My Intro (It's long)

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hello everyone. I just stumbled across this website while doing my Google research on support and stories of being married to a person with BPD and thought this would be a great place to get help or even just vent. To start, I am 32 years old and have 4 children with a 5th on the way. My wife and I have been married for over 8 years now. When I first met my wife, she had 2 boys from previous men. The first was with her ex-husband and the second was with her ex-fiancée. I was at a point in my life where I was tired of the dating game. I had been in many relationships and even had been 8 months removed from an engagement with a woman who was bi-polar. When I met my wife, I was actually looking to make some female friends as that was something I never really had in my life were friends of the opposite sex. Well, it took one outing for me to fall for my wife. She was amazing and sweet and really seemed to have just met the wrong kinds of guys. It felt like I was destined to meet this woman and her kids. The signs of her BPD were there from the very beginning though. A few days after meeting, we slept together. The following day, I was to go over to her parents house (where she was living at the time with her boys) to take her out to dinner. I took a shower after a long day of work and decided to lie down in bed with just my towel (you know that fresh out of the shower feeling lying in bed is the best sometimes) and accidentally fell asleep. This did not go over well. I woke up about 3 hours later than when I was supposed to be picking her up. I had 3 missed calls to which I tried to call back to no answer. I attempted to message her on MySpace (this was before Facebook ) and found I was removed from her friends list and blocked. I felt horrible. I immediately drove over to her house and pleaded with her in texts to please come out and talk to me (I am a hopeless romantic and I knew how bad the situation looked with me falling asleep). She agreed and things worked out great. A couple months later, we were engaged. I just knew, meeting this woman, she was the perfect fit for me.

New married life was not what I expected. From the very beginning, my wife has bouts of rage, anxiety, depression. She was seeing a therapist and had been for a long time before meeting me. She was also on depression medication. She would not sleep with me much at all during our first year of marriage and many times would threaten to leave me. I am military and she experienced her first TDYs (Temporary Deployments, typically 2 weeks in my job) during our first year. Everytime I was gone she would say she couldn't do this and she was going to take the kids and go back to her parents. It was a hard first year. I attributed a lot of it to being a new military spouse and still having trust/abandonment issues from her previous relationships. I thought I understood and tried to be ever patient with her. What I didn't realize at the time, was this was taking a serious toll on me from the very beginning. After a year of marriage, we moved from our apartment to a small house closer to my work. It was a great first house, although small, it fit us great and wasn't a huge drain financially. During that year, her anger and rage would continue. Many arguments she would throw things about my past at me. Telling me how I come from a trailer park family and they are all messed up and I am just like them. It would be the most minor things causing this. I also noticed something with me, I stopped attempting to sleep with my wife. Completely had no interest in sex at all. She wouldn't attempt with me (never initiates at all), but during that 2nd year, she started to say something about it. We would be intimate occasionally, but I almost had to force myself to do it.

She was very big into wanting a big family. She kept pushing the idea of having another child. She wanted to have "my baby" as it was a big deal to actually be married to a guy that was staying for the long haul. I kept putting it off for many reasons (being secure financially, making my next rank, etc.), the main reason though, was I didn't know if she would actually allow our marriage to last. Within 2 years, I could honestly say there were 10+ times she threatened to leave or actually attempted to leave for reasons I couldn't even begin to imagine. Like they were fears of hers that she would make real and act on. I actually went to her therapist appointments occasionally as she asked me to go. She wanted to make things better and sometimes, when she was completely calm, she would acknowledge something was wrong with how she interacts with people and wanted to get better. BPD was never mentioned. She was still diagnosed with severe anxiety and depression. That diagnosis still remains today.

About 6 years ago, my wife and my brother (who was staying with us at the time) went to our friends house for some drinks. Our friends were a individual I worked with and his wife. His wife and my wife were very close as friends. I decided I would stay home with the kids so she could get a break and my brother tagged along. The following morning, I was up at 7am and they still were gone. Finally, 30 min later, they arrived. My wife sat in her car for another 10 min and finally got out to talk to me. She kissed her friends husband (my coworker) and spoke about how "crappy" their marriages were in the privacy of his car while his wife was passed out. He came on to my wife and spoke negatively about me and how emotionally lacking I am. My wife took the bait and they kissed. Then she said she "came to her senses" and left. I reported the incident to my supervisor among others as he was not only my coworker, but my subordinate and I could not write him a performance report in all fairness after what he had done. My wife and him conspired to make it out to be a friendly kiss and nothing further happened to him. He left with a perfect rating and a medal against all that I reported... .She claimed it was because I never make her feel wanted and wouldn't sleep with her. I explained, it has been hard for the past 2 years due to her constant threats of leaving and all her verbal abuse. She wouldn't hear any of it. I was wrong and it was my fault she felt tempted to kiss my coworker. She did apologize and felt horrible later on about it. She said it wouldn't happen anymore and they all ceased communication.

