Are you supposed to miss your BPD when you finally split?

[Depression = 72% of members]

I have been married for over 30 years and separated for almost 1 1/2 years. I almost feel guilty but I have not "missed" her one single moment during that time. That by itself is kind of scary.

[Barnabus]

I have been married for over 30 years and separated for almost 1 1/2 years. I almost feel guilty but I have not "missed" her one single moment during that time. That by itself is kind of scary.

[once removed]

there could be a lot of explanations as to why you dont miss her. anything from it not fully hitting you, to compartmentalizing the split, to having partially grieved it already.

30 years is a long time. what happened in your marriage? are you divorced?

[Barnabus]

there could be a lot of explanations as to why you dont miss her. anything from it not fully hitting you, to compartmentalizing the split, to having partially grieved it already.

30 years is a long time. what happened in your marriage? are you divorced?

I am in the divorce process now. I think I spent so many years in a weird, kind of dysfunctional relationship that never had more than a "surface" level "love". I was never able to share anything problematic with her because she would immediately turn it around on me and make the problem my fault, or she would store it up to use against me later or both. When she walked out the first time, I was actually relieved and had a few days of peace. The same thing happened the next time, and she only wanted to come back if I wasn't there, so I left and after realizing more and more what I was dealing with, I never went back. Much more details than just that, but that's a brief summary.

[Mutt]

When she walked out the first time, I was actually relieved and had a few days of peace.

30 years is a long time, I bet that you have a lot of stories, it's completely understandable to not miss the drama. It's okay to want to have time to yourself to recharge your batteries.

[zachira]

Noticing you feel better and don't miss your spouse when you are not together for a long period of time can be an indication that you are mentally ready for divorce. This is so much easier than it is for many people who are so enmeshed emotionally with their spouse with BPD, that they go through a long period of grieving when the marriage ends, and take a long time recovering from the divorce.

[Lucky Jim]

after realizing more and more what I was dealing with, I never went back.

Hey Barnabus, I can relate.  Upon separating from my BPDxW after a 13-year marriage, I never seriously considered going back.  It was such a relief to be free from abuse and drama.  Plus, I was completely drained, with nothing left in the tank.  I missed my children terribly, but not her.  So, No, I don't find what you are saying about not missing her as "kind of scary."

LJ

[Barnabus]

LJ, did your relationship with the kids recover? If so, did it take very long? I'm assuming they were minor children. Mine are all adults.

[once removed]

I think I spent so many years in a weird, kind of dysfunctional relationship that never had more than a "surface" level "love".

i think its possible that on some level, in order to cope, you compartmentalized the relationship, and that would complicate grief or lack of it, now.

divorce has a huge impact on everyone involved, and 30 years is a significant portion of your life. have you considered seeing a therapist to help with the process?

[Lucky Jim]

LJ, did your relationship with the kids recover? If so, did it take very long? I'm assuming they were minor children. Mine are all adults.

Barnabus, They were minors, but are now adults (18 and 19).  No, our r/s hasn't fully recovered due to PAS (parental alienation syndrome), yet I remain optimistic that we will reconnect more as they get out from under the influence of my BPDxW.  In other words, it's a work-in-progress, and BPD casts a long shadow.  I like to think that I demonstrated change is possible in life and one need not continue in an abusive situation.

How about you?  How are your children handling the change?

LJ

[Barnabus]

I did some counseling about 3 months into the separation. Best part was being able to talk about things with an understanding person. Unfortunately, she never mentioned anything about BPD. I started learning about that on my own.

I think I need to go for more counseling after the divorce is final with someone who understands BPD and NPD - it appears that she has characteristics of both.

[Barnabus]

My kids are somewhat mixed. There has been some alienation, but it seems to be getting a little better. They (4, all over 30) are all against a divorce based on church teaching, and I don't think they believe emotional abuse is legit grounds for divorce. I have masked this for decades and only in the last 6-8 years have things begun to be seen by the kids. My kids and grandkids have been the most important thing to me since this all started.

When we separated, it was like a shock to most friends and family mainly because I never discussed our issues with hardly anybody. I regret my "make and keep peace at whatever cost" philosophy for decades. Long term, there is very definitely a real "cost", and I'm paying it now. My kids did grow up in a reasonably stable home, and I tried very hard to make it work.

I developed an excellent relationship with all my kids and grandkids so this is really hard on everybody. I pray this history will overcome whatever negative things they have chosen to believe.

[Lucky Jim]

I never discussed our issues with hardly anybody. I regret my "make and keep peace at whatever cost" philosophy for decades.

Hey Barnabus, Don't beat yourself up!  It's hard to talk about BPD with others because most people have no conception of what it's really like on the inside of a BPD r/s.  I pretended a lot in my marriage, creating a false impression that things were OK when they were definitely not OK.  Plus, when you live with an abusive person, it's natural to adopt a "keep the peace" approach to issues, as you note, so give yourself a break.

Change is hard, yet I suspect your kids and grandkids will respect you for standing in your truth, so-to-speak, by being authentic about an abusive situation.  Presumably your House of Worship has parishioners who have been through a divorce, notwithstanding church teaching.  Maybe you could discuss with your Pastor?

LJ

[GlennT]

In all the years I visited here, this thread got me because I was married for 31 years to a schizophrenic, for the last half of the time. It was hell, and when we finially divorced, I felt absolutely nothing. The BPD after that, was only for 2.6 years, and I permanently destroyed my sinuses from crying so bad everyday.

[Barnabus]

LJ, "keeping the peace" was something I felt I had to do to keep my family from falling apart. I kept the peace at any cost, including apologizing for things I didn't even do. I regret that now. I'm not sure whether the kids are better off as adults just learning that there were serious problems all along (I'm sure they knew at least a little along the way). I guess it's good to see that you put on your happy face and acted like things were good when they weren't. I've done that a  lot in my life.

GlennT, I was there for 39 years, now it's been 40. I'm sorry you went through what you did. I don't feel quite so heartless knowing others have lived through similar for decades ad felt the same way.

Thanks for the replies!

B