She did not pay the rent, again

[Depression = 72% of members]

The borderline to whom I am married has always controlled our finances... . and miserably... .

She always complains about how little we have... . but is usually extremely reluctant to work... .

And... . she has neglected to pay the rent behind my back... . many, many times... .

... . and she has done it again... . she told me Friday (when I got paid!) that "we" never pay on or around the first, but rather on the fifth ( the latest day possible).  Then she told me yesterday that she paid it, but I had this nagging feeling that she might not have (probably shell shock from all the other times she has not paid it).

I have asked, and fought, over the years to have shared control over our finances and she tells me that we are equal in it... . that she always includes me in the decisions... . but thats about it... . if that even ever happens. 

All last year I was working TWO jobs while she stayed at home as a shut in because she "did not trust the world"... . and yet she controlled all the money.  We had one ATM card because she cant get one because of her crappy credit... . but she signed MY name on My card.  I was feeling like a slave!

And on top of all that she wanted to move out of state (away from my family who she loathes), expecting ME to be the one to find a new job... . to support the entire move.

She is talking about moving again now... . and lo and behold... . the rent is now unpaid!

She is working now, and Friday might be the day she will actually pay the rent, just a couple days late.  She mentioned yesterday also that next year's rent will go up... . I wonder if she is talking about a penalty for late rent payment on this year's lease?

How should I handle this?  In the past I have always confronted her to disastrous ends! I am staying much more calm now than ever before... . but it is this kind of thing that has happened in the past that she has used my reactions as evidence that I too am mentally ill.

[DonaldBlake]

The borderline to whom I am married has always controlled our finances... . and miserably... .

She always complains about how little we have... . but is usually extremely reluctant to work... .

And... . she has neglected to pay the rent behind my back... . many, many times... .

... . and she has done it again... . she told me Friday (when I got paid!) that "we" never pay on or around the first, but rather on the fifth ( the latest day possible).  Then she told me yesterday that she paid it, but I had this nagging feeling that she might not have (probably shell shock from all the other times she has not paid it).

I have asked, and fought, over the years to have shared control over our finances and she tells me that we are equal in it... . that she always includes me in the decisions... . but thats about it... . if that even ever happens. 

All last year I was working TWO jobs while she stayed at home as a shut in because she "did not trust the world"... . and yet she controlled all the money.  We had one ATM card because she cant get one because of her crappy credit... . but she signed MY name on My card.  I was feeling like a slave!

And on top of all that she wanted to move out of state (away from my family who she loathes), expecting ME to be the one to find a new job... . to support the entire move.

She is talking about moving again now... . and lo and behold... . the rent is now unpaid!

She is working now, and Friday might be the day she will actually pay the rent, just a couple days late.  She mentioned yesterday also that next year's rent will go up... . I wonder if she is talking about a penalty for late rent payment on this year's lease?

How should I handle this?  In the past I have always confronted her to disastrous ends! I am staying much more calm now than ever before... . but it is this kind of thing that has happened in the past that she has used my reactions as evidence that I too am mentally ill.

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[WalrusGumboot]

In reality, one person of the couple tends to be in charge of finances, usually the one that has the most financial scruples. In your situation, there is plenty to be alarmed about. As you know, late payments affect YOUR creditworthiness (and integrity) as well as hers. She is lying to you about making payments that she never did - this it something to put your foot down about.

I would ask... . no demand... . that you are involved in the finances. If you don't have access to your bank statements, get access. You need to know where the money is going. If there is a cash flow problem, then you two should put your heads together and decide where cuts are needed.

I realize I am talking about a pwBPD here and all this is easier said that done. Financial discussions with my exBPDw was always a disaster, but at least I controlled the money so we didn't go under.

I strongly suggest you be proactive on this.

[xeritos]

I'm the one in control of our finances, so I've never experienced this.  But I do have thoughts on how to handle this. 

Perhaps the answer isn't to wrestle control away from her, but diminish the amount of money she is in control of. I would attempt to explain that certain things MUST be paid. Sure, there's the question of who controls your excess, but rent/utilities/insurance have to be paid.

I'd create a separate bank account, that exists purely for the sake of ensuring that bills are paid.  Tally up/mark down all of your monthly expenses as best you can, and deposit money appropriately split between your "already spoken for" bank account and your spending account. I think this approach might better demonstrate that you're not trying to take anything from her in reality, but just to ensure your well being.

[DonaldBlake]

Two days ago she had told me that she needed to go into her work briefly after I got home from work yesterday.  I was going to go to the gym when she left, but she asked me to wait until she returned home so that I "could help our daughter with her homework".  This may very well be true, but I also realized that the gym is in the same building where the landlord has their office. 

After she came home, I did in fact go to the gym, and fortuitously thought to take my phone and wallet(with bank info) with me.  After my workout, I called the bank to ask about the balance and any recent activity.  Apparently, a money order was drawn out of the account at the post office that day, and there was only one time she could have done it since we only have one car.

Well, I havent gone in to ask our landlord again yet... . I dont want to send up any red flags that might alert my wife... . but I think this one might be averted... .

Just need to be more vigilant about observing the account... .