[CastleofGlass]

Hello everyone. I just stumbled across this website while doing my Google research on support and stories of being married to a person with BPD and thought this would be a great place to get help or even just vent. To start, I am 32 years old and have 4 children with a 5th on the way. My wife and I have been married for over 8 years now. When I first met my wife, she had 2 boys from previous men. The first was with her ex-husband and the second was with her ex-fiancée. I was at a point in my life where I was tired of the dating game. I had been in many relationships and even had been 8 months removed from an engagement with a woman who was bi-polar. When I met my wife, I was actually looking to make some female friends as that was something I never really had in my life were friends of the opposite sex. Well, it took one outing for me to fall for my wife. She was amazing and sweet and really seemed to have just met the wrong kinds of guys. It felt like I was destined to meet this woman and her kids. The signs of her BPD were there from the very beginning though. A few days after meeting, we slept together. The following day, I was to go over to her parents house (where she was living at the time with her boys) to take her out to dinner. I took a shower after a long day of work and decided to lie down in bed with just my towel (you know that fresh out of the shower feeling lying in bed is the best sometimes) and accidentally fell asleep. This did not go over well. I woke up about 3 hours later than when I was supposed to be picking her up. I had 3 missed calls to which I tried to call back to no answer. I attempted to message her on MySpace (this was before Facebook ) and found I was removed from her friends list and blocked. I felt horrible. I immediately drove over to her house and pleaded with her in texts to please come out and talk to me (I am a hopeless romantic and I knew how bad the situation looked with me falling asleep). She agreed and things worked out great. A couple months later, we were engaged. I just knew, meeting this woman, she was the perfect fit for me.

New married life was not what I expected. From the very beginning, my wife has bouts of rage, anxiety, depression. She was seeing a therapist and had been for a long time before meeting me. She was also on depression medication. She would not sleep with me much at all during our first year of marriage and many times would threaten to leave me. I am military and she experienced her first TDYs (Temporary Deployments, typically 2 weeks in my job) during our first year. Everytime I was gone she would say she couldn't do this and she was going to take the kids and go back to her parents. It was a hard first year. I attributed a lot of it to being a new military spouse and still having trust/abandonment issues from her previous relationships. I thought I understood and tried to be ever patient with her. What I didn't realize at the time, was this was taking a serious toll on me from the very beginning. After a year of marriage, we moved from our apartment to a small house closer to my work. It was a great first house, although small, it fit us great and wasn't a huge drain financially. During that year, her anger and rage would continue. Many arguments she would throw things about my past at me. Telling me how I come from a trailer park family and they are all messed up and I am just like them. It would be the most minor things causing this. I also noticed something with me, I stopped attempting to sleep with my wife. Completely had no interest in sex at all. She wouldn't attempt with me (never initiates at all), but during that 2nd year, she started to say something about it. We would be intimate occasionally, but I almost had to force myself to do it.

She was very big into wanting a big family. She kept pushing the idea of having another child. She wanted to have "my baby" as it was a big deal to actually be married to a guy that was staying for the long haul. I kept putting it off for many reasons (being secure financially, making my next rank, etc.), the main reason though, was I didn't know if she would actually allow our marriage to last. Within 2 years, I could honestly say there were 10+ times she threatened to leave or actually attempted to leave for reasons I couldn't even begin to imagine. Like they were fears of hers that she would make real and act on. I actually went to her therapist appointments occasionally as she asked me to go. She wanted to make things better and sometimes, when she was completely calm, she would acknowledge something was wrong with how she interacts with people and wanted to get better. BPD was never mentioned. She was still diagnosed with severe anxiety and depression. That diagnosis still remains today.

About 6 years ago, my wife and my brother (who was staying with us at the time) went to our friends house for some drinks. Our friends were a individual I worked with and his wife. His wife and my wife were very close as friends. I decided I would stay home with the kids so she could get a break and my brother tagged along. The following morning, I was up at 7am and they still were gone. Finally, 30 min later, they arrived. My wife sat in her car for another 10 min and finally got out to talk to me. She kissed her friends husband (my coworker) and spoke about how "crappy" their marriages were in the privacy of his car while his wife was passed out. He came on to my wife and spoke negatively about me and how emotionally lacking I am. My wife took the bait and they kissed. Then she said she "came to her senses" and left. I reported the incident to my supervisor among others as he was not only my coworker, but my subordinate and I could not write him a performance report in all fairness after what he had done. My wife and him conspired to make it out to be a friendly kiss and nothing further happened to him. He left with a perfect rating and a medal against all that I reported... .She claimed it was because I never make her feel wanted and wouldn't sleep with her. I explained, it has been hard for the past 2 years due to her constant threats of leaving and all her verbal abuse. She wouldn't hear any of it. I was wrong and it was my fault she felt tempted to kiss my coworker. She did apologize and felt horrible later on about it. She said it wouldn't happen anymore and they all ceased communication.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[CastleofGlass]

Cont... .

