NC: Day 7 - Preliminary Protective Order

[uniquename]

I haven't posted in a little over a week due to the server crash and the crash of my life . When last we spoke, uBPDH broke into our house (legally - he's on the title) (we weren't there) and "joked" that he was destroying our belongings (TVs, furniture, etc.). Turns out haha he wasn't really and he left our house around 12:40am. So, yeah, we (16D and I) stayed at safe location.

- Pause to thank formflier and others who recommemded I prepare for this likelihood. Thank you! -

I tried to get am emergency protective order (2 day) and it was denied as he was not considered an immediate threat based on what I presented. She suggested I try for a preliminary order instead (2 week), which goes in front of a courtroom judge and can cover a longer period with a different standard. I asked my mom, who had used them before (I know, you're shocked right!), to ask the lawyer at our local abused women's shelter if she thought I could get a protective order. She found out no.

I went to therapy Friday. "Now you must cancel your credit cards." (I had just lowered the limit.) Ok. I went out for coffee with a woman I'd like to get to be a better friend Sarurday morning. I had agreed to contact pwBPD on Saturdays only. I sent a few separate BIFF emails (1 per topic) explaining Contact expectations, Couples therapy, Finances, Legal separation. He was emailing me and texting "I won't be ignored, Dan" type stuff so I figured out how to turn off text notifications for him alone. I went out to dinner with some family friends and my mom that Saturday night. I explained to my mom I understand I'm supposed to do stuff for myself to take my mind off it, but it seems pointless since the second I am done it all comes back. She assured me it's like sleep that it still helps keep you healthy.

I had a really good time at dinner and we went to the car and I checked my phone and pwBPD had sent me a suicide note text an hour prior. I panicked a bit and called various people to ask what to do. I didn't want to respond I was pretty sure but then I wouldn't know where he was to get him help. But it wasn't my responsibility to rescue him anymore. My NAMI Family-to-Family class instructor picked up and suggested I call the non-emergency number where he was staying with his dad and ask them to check on him there. I did that. As I was talking to them, pwBPD started FaceTime calling me. I didn't answer the first two times. The police asked if I was in contact and I explained what was going on - he was but I wasn't answering. They asked me to answer the next call and ask where he was. The suicide note text said he was going to take a bullet but on FaceTime he said he was in my driveway and he had drunk a bottle of vodka and was going to slit his throat but he wanted to see me in person first. I told him I wouldn't want that (or some such I really have little memory) and hung up. I called our local police and asked them to send Crisis Intervention Team trained officers to our house. Some of the other people I had called wondering what to do/trying to pawn him onto (his therapist, his best friend) contacted me back and said he was reaching out to them too. I got them in touch with the CIT officer on the scene. He wasn't at our house anymore. Our 16D was at a party and she texted asking what was the deal after she had just checked her phone, he was texting her. I said the police were involved and trying to locate him and she was fine to go back and enjoy her party. She did. After it was over, she started texting him back to find his location. Police were able to track his phone location to a city and she was able to tell them where he was there (in a convenience store bathroom). Our local CIT officer who was directing things at the end of our street stayed on the phone with us on mute for 40 minutes as we caught up on how the party was and they tried to find him. He was found unharmed after 5 hours of threatening to harm himself. We were both (and still are) pretty pissed at that. Two suixide threat ordeals now and not one bit of physical damage. Coward. Faker. Liar. (pwBPD).

I asked my sister for help compiling all the crap he's pulled and went to get a preliminary order on Monday. I sent a rough draft to my separation lawyer for her input (will this be successful?) and she said no. I decided to go to the local shelter office first and see if they could help. They did and I got it. It was one of the hardest things I've ever done - the whole process of reliving all of it for an affidavit and being alone in the courtroom at the front having to explain it to a judge. I got it and walked out of the courtroom and leaned against the wall outside the door wracked with sobs.

I talked to 16D who was at work and we decided to go home. I couldn't sleep very well there even knowing he was in a hospital over two hours away. (He had notified us both Sunday morning - "Sorry this is going to cause you pain but I'm being placed at a mental hospital very far away." (Oh, the pain!) "And can you help get my car and stuff?" Lol. No.)
I asked my mom to keep following up with authorities I had contacted about serving him the order. She did and found out he was released from the hospital without being served on Thursday. I had just left T and panicked. Texted my T who was inside with another client "he was released from the hospital". Of course no response. I calmed enough to call 16D and let her know and called authorities myself to verify next step. I called our local CIT officer who had been so great and filled him in. Went to a work happy hour and T texted "breathe". Later that night, he still hasn't been served and the CIT officer called me back. He would call pwBPD and tell him what's happening and text me when he was served. I went to sleep reading the explanation of "Acceptance" in "Stop Caretaking" book. I slept pretty well. I woke up and saw the text he had been served. I had survived.