Thanks

[DonaldBlake]

I admit, this obstacle is not yet over... . I dont know for a fact yet that the rent has been paid... . I think she MAY actually be waiting to pay it on Friday when she gets paid to make up the difference because the amount withdrawn yesterday was about 100 dollars short.  But, Friday will also have a couple days of late fees tacked to it.

I have always been an easily hoodwinked person, backing off quickly after the episodes have finally subsided... . and then experience festering emotional wounds in the meantime. 

I have tried many, many times over the years to create a separate account, but she insists that marriages with separate accounts are failed marriages.  I have come to FIRMLY believe that without that kind of freedom and trust between a couple, that there will never be anything but a failed marriage.  She robs me of any  chance to be an adult, to handle adult responsibilities.  And I have heard her say things in the past that she essentially is/would be jealous of my accomplishments.  So therefore, since she couldnt stand to see me successfully support the family with the money I work so hard to earn, we have to hold our breaths while hoping she does the right thing.

Oh let me tell you... . she has the ability to put her foot down much, much, much harder than I can... . since she plays very dirty, i.e. taking pills, hitting herself, scraping herself with a large cooking knife, keeping me up ALL night long when I have to work the next day, talking me to no end(including insults, swearing, yelling, lecturing, etc.) until I agree with her.  She basically treats me like I am a child, scolding me and such.  And if I defend myself, she always starts throwing my reactions of the past into my face... . and having been with her for over a decade, believe me there is a long history for her to pull from.

[WalrusGumboot]

Wow Donald, it sounds like you are married to my ex!

OK, so you are now choosing the path of least resistance. Maybe confrontation with your BPDw is not what you want to do.

So, why not do some espionage instead? I think you should go directly to the landlord yourself, alone, in person, and ask him what is going on. Gain online access to your bank account, get some financial software like Quicken that can download bank transactions directly over the internet, and start looking over the cash flow.

She might want to keep you in the dark and treat you like a child, but you don't HAVE to comply. It is absolutely your business what is going on here.

[DonaldBlake]

You are right... . in fact that is exactly what I have been doing, how I found out the rent wasnt paid when she said it was.  Just found out today that it has now been paid, and because I checked the bank account a few days ago I am pretty sure she paid it on time.

However, she did lie to me about when it was paid. 

I plan on following the cash flow, unlike I have ever done before.  And doing so in a manner that she will not know.

I realize that after all this time, I am going to have to take a lot of personal steps at ensuring I get what I need emotionally because I cant get these things from her... . ie basic assurances that things are getting done, especially since she insists on having a joint bank account (from which she pays all of "her" bills).

[WalrusGumboot]

Good deal. It sounds like you are on top of the game now.

I am going to throw something else out there. I mentioned cash flow software. I happen to use Quicken. What I like about it is that it hooks up to your bank account and downloads transactions. You can then assign expense accounts to them. It would remember that you assigned "Personal Goods" to Wal-Mart once, so that each time a charge comes down from Wal-Mart, it would put it in that bucket.

When I started tracking cash flow with my ex, she didn't know it. I was making very good money but we never seem to have enough. It was like a black hole sucking money into it. I start importing history from the bank account and was able to go to Quickens report section and found countless surprises, such as her spending $1400 in the prior 12 months at Starbucks alone! $4000+ a year on makeup (Neiman-Marcus brand, of course!), and so on. I actually got so perturbed by these two I confronted her and put my foot down, and she slowed down for a while.

Information is a very powerful tool. Good luck!

[Grey Kitty]

  Hello DonaldBlake, and welcome!

Oh let me tell you... . she has the ability to put her foot down much, much, much harder than I can... . since she plays very dirty, i.e. taking pills, hitting herself, scraping herself with a large cooking knife, keeping me up ALL night long when I have to work the next day, talking me to no end(including insults, swearing, yelling, lecturing, etc.) until I agree with her.  She basically treats me like I am a child, scolding me and such.  And if I defend myself, she always starts throwing my reactions of the past into my face... . and having been with her for over a decade, believe me there is a long history for her to pull from.

I'd recommend you work on the verbal abuse and self-injury first... . she has you running scared right now, but there are things you can do.

If she knows she can get you to back down using these techniques, she can use them to trump any other issue, rent, bank accounts, or whatever. It sounds like she has been.

The self-injury is harder, because you really can't stop her. We do have a topic on it here:

Self injury and self harm

As for keeping you up all night insulting, swearing, yelling, etc... . that is much more straightforward.

Simply walk away from her when she does it. Saying that you can't handle this conversation/argument/abuse/whatever you want to call it as you leave is good. I've found that stating when I'll return is good, (concrete like 20 minutes, not "soon" and if I do that, I try very hard to stick to it... . even though I may need to leave again when I return.

If she won't let you sleep, consider finding someplace you can sleep in peace--perhaps a friend or relative has a couch you can use, or you could even get a motel room for the night.

You can't stop her from yelling... . but you can make sure you aren't there to hear it!

And understand--being there hearing it is bad for you--it destroys your peace of mind. And it is bad for her--Something is distressing her, and she's getting relief by taking it out on you. That isn't healthy for her either... . you can't be sure she will find a healthier way of coping, but you can at least take this one away from her!