About a month later, we were pregnant with my daughter. It wasn't planned as it was a drunken moment I had with my wife. She wasn't on birth control as she said it messes with her and refused to be on any. Things continued to stay rocky in our marriage during the pregnancy and my sexual desires for her continued to be non existant, even more so that she was pregnant. It's not that I don't find pregnant women attractive at all, I always have a fear I'll hurt the baby and I am also weirded out when I see my child moving in my wife's belly during sex. During the pregnancy, I went to the midnight shift, against my wishes. This made tensions worse in my marriage. I was working from 11pm-7am all week. Sometimes sleeping when I first got home, or staying awake till noon and then going to sleep. On weekends, I continued to stay awake so as not to change my sleep schedule all around. It would have completely messed me up to do so. On Halloween, which was a Saturday, I had to work during the day for a weekend duty thing. I was completely messed up schedule wise. I came home exhausted and fell asleep. I slept through the Halloween festivities and that was her last straw. She flipped out and raged on me and tried to take the kids and leave for her parents. She dragged the kids who were scared and screaming out to her car and I tried to intervene. She kicked at me and clawed at me and I tried to get the kids back out of the car. In no way was I going to let her take them in the condition she was in. It just wasn't safe. She lost her balance and fell on the ground screaming even louder. As a car passed, I yelled to them to call 911. My pregnant wife, was charged with domestic assault. They didn't take her to jail as her parents drove up and promised to take care of her. She went to the hospital to be looked at and in anger over being charged, had the doctors take pictures of her bruises to attempt a counter charge against me. The bruises were there and I admit to them being there, they came from me pulling her out of the car while trying to buckle our screaming frightened kids in. To this day, I'd do the same thing again.

This obviously made the marriage on its last legs. She came over to the house for us to have a 'date night' and talk things over while her parents kept the kids. After dinner, we went back home and attempted to be intimate. I couldn't get out of my head and well... .it just didn't happen. She went into rejected rage mode and decided she had enough of me and this marriage. She packed the rest of her stuff and the kids stuff and left me the following day. We stayed separated for 2 1/2 months. She and the kids lived with her parents again and I was at the house alone. I did get to see my daughter be born and held her. Afterwards, my wife would bring her up on Wednesdays so I could see her. It was a very tough time and I was trying to decide if I should even continue on this path. Things worked out eventually and they all moved back in. I wanted my daughter with me very much and that was a huge factor into attempting to make it all work.

At this point, we received military orders to Las Vegas. Little did I know, this would be a huge change for us that would get worse. For the first year and a half, things went alright. It was hard with family being on the east coast while we were on the west but we made it work. Her parents, being the great people they are, made a few trips a year out there and stayed with us. We lived on base as we could not sell our prior home for almost a year after leaving. She did make some friends and that helped with the distance of family. We did have our arguments and I started to notice a huge change in myself. I was gaming on my computer more than ever. There were days when I would get home and log in to World of Warcraft after a couple hours and play for hours. It was my escape from everything. So 2012 comes. At this point, we are pregnant with our 4th child. My SOs parents have an RV they recently purchased and are planning to drive from VA to our home during the summer. My SO wants to take the kids and head back to VA with her parents for the summer so my step-son can spend most of it with his father and the other kids to get see family. I can't take enough leave at all to support this so I am fine staying by myself at home and working. Our daughter is not due until August so they leave at school end in June. For the first month or so, I'm doing alright. I'm going to work and when I get home, I get to play those games to just zone out. Then, I start getting lonely. I miss my kids, and I miss my wife. I start purchasing beer to help with relaxing at night (bad idea). As I sit on my computer drinking some beers night after night, I start to think about my life and my marriage. I think of all the times I have been put down, how I try to keep it together and at the same time, how I'm losing myself as a person which in turn makes me look like an even worse person to her because I am mentally shutting down. Now, people that know me, know I have a strange sense of humor, I find a lot of my humor in observing people. So one evening, I'm just on google and somehow ended up on a online strip website with chat rooms. You can't see the women naked unless you pay for it (which I don't do) and they can't see you at all. I am drunk at this point and didn't mean to go to this website but I immediately see some hilarious things being said from all the males in the chat room. I continue to read all this stuff and laugh hysterically. When the room dulls, or someone pays to see the woman naked, it closes the room. So I started bouncing from one to another. Most times, the women don't speak. You just hear music in the background and they are laying in skimpy clothes waiting for someone to pay to see them do things. I go into one room and it's just me and this one woman. I go and grab a beer because I'm about done with all this and I hear the girl say hi through my speakers. So I type back and we talk a little bit. I tell her I am there to laugh and read all the hilarious come ons by the guys in the room. After more talking, no one is in this room but her and I still. She starts talking about her marriage and then I open about mine. Eventually she gets my phone number and we talk through that. We talk about our marital issues. For the first time, someone is listening to me about my problems without saying "you need to just divorce the b___". This is great, but at the same time, her husband is a psycho. He is one of those that believe the government is out to get him. He is always paranoid. She has told him about me, but very minimal. There are a lot of times where she would call me and hide the phone just so I can listen to all the things he says and because sometimes she gets worried about what he might do.

