody likes to admit to being angry and bitter. But I feel that way when I think about her and how I was taken advantage of and mistreated. She used me. She used my house, my life - everything - to her advantage. She basically used me up, then left.

Unlike others, I never got a phone call, text or email. Once it was no-contact, it was over, save for one email with no text which was just a cartoon joke she sent a couple months after the breakup. This woman "only wanted to be loved" but when I gave her the key to my heart and loved her with everything I had, it wasn't enough. Was I perfect? Of course not. I did get frustrated at times with her emotional outbursts. But I am human.

[JNChell]

Your feelings are pretty intense. Nothing wrong with that. I can remember the anger and still experience it at times. I share a child with my ex. I don’t have the option of completely leaving the situation.

I understand being used for resources. You’re right. It sucks and it isn’t fair. On another note, I have to assume that feeling the way that you do right now doesn’t feel very good. Would that be accurate?

Here’s a link for the stages of grief. Anger is one of them.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=138154.0

[crushedagain]

One thing I learned a long time ago when I went to talk to a counselor about a painful breakup that left me in a depression is that I take a long time to heal. This is why I am so loathe to start relationships, they always end in pain and I find myself back here again. The sadness is debilitating.

[Mutt]

I am cynical about relationships in general. Now I feel like I have baggage, whereas I did not feel this way before. I am damaged and angry. It does not help that I am going through some health problems lately.

I’m sorry to hear that you’re having health problems. Not feeling good mentally and physically can make us lose focus on healing and resurfaces unpleasant  moments in the past. What I mean is it hard to have a balanced perspective of both good and bad when your health isn’t 100%.

You’re going to have a difficult time finding someone that doesn’t baggage. Are you worried that there is a potential that you’re going to be judged? Not everyone is going to treat you like your ex, it’s natural  to feel hyper vigilant about future r/s’s but you have to view the next person as their own personality and not bring bad past experiences into a new r/s.

It’s going to be a different person with different r/s dynamics that are unique with that person.

[crushedagain]

You're right, Mutt, which is why I am not ready for a new relationship. I have to feel more positive and open. Right now I feel cynical and closed off. She did a number on my head.

Some of the dialogue in my own head breeds the resentment. I will think to myself "I bet she had somebody else lined up and moved right into a new relationship, like turning off a switch and turning a new one on." That's not really a healthy thought, because I'm speculating about things I have no idea about, and it also is a negative thought. But these thoughts still occur.