It's now 7 days post-PPO and he's abided by no contact. (I also blocked him on my cell and Facebook but there's lots of ways he could have broken it but hasn't.) I feel better. I went to church (2nd time in 2 Sundays) and it was perfect again. I went to my Family-to-Family class Friday as usual and thanked the instructor for his help. I went to a second Codependents Anonympus meeting and shared most of this post. I came home and went to bed and woke up 90 minutes later. I took a Xanax and started here. So now you're all caught up.

[gotbushels]

He was emailing me and texting "I won't be ignored, Dan" type stuff so I figured out how to turn off text notifications for him alone. I went out to dinner with some family friends and my mom that Saturday night.

I think this deliberate choice was a good thing to keep you in a higher level of control of future situations.

I explained to my mom I understand I'm supposed to do stuff for myself to take my mind off it, but it seems pointless since the second I am done it all comes back. She assured me it's like sleep that it still helps keep you healthy.

Yes, it can seem pointless. I think I know what you mean. Something that might help you here is regulate yourself into wise mind, then sit down with a pen and paper to clear up your thinking. I've done that and I've found that things either stop bothering me or it becomes easier to deal with.


I do think you responded well regarding the suicide threat. Even though you panicked a bit, it's quite clear that you approached it with a sound mind. You took it seriously. You saw that it was a cry for help. You attended to the issue in an immediate fashion. You seemed to maintain a strong sense of boundaries whilst expressing sufficient care through actions of keeping the responsibility of his life with him, which is where I do think it belongs. You listened to what he expressed enough to inform the officers of the situation. You did not leave him alone as the threat seemed serious to you. He has obtained professional help without you having to urge him.

I'd like to hear other members' inputs on this. I think if you handled it successfully, you can perform the necessary repeats to get that successful outcome. I don't have experience with suicide threats as strong as yours although I have gone though a little. Cautiously, I think you did very, very well.

I'm glad that everything is working out so well for you. Well done keeping it all together and getting rest that night. I admire you. 

Thank you for sharing uniquename. It was quite wild, but while waiting others' inputs, I think you did so well.   

[uniquename]

Thanks. I'm not sure if my situation scares the other members or what but I don't seem to get a lot of feedback on some of my posts like this one :-)

I very much appreciate yours. I do feel I handled it well. You picked up that I'm worried how others not as familiar with the context would think of my actions though. I think if I had responded in the way he wanted, we would have gone through less drama that night, but we both need the detachment. And I was just going to write "so he can get the help he needs," but I know I can't be acting for that even if I feel it. I can't save him or fix him.

Something that might help you here is regulate yourself into wise mind, then sit down with a pen and paper to clear up your thinking. I've done that and I've found that things either stop bothering me or it becomes easier to deal with.

Can you elaborate on this or point me to a resource?

Thanks again.

[gotbushels]

Sure uniquename.

Elaborate.

Basically you're simply (1) writing down the issue that's troublesome, then (2) troubleshooting it. I think this is particularly useful for when things keep "coming back" to me--as you described in your situation of doing "stuff" to take your mind off.

Specifically to your situation uniquename, if you're getting stuck, or coming back to the same things, the benefit from writing things down is that you can see exactly where you are getting stuck. Then you can troubleshoot from there to unstuck yourself. Or--if you find it's an "ongoing" issue--at least satisfy yourself that you've done sufficient work so it no longer disturbs you.

A specific example might help. Suppose you identify a form of twisted thinking (link) or a sticky belief (link). Sometimes, the thing will stare you in the face and you can literally exorcise the thing right there on the paper.

The fastest way to do this, I'd consider, is as follows:

• get Chapter 3 of Burns (link below),
• use it to get familiar with the twisted thinking types,
• start writing what's disturbing you,
• troubleshoot.

Over time, you may not require the troubleshoot step.


Resources.

Primarily, Burns (Chapter 3; 2009 Harper Paperback; link). "For example, the simple exercise of writing down and challenging your own negative thoughts when you are under stress can be invaluable." (p. 490)

Writing in this way is consistent with Problem Analysis in Fruzzetti (p. 144; 2006; link)--but without a pwBPD. Writing is also applicable to ideas around forgiveness--probably relevant to your situation regarding separation. Please ask if you'd like the resource.


Of course, I encourage you to check with an appropriate T or P for professional advice. Please gently recall to vet your own resources.