It's August and my daughter is born. The whole family had come back and things were going somewhat ok. My SOs parents left and my SO was dealing with post partum. I was still continuing to speak to this friend of mine every night. There were no romantic talks or anything of that nature, just two people getting out frustrations and trying to help each other out. Things were getting worse at home and I was losing my mind. I needed to escape. So I devised a plan. I will make up a work trip to escape for a few days and maybe I'll meet this person and have lunch. This all sounds bad and I know that, but I did not do what society now a days says I most likely did. I did drive 4 states away and stay at a hotel by myself. I did meet this woman and have lunch but after about 10 minutes, I felt bad. Even as friends, I shouldn't be doing this. I never told my wife about this person because of how she'd react, no matter how innocent. We only had a short lunch and then I went back to my hotel room alone to sit and zone out. For me, the trip was about the drive, I love long drives alone. The music playing and the smell in the air, it's hard to explain. My wife had her suspicions while I was gone but I assured her I was alone which I was. When I got home, I had decided to end my friendship with this woman. I felt horrible about keeping it from my wife and started to think it just wouldn't help.  A few months later, one of my kids just had their bday and I'm at work. I get a call from my wife and when I answer, she tells me not to come home, she is calling the cops and why don't I ask (the ex friends name). My heart drops and I am freaking out. Long story short, the girls husband tried to message my wife on Facebook (don't know how he found out her info) and couldn't reach her so he sent a message to one of my wifes friends back when I was on that trip claiming his wife left him and was sleeping with me at a hotel and could reach her at xxx-xxx-xxxx. This friend of my wife decided to hold on to the message and finally sent it about 2 weeks before Xmas, lucky me. I am no kicked out of my home and put up in a dorm room for a few days. My wife, in 2 days, already has plane tickets from her brother and is leaving in a couple more days with my kids to the east coast. We tried to talk through some of it after a couple heart wrenching days but she still was going through with her plan. They were late getting to the airport and missed the plane. She saw it as a sign. We spend the next 6 months working through things. My whole life has to be opened up to her now. She has power over me.

I receive orders to Korea and had to leave 7 months after she had found out about the friend I had. We agree that she needs to stay with her parents while I'm gone to make things easier on her and us. So during my time in Korea, I was completely alone for an entire year. It was difficult. My wife being with her parents, did make it easier. But my wife had huge trust issues with me and kept mentioning the situation from almost a year earlier. She would not let it die. Finally, I lost it and went off on her over the phone. I didn't speak with her for almost 3 weeks. I had had enough. Now, during this time, I did speak with another female friend of mine via text/phone and Skype once. This was a woman I dated when I was 18 and it didn't work out, we'll call her Amanda. We kept in touch some over the years, she is married and has a child. Once in a while we would just catch up and talk. So we caught up some and I told her everything that had happened in the past couple years and that was that. I went home for my mid tour to see my wife and kids and that went well. We kept pushing along getting excited for my homecoming and the next chapter of our lives. A couple months before I left, Amanda messages me and about me leaving and if I'm excited to finally come back home. We message some and she out of no where says she is jealous of my wife. That she never should have left me and she hates how my wife treats me. I flip out. I'm not going through this again. I end the friendship and that is that.

It's Feb 2015, I've been in my new home now for 6 months and things are going pretty good. Wife is now pregnant with our 5th (I'm getting fixed soon). One night, she comes downstairs and calls her Dad and begins to read him a message from Facebook (I hate this website). It's from Amanda. She had messaged her back in June the previous year but my wife never saw the message as it went in the 'other' folder. It claims I have slept with her at various points in my marriage with my wife and that all I do is bash my wife verbally to Amanda and that she wants me to leave her alone and that my wife should know this is happening... .at this point, I'm thinking F my life... .you have got to be kidding me. Needless to say, I was kicked out for the night and we were back together the next day. I came clean about the woman, and had to tell her the whole backstory of how crazy this woman was. She really was insane but over the years I thought she had changed for the better. It was the influence of her family and when she cut ties with them, she had been a different person. I guess I was wrong. I knew she sent that message because she wanted me to leave my wife for her and I wouldn't do it. We never had romantic talks or anything. It blindsided me.

So our 5th child is coming anyday now and it's still a roller coaster ride. I'm sorry for the book, but for me to get any help, I believe my story should be known. Even though I made poor choices of my own, I need them to be known along with what I deal with from my wife because I have helped to add to the weapons my uBPD already has.  I don't talk with anyone anymore, except for a therapist. That just started a couple months ago because I finally decided to go the professional route. It was through my therapist, I learned of BPD and it was suggested my wife has it. After my research into it, yeah... .100% she has it. This is such a nightmare at times and I wanted to share how it has twisted me over the years dealing with it. Am I to blame for my choices, absolutely. But those who deal with what I deal with I think can completely agree, having someone close to you with BPD, especially a spouse, changes you.

Thanks for reading.

[vortex of confusion]

 



Welcome to the forums!

The situation you are in sounds tough. The lessons that you can find down the right side of the forums are really awesome. They can help you understand her behavior as well as your own. The communication tools are pretty awesome too.

I find that writing stuff out helps me a lot too. If you have questions as you read the lessons, post, post, post! If you need to vent or try to make sense of something, post away.

Is there a specific area that you feel most frustrated about? Given that your wife is due any day now, that probably makes things even more difficult for you. Is she prone to post partem depression?

[CastleofGlass]

 



Welcome to the forums!

The situation you are in sounds tough. The lessons that you can find down the right side of the forums are really awesome. They can help you understand her behavior as well as your own. The communication tools are pretty awesome too.

I find that writing stuff out helps me a lot too. If you have questions as you read the lessons, post, post, post! If you need to vent or try to make sense of something, post away.

Is there a specific area that you feel most frustrated about? Given that your wife is due any day now, that probably makes things even more difficult for you. Is she prone to post partem depression?

Yes, she is definitely prone to ppd. It's just a smorgasbord of depression/anxiety/anger/sadness. It never goes away, it just gets enhanced by all these other things. It's soul sucking. Somedays, I just don't know how to live.

[EaglesJuju]

Hi CastleofGlass, 

I would like to join vortex of confusion and welcome you.

I am sorry that you are going through such a difficult situation.    I can understand how coping with erratic and confusing behavior can make you feel like you are on a roller coaster ride.

Prior to learning about BPD and the accompanying behaviors, I would drive myself bananas trying to understand why my person with BPD (pwBPD) was behaving this way. Learning about the disorder, has really helped me understand how to cope. I have learned that the origin of the erratic behaviors has nothing to do with me. I used to take all of my bf's behavior personally and doing so really took a toll on my self-esteem and self-worth.

The core of BPD is emotional dysregulation. PwBPD have a very hard time regulating negative emotions (anger, sadness, hurt, etc.).  When a pwBPD is dysregulating, they engage in certain types of maladaptive coping strategies to cope with their intense and unstable emotions. Common maladaptive coping strategies include, dissociation/"freezing" during periods of stress, cognitive distortions and a failure to process information, insufficient control of impulsivity, unpredictable behavior,  and difficulties with anger and anger expression.

Emotional dysregulation is correlated with other areas of diagnostic criteria for BPD, such as unstable interpersonal relationships, unstable image or sense of self, and frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment.

Emotional dysregulation is a cause for dramatic mood swings and cycles of depression and anxiety.  It can be really tough to cope with dysregulation when a pwBPD gets triggered. What are some of the behaviors that you have a very hard time coping with?

Thankfully, there are tools on this site that can help you assuage situations that may become difficult.  The motto on this board is "before you can make anything better, you must stop making it worse." Many times with the lack of understanding of BPD and tools, I was making my own situation worse. I learned that I cannot control my bf's thoughts or behaviors, but I can control my own. Looking at my situation from this perspective has helped me. I have the tools to change my way of thinking. Improving your relationship starts with the non-BPD partner.

[CastleofGlass]

Emotional dysregulation is a cause for dramatic mood swings and cycles of depression and anxiety.  It can be really tough to cope with dysregulation when a pwBPD gets triggered. What are some of the behaviors that you have a very hard time coping with?

The happy draining feeling I get from her dysregulation. It just puts me in such a sad, hopeless state. She doesn't get over things quickly at all. The mood will last over a day most times and it is horrible. I will wake up in a good mood, go to work and try to text her at various times in the day. I'll get short, dry answers and she is still being a baby (sorry, I say it that way cause sometimes, I'm so over it, that's how I feel she is acting.)

[EaglesJuju]

The happy draining feeling I get from her dysregulation. It just puts me in such a sad, hopeless state. She doesn't get over things quickly at all. The mood will last over a day most times and it is horrible. I will wake up in a good mood, go to work and try to text her at various times in the day. I'll get short, dry answers and she is still being a baby (sorry, I say it that way cause sometimes, I'm so over it, that's how I feel she is acting.)

I understand how a pwBPD's behaviors can really affect you. The best way to cope with dysregulation is to separate yourself from her feelings.  For a pwBPD, feelings equal facts and they tend to rely on emotions all of the time without balancing logic. It is hard for a pwBPD to get back to an emotional baseline once they have been aroused by emotional stimuli. When a pwBPD is dysregulating, it is common for a lack of affective communication.   

When my bf is dysregulating, he gives short answers. Usually during those periods of dysregulation, his already low-self esteem plummets further. Using validation has really helped me when he is dysregulating. Take a look at this article. It has really helped me.

Communication using validation. What it is; how to do it

[vortex of confusion]

The happy draining feeling I get from her dysregulation. It just puts me in such a sad, hopeless state. She doesn't get over things quickly at all. The mood will last over a day most times and it is horrible. I will wake up in a good mood, go to work and try to text her at various times in the day. I'll get short, dry answers and she is still being a baby (sorry, I say it that way cause sometimes, I'm so over it, that's how I feel she is acting.)

It is a very draining and confusing feelings. One minute it feels like I am trying to have a conversation and the next minute it feels like I have been hit by a bus.

I have found that my husband's pissiness/babyishness doesn't last as long when I implement boundaries. There are some really good lessons about what boundaries are and how to set them. It has taken me a loong time to figure some of this stuff out. I am getting better at it.

A recent example is that I was talking to my husband on the phone while he was at work the other day. I asked him if he had scheduled time off work for something or another. He got defensive and kind of nasty. I ended the call and refused his attempts to contact me for a while. I was NOT going to talk to him when he was clearly defensive and unsettled. It is not my job to treat him like a baby and soothe him all of the time.

Later in the day, we talked on the phone and I told him that I couldn't talk to him because we were both upset. It helps to not single him out. We were able to talk and sort out the time off issue without further incident. In the past, I wouldn't have put a stop to the conversation and would have done the whole circular thing where I would get upset with his responses and try to push for discussion, etc. It added fuel to the fire and we would both end up aggravated and irritated and nothing would be settled.

[Hmcbart]

I feel for you Castle. I was in the military but don't think I would have been able to deal with this back then. I'm older and more mature and make much better decisions now. That said, I still have to re-learn my role in the relationship and how to handle my emotions during times of dysregulation.

My wife also holds on to things for a long time. Several years ago she had a bad dream and was hitting and scratching me in her sleep. I slept on the couch for a while after that. The craziest part, the next morning she woke up and just gave me this evil glare. I asked what she was dreaming about last night as I showed her the scratches on my arm. She told me that I was being mean to her in her dream.

That's all well and good, awake equals reality... .bad dream equals not reality 

She was mad at me for 6 days because of what happened in the dream! This was early in our marriage, maybe only a few years in. I thought it was kind of funny back then and even laughed everyday that she stayed upset.

Now I understand more, not much more but still more. She can get upset about something that I don't even know happened and stay that way for weeks and months at a time. Her current dysregulation has been going on since April 6th, it's sad that I know the exact date, I also know the exact time because I write everything down now. I still don't know or understand what caused it but I just know it happened.

Anything that has gone wrong or not according to her plan since then has only added to the dysregulation and extended to anger. Before this she was happy and in a good mood from March 23rd until that day on April 6th.

I am trying , as Eagles suggested, to stay disconnected from her feelings. It's very difficult when they last for weeks and months. She will notice I'm distancing myself and that only adds fuel to the fire. I'd become an alcoholic if I could, just to drown out the dysregulation. But I've got my two young sons to worry about as well as bing the sole provider of income.

[CastleofGlass]

Hmcbart-I think the issue I have been dealing with most lately is when my uBPDw lashes out over something or stays dysregulated for a long period of time, I try to see it from her point of view as to what she is angry about and sometimes Hmcbart, sometimes I think it's just plain stupid. Something like her wanting to go to a restaurant, the kids acting up the whole time, I'm trying to keep everyone calm and uBPDw explodes because the whole thing went to sh*t. Then, it's all my fault because I was 'barking' at the kids the whole time trying to keep them calm. Then, the next layer of this exciting BPD onion unpeels and it just must be that "you don't ever want to do anything outside the house. why did you get married to me and have kids if you just wanted to sit at home?"

I mean, I have posted quite a few times today and really feel it's more venting than anything . I just started posting today as I have no one else to talk to ever except my therapist. It feels good to get it all out but I can feel that anger rising in me of why do people take this stuff? Why do pwBPD get this freedom to say and treat people how they want? I don't always think that, but sometimes after my wife has a meltdown, it brings me back to that question.

I don't think I mentioned it earlier in my intro, but on top of my uBPDw, I have a high functioning autistic son who blows up over everything and a step son who is ADHD, both are on meds. Life is difficult sometimes... .

[vortex of confusion]

I don't think I mentioned it earlier in my intro, but on top of my uBPDw, I have a high functioning autistic son who blows up over everything and a step son who is ADHD, both are on meds. Life is difficult sometimes... .

That adds a whole other layer to things for sure.

I have a couple of kids that are prone to anxiety. Taking them out to a restaurant is almost impossible at times.

I have a couple of questions for you to think about.

Is your wife a stay at home mom?

Have you tried to find places to go that are NOT restaurants or other places that can easily overwhelm a child with ADHD or autism? It really helps to avoid crowded places. If you want to go out to eat with the kids, go to a kid friendly buffet and sit in a booth or a corner where there is a bit of insulation from all of the hustle and bustle of all of the activity.

Expecting a kid with special needs to sit still and wait for dinner to arrive with a spouse that gets easily worked up is a recipe for disaster. If your spouse wants to go places, would it be possible to go places during off peak times?

Is there any merit to her claim that you bark at the kids? I know that there are times that I get really nervous about going out with my husband and kids all together. His anxiousness sets off the kids, they act up, and I try to keep things together. It is stressful and difficult and I was adding to the stress of the situation because I would be anxious about everybody else's anxiousness. I have had to learn to do a better job of playing it cool and not being reactive. It is learning how to be the calm in the middle of the storm. It isn't easy. The tools here can be helpful with that, especially the stuff about not taking things personally and learning how to validate.

[Hmcbart]

You're not alone anymore. I am in a similar situation. We live 6 states away from any family, my friends are also her friends so no one to talk to there. My other friends are coworkers and I'm not going to discuss this with them. My therapist, who I just started seeing in December is the only one I really have to speak to.

Like you I find myself venting on here a lot. It does help to let it out sometimes. I've been married 18 years and together for 20. We have two kids 12 & 8. I figured out what was causing this after the second one was born and got it fixed   .

I can only speak for myself about why I take all the crap that I do. They are 12 & 8 years old and I can see myself ever being with them. I love her more than anything but the kids are my main reason for putting up with it. My oldest has ADD (as do I) and a learning disability as well. My youngest... .he's going to be the death of me. He thinks he's a ladies man and he's a dare devil.

I've been through a lot in 20 years. It wasn't until this past year that I finally realized that I have been living in a one sided marriage. I guess it was partly hanging out with some of our friends and seeing how they act towards each other and partly going to marriage counseling the first time (at her request) and finding out that I have a voice about things as well.

I think a lot of the things my wife gets upset by are stupid. I think her punishments are even worse. There is no gray area in punishments, break one of her hidden rules and is hate and anger for days and weeks. I get the same treatment from her for going to a strip club as I do for asking her to clean the house.

I have only been on here a short while but I am learning a lot. Not just about her and this wonderful world of PDs but also about myself and why I have made the decisions I've made in the relationship. I have a long way to go before being whole again but I'm going to get there. She will most definitely have many more melt downs before I'm through changing myself. I know I will take it personally way to often as I go but I'm learning not to.

I did ask my wife once during an argument if she would like me to treat her the way she treats me. She actually stopped and had to think about it but then she told me no. That shows me that somewhere in there, she understands it's not right. Sadly she doesn't even remember the conversation but I do and that's what matters.

I was naive in the beginning and didn't listen to myself early in the marriage but I'm not naive enough to believe there is any hope that she can learn to change her behaviors. They are ingrained way to deep. I can however learn to change how I handle myself during these times though. Am I there yet... .hell no, not even close to being there, but I will get there and I will make sure my kids get there with me.

[Hmcbart]

I almost forgot... .THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE! 

[an0ught]

I mean, I have posted quite a few times today and really feel it's more venting than anything . I just started posting today as I have no one else to talk to ever except my therapist. It feels good to get it all out but I can feel that anger rising in me of why do people take this stuff? Why do pwBPD get this freedom to say and treat people how they want? I don't always think that, but sometimes after my wife has a meltdown, it brings me back to that question.

They assume the power and we let them. Some of the resentment may be because of her and some of it may be because of you. I found facing the latter more difficult.

Once we take it back into our hands with boundaries the power dynamic in the relationship shifts to a more balanced state where partners have power over themselves.

[CastleofGlass]

Is your wife a stay at home mom? Yes, she became one shortly after we got married as I had given her the option so the kids didn't have to be in a daycare all day

Have you tried to find places to go that are NOT restaurants or other places that can easily overwhelm a child with ADHD or autism? It really helps to avoid crowded places. If you want to go out to eat with the kids, go to a kid friendly buffet and sit in a booth or a corner where there is a bit of insulation from all of the hustle and bustle of all of the activity.I have tried on some occasions but my wife really likes certain restaurants that are very popular. I also tend to get very anxious prior to going because I get a bad feeling in my stomach that something bad will happen.


Is there any merit to her claim that you bark at the kids? I know that there are times that I get really nervous about going out with my husband and kids all together. His anxiousness sets off the kids, they act up, and I try to keep things together. It is stressful and difficult and I was adding to the stress of the situation because I would be anxious about everybody else's anxiousness.Yes, there is some merit, but it's not so much that I bark but I do constantly try to stop them when I sense they are getting out of control. I may go over the top but it is based off that fear of a dysregulated episode.

The biggest thing is that I also try to play peacekeeper in my family. My wife is usually the one to suggest going out as a family because she is stuck in the house all day with the kids. While I would love to take them out even twice a month, it never ends well. She will build up even more dysregulation on the fact that it was her idea and her ideas always end this way.

We have another shot at a vet clinic coming up this Sunday and I am terrified. We tried this past Sunday and our dogs are out of control when it comes to other dogs in an immediate area. She blew up at me and all kinds of other things because it didn't work out due to the dog I had control of lashing out at other dogs and barking the whole time. It was insanity to have all of us in that vet clinic at the same time. She has suggested that they remain in the car and I take the dogs in one at a time alone. Hopefully this sticks and it works out. Sunday was one of the worst days I have had in months.

[Joel2:25]

When I read this, years of confusion become clear:

"The core of BPD is emotional dysregulation. PwBPD have a very hard time regulating negative emotions (anger, sadness, hurt, etc.).  When a pwBPD is dysregulating, they engage in certain types of maladaptive coping strategies to cope with their intense and unstable emotions. Common maladaptive coping strategies include, dissociation/"freezing" during periods of stress, cognitive distortions and a failure to process information, insufficient control of impulsivity, unpredictable behavior, and difficulties with anger and anger expression."

(Uh, yes!WOW yes! Oh my goodness, yes! And wow... .and whoa, I could list two plus decades of examples, but there is likely no need. I'm sure most of you have already experienced enough of your own-LOL!)

This post is what I would like to comment on:

"Emotional dysregulation is a cause for dramatic mood swings and cycles of depression and anxiety.  It can be really tough to cope with dysregulation when a pwBPD gets triggered. What are some of the behaviors that you have a very hard time coping with ?"

I still love my husband of twenty+ years very much and life is good when he's not reacting. Whether it is BPD or he simply exhibits BPD personality traits really doesn't matter, because it is what it is-therapists have mentioned personality disorder, but prefer not to focus on the "type." Now, I understand why. I also understand why the years of marriage counseling, weekend retreats and pastoral visits have not "helped him see the light."  Such bad advice much of it was in light of this newfound BPD awareness.  :'(

I'm pretty darn good at boundaries and am able to do my own thing during his imposed "punishments/ignoring me cycles", but I am seriously struggling with loneliness and feeling like I've got no one to lean on in instances when I am weak, feeling needy or just need some loving touch. I keep making the mistake of asking for my needs to be met  (as the most recent counselor kept suggesting) but this CLEARLY is the trigger. Thanks to the resources here, I'm understanding why-thanks so much.

His BPD-centric behaviors when I share these needs is making it hard to keep loving on him and is creating serious drama in our home. Suggestions, please on how to better handle this area of our relationship?

I'm reviewing the validation sections, but wonder if anyone has additional pointers ? Or do I just need to realize I cannot share my needs with him without him reacting?


[/